Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Feel like I'm going to have a breakdown(41 Posts)
Hi everyone, I've been searching the internet for ages for the right forum and i'm still not sure but going to give this one a go. Here is my background: when I was 6 my dad died and my mum died when I was 11, so its fair to say i didn't have they easiest of childhoods. As a coping mechanism, a lot of my past is a black 'blur' and I struggle to remember things. I moved in with my elderly auntie and uncle who brought me up and as much as possible i had a stable life from then on- i worked hard at school, got decent grades and went to uni even though i didn't want to. I graduated last year, and unsure what to do afterwards, applied for a pgce in maths (i wasn't sure but I had to do something and it was what my family wanted). I got on the course and started it in September, still feeling unsure, thinking that it was meant to be and that i'd be okay. How wrong i was. Because of my memory lapses, i have a lot of maths to learn and its bringing back painful memories for me. I saw a counsellor briefly before starting and we established that change is something that causes me anxiety and i dont cope well with. Well this course is all change, new places and new things all the time, and i feel SO overwhelmed. I have no confidence at all with any of it and cant see how it is going to improve.
Now here is the other issue
About 5 weeks ago i found out i was pregnant. My initial thought was that i wanted to get rid of it. It definitely wasn't planned, timing couldn't be much worse and me and my boyfriend had said if it happened to us that's what we would do. but of course when i said that i never thought it would happen to me!! I hoped he would change his mind, but he didn't, so I was booked in for an abortion (November 6th). We both cried all morning and I couldn't focus and get myself ready, my boyfriend dressed me and got me ready i was just led on the floor upset. I spent several hours at the hospital crying and I wasn't 100% sure and after what was a horrible experience, I changed the appointment. There was only one available date (next Tuesday) which is exactly 12 weeks, the last time they will do it for me. The issue is that 1: i still don't want an abortion, but my family, my boyfriend and his mum don't wouldn't be happy and 2: I'm in placement in schools and im worried about the physical and mental repercussions of this .
my bf admitted that he was having feelings towards the baby that he was fighting with but still felt the same about getting rid of it. I've been trying (and failing) to sort my head out but to no avail- i wanted to see a counsellor but as im in schools its not possible as they work weekdays (normal hours). About 18 months ago (we have been together 1 year) my bf attempted suicide after a break up. He was depressed for a while and told no one. He has now told me that if i continue with the pregnancy, while he will support me he thinks he might end up back down that road. I'm torn because i love him and don't want that, but i feel like that could be me if i go through with this. It seems i can be happy and no one else, or everyone else but not me and that hurts. i don't know what to do and could really do with some advice/ support! I've lost all interest in anything including my PGCE work which I was hating anyway
Firstly, your BF is not being fair threatening to harm himself if you don't have an abortion which is effectively what he's doing.
Secondly, if you are not enjoying your PGCE then maybe it isn't the right thing for you, so please don't feel you have to use the PGCE to justify aborting if it isn't wht you want.
So you need to make this decision for you. Take some time off and think about it without the clutter of a hundred other things. I'm sure your doctor would sign you off for a couple of days.
Good luck with your decision - once it is made, and you have either continued with the pregnancy or ended it, don't look back. You are going to do the right thing for yourself at this particular time, and only you can decide what that is.
nemogirl1 - You need counselling, and as soon as possible. How is your income situation? I am assuming it's not great, but would you confirm this?
I am sorry to hear about your parents dying when you were so young.
Please be very careful. If you have an abortion it never leaves you (I speak from sad experience).
Be sure about what YOU want to do, and do not let anyone put any pressure on you.
