Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Hubby told me not to buy kids any more toys for Xmas :/

(86 Posts)
Cheekychops84 Sat 06-Oct-12 09:00:15

So what do I get a 7,5 and 2 month old!? He is such a Scrooge ! He is from a third world country mind and had no toys ! He see's them as clutter but I can't not buy them can I !?

dysfunctionalme Mon 08-Oct-12 09:37:30

I think that if the dh wants his kids to have a childhood like his, which is how it sounds, then how about he takes them outside at every opportunity - to the playgrounds and parks, to forest walks, to museums and libraries, for neighbourhood walks etc, all those wholesome and low cost activities that children love and appreciate (yet can be a bit of a pain to keep doing).

And I agree with posters who have suggested compromise; offred is right that children do not need toys; what they need is food & water, shelter, love & guidance, and education. Anything more is a luxury and the kids down the road having it does not qualify it as a need.

Besides, strength of spirit and appreciation of simplicity are v fine qualities to encourage in your children.

I actually think that young children, like the OP's, are usually content with low cost gifts and it is when they get a bit older and become more susceptible to cynical advertising/peer pressure, that the "cost" of gifts tends to go up a bit. And I agree that the 2mo needs no toys.

greeneyed Sun 07-Oct-12 21:56:01

It's not just about the toys of course and you talk some sense offred, albeit imo in quite an idealist way as someone who got very little as a child, and almost always 2nd hand) not sure what it taught me except to feel disapointed and unloved) for us Christmas is about tradition, anticipation and excitement the magic that is your kid waking up on christmas day after weeks of build up knowinf father christmas has been and there is a big pile of presents. I know it sounds shallow but I'm noty sure what we could do as a family which would invoke the same happiness as unwrapping buzz lightyear.

Bubblegum78 Sun 07-Oct-12 21:14:40

I would stand up for yourself in this situation, I am very good at comprimising but I wouldn't stand for it, sorry. x

Offred Sun 07-Oct-12 21:12:02

Greeneyed - no children don't need toys and adults don't need mobile phones. Because a child might benefit from some toys doesn't mean a. They need them or b. they should have three each every birthday and Christmas/so many they don't appreciate them anymore. Need isn't relative in that context.

I find it interesting that so many people are missing that the op's children already have toys, her husband thinks the children don't need more because they don't look after the ones they have by losing bits straight away as the op said meaning they need to be chucked or not tidying them up, he had also not banned her from buying any toys but from buying any more than she already has. Nor has he banned presents or Christmas, just more toys. He's unreasonable for dictating this in my mind but not feeling it especially when the op has explained she has form for overbuying.

Buying too much for children just teaches them to measure love in terms of stuff. I think it is about balance and I think that's what the op's oh is saying too just in a controlling way. I do not think it is fair for people to say it is an objectively unreasonable position to take.

Some of the stuff on here about Christmas being about toys? Wtf? Not Christian but no time is ever about toys, Christmas is about family and being jealous of other children and showing love in quantities of toys is absolutely crazy. Someone will always give more stuff to their children than you, that's quite a good thing for a child to learn about - how toys are made, what they cost, where they come from and what Christmas and families are actually about, what love is and how it is really shown rather than feeling they are unloved because they "only" got an iPad rather than an iPad, an Xbox and a trip to Disney like someone in their class.

Some kids can have all the stuff they ever imagined and none of the things they really need. That's apart from the silly plan some people are putting forward to undermine the oh in a tit for tat way buy just buying more stuff anyway.

Jojoba1986 Sun 07-Oct-12 19:25:33

My DH didn't have 'normal' Christmases when he was young for religious reasons. This meant no toys, no tree, no decorations... He says he did feel a little like he was missing out occasionally but that he didn't see it as a big deal because that's just the way things were in his family!

Now that we have DS we've decided that we're not really going to 'do Santa' as such but that we would wrap up his new Christmas outfit for him to open first thing & he'll have just one present from us under the tree. This is poles apart from the way my foster sister does things - she basically bankrupts herself buying literally dozens of presents each for her 2 DDs (including an iPad this year for the 9yo!) despite the fact that she's living off benefits!

I think this is something you really need to be discussing with your DH - they are both of your children & you need to come to some sort of agreement & present a united front. My DH didn't have a conventional childhood but he's a lovely man now. My eldest niece is demanding & acts like she has a right to have whatever she wants. One guess which upbringing I would rather my children had! hmm

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Sun 07-Oct-12 18:51:10

naan I am not suggesting you do....but you should limit the gifts from MIL so that you can give a more balanced selection too.

greeneyed Sun 07-Oct-12 18:49:11

Umm, we are talking about "less" toys this year mainly because dc has so many that he still plays with and really doesn't need anynore but we will still get some and other useful stuff, clothes etc but all with characters on so he's not thinking oh great it's just a jumper. He will get loads of toys from relatives though. OP it seems your dh has principally selfish reasons for this, I would go out and buy toys regardless because it's so unreasonable. Offred I don't agree with your statement that kids don't need toys. Adults don't "need" televisions, mobile phones, etc etc etc it's all relative. Also toys do serve a purpose, children do learn through play.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts - my MIL goes heavily into debt for Christmas every year. If she has a spending problem when it comes to gift-giving, I'm not going to try to compete so my children don't think I'm the odd one.

cory Sun 07-Oct-12 12:14:54

Surely the point of buying a Christmas present for a 2 mo is that it will be of use to him at some stage during the coming year. A 2mo may not play with much but a 13mo will- and it's a whole year until next Christmas.

dysfunctionalme Sun 07-Oct-12 09:53:34

Well that's lovely that he had freedom and sunshine and big outdoor spaces for play, but again, it's worlds away from his children's lives.

