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friend ignores h, h blows a gasket at me - long, sorry

(64 Posts)
feelokaboutit Thu 15-Nov-12 11:54:13

Don't know how to think about this. My h and I have had lots of ups and downs in general, but over the last three/four years especially. We have gone through three long periods (the most recent has just finished) where he hasn't spoken to me at all (the longest time was for two months). All this means that I have (much more in the past) spoken to my friends about him quite a lot. We went to a few counselling sessions this year which we are no longer going to as he stopped coming after a huge blow up in one of them (which caused the last long period of silence). During the counselling it came to light that he is very bitter about my talking about him to other people - including my Aunt whom he knows. From my point of view, I was seeking support during times which were very difficult for me, and really talking about the whole of my relationship as it were - not just HIM - though he is an integral part of things!!

This is to set the context. I have a friend who comes over occasionally as her daughter is very good friends with mine. There was one occasion a few months back where she did pretty much ignore him when he came home and sat with her back turned to him, talking only to me. Now I don't know why she did this. H brought this up in counselling and said it was because I had badmouthed him to her. It is true that I had told her about my "relationship" and the hard things within it. I don't know if this is why she behaved in this way. I don't know her all that well really and it could be that she herself felt bad vibes from h (who can be very standoffish and sit in the corner of the living room, working on his laptop, ignoring everyone).

Since that occasion I think she might have come over once for a cup of tea and once briefly to pick up her daughter. Both times I was relieved that h wasn't around. Yesterday, thinking that things might be ok as we are getting on a little better since last long period of silence, I invited my friend over with another friend of ours. I told h who said he hoped they were going to "behave" to which I said I hoped he was going to. Not a good start.

H was out when they first came over so I thought he would be out all afternoon. I then went to get my son from guitar club leaving my other kids with my two friends at home, looking after their own kids and mine.

When I came back, h was also there, playing snooker in a room off the living room. My friends were sat at the table. No communication between both parties but I didn't know who had said hello to whom or not.

My friends and their children left. A while later h blew up saying he didn't want that "donkey" (my friend he dislikes) to ever come here again and that if I wanted to behave like that with her we could do it at her house. So she must have ignored him I take it. My other friend he said was "normal" because she must have greeted him when he came in. That if she (the "donkey") came here again he would say something. That she had ignored him again because of me. I said that this was not true (I haven't spoken to her about him for weeks and weeks at this stage), that I am not her. I also said that when his friend (A) came round and didn't seem able to make eye contact with me at all, I didn't go off on one. At this point h got angrier and called me "thick" and "dim", saying he hardly "A". I then said that maybe I don't know my friend either. Throughout his tirade he was effing and blinding. All in front of our three dc. I said I wouldn't not invite my friend here and that what he was saying sounded like a threat. He said it was. In short it was awful. All three kids were silent and watching. I then went upstairs upset and youngest dd folllowed and gave me a cuddle. When I came back down h was being super nice to kids. We haven't said a word to each other since then except for this morning when he was making himself a cup of tea and asked me if I wanted one.

I think my friend might be a bit upset as she was behaving a little strangely when she went home yesterday, and didn't answer a couple of texts I sent her (about non related things) later on. I am hoping to speak to her later on but don't really know how to bring up this whole thing without offending her.

During h's tirade yesterday where he called me thick and dim and shouted at me, I knew that really I cannot live with someone who thinks it's okay to talk to me like this, especially in front of the dc. Then I start to think about all the difficult things about being away from the dc some of the time if h and I separate sad.

H is a very closed off character who takes things very personally and is mistrustful of people in general. This is not the first time that he has expressed anger at being "ignored" in his own home. Yet he doesn't speak to my sister AT ALL when she comes over as they fell out more than two years ago. She was very upset about this at first but has got used to it. I can't get used to it though sad.

So I suppose my question is - is h right in feeling so aggrieved? Am I right to feel that really I cannot live with someone who calls me thick and dim in front of my kids??

feelokaboutit Thu 15-Nov-12 11:57:33

he hardly knew "A"

NicknameTaken Thu 15-Nov-12 11:59:37

You are right. Your H is a nasty bully. It is not acceptable to call you names in front of your dcs. You are not your H's whipping boy. You don't have to live like this.

