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Husband lied about daytrip with a woman from work

(96 Posts)
Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 12:36:26

We live abroad and my husband has some foreign travel. He had a trip and asked me if it was ok to go a day early over the weekend as he would have a daytrip with a male colleague out there and a couple of other people. When he got back I asked about the daytrip and could sense he was lying. I checked his Blackberry and saw an email from him to a woman he works with (she is based in the UK but comes to our country reasonably frequently). saying he would meet her in the lobby of the hotel onw the sunday morning for the daytrip.

I was very upset and he obviously straight away admitting lying, didn't have much choice. Said I had made a comment about this woman before (cannot remember if I had, but it would have been nothing that pointed). So he lied for. quiet life.

I have since been checking his Blackberry and his emails to her are friendly but nothing more than that.

He has a subsequent trip abroad and texted to say he had managed to get a day off to sightsee and I was convinced it was with her and was very cold when he got back. I found a receipt in his wallett of a meal one evening for two people. He denied it was with her but then I think changed his story as to the third person who came along and paid seperately.

He has another trip away next week and is back in the UK the week after. This woman will be there next week but there is no reason for him to meet her the following week in the UK.

I feel left with a lot of anger about this. The last 5 yrs have not been easy with two small children, overseas, no support. I have been very lonely at times and depressed.

We have spoken about it and I have told him what I consider acceptable and daytrips or dining with a female colleague alone, who you see on a regular basis is not acceptable.

I think he has forgotten about it and wants to put it behind him. I am the one left with the anger and suspicion.

Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 12:46:14

I guess I want to remain calm about it. I overreacted about the second trip because he did not sightsee with her, rather another, much older female colleague who he sees rarely and does not have much contact with and two other men.

I do not want my marriage to end but neither will I tolerate being lied to. How do you act in the best interests of your marriage? There maybe nothing going on with this woman, it might be a mild infatuation of his part that will fizzle out. She may not have the slightest interest and in 6 months time everything could have changed.

I am the one affected by this and yesterday deleted an email that he received from her on his Blackberry. He had commented on something in a presentation she had done and had come back saying you were the only one to notice. He had marked the email as unread and to my suspicious mind was intending to reply and so get a non work related exchange going. This may not be the case but that is what suspicion does to you. It is very ugly.

He may or may not notice the email has been deleted. It will be interesting to see if he comments tonight as he is normally very half soaked about things .

FanjoForTheMammaries Thu 22-Nov-12 12:52:24

Sorry but he is clearly lying and cheating, please do not blame yourself in any way or think you drove him to lie by having suspicions.

He sounds awful, sorry sad

Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 12:55:42

he said that his friend was ill and he went on the daytrip with other people from work as well.

FanjoForTheMammaries Thu 22-Nov-12 12:56:44

Sorry I cant give any advice about saving your marriage as I personally wouldn't want to in that situation.

But, its not you it's him.

FanjoForTheMammaries Thu 22-Nov-12 12:57:24

He is lying IMO. Sorry sad

Anniegetyourgun Thu 22-Nov-12 12:59:40

How many of the other people he went on the trip with did he copy in to the email about where to meet? (Will eat my hat if the answer isn't "strangely, none of them".)

Teabagtights Thu 22-Nov-12 12:59:50

Why should'nt he have a day trip with a female colleague? Is he supposed to go away and stay in the hotel room for the duration? YOu have read the emails they are nothing but friendly.

Whats your problem with him having femal colleague friends?

FanjoForTheMammaries Thu 22-Nov-12 13:01:08

Pull the other one teabag

FanjoForTheMammaries Thu 22-Nov-12 13:04:58

Sorry..but trying to blame the Op for her husband lying so he can go for dinner with a woman? Really?

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 22-Nov-12 13:07:42

I think you are right to be suspicious - otherwise why would he lied repeatedly about meeting this woman? If he is not having an affair with her, he is certainly thinking of having one.

I would get this book:

http://www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm

And talk about boundaries, secrets and friendships. Unfortunately you cannot control him but you can certainly make him aware that his actions are making you unhappy.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 22-Nov-12 13:07:55
CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 22-Nov-12 13:08:05

I think you have to be open, mature and realistic about what you expect from each other rather than get bogged down in a vicious cycle of suspicion and lies.... which can become self-fulfilling if you're not careful. I disagree with the above to a point i.e. if you give someone a hard time when they tell you the truth, don't be surprised if they start withholding information.