I think he needs to wake up a bit.

I'm a big believer in getting kids outside and trying not to go the whole consumeristic hog but jeez he does sound unrealistic. Kids like to play, kids make mess. Or in their eyes, they are exploring, experimenting, learning... as they should be.

McPhee Sun 07-Oct-12 09:12:13

Blimy

I'd have to seriously take him to task over this

If he's so against it, then I suggest he spends xmas somewhere else

Why the hell should you and the children have to put up with him dictating what kind of xmas they can have.

What will their memories of xmas be? Dad in the corner with a grumpy sulk on, making them feel guilty for enjoying themselves.

Get rid is what I say.

Miserable sod.

Cheekychops84 Sun 07-Oct-12 09:05:45

Hi green yes exactly! Tbh they just fight all day because I think they are bored ! Although in the past I have bought them a lot and they don't respect it as such and the bits get lost and it ends up in the bin after about a week of purchase so he may also see the waste in that. sad . When he grew up having no toys yes but the freedom to play outside with friends all day in the sunshine yes, where as here they can't play out all day in the sunshine they are stuck at home so do get bored.

Cheekychops84 Sun 07-Oct-12 09:00:53

They are stored in canvas boxes under their beds seriously then when messy they just have to put them back in the boxes it's not hard really but I end up doing it anyway! I will say I had everything I wanted as a child but I was an only child and must admit as they are getting older in finding it harder to buy the bigger things they want like iPads and xboxes:/ . And as I am currently on mt leave its going to be hard this year. I must say when my first was born up until she was around 3 we really did buy way too much as my mum also bought way too much so over the last couple of years I have limited what we buy which is y I'm annoyed as they only got 3 presents for their birthday one of which was a scooter. I also declutter a lot otherwise he moans constantly.

WearingGreen Sun 07-Oct-12 08:53:13

My DH is from a third world country and isn't even a Christian an our kids get toys. They are my kids too and I'm from UK and I am a Christian. We don't get them loads but they do have enough to occupy themselves and they have outdoor toys too. I do most of the childcare and it would drive me nuts to have them hanging around me all day with nothing to do and I think its a good thing to know how to ride a bike or play monopoly or build a lego house or do a jigsaw. If you are going to share your house with people then you do have to accept that they are going to have some stuff. I would love to have a house with no clutter in it, lot of us would, but I'd rather have to tidy up a bit more and let them play with stuff.

Offred Sun 07-Oct-12 08:31:08

Christmas is most definitely not about toys in our house jeez how depressing! confusedhmm

I'm sorry but he sounds like an arse. Christmas for children is about toys. Not fecking hair bands. Children play and leave toys out, it's for the parents to teach them to tidy them away and not to restrict the amount of toys they might get next birthday/christmas because they haven't taught them to tidy up after play.

A couple of toys and hair bands and clothes? Sounds great! Were your childhood Christmases like that OP? Cos mine surely weren't and we were anything but loaded. Sounds miserable to me.

CaliforniaLeaving Sat 06-Oct-12 23:42:21

Really, he grew up with nothing for Christmas so he wants his kids to live that way too?
What a scrooge. They sound like normal kids to me, my 7 year old still pulls stuff out and doesn't put it away, we are working on it, but even though Dh grew up with very little he wants his children to have what he didn't and to have fun and be happy. You Dh is being unreasonable. He isn't living in a third world country anymore. Maybe you can invest is some sort of storage solutions for the toys so it looks tidy.
Doesn't he understand that Children's play is their work when they are so little, it's how they explore the world and learn.

Cheekychops84 Sat 06-Oct-12 22:22:48

Lovely suggestions thank you everyone I will jus buy a couple the rest can be hair bands and clothes and bitty bits

Nanny0gg Sat 06-Oct-12 21:41:41

The two-month old will be 4 months at Christmas, and won't have a birthday till around August.
Will any toys be bought before then?

So what will the 2 month-old play with for the next year?

And I think a few toys would be okay for all three.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Sat 06-Oct-12 21:13:32

Naan don't you worry that when the children are more aware, they will look at the HUGE pile from Granny and then at your teeny box and think hmm

Depends. We don't buy our children toys at Christmas because my MIL is INSANE and sends over $100's worth from the US. Now that DD1 is a bit more aware, I might get her something small from us - a set of Sylvanian families or similar so that she has a box to open "from Mum & Dad" but that's all. The IL's are coming to England for Christmas this year so we're going to be drowning in a sea of wrapping paper as it is. I have a deal with my Dad that he buys their shoes all year instead of having to remember Christmas/birthday.

So it's NOT necessarily the end of the world if your husband has banned spending money on excessive and un-needed toys for Christmas. One nice toy each is ample, IMO, esp. when other family members are likely to give them gifts too.

lalalonglegs Sat 06-Oct-12 18:16:06

I'm going to side with your husband slightly - I find it slightly nauseating when children are giving lots of stuff at Christmas that they don't need. I tend to give my children a treat rather than a big physical present but I do know that relatives will shower them with all sorts of crap toys.

lljkk Sat 06-Oct-12 18:00:50

Set a budget & keep to it. You get to buy whatever is within budget.

I have friends who only buy one small gift for each DC at Xmas, and truth is, I think it's a bit mean (even though they are awfully skint). Their home has little personality.

DreamingofSummer Sat 06-Oct-12 17:59:51

Just buy the toys - always easier to apologise than ask permission

Offred Sat 06-Oct-12 17:57:13

Last year we said no toys because we already have a whole playroom and two bedrooms full of them. They had other things instead. It isn't child abuse FGS.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now