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Am I over-reacting to explicit messages. DH seems to think I am. (really long)

(115 Posts)
Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 10:20:30

I'm sorry, I've tried to cut this down so I don't drip feed but this is as brief as I can do it! In short, have found messages to a mutual friend of ours where DH was really bad-mouthing me, then being sexually explicit.

We've had a tough year. I had a very hard pregnancy, in hospital a lot, poorly baby, DD1 starting school, and medical problems for me that limit a lot of movement. I have a large bowel hernia that is in urgent need of repair and am waiting for an operation date. I will need an op that will put me flat on my back for a month, unable to even lift my baby or I will end up back in hosptial for longer for a worse op according to my consultant. Our house is a tip which I hate but some days I can't even push the hoover round. I'm miserable as I dislike living in a dump. DH is really messy, drops clothes where he takes them off, leaves dirty things in the kitchen and expects me to clean up after him, moans when I ask him to take rubbish out (and then doesn't do it, leaving black bags to fester in the kitchen for days - which means I either live with a smell, or do it myself and end up in pain for a few days). I don't feel like having sex a lot, although I still go down on him and it's never returned. We don't have much physical intimacy beyond that. I know he works, and he works damn hard for which I am always telling him how grateful I am. I have never stopped him going out with mates or whatever he wants to do.

I used the computer, and found up on the screen messages going back months up until recently complaining about me. Not one positive thing was said. He said I'm always angry and aggressive, he can't talk to me, he's expected to look after the kids all the time, I can't cope with 2 kids etc. That I need help but I'm being controlling and refused to give him my HV number so he could chase them up (I don't recall being asked for it ever and even if I refused surely he could have got it another way if he was that worried?). He doesn't know how he's going to cope after my op it's just yet more being piled on him. He complained to her he had to use a condom when we had sex. He told her the orgasm he had thinking about her was the best one he'd had for months, and detailed what he wanted to do to her. Calling her a nickname really close to the one he uses for me. I found porn of women being anally abused. I wasn't even snooping around our PC, they were on favorites and bookmarked! He wants to take her out to dinner, just the 2 of them and complained about having to take me out because I wanted to go and he was tired.

He does his share of nightshift when he sleeps on the sofa and DD2 sleeps in the cot downstairs, but in his message he's told her he's not allowed back in our bed and stays on the sofa every night. I can cope with 2 kids just fine, I CAN'T cope with 2 kids, him being a 3rd child, cleaning house AND being in pain all the time. I have no social life because of this. I never get out. I shouldn't even be carrying washing upstairs (doctors orders) but I do anyway because who else will? I don't expect him to look after the kids, I try to insist he doesn't because I know when he gets home he just wants to relax. He ALWAYS argues that he wants to, that he's missed them.

If you're with me so far, thank you.

I spoke to her, she said she had felt really uncomfortable in the conversation and tried to steer it away, laugh it off - which I could see from the messages - but he hadn't taken the hint. She is a very meek person and would not have been able to tell him to pack it in. She said she felt awful but didn't know how to tell me. I believe her.

He denied it up until I named her, and some details. He said sorry, didn't admit to it because it was ages ago, didn't think it was relevent, told me he's been a twat that he loves me and was just blowing off steam. I told him to go read those messages and imagine it was me saying them to another man. He did come back looking teary and told me he was an idiot and could see how it could be read but he didn't mean it that way. I spoke to him about the porn (quoted some stuff I'd read on the feminist section on here about girls in porn) and he says he feels sick at that and won't use it again.

NOW SO AS NOT TO DRIP FEED - yes there's more. Sorry!

This is the 2nd time I've caught a conversation of this type, the first time was with a girl in the states he met online just before DD1 was born. Trying to get her to send him pics which she wouldn't. I told him if he behaved this way again he should just leave. He said he was sorry, that he was being a twat. Before I had DD2, and was very ill, he would make comments about beautiful actresses on television, google them with me in the room and show me these girls. I confronted his nasty behaviour, he said he was sorry, that he was being a twat.