Not speaking to you for 2 months is abusive behaviour. Seriously, this is no home for your dcs to grow up in. You've tried your utmost to make it work, but you can't. Time to put your energies into ending the relationship.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 15-Nov-12 12:01:24

I'm not surprised you and your H have had "a lot of ups and downs".

He stonewalls you for up to two months ! shock

What's in it for you in this marriage?

WkdSM Thu 15-Nov-12 12:03:27

I'm not going to say 'Leave the Bastard' - I am going to say 'Throw the Bastard out'.

He has not spoken to you for 2 months at a time - that is not a relationship or partnership with an emotionally developed adult. When he does speak to you he does so abusively in front of your DC's. That is abuse to you and your children.

Look at it this way - can you spend another 40 or 50 years in a relationship (I use the term loosely) with this person - if not, better to make the break now and not spend years regretting lost opportunities.

Better to not see your DCs for a coupe of weekends a month (or whatever) than to bring them up in an abusive household (and it is abusive). What kind of relationships will they view as acceptable if they grow up in this atmosphere.

Sorry to be harsh but I have been there done it and got the T shirt.

MediumOrchid Thu 15-Nov-12 12:05:43

So it's ok for him to not speak to you for 2 months but not ok for your friend to not speak to him for the duration of a visit?

HecatePropylaea Thu 15-Nov-12 12:05:50

No. He isn't right.

He's a nasty bully.

Poor you and your poor children, having to watch that.

It's damaging. It's wrecking you and it's going to hurt them too.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Thu 15-Nov-12 12:09:36

I couldn't live like that! How do you manage. It must affect the children, and you can't want them growing up thinking that yours is a normal marriage.

He is definitely a bully.

Agree with the poster who said throw him out!

PeppermintPasty Thu 15-Nov-12 12:10:17

Well, he's immature in the extreme. He is not in the right in the scenario you have described. If he won't do things like counselling because he doesn't like the challenges they throw up (my inference), then you are left with very little to work with. He would need to be open to sorting his moods and temper out. He won't though, as he clearly thinks he has done nothing wrong. It doesn't bode well sad

He sounds like a complete cock. If my dh had ignored me for 2 months I'd assume he no longer wanted to be with me.

HotHotNot Thu 15-Nov-12 12:13:08

I'm sorry. He is judging you by his own twisted standards and paranoia. He may not know why he behaves like this or what effect it is having, but he sure as hell does not want to have a mirror held up to it. That is the best you can say about him.

You have tried to get him to address it with counselling. You have tried to live with it by suffering, with support. It hasn't worked and now your kids are getting poisoned.

I'm sorry, it's time for an exit plan.

foolonthehill Thu 15-Nov-12 12:22:23

So, Yet again I am reading about your "D"H's appalling behaviour. i don't think anyone is ever going to say he is reasonable and that you just need to find a way of communicating better or that you can fix this.

it's definitely a case that he frequently acts abusively towards you and he does this in front of your DC as often as not.

The question is when/whether you will believe that you are entitled to better than this and that HE is wrong to behave in this way..

Suggest you read Why does he do that and/or some of the links at the top of this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1606947-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationships-13

Men who feel entitled to act in these ways are deeply, fundamentally broken, they can only choose to fix themselves, few will choose this path and even fewer manage to rewrite the script of entitlement and abuse that is running in their heads to one of love care and concern. And they all are able to behave well if they choose, and they all don't because they don't want to in this particular situation.

good luck op

THERhubarb Thu 15-Nov-12 12:27:53

Blimey.

I think it often helps OP if you see things written down. So this is what I got from your OP.

1) Your H thinks it is acceptable to ignore you for months on end
2) Your H has not spoken to your sister in years
3) Your friend ignores him and he has a tantrum, not at her, at YOU
4) He calls your friends and you names in front of your children
5) He doesn't want YOU talking about HIM to your friends in case you are calling HIM names

Does that sound a bit like the pot calling the kettle to you?