You're obviously very uncomfortable with him having dinner with a female colleague. Is it simply because she's female? Is it because he's been unfaithful in the past? Is it because your relationship is unhappy anyway and you're feeling insecure?

You can't veto him having dinner with colleagues on the basis of gender. If he's got a history of infidelity, stop wasting your time and get shot. If your relationship is unhappy or you're feeling insecure, address that head-on.

Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 13:08:11

no I have just checked with his colleague from the us who has helped me before with my computer and at the end of the conversation i said i,m sorry you didn't make it on the daytrip and he said yes he got sick and could't go and i asked if some colleagues from the local office had gone and he said yes. So i think he is telling the truth when he said it was a last minute thing to ask this woman and she was free for the day.

Marrow Thu 22-Nov-12 13:11:17

I can see that him lying is a problem but I don't see that going on a day trip or having a meal with a female colleague is anything to get upset about.

However if he knows that this is how you react then he probably lied for a quiet life. My DH regularly works abroad and it has never crossed my mind to worry when he has been with a female colleague. I trust him and look forward to hearing about his trips when he gets back.

Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 13:12:26

i agree with you cogito. I don't want to get bogged down and the last trip I jumped to a false assumption about the daytrip.

I stand by what I say about the dinner. There is no need to have dinner alone with a female work colleague and someone you see regularly I think could become inappropriate. There are generally plenty of other people around so I still say there is no need.

No to my knowledge he has not been unfaithful but early in the relationship he had inappropriate texts and phonecalls with a mutual work colleague. She told me as she thought whatever had gone on between us was over. So he was found out pretty quickly.

FanjoForTheMammaries Thu 22-Nov-12 13:12:29

He shouldn't lie whether for a quiet life or anything else, this is NOT the OP's fault!

Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 13:16:55

I am a SAHM with no independent income. i do not consider myself vey attractive And my life is the day to day of children etc. yes compared to a single, fairly high flying female colleague with no children, no ties, with whom one can be lighthearted and forget about the drudgery. it is hard to keep your feeling of self esteem.

I agree a lot of it is about me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 22-Nov-12 13:20:32

"There is no need to have dinner alone with a female work colleague and someone you see regularly "

I don't accept that's inappropriate. I regularly travel overseas ... lone female... and my male boss will often meet me for dinner when I arrive so that a) I have some company and b) we can go through topics prior to the day's work. If my boyfriend tried to tell me this was a wholly inappropriate thing for me to do and we're only trying to get in each other's pants I'd think he'd gone loco hmm

It is not your fault that he's lying but you're not being entirely rational about this either.

Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 13:23:32

Ok That is you view. But now he has lied about this woman then I feel this is one person who he should not dine with or daytrip with.

Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 13:32:41

I have never commented about his trips before. He is not the type to volunteer information but it has never come up before. After the trip when he lied, it is now a problem.

Maybe I would not have said that about the female colleague, but he has a history albeit a long time ago and nothing physical took place.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 22-Nov-12 13:34:50

If you genuinely think he's screwing around, please accuse him directly rather than doing this jealous wife from afar act. If you object to being lied to, challenge him head-on. If you're lonely and depressed, get him to understand that you need support, affection and companionship. You cannot seriously go through his list of contacts & colleagues determining which people he's allowed to have dinner with alone and which he isn't. Even if he wanted to keep to such an agreement, he'd struggle.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 22-Nov-12 13:35:28

If he has history, that explains a lot. Stop wasting your time therefore...

Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 13:43:03

the point is I do not know

the second point is I have two small children to consider.

Leadingavocado Thu 22-Nov-12 13:45:20

Maybe it is an attraction on his part. when we did talk about it he talked about in other circumstances.

marriages are not black and white

i agree that i cannot continue as i am, his behaviour is for him to manage. I do to be an idiot who is lied to for yrs, But then I would not be an idiot. I would be a decent, loyal person and he would be the spineless shit. This is partly my problem and partly his.

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