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How to tackle porn addiction?

(41 Posts)
Mypopcornface Tue 25-Sep-12 09:35:32

Sexual life is not great at the moment, I have no sex drive and he turned to porn. I don't feel comfortable with it for many reasons and mainly because we have a daughter and also because I was exposed to porn as a child and I don't think it caused me any good. We had a long conversation about it the other day and he admits understands the way I feel abut it and that watching it gives him a superficial short term pleasure....until he logs on again. Obviously I am an easy target to blame as I'm not keen on having sex. I know people will tell me to consult with a doctor but I'm fine not having sex and I don't want to change it. I suggest separation so he can find someone to have an intimate normal relationship with but he doesn't want to. I made it clear I won't have sex just to satisfying him. I know we have to compromise in marriage but I'm not willing to compromise with my body anymore. So maybe I should live him alone to watch his porn? It is not a secret at all and I'm not shocked he does it, just feel extremely uncomfortable and I wish he would use his time and brain power to do something more constructive and useful.

Offred Tue 25-Sep-12 09:43:07

I don't believe in "porn addiction" which is not a recognised diagnosis.

If you want to end the relationship he cannot refuse to allow this.

You do not have to "compromise with" your body and he should respect your choice but you cannot expect him to sty with you in that context (a proposed life of celibacy) but then doesn't sound as if you are. I don't think you should feel you have to compromise on the porn either. Someone has to break the stalemate here. If you want to split up you must insist on it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Sep-12 09:44:22

You can't 'tackle' someone else's addiction. You can only change yourself, not your partner. He can't fix your sex-drive any more than you can make him stop masturbating with porn. The choices are to tolerate or ignore the behaviour even though you don't like it, express how you feel and ask the other person to change, or give them up as a bad job, leave them to it and move your life forward solo. He's opted for the 1st option and is compensating. You've tried option 2 and it hasn't worked. If you've decided option 3 is the way forward and he's turned the idea down then you have to force the pace. e.g. leave, get him to leave, talk to solicitors etc.

Mypopcornface Tue 25-Sep-12 10:11:27

Huuum lots to think about and to consider. I just don't want to have sex not feel pressurised to...he actually doesn't give me pressure anymore but I had to be very open and clear about it. I really don't mind being married, I think the relationship is good for both of us and our daughter a part from the sex issue. That is why I'm prepared to let him go because obviously he needs a relationship with sex. But he won't leave and apparently he is happy enough in a sexless marriage as long as he can have porn. So I guess I need to make sure he wipes his porn history more often from his iPad as dd has access to it although she doesn't know yet how to get on the Internet, only her own games. It is password protected but she know the password so what is the point? Get him to change the password is another option than. There are no magazines or DVDs , when he used to buy them I was chucked it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Sep-12 10:15:17

Isn't that rather brushing the twin problems under the carpet? The 'anything for a quiet life' approach might seem the best solution at the moment but what happens when he gets fed up masturbating to pictures and decides he'd rather have a live female... or you find that all the passwords and history-wiping don't make you feel any better about his porn use?

didldidi Tue 25-Sep-12 10:23:24

Are you not concerned that you don't want sex anymore? is it him you have the problem with or do you just not want sex full stop?

Mypopcornface Tue 25-Sep-12 10:29:48

He is 4 years younger and this is his 1st relationship. I have had solo many serious relationships before him and have been through a LOT. I guess tha what I'm trying to say is that he is still very immature when it comes to relationships in general. I don't think he is ready to separate and I know from my own experiences how separation can damage and wreck people's lives. He knows how I feel about it all. He knows I wold be happy single (although I'm also happy in a sexless marriage) if you know what I mean. If he gets fed up of porn and mastubartion he better don't turn to me because he knows the answer and he knows how it makes him feel. If he finds OW so he might decide to leave. He says we would have sex at the beginning and I took it away from him, I see his point but I'm sorry I'm allowed to change aren't I? I don't think I ever enjoyed sex it was all part of the 'keep the guy game' that my younger self unconsciously had to play in order to feel loved and have relationships. So I probably need counselling or we maybe need counselling together. But him being a good father and we a 5 year old girl in the mix, I don't want to rush nor take any decision lightly, so yes, I'm brushing it under the carpet right now I guess.