I don't know where to go from here. I told him to apologise to my friend and she says he has and seemed sincere, but he sincerely apologised to me 4 years ago too. We've been together nearly 20 years, he's an amazing dad and used to be so loving. These messages he's sent are so 2 faced though, contradicting everything he's told me. I understand this year has been hard on him too, he's had a lot going on at work as well as at home. He's always insisted that he adores me, that I'm beautiful and attractive even when I feel fat and my hernia is blown up. How could he suddenly decide all the things he does are demanded of him? Even when I try to get him to go out with friends he says no. He says he feels like he should stay in and help out, but when I try so hard to keep him happy and he point blank refuses to take time for himself, I don't see how his resulting annoyance at not getting me time is my fault!

He's trying to kiss and hug me and hold my hand, and seems very put out that I won't just accept an apology. I do in front of the girls but I just don't want him kissing me again yet. And his message to her about being made to sleep on the sofa is now true. Am I wrong? Should I just go with it and see what happens again?

Doha Sat 06-Oct-12 10:28:18

He has done it twice now.

To do it once you can forgive to do it twice NO WAY. He has no boundries or respect for you.

You deserve better

saffronwblue Sat 06-Oct-12 10:30:07

I do not think you are overreacting. He is treating you without respect. Would you want your DD to be in a marriage like this?

Hyperballad Sat 06-Oct-12 10:35:21

You really do have it tough, you need some help, is there anyone that can give you a hand in the house or can you afford a cleaner for a short while?

Your health has to be more of a priority.

As for your poor excuse of a DH, I can't tell you what you should do but I know that I could not be with a man like that. I wouldn't be able to trust him again. If she had reciprocated then you'd be looking at a full blown affair, I'm sure of that.

I'm so glad you've posted on here, hopefully you will get the advice you need. X

Whitecherry Sat 06-Oct-12 10:37:29

Messages aside, would you not qualify for help from homestart? Or similar

Sounds a tough situation for you all

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 10:38:53

Thanks for your replies. I do have a lady from Homestart fortunately she was here when I found out and she stopped me going spare. She is once a week and I appreciate her so much!

This is new - he has now sent me my favorite flowers in a vase with a very grovelly note. He's never actually spent money before apologising.

Whocansay Sat 06-Oct-12 10:39:19

Can you really trust him?
He's sorry, yes, but only that he was caught.

He's not a nice man. He's not a kind man. He thinks with his penis. He's been badmouthing you at a time when you needed his support. In his mind its all about him and your troubles are an inconvenience.

I wouldn't want to try to forgive and forget. Do you? You've too much stuff on at the moment to cope with this. Can you get support from family? Can you talk to the hv about getting some help?

I would suggest asking him to leave, to give you some space to think about what you want.

Hope you're OK.

ponygirlcurtis Sat 06-Oct-12 10:41:27

OP, I'm really sorry to hear about your bad time, it must be hard to look after kids when you're in such pain.

Regards your 'D'H, I think there are several separate elements here.

There's the issue of him not helping out around the house, despite you being incapacitated - and not even cleaning up after himself. Very unfair, selfish, and shows a complete lack of thought for you.

There's the sex issue, where you still go out of your way to 'help him out' because you know you can't do the full thing, but he does nothing in return for you. Also lack of thought, selfishness and disrespect.

There's the issue of badmouthing you to a friend, as far as making stuff up - that's just not on. I suspect it's linked to the next issue of him actually propositioning her - I think he's trying to make her feel sorry for him so she'll either go along with it or maybe even respond similarly. This one is the worst of all.

Overall, it seems like he's thinking only of himself. He's being very selfish at a time when you really need his help. He's being disrepectful - with your friend? really? that's awful - and is on the verge of having an emotional affair (or guilt-free sex perhaps). And now he expects you to accept his apology and brush it all under the carpet and carry on as normal. I think I'd want to know what changes he's going to be making and how things are going to be different from now on. What is he going to do to help around the house? how is he going to make you feel more loved? How is he going to make amends for his appalling behaviour and betrayal?

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 10:52:03

He's promised to start being more active around the house, and he says he realises he's been selfish. He sees a difference between online and real affairs, and I'm not certain he would go "all the way" as opposed to just "having a bit of fun online". I'm not sure when he would have time TBH! I don't just want to forgive and forget again, but equally I don't want to end my marriage if it was just stupidity.

