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oh said that he wanted to do something horrible to me

(131 Posts)
desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 11:15:12

He didn't say that he would, just that he wanted to hurt me (he was quite specific). I tried to get him to talk about it but we got into a "well you wanted me to talk about my feelings and you said that it is not right to deny someone's feelings, do you want me to lie" kind of twisted debate. He also often sings "Delilah" by Tom Jones. I do not think that he is trying to be threatening (as he hasn't threatened me) but I don't like it (am not having an affair or anything).

I don't know how I should react any more. Everything that he does seems very low level but it is constant and may be getting worse. He has never actually hurt me but has accidentally reversed the car into me (not hard but scary) when I was getting something out of the boot (I told him that I was but he says that he forgot/didn't hear) and also his foot slipped off the clutch when I was getting out of the car so it hit my hip going forwards (hard enough to bruise me) but again this was accidental (he says). He has also slapped my hand a couple of times now - again not hard.

I don't know how usual this all is. I've tried looking at various sites re abuse but they all seem so much worse (physically) than anything that has happened to me.

How do I know if something (like the car incidents) is accidental?

This hasn't all happened recently - but over a period of time.

How does abuse start? How do you know if it will escalate?

ClippedPhoenix Wed 05-Dec-12 11:17:27

OP he sound like a dangerous lunatic! I'd get shot of him like NOW!

RooneyMara Wed 05-Dec-12 11:19:20

It doesn't sound accidental. I'm sorry...I'd be making quiet plans to get away from someone like this.

He sounds very scary and odd and frankly, dangerous.

RooneyMara Wed 05-Dec-12 11:20:23

Don't tell him in any way that you are even thinking this. He could get more dangerous.

and read this which has some hints about getting out safely.

RnB Wed 05-Dec-12 11:21:19

Honestly OP, run. He sounds like a dangerous man. Sorry sad

EdithWeston Wed 05-Dec-12 11:22:28

I think this sounds dangerous for you. Unless the admission of the urge to harm you was related to urgent seeking of MH assessment/treatment (and it doesn't sound like it was), arrange a place of safety immediately and leave as soon as you can.

Lougle Wed 05-Dec-12 11:25:18

How long have you been together? Is this a recent change (as in months) or longer term (years)?

You sound quite vulnerable and scared. I would be too, tbh.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 05-Dec-12 11:26:14

I've tried looking at various sites re abuse but they all seem so much worse (physically) than anything that has happened to me.

How do I know if something (like the car incidents) is accidental?

This hasn't all happened recently - but over a period of time.

How does abuse start? How do you know if it will escalate?

If it's bad enough that you're asking yourself these questions, it's bad enough to leave.
Honestly, if you feel anything less than safe, loved, cherished, trusted and trusting in a relationship, then it is a bad relationship for you and you should get out.

Please don't wait around to find out how much worse it could get.

LookBehindYou Wed 05-Dec-12 11:27:07

Leave him OP please. Do it calmly and safely. Don't wait.

Whocansay Wed 05-Dec-12 11:27:49

This really does not sound good. In fact it sounds extremely sinister. It sounds as if he's testing you to see what he can get away with. He wants to hurt you and has said as much? Do him the honour of taking him at his word and get the hell away from him. Do you live together? Have children? If so, get legal advice.

Hopefully someone with more experience will be along shortly.

Whocansay Wed 05-Dec-12 11:28:34

I see I took too long to type!
Good luck, OP.

RooneyMara Wed 05-Dec-12 11:29:02

Oh and about the 'minor' incidents...he's testing the water, he's trying it out. He is enjoying it and making out that you're imagining it (called 'gaslighting' and designed to make you think you must be going mad)

He is taking physical steps to control and injure you

it WILL escalate

you do not feel safe
you cannot trust him

He will keep doing it and it'll get worse

You have to get away while you can.

please leave him. it may not seem like much right now but it could get a whole lot worse if you stay with a guy like this

QuietTiger Wed 05-Dec-12 11:31:03

OP, the behaviour of your OH is not usual and not in any way normal - it is abusive, threatening, intimidating and designed to make you think you are imagining it.

GET OUT as soon as you can do so safely.

desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 11:31:05

I am making plans to leave him - I just want to do it in a way that minimises disruption to the children and ensures that I get at least shared custody. I also need to get to an emotional state where I can leave without being drawn back when he goes into nice-guy-I-love-you-really mode (which I guess is partly why I am posting here - I am trying to convince myself emotionally that it is over - I know rationally but it still feels as if it is my fault - ie if I were a better person (am in no way perfect) then he'd not get so angry with me).

Also the other problem is that I have no proof that he is anything other than the polite, well spoken, well educated, high earning devoted father and partner that he appears to the world. Also this has happened over time and at the moment he is away so much with work that I don't see him often. Reading the link - he always drives aggressively when cross. I thought that all men did.

ZZZenAgain Wed 05-Dec-12 11:31:38

IMO it is not normal at all to want to physically hurt another person with whom you are in a relationship. Whether or not the car incidents were accidental, the fact that he says he does not want to deny his feelings which are specifically a desire to hurt you ), then something is already very wrong. I am sorry I think you are not wise if you stay with him.

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Wed 05-Dec-12 11:32:30

Please leave, get away now, do it as soon as you can. He is very dangerous and he will escalate.

raskolnikov Wed 05-Dec-12 11:33:46

These aren't accidents, OP, how many times has he crashed the car since you've known him because his foot slipped off the clutch? You can't stay with someone like this - it'll slowly drive you mad, which is exactly what he's aiming for.

RooneyMara Wed 05-Dec-12 11:34:30

I think you should try and log these incidents with someone - solicitor, or someone from womens aid (local outreach can be very helpful - the main helpline or website will give you the number, also tips to delete computer history if you go and look are on there so he can't see you've been looking at it)

desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 11:35:24

How long have you been together? Is this a recent change (as in months) or longer term (years)? nearly 20 years. He has always lost his temper and been very verbally aggressive. He has got emotionally abusive over the last few years - I now get lots of the silent treatment, lots of put downs and back handed compliments etc but the physical stuff started a couple of years back when I went back to work. I think that this has caused the problem - he does not really want me to work but cannot admit this to himself so he is angry with me for forcing the issue.

We do live together but are not married, have 3 children.

Lougle Wed 05-Dec-12 11:36:33

" I just want to do it in a way that minimises disruption to the children and ensures that I get at least shared custody."

Why would you not get (at least) shared custody, OP? Who was primary carer?

RooneyMara Wed 05-Dec-12 11:38:00

Just be aware that you don't have to stay with him. There's no court in the land that would make you stay.

All you have to sort out are access and living arrangements for your children, and somewhere for you to live - with the right legal advice you may be able to stay put and get him to leave. It depends on a lot of things, who owns the house etc.

He sounds like the sort of man who can't cope with the dreadful emasculation of his other half working.

what a dick angry

MrsFlibble Wed 05-Dec-12 11:38:15

minimises disruption to the children and ensures that I get at least shared custody

You want this unstable lunatic to have shared custody of your kids?, i wouldnt want him anywhere near my kids.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Wed 05-Dec-12 11:38:16

get the fuck away from him and protect your children!

the fact that he told you what he wants to do to you is terrifying me. he is testing your boundaries. if you accept this as just being his feelings then he will ush it further and when he does hurt you he will say "i told you how i was feeling! you cant act surprised that i did it"

get out and remove him from all aspects of your life.

Leave. Now. Seriously.

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