I wish you lots of luck xx
Financially I'm relying on my student loan and bursary right now, but I think I'm going to at least go on interruption from my course because I'm not in a good place mentally. I do have savings (around £6000) which wouldn't go that far but I would manage. The problem is we are living with my boyfriends mum at the moment. My boyfriend is working for an agency so work isn't regular and he can't find anything else at the moment. But I'm sure I could find a job somewhere, I've got experience in admin and now I've got a degree (he only has GCSE'S). I would be happy to get help from the government until we could stand on our own 2 feet but my boyfriend is too proud and won't even consider going in jobseekers let alone anything else :'( I'm picking up every germ going as I'm so low which isn't helping things right now I just don't know what to do x
I would consider using some of your money for counselling, but negotiating with a (private) therapist to have a concessionary/student rate, which you can get for as little as £20 a session. It might feel like a lot, but I think it's necessary, I really do.
My experience of NHS-based counselling is so negative that I'm at the point where I don't recommend it any more. Not because the counsellors are bad - many of them are very good - but because a) the process is often time-consuming and arduous, and b) there is a time-limit - often to 8 sessions - which can end up doing more damage than good.
What I'm saying is that you would benefit greatly from some professional, third-party support that understands your current traumas in terms of your past experience, especially the "black 'blur'" you refer to, which would be recognised and worked with in a therapeutic setting.
You can go on to the BACP or UKCP website, find a list of counsellors in your area, phone a few, tell them what's going on both personally and financially, and ask them if they would consider seeing you at a concessionary rate. The therapists I have worked with in the past would have been open to this, and in fact my supervising therapist (I see clients and so need to be supervised by a more experienced therapist) has a client on her books who she sees at a substantially reduced rate. More often than not, they are flexible.
Good luck, OP.
If you are doing a PGCE is it connected to a university (even if at a college)? They have the most excellent counsellors and it will be free as you are a student. Please contact them via university switchboard.
Lots of men don't have actual feelings towards their baby until they get to see/hold the baby in real life then they bond slowly...it is much different for us as we are connected.
But with or without your BF in picture it is your life and your decision.
op no good advice here. am sending you a big hug. you have been through so much and still are. make decisions for yoy not to please other people. good luck with your future
I think you need to set aside how everyone else feels, including (or actually, especially, by the sound of it) your DP, and focus on you and how you feel. So far it sounds as though you're living someone else's life, doing something you don't want to do, and now being forced into a decision that you haven't made, about let's face it something HUGE.
I'm very concerned about your DP's threats to commit suicide, this is a huge red flag for me, in fact how dare he?! Seriously, set him aside in your thoughts while you figure this one out.
If you have a big park nearby or preferably a hill with a lovely view, go and sit there for a while (or imagine you're on a hill if not), clear your mind, breathe slowly & deeply, and then start to think of your life in a big picture sort of way - as if you can do anything, carve your own path. Imagine yourself a few years down the line, see what comes to you, what you are doing, whether a baby is in it, etc .Whatever you choose, you will cope (forget about money, and your DP's attitude to benefits -they are there for this sort of situation!) - you will cope, because the decision will have been in your hands and right for you.
Lots of good advice here. OP you sound like you're dealing with a huge amount.
I second the view that you need to make this decision for you....not swayed by a boyfriend who may or may not be around 2 yrs down the line when the decision still upsets you. ...and not swayed by a course that you're not enjoying and might not stay on.
Leaving placement and deferring the course because of medical grounds? Pregnancy? Is that an option? Keep options open if you can where possible.
I would highly recommend counselling to you because so much of your post talks about doing things you didn't/don't want to do or doing them because of others. Until you can understand what is going on here you won't move on but keep repeating same pattern.
I really hope you can resolve this. You sound so unhappy and stressed. Please put you first. You. No one else. You need to be well and responsible for yourself. Others can be responsible for their own lives.
Gosh what a hard place everyone around you has put you in with little proper support.
This is your life and you have one shot at it. This is the time to be purely selfish - think only of yourself and what you want. You probably have to accept that if you keep your baby your DP will not be a part of his/her life. But you can be very happy and cope with just you and your baby. There are lots of support organizations that you need to tap into.