Offred Tue 25-Sep-12 10:31:34

Agree with cog. You can try to pretend porn doesn't make you uncomfortable but if it does this will eventually come out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Sep-12 10:37:47

"I know from my own experiences how separation can damage and wreck people's lives."

And you don't think living in this kind of bizarre set-up where you've married him on false pretences, then rejected him sexually and would prefer him to join your celibate lifestyle isn't going to damage and wreck the poor man? You might also want to consider what future lies ahead for a little girl growing up in a household where this kind of relationship is her template for how healthy adults interact.

Mypopcornface Tue 25-Sep-12 10:48:21

Why you say false pretences? And I was thinking that him deciding to leave for himself would be actually better for him than yet rejecting even more...for a divorce to be done on good terms dont both parties need to agree? Children don't participate in the parents sexual life, so how could this problem be damaging for my daughter?

sooperdooper Tue 25-Sep-12 10:51:09

I know you say you're fine with your lack of sex drive, but did you used to enjoy it before now? If so, why don't you want to speak to the doctor about it?

I'll be honest, it doesn't sound like a porn 'addiction' as such, but he's openly looking for a way to replace the sex life you had, which is different - it's not like your sex life has diminished because of how much porn he's watching

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Sep-12 10:53:50

You admit that you never enjoyed sex and were just doing it as a 'keep the guy game'. People are allowed to change but you set your stall out as one thing and, once the ring is on the finger and the baby arrives, you've done a U-turn on something that most people would say was a fairly fundamental aspect of a happy marriage.... i.e. sex. This doesn't mean he's got carte blanche to do as he pleases, of course. Two wrongs don't make a right. But I think you have been guilty of deceit.

itsallinmyhead Tue 25-Sep-12 10:57:00

It doesn't sound to me like your DH has an addiction to porn, but a very human need to release pent up sexual desire, op.

It reads to me, like your DH doesn't want to separate or cheat on the woman he loves but (quite understandably) needs to fulfil his own sexual needs if your sex life has taken a dip.

You say you are happy to not have sex but is this the cause of another condition (depression etc.) that could be discussed with your gp?

Personally, sex with my DP is more about fulfilling a physical need, it's about sharing our love & being intimate with the man I want to be one with & it's about reaffirming our bond...don't you miss that?

BertieBotts Tue 25-Sep-12 11:03:24

Children don't participate in the sexual life of adults, no, but she will see from you how to resolve dispute and deal with differences. Sweeping things under the carpet isn't always the most healthy way of doing so...

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Sep-12 11:12:53

"Children don't participate in the parents sexual life, so how could this problem be damaging for my daughter? "

Because children are small, not thick. They can tell when two people aren't happy together. They are not fooled by stuck-on smiles. They hear the arguments, even though you think they don't.

Mypopcornface Tue 25-Sep-12 11:13:29

I understand cogito but I don't think I've done it in a evil conscious way to get a ring on my finger. If I even knew sex was such a big problem for me why would I want to get married in the first place? And having children wasn't even in my life plan. Bit of background when I was growing up although I don't mean to drip feed but maybe it will help at least me to understand myself more: cold, alcoholic, angry, absent father (after divorce we would see him very little, stay with his siblings at his weekends instead of himself, he wold always have a new girlfriend with him and never showed any affection to us at all)..../ full time working, impatient, cold, lesbian ( or bi?) (no prejudice here pls) mother who didn't have time for us, always said couldn't wait for us to grow up and leave, spent all free time with girlfriend upstairs while we had to fend for ourselves downstairs. Girlfriend lived with us as a 'friend', mother was never open about it until this date (they are not together now), we learned what the friendship from the streets, from friend's parents or other adults hinting us and obviously the porn stuff that we had access and she was not careful enough to protect us from.bith my mother's relationship that we witinesed were abusive and ended because of abuse.. So I guess I was desperate for love my whole life and sex is such a common thing when you are young, all the teenage pressure, men pressure, I didn't give it much thought before having my daughter I guess. I'm not sure if I enjoyed sex before or just went with th flow and thrill of being with a man, in a relationship, being grown up...