He wants everything HIS way and there are rules for him and rules for you. He sounds like a controlling bully. Your friend is obviously not intimidated by him one little bit and that's why he doesn't like her.

I would question you on a few things though. If you hardly know your friend, why are you discussing your marriage with her? And do you normally leave your friends alone in your house whilst you pick up other children?

Those were just a few things I found a bit odd.

I have problems with my dh too and obviously I talk about those problems with trusted friends and family. I don't tend to talk about them with acquaintance friends iykwim? Mums who pop in for tea and a chat. I wouldn't confide in them about my marriage so perhaps you do need to think about who you are talking to. After all, would you like it if your dh spoke about your marriage and related the things YOU did and said to his work colleagues/friends/people down the pub?

It's hard to fathom all of this from your OP so apologies if I am getting this wrong. I also wouldn't leave friends in the house whilst I picked up other kids, I would make alternative arrangements or ask my dh to get them. That's just a politeness issue really.

None of this is any excuse for him to be so bullying and controlling however. It appears that if he is challenged, his response is to resort to name calling and sulking. Did he never grow out of being a child then? Does he not realise that adults don't do that kind of thing? Does he behave like this at work? If his boss criticises him then does he call his boss names and go off sulking? No? The he obviously realises that this is not normal behaviour for an adult. He does it because it's a way to control you. You obviously don't want to put up with verbal abuse and the silent treatment so you will do everything possible to prevent him from blowing up. He knows that and so this is his way of keeping you nicely under control.

You know what you have to do don't you? He will stamp his feet, he will threaten you but just remember, he knows that his behaviour is unacceptable, he knows it's not normal, if he works then he does actually know how to behave with people or he would have been sacked by now. So refuse to put up with this any longer.

Let him shout, let him scream, let him threaten, let him blow off. Stand your ground. You are a human being, not some pet to be controlled. You deserve the same respect that he is demanding from you. Point out how contradictory he is and demand changes. Once he realises that you are serious he might just change. If he doesn't then don't worry, his threats are empty. He cannot take your children away, he cannot prevent you from having the house, he cannot do anything. Once he loses you, he loses his power.

Lovingfreedom Thu 15-Nov-12 12:29:07

I have read your posts before and felt before that you've done everything you can to try to make this work.

It's not your fault or your responsibility if your friend does or says something he doesn't like. And it's totally up to you, not him, who you are friends with.

IME it's more usual that if one partner has friends round then the other partner would volunteer to do the pick up from guitar...rather than hanging around the friends, playing snooker and making everyone feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. Especially if they don't know each other well or don't really get on.

His regular behaviour includes stonewalling, verbal abuse and name calling (including in front of kids when you are not free to respond), isolation from friends, criticism and blame directed at you for things outwith your control. It does sound abusive and it's certainly not acceptable.

Strikes me that he's decided that you, your friends, the world is against him and it's not fair. I'm afraid that there's nothing you can do for guys like this. Nothing is ever good enough for them.

In your position I would make plans to end the relationship. I think you'll look back and the only regret you'll have is why you didn't do it sooner. (I'm really trying not to project too much based on my own experience...but stone-walling for days/weeks/months on end is off the scale on it's own as far as what is acceptable in any relationship, let alone a marriage). You'd have to be happier and healthier out of that kind of environment...kids too I would think.

DragonMamma Thu 15-Nov-12 12:32:35

Words fail me, OP.

I've read most of your threads and you've been given such good advice previously so I don't know what it will take for you to leave this abusive, pathetic excuse for a man? Because you don't seem to think not talking to you for months on end, verbally abusing you in front of your kids and other crap, seems to warrant it so far?

Just get out of this relationship. For your sanity and your children's sake.

LulaPalooza Thu 15-Nov-12 12:34:16

Sweetheart, you've been posting threads about your H and the way he behaves for some time now and every time I read them they make me wince.

I'm not usually one to say "Leave the bastard" but... he's an almighty twat.