Your DP threatening to go back to his dark days/threatened suicide is horrible, horrible behaviour and it is NOT your responsibility. With or without your pregnancy you need to reconsider your relationship as he may flag this up each time you want to do something different to him - emotional blackmail is no way to live under.
It sounds to me that you very much want to keep your baby. You need no one else's permission to do this - just yours if that is what you want. If you want help in making this decision then you need impartial help from a third (professional) person.
You have come to a great forum for support. Please stay here and listen to the wise women on here.
minmooch i agree and think she does want to keep the baby too! You psychologically shut down on 6th could not dress etc as you did not want this to happen.
Lives makes a good point re deferring
ThreeT has hit nail on head...your 'D'P is threatening suicide if you do not abort your baby! What a HUGE RED FLAG!!!
My ex wanted me to have an abortion...it was booked Xmas Eve....you can imagine every Xmas would have been horrendous for me if I had went through with it!
Ex said it's me or the baby! I 'played' along and 2 days before abortion date I said I am NOT having it, he said 'oh that's good because it would have ruined my mum's Christmas!' WTF!!! Ex did stay for 2 more months but had I realized it was to leave on an important day '5 month scan' to prove a point and had time to meet another woman off the internet I would have kicked his sorry a%$* out sooner!
Get support and someone to talk to fast as you are telling us you don't want an abortion but being forced into it by dirty blackmailing by this manchild!
30% of UK is made up of single parents, you will not be alone and I have found being a single parent the best as I make all the decisions and proud taking all the credit when ds does well! If he grows a pair in the meantime and looks up the word responsible parent then fair enough...but you me love need to concentrate on YOU and what YOU want...NO ONE ELSE!
Thanks for all your messages. I don't know what to think- I know my boyfriend loves me, he has asked for permission to marry me and propose at Xmas he told me when we were at the hospital and I think he is scared- his dad died when he was a baby and his mum brought him up so he didn't have everything like other kids. He told.me he promised himself that when he had kids he wanted them to have everything they want, he doesn't understand when I say that I dont care if they can't have the best most expensive stuff, just that they never have to experience their mum/dad collapsing and dying in front of them.
I looked into private counselling but it's knowing which ones are not going to judge me and they are so expensive.. if I know it will help of course I will pay but I'm sceptical. I'm feeling really bloated/uncomfortable and I think it's the baby (I'm 11 weeks) just reminding me about everything :-( I'm still waiting to hear back about going on interruption from my studies ans resuming next year xx
I'm sorry but you are deluded girl!
The man wants you to abort his child
Ask you to Marry him at Xmas!
This STINKS SORRY BUT IT DOES!!!!!!
RED FLAG ALERT !!!!!!
Feel like puking myself!
To explain...if you abort ...I will ask you too marry me and live happily ever after! YUCK!!!!! SICKO !!!! Blackmail at the highest level!
You need to be as far away from this abusive manipulative twunt as soon as possible!
I said to him from the start that I would give him a 'get out of jail card' if he wanted it- and he just cried and was really upset that I would break up with him but he has never ever said to me outright that he would support me either way. We are living with his mum atm, I want to get some space from the situation she has made it clear in the past how she would feel if it happened and I don't feel it would be fair on me to have the stress of it living under her roof and although we looked at a house, my boyfriend doesn't have a stable enough income. I could move into student accomodation as I always have but he doesn't want me to live away from him! Him saying about how he might end up depressed and suicidal has upset me, we haven't spoken about it since apart from him trying to push me in to counselling ( but only considering the fact they will make me get an abortion. While I understand his worries, I can't help how I feel about this pregnancy- I didn't plan to be pregnant and I didn't purposely want to have feelings/feel attached to it but it's my body!
P.s I'm 22, he is 21 in January and planning on joining the navy (but won't be for a year or 2 because of the attempted suicide and also waiting lists).
But nemo he is still unwell if threatening suicide because someone won't do as he wants!
