So DP lets it slip that finance is behind his reluctance to marry me

[Birkoff]

My DP was married for a long time. He has a good job, earns a good wage and his ex wife never worked a day in her life. When they divorced, she naturally took half of everything despite the fact that she never contributed a penny (his words, not mine). He admitted he was bitter about this as he feels he works "his bollocks off" for years and ended up having to give half of it away.

Anyway, we've been together coming up to 2 years now. I've always wanted marriage and he's kind of avoided the subject. At the weekend I asked him if he'd ever get married again, his reaction was "why when everything is fine as it is?" I told him I'd like to get married and he said "let's see how things go then".

Last night he made the mistake of getting drunk and admitting that he won't get married as he doesn't want to lose out financially again when it all goes tits up. Basically, he wants to make sure that if we split, I'm entitled to nothing of his.

I'm gutted. Not because I want half of everything but because I didn't see us ever breaking up and if we did, I would have hoped finances wouldn't have been his first concern.

Am I being unreasonable to be really hurt by this?

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

If he was telling the truth (which I highly doubt) then he's quite right to want to financially protect himself.

So his truth is that he worked and his wife never did - really, you believe that? Never had children? When he met her she was on benefits or living off her parents?

I think you need a little more information.

[NicknameTaken]

Not, you're not being unreasonable. He hasn't got over his bitterness, he sees women as bitches who are out to profit financially from their men. If he doesn't really trust me, why would you want to be with him?

[NicknameTaken]

Ahem, doesn't trust you. Not me.

[PickledFanjoCat]

If there were children involved he is being a big harsh on the ex.

This is not fair on you though is it.

[PickledFanjoCat]

Bitter sounds the right word. He sounds very bitter.

[apachepony]

In fairness, I would be cautious too if I had been bitten once. Marriage in the uk is a really bad idea if you're the higher earner/have more assets.

[LapsedPacifist]

Did they have children? In which case, his ex-wife wasn't exactly contributing nothing. And if they didn't have kids, why on earth in this day and age was he happy for his wife to stay at home and play 1950's housewife instead of getting a job?

Unless of course he was happy for her to take a financially dependant and subordinate role in their marriage. Which really tells you all you need to know about his attitude towards women and relationships.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

YANBU. However, I can see his point although the 'get nothing' thing is pretty unreasonable and pessimistic. Once bitten twice shy and all that. It's sentiments exactly like your DP's that mean the pre-nuptial agreement is gaining in popularity for people second time around who bring more into the marriage than a suitcase of clothes.

Perhaps a non-drunk conversation about marriage, finances and protecting his assets is on the cards? Or perhaps you're having second thoughts entirely about someone that selfish? Whatever you do, don't have children or otherwise make yourself reliant upon a man who regards his money as solely his....

[NicknameTaken]

It's one thing to be cautious - I've steered clear of relationships for nearly 4 years after a really bad marriage. What I haven't done is gone into a relationship treating my new P as if he had all the bad traits of the old one.

Did he have dcs with his former wife? Because if he resents supporting them, I would have very little sympathy for him.

[Pootles2010]

Agree with Lapsed - quite apart from obvious concerns of him thinking you will divorce eventually, he doesn't sound overly nice tbh.

He was happy to be with her when she wasn't working - assume looking after his children, or just generally being housewifey and subordinate to him, then expects her to feck off when they split? Nice.

[Birkoff]

They did have kids although he reckons he did most of the childcare, came home from work and did homework with them, made their packed lunches etc all whilst she laid on the bed all day/night??? Sounds crazy doesn't it but I've never met her so can't really comment on how likely this is. But yes, she was on benefits when they met.

The thing is, I DO earn. I would be financially contributing. I'm not on a massive wage (around £22k) so he would still be the main earner but it's not like I'd be living off him.

The idea of sitting down and writing out a contract that I won't fleece him in the event of divorce makes me feel cold. What's the point in marriage if we're having to write financial contracts up before we even reach the aisle?

[expatinscotland]

I had a boyfriend who measured contributions to a relationship in terms of pounds and pence. He banged on about 'earning a crust' and was bitter about anyone who out-earned him or earned the same without working as hard as he felt he did, or about people on min wage because he'd worked for less in his life.

Had, being the key word.

He was selfish in a lot of other ways, too.

YANBU.

[Whatnowffs]

He sounds like a prat, maybe its time to re-evaluate

[Whatnowffs]

actually, scrub that, you sound like you suit each other very well. He begrudges paying money for his kids?? You believe all this bullshit do you?

[PickledFanjoCat]

What if you had children though and didn't work for a bit? Would you feel he thought those things about you then?

I think he needs to sort his head out a bit.

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

So they had children and he still says she didn't do anything - again, sounds unlikely.

Does he pay his child support reluctantly? Does he see the children, have them to stay plenty?

How he financially treats his children should tell you everything you need to know.

[Birkoff]

Where did I say he begrudged paying for his kids? He pays maintenance weekly without fail.

[expatinscotland]

'They did have kids although he reckons he did most of the childcare, came home from work and did homework with them, made their packed lunches etc all whilst she laid on the bed all day/night??? Sounds crazy doesn't it but I've never met her so can't really comment on how likely this is.'

I'm sure she did .

Anyone who considers being a SAHP as 'living off' him or herself was immediately dumped by me, tbh.

And DH was a SAHD for 4 years. I worked outside the home and everything earned went into one joint account because I see us as partners, not a pair of flatmates.

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

I didn't say he begrudged paying for his children, I asked if he did. Does he pay the right amount or does he complain about it?

Does he have them to stay, do you all get on well?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

His ex wife may well tell you a different story re him and his life with her.

Also men who still speaks with real bitterness about any ex wife can also be a red flag.

Does he have any contact now with his children?.

[Helltotheno]

To me, as a woman, if you stay at home to raise children and do a great job of raising them, you shouldn't be criticised for not working outside the home, and if that's the case, of course she'd be entitled to something. I'm assuming there were other issues ..

But otherwise I sort of see his side. If I were him, I don't think I'd marry again either! Sorry, no help to you...
But I'll say what I always say in these situations: if marriage is in your plan and he doesn't want it, you're better off cutting your losses and finding someone who does.

[expatinscotland]

Just search around here for the number of women who are using their savings and/or bursaries to pay 'their 50%' even though they are staying home with the kids whilst their partner or husband who outearns them by double of more goes to the bookies, indulges in expensive hobbies, or goes out.

I don't get people who see their partners in terms of what they 'contribute' financially. Go get a flatmate and shag him, it'd be more honest.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Is he much older than you OP?.

[Birkoff]

Sorry Lauries, that comment was aimed at WhatNowFFS

He never complains about maintenance, does have them to stay over every week and takes them on holiday once a year.

[Birkoff]

He's 10 years older than me.