Mumsnet Talk

SIL is now in her 60s. She's been around nearly all my life and we have generally tolerated each other. Contact is rare as she and my DB live a long way from me.

She really picks her moments - like when my DF was dying she launched into a hissy fit about how useless my DCs were as they should be mowing DFs lawn not playing on the computer! FFS

I don't want to make friends with her; my DB won't have a word said against her; I just want some clever retort. Any ideas?

I find 'oh do fuck off' offends nicely.....

Forget clever retorts because they have no effect in the long run. You are under no obligation at all to see nasty family members who start on your children given any opportunity. Sounds like DB has become her enabler; such women always meed a willing enabler to help them.

Did you brain engage before you just opened your mouth? You might want to work on that.

Or

Is it a conscience effort or just pure fluke that you sound like a bitch?

Just ask her to repeat what she just said.

I have said before "I don't think you realise how rude you sound" which seemed to work quite well, people find it hard to justify themselves when asked to actually explain a bitchy comment.

I find 'do feel at liberty to go and fuck yourself' usualy works but I think you would probably be best off just staying away from her. Some people just thrive off negative attention and want a reaction from you.

Challenge her. When she says something that makes you want to slap her silly say 'Excuuuuse me?' or 'What exactly do you mean?'

These sentences buy you some time. Valuable thinking time. Also, your SIL will need to think about how to reply. Which will make her squirm.

Bitch would'a got screamed at by me by now ...

Try " I'm sorry but I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with the unarmed"

Or " if I throw a stick will you leave?"

"Are you this rude to everyone or do you make a special effort with me?" <said very loudly>

Let her rant on and then when she's finished, look at her innocently and say "sorry, did you say something?"

Her head will blow clean off her shoulders.

Oh, or you could go for <calm, neutral voice> "I don't care about anything you think about anything. Would you like a cup of tea?"

'aren't you worried you're turning into a cantankerous old woman?'

How is you've managed to live this long and not be demoted to a single-cell organism

I'd love to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up your ass

hectate that second one is awesome. I'm going to use it as soon as I can.

It does work well. But it MUST be delivered in a calm, bland, disinterested voice to be most effective.

I have said before "I don't think you realise how rude you sound"

Even better: 'Did you mean that to sound so rude?'

Because it demands an answer. It's not my clever response, I must add, I read it on MN and thought it was genius. I will use it if I ever have the need...

"If I cared about your opinion, I would have been really offended."

I'm sorry but I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with the unarmed Brilliant, I'm nicking that!

A withering 'I don't give a shite what you think' and a steely stare also suffices.

Thanks so much for all your responses.

I shall almost look forward to seeing her next time , rather than my usual dread.

Oh you do come out with such rubbish - I don't know how you keep it to such a high standard of rubbish

I prefer a yawn and a "sorry, I stopped listening for a while then. We're you saying something interesting?"

If you can't say something nice to me , then it's best if you say nothing at all .

You know, you are so far up your own arse you'll meet yourself coming down.

That works quite well. As well as 'Ha ha ha. Oh, you were being sarcastic, wern't you?'