I can't believe he even mentioned marriage in an abortion clinic! You know I am angry at him not you nemo he is abusing you by threatening to kill himself to get what he wants. It is not right what he is putting you through! You and the baby are very vulnerable.
Your age does not matter you choose to have sex...you don't need excuses! If you want an abortion that is ok but try and use contraception next time as this is such an awful situation to be in esp for you and unborn baby.
He wants you to abort
He wants you to go into counselling to discuss the abortion he wants you to have
He threatens that if you put your feelings first he'll feel suicidal again
His mum won't be happy if you don't abort
Whilst at the abortion clinic he mentioned marriage (leverage/manipulative)
He hasn't said he will support you if you keep the baby
He doesn't want you to live in student accomodation even though you feel like you need some space
I would expect my DP to respect my decision because it's MY body
Suggest counselling if he felt that I would benefit
Worry about me feeling depressed
Care more about me than his moher and protect me from her if she didn't respect boundaries
Propose to me at a romantic memorable happy time
Support me unconditionally
Respect my need for space
Just remind me what he is doing for you? what support you are getting? He really is bad news OP. He will make you unhappy
You sound much more mature than your dp. I reiterate what I said - you really need to make this decision for yourself - please do not be pushed into this by anyone. This is your life and you need to be sure that you are happy with any decision you make.
At 21 he probably wasn't expecting to face fatherhood. But the situation is at it is. He cannot emotionally blackmail you into making a decision - if you go ahead with pregnancy he will feel suicidal, if you abort he will propose at Christmas. If you make a decision under these pressures I don't think you will be happy that you made the right decision.
Living at home with his mother cannot be helpful either. Can you go and stay with a friend for a while so that you can get the space to really think things over?
No counsellor should 'judge' you so don't let that prevent you seeking help from that direction.
You are not responsible for your DP's happiness. You are responsible for your life and your happiness.
Dont pay for counselling! you will be eligible for counselling at university, which is great in my experience!
good luck! agree with everyone bout the red flag! babies are hardly ever planned, so dont feel like you need to bow down to his pressure, love or not
I am eligible for counselling but there's no way I would get it before Tuesday morning which is when I am supposed to be having the abortion. The last date they will abort is 12 weeks which is exactly that day so I cant delay it again and I've been trying to get on with my course and not throw it away so I haven't had a chance. I'm just going to school, coming home sorting stuff out, cooking tea and going to bed.
I feel like I owe so much to my family, they could have put me in care but they didn't and they would be absolutely heartbroken if they knew so I'm trying to go through it on my own x
You do not owe your family your unhappiness. Your family would be heartbroken if they thought you were doing a course for them that you did not enjoy. They may have suggested it with the best intentions but that does not mean it was/is right for you.
Your family will want for you what makes you happy.
Trust in yourself, your ability to know yourself and what will make you happy.
Put aside what your family would tell you to do. Put aside what your dp wants you to do. Put aside what your dp's mother wants you to do. Solely concentrate on what feels like the right thing to do for you.
Your dp sounds like a twat. My ex did this to me and tried to get me to abort. I kept the baby and lost him. OP; what do YOU want? I was doing my NQT year and the PGCE is hell but if you could complete sometime in the future it might be useful. But then again you could change course completely.
Oh dear, sweetheart, the last thing you need is a stranger telling you what to do but, in view of the timescale, I'm going to do just that. Sorry.
Dump the boyfriend. He is no good. He can't make up his own mind, is nowhere near mature enough to be a worthwhile husband or father, and is emotionally unstable. If he gets into the Navy, it could be what he needs. In every way, the kindest thing you can do for yourself, for him and for your baby (whether you have it or not) is set him loose.
Tell your family. They will surprise you one way or another. You can't introduce a secret this big into your relationship for ever and, if you tell them later, they'll be devastated that you didn't trust them.
Find a place to live. A share might be good for you just now; what do you think?
Deal with the matter of which course to do AFTER you've made a choice about your pregnancy and ditched the boyfriend.
Good luck. xx
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.