Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Anyone had an affair with a good outcome or is it always mayhem and destruction?

(108 Posts)
GoodGirlGoneBad74 Fri 16-Nov-12 10:09:33

Am feeling terribly confused right now. Don´t really want to go into why I´m asking this but conventional wisdom and the traditional view is that it´s the worst possible thing to "cheat" and have an affair and that it only leads to suffering, horror and pain.
Can anyone tell me otherwise? Have any of you had an affair and it´s had a happily ever after ending? Looking for experiences (good and bad) of those who´ve been there.
Any of you had an affair, enjoyed it, ended it and then carried on with their marriage without anyone finding out or slipping into an abyss of insane guilt?
All comments welcome and flame me if you like...haha...it´s all good therapy probably!

McBuckers Tue 20-Nov-12 08:27:47

The first time my husband strayed it felt like a physical pain that just wouldn't go away.

Now that he's left us to be with another woman he recently met at work I'd say it feels like a bereavement.

And what's worse is watching the effect it is having on the children and their behaviour.

I think what my husband did was incredibly selfish, he might be enjoying a "happy outcome" at the moment as he swans about London enjoying nights out, lie-ins and freedom, the outcome for us has been a lot less happy.

GoodGirlGoneBad74 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:48:12

Really sorry to hear your experiences on the receiving end. I suppose most "cheaters" don´t set out to cause hurt....they probably hope they will get away with it and never have to tell (except, of course, those who go heartlessly galavanting in London and leave ex´s with the kids ...grrrr!)
I just find myself questioning the whole state of marriage, commitment, etc at the moment. I was so traditional and conservative when we married, now I´m not convinced it´s a very successful practice all in all, if what all the stuff written here and elsewhere is anything to go by! We have such high ideals and expectations at the start and it seems like the majority find it disappointing. Not to say that for some people it isn´t a very happy state, but not sure they are in the majority at all.
The problem is coming up with a workable alternative....tricky one hmm

McBuckers Tue 20-Nov-12 10:10:53

I think you could be on to something with the high ideals and expectations. We all stand there saying "for better and for worse" but I don't think some people are quite prepared for the responsibility of marriage - even before kids come along.

All the arguments i had with my husband were about issues related to the nature of partnership and responsibility. My husband never thought he should have to tell me when he went out for a few beers after work, even when he came back at 3am. When the kids came along he resented having to use "his" money on family things, still went out til the wee hours 3 or 4 times a month, sometimes put less money in the joint account without telling me, never did his share of the chores etc etc.

I think he resented anything that impinged on his freedom and never fully appreciated what partnership and commitment were.

GoodGirlGoneBad74 Tue 20-Nov-12 10:26:04

Oh dear, McBuckers...sounds like you should have ditched him 1st! Sorry, being flippant and boy do I know that it is a lot more complex than it sounds! I´m sure in the long run though, you will find you are a lot happier without having to deal with all that crap from him.
I look back now and realise I just followed the path most travelled....husband, kids, mortgage, etc because it´s what you do and I didn´t have the strength or maturity to question any of it back then. Now I´m questioning everything whereas my husband is still totally convinced that it is what he wants...THAT is the huge problem. Wish to God we were on the same page sad

McBuckers Tue 20-Nov-12 10:43:21

I guess I didn't because not only did I love him but I thought that most marriages have ups and downs especially when you've got small children and no support network around you. It's easy to get sucked into the humdrum and not make the effort to enjoy being together as a couple.

I think my husband needed more excitement in his life, more things to look forward to, I think he may have felt like he was on a treadmill by the end and he chose to escape in the most destructive way possible. I'm not excusing his affairs, I'm just trying to understand what led to them. I think there's probably also something in the personality of cheaters that allows them to justify the hurt and suffering they cause to others by somehow offsetting it against their own personal happiness. My husband claimed he'd done nothing wrong "all I've done is fallen in love".

If he had simply left I would still be devastated but I don't think it would feel as bad as it does now - to put another person before his family and to lie and deceive me and his family has left my self esteem in tatters.

GoodGirlGoneBad74 Tue 20-Nov-12 10:57:17

Perhaps before marrying, people like your husband and possibly me too, should be put through an aptitude test before any licence is issued! Some people are just better at commitment and "forever" than others. I think it´s all about personality type probably. Monogamy suits some, serial monogamy suits others and perhaps polygamy the rest of ´em!
All so much clearer in hindsight. Wish Apple and co would develop a Crystal iBall so we could all look ahead and avoid all this trouble!
Hope you soon start to feel better...and it´s a cliché but pretty sure it was "him and not you", so have faith that you will be loved again :-)

McBuckers Tue 20-Nov-12 11:21:31

I think a serious discussion about where we saw ourselves in a few years time and a bit more upfront honesty about situations and issue we would accept and not accept would have been beneficial.

madmomma Tue 20-Nov-12 22:19:00

brycie I absolutely agree. It's shocking to hear a child's family being split discussed as if it's a matter of a few trivial arrangements.

I admire anyone who keeps their family together despite their own emotional lives being less than perfect. (excluding of course abusive relationships)

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now