So confused.

Malificence Sat 06-Oct-12 10:53:35

Decent men, who love and respect their partners, do not behave in this awful, shocking way.
You would be better off without him in your life, what is he doing to enhance your life, to make life better for you?
He's abusive and selfish, that's the bottom line.

glastocat Sat 06-Oct-12 10:57:58

He sounds awful, in so many ways! You deserve better, how could you ever trust him again?

Doha Sat 06-Oct-12 11:01:28

Promises promises promises--often broken seldom kept for more than a week or two.
Giver it a cvouple of weeks when he thinks he has been forgiven and he will be at it again....

DuelingFanjo Sat 06-Oct-12 11:04:41

if it were me I'd be asking him to move out for a while.

Leverette Sat 06-Oct-12 11:07:33

I know he's your husband on paper but in real life he's a sack of shit.

50shadesofgreyhair Sat 06-Oct-12 11:08:38

He's right about one thing Strop - he is a twat.

Proudnscary Sat 06-Oct-12 11:13:25

I don't know what to say other than he he sounds like the worst kind of bastard.

Not only did he aggressively pursue other women with explicit messages, he dismissed and disrespected you in those messages.

You are supposed to be resting but he allows you to carry washing up the stairs and doesn't help you with the housework. He doesn't help you round the house (yeah yeah he's promised to now as he's in the doghouse).

He watches stomach churning porn - and doesn't give a fuck that you know or that the children could find these images on his bookmarks.

Telling you repeatedly that he fancies famous women then making you look at them online?

He is making my skin crawl. What a creep.

Here's what you have to decide - can you stay with him knowing you will find inappropriate sexual messaging/porn for the rest of your life?

Well, there's the long term approach and the short term. I will put aside anything to say about him and say right now, this has to be about you.

Can you go somwhere else while you have the op and recover, and leave him to it? Or at least be taken care of for the first couple of weeks.

Right now, everything has to be about you, what you want and how you can get better.

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 11:18:11

I half want to kick him out, but I won't be able to stay in our home, I'd have to get council housing, this sounds daft but I ADORE my house! It's not perfect but it's so lovely. Our kids would be uprooted and DD1 would be devastated. She loves her home and her Daddy. I would struggle physically without him and I would miss him. Although the house would be cleaner!

The other half wants to give it another go, with the absolute rule that 1 more strike = divorce. But I've said that before, haven't I? I just remember what he was like before all this started, candle lit baths being run for me and snuggles on the sofa.

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 11:22:33

I wish anything he tells me could come from the heart, but it just sounds like he trots out the same lines again and again. He never uses emotional language, but is very businessy like "I can see how that could be taken, that's not how I meant it but I'm sorry you saw it that way". Also talks about getting councelling for his behaviour. Not sure if that would actually help - apparantly his doctor has told him he's on the low end of the autistic spectrum. I had wondered that a few times!

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 11:22:50

sorry not autistic, Aspergers! Silly me.

Proudnscary Sat 06-Oct-12 11:24:30

Ok so what your last post says is 'I feel I should say I want to leave him, but I don't and I won't' followed by 'I will threaten him with a pathetic ultimatum that neither of us will believe and everything will return to business as usual'.

Your lucky husband! He can do whatever the fuck he likes, minimise it and throw you a couple of apologies and go back to doing whatever the fuck he likes.

Proudnscary Sat 06-Oct-12 11:25:14

^I meant your post at 11.18

Fairenuff Sat 06-Oct-12 11:27:21

Even if there were no other women, I would not want to live with this man. He sounds horrible sad

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 11:28:12

Proud - I really don't want to go down the line of repeated behaviour, saying no more then still putting up with it. I feel I should follow through on my threat to kick him out as I told him I would the first time. I WANT him to believe me but it doesn't feel like he does. I do want him here and I do love him but I feel like I have far to much self respect to just keep taking this.

Proudnscary Sat 06-Oct-12 11:31:14

It's much more important that you believe yourself, not him. It's you who needs to be resolute and carry through the threat. But I don't think you will.

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