He doesn't make you happy. He's a bully, a coward and your kids are going to start thinking that the way he treats you/ communicates with you is normal.

I'm so sorry that despite your best efforts he is still treating you like shit.

As others have said, you need an exit plan. Please keep posting and I am sorry if I sound harsh.

xxxx

THERhubarb Thu 15-Nov-12 12:43:46

OP, if you don't get out for your sake then think of your children.

They will grow up thinking that this kind of verbal abuse within a relationship is normal. The boys will think that this is how you treat women and the girls will think this is all they deserve. If you are unhappy now, just look at your children. Do you want them to have the same unhappy life? Is this the gift you will be giving to them?

It might be easier for you to just put up with it and stay put. You might feel that it's not worth taking such drastic action. That's all well and good for you but the children don't have a choice do they? They are the ones who have to grow up in this environment, with a father who is a verbally abusive controlling bully who goes on sulks for months on end and a mother who finds it easier to just stay with him but who is very unhappy. That's hardly a recipe for a happy childhood is it?

If you've posted about him before and not taken any advice then I despair, I really do. As a mother it is your duty to put your children first. That means that they come before your husband even, they are more important than your marriage. They deserve better. You do too, but you have a choice here, they don't. Think about their future, about their relationships and about the example you are both setting them.

For the sake of your children, you need to start making some tough decisions here. You have tried, you have given your marriage plenty of chances, you can hold your head up high and say that you really did fight for your marriage. Now you have to walk away before your marriage results in yet more children growing up thinking that abusive relationships are normal.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What has kept you within this abusive situation to date?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. Both of you are teaching your children damaging lessons re how relationships are conducted. You being called those names in front of your DC damages them as well as you.

Counselling is NEVER recommended when there is ongoing abuse. This is no marriage; this is a nightmare to be in. Your only real option now is to make plans to divorce him so that you and your children can leaad a life free of abuse.

What would it take for you to leave?. Are you now so downtrodden and conditioned to his abuse that you now cannot see which way is up?. The first step to leave is often the hardest one to take but there really is no other option open to you now.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 15-Nov-12 12:56:07

Yes, OP you do need an "Exit" plan.

Lovingfreedom Thu 15-Nov-12 12:57:13

To be fair, OP, I stayed in my relationship for 15 years despite what I now recognise as unreasonable behaviour. I'm sure there are plenty of others on here who have done the same.

Having said that...if I'd realised actually not how easy as such, but how equipped I would be, to put the plan in place and get out of the relationship and move on, I think I would have done it years ago. Likewise, if I'd realised how well the children would deal with the break, I definitely would have been out of my relationship years ago.

A block of 5 or 6 counselling sessions for me on my own were invaluable for helping make the 'should I stay or should I go?' decision and for building my confidence to devise and execute an exit plan. I'd recommend that rather than couples' counselling which sounds like a waste of time in this case.

FromEsme Thu 15-Nov-12 12:59:40

My mum once didn't speak to my dad for a month. As a child, it was awful. The atmosphere was terrible and I was upset all the time but felt I couldn't say anything.

Please do not put your children through the same thing. You need out of this relationship, as hard as it is.

joblot Thu 15-Nov-12 13:00:05

Wow. Seriously bad. Grott (get rid of the twat)

FairPhyllis Thu 15-Nov-12 13:13:04

Here's how it goes:

Your husband is emotionally abusive.

Your friend has figured this out and this is why she ignored him.

He has realised that she is onto him and he is angry that you might get some support from her.

He is trying to cut you off from other friends and family he does not approve of, because you might get some support from them. He does not want you to get any help from anyone else - he wants you totally isolated, to be his emotional punch bag - forever.

He sabotaged counselling because the relationship is already exactly how he wants it to be - he has no interest in a relationship where he can't bully and intimidate his partner.

Your children are getting incredibly distressed and damaged by all of this.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 15-Nov-12 13:40:30

What Phyllis said.

HansieMom Thu 15-Nov-12 13:58:08

Ask your friend what went on.

Your DH is very weird.

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