Mypopcornface Tue 25-Sep-12 11:18:25

Yeah, sounds like I have some issues. Of to work now with lots of thinking to do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Sep-12 11:19:26

So you have some serious and understandable issues with intimacy but the problem is that you don't seem to think counselling or treatment is appropriate. It's clear you want love - we all want love - but you seem to have consigned yourself to a sexless future and believe there is no reason for you to change. Meanwhile the DH that most probably does love you is resorting using porn which you're not happy about and could easily upgrade to an OW in due course.... and not even that seems to be motivation to address the intimacy problem.

I appreciate that you have problems and are unhappy but you are being selfish, controlling and borderline abusive to your partner. It is not up to you to insist that he ignores and suppresses his sexuality entirely. If you don't want to have sex with him, it's no longer your business what he does with his cock and you have no right to police his reading or viewing matter, either.

If you no longer want to be with him then see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings - and try to be as kind, fair and reasonable as possible about this. But you sound as though you think you own this man and he must be made to obey you. That's abusive thinking.

porridgelover Tue 25-Sep-12 11:24:18

I agree with most of what has been said above but there's seems to be 2 points that are not being addressed.

1. you say you were exposed to porn as a child....what, if any effect, has this had on your own sexuality and in what way has it affected your sex drive?

And as you have said that you see sex as 'the hook' for guys and not as part of the repertoire of communication and loving.

2. how strong is the possibility that your DD will be exposed to his porn.....because if there is even a slight possibility of it, then you should seperate asap. Her protection comes before your need for a quiet life or his for sexual satisfaction

sooperdooper Tue 25-Sep-12 11:24:44

I think you have some issues you need to deal with, this isn't about your husband having a 'porn addiction' it's about you having issues with sex and relationships due to your upbringing, have you thought about speaking to someone about this?

porridgelover Tue 25-Sep-12 11:26:44

sorry cross posted as you've added more detail....
which leads me to think that there is more here than your DP having an issue with porn.
Not that you are'nt entitled to feel uncomfortable about it...
but it seems like its one of a lot of other stuff for you

So do you never want to have sex with your partner again?

I mean, is it something you want to work on or is it a definite no, forever?

I think though, at the moment, in order for you to have a happier life you need to work on the issues you carry from the past. That's not to say once you do you'll be desperate to jump into bed with him at every chance, but for your own wellbeing.

You may decide to seperate, you may work it out but you seem to be carrying a lot of stuff with you that's unresolved and IMO that should be your first priority.

Sickandsad Tue 25-Sep-12 11:30:08

I think the thread title is misleading tbh. I'm no advocate of porn. My DH is having counselling for a long standing overuse of porn that has severely affected our marriage and resulted in long periods of sexless marriage. I can actually sympathise with your DH as being forced to live a celibate life when this is not what you want is a corrosive existence.

To brand him as a 'porn addict' is rather unfair. I think a good long talk with your DH about what you both want going forwards would be a more positive step. Only you can decide if you want to be with him and if you want to try counselling and/or a sex therapist to help you understand your issues with sex and intimacy.

Mypopcornface Tue 25-Sep-12 11:35:13

Thanks for all of your input and for reading my bad written and bad articulated thread. I know my sister done some counselling she too was affected a lot. We don't even talk about our childhood anymore when we get together as when she started her counselling our chats got more deeper and I don't think we (or maybe rather she?) could handle the memories very well. My parents are both in my home country and I find it incredible difficult to keep in touch the more my daughter grow and I revisit my own childhood. I will think about counselling but I'm not sure if I can be open to a stranger face to face. Here you don't know who I am and can't see me. I don't like the idea of telling someone things about my parents either don't they deserve not to have their flows and bad attitude not to be judge and not to be talked about? I don't tell my husband about all this because I want to protect my parents. It is so confusing.... Have a good day you all. Can I come back if I need to say more?

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