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Found out that DH has been sending messages on Adultwork for years. Gutted and so unsure of what to do/believe

(445 Posts)
SoUnsureNow Tue 18-Sep-12 16:24:30

This morning, my bus to work didn't turn up. We live rurally and another wasn't due for over two hours, so I went back home to look up the online train timetable for an alternative. I picked up DP's iPad from the kitchen table - and the screen was open to a message inbox on Adultwork, an advertising site for sex-work and escorting. It was DH's account. There were possibly 50 or so sent messages in there, dating back to late 2006 (a year before we got together) and right up to some dated only last week. Even more sickeningly, some of them were titled 'Bareback?', so this is obviously what he's been asking for. I couldn't read the actual messages, the account had automatically timed out so I could just see the last page viewed/inbox home.

When he got out of the shower I asked him what he was playing at. He claims that it's all him just messing around - that he gets bored working from home and being on his own all day, so he created a profile and sends the odd message on and off to "create a bit of fun and excitement" for himself during the day. He likes the anticipation of asking for a meet (escort appointment, I suppose?) with a special request and then waiting to see what the woman he's messaged replies to his request. He swears that he's never, ever bought sex, has never once met up with any of the women he messages during our relationship, would never put our relationship or my health at risk by having sex with women from Adultwork.

When I'm a bit bored at work, I might go and watch a funny video or two on Youtube or read the news on the BBC website. I don't create profiles on sex-buying sites/dating sites and message people to see what they send back.

I asked him to log me in to the account so I could read the messages he's been sending and receiving. I just wanted to see whether there was anything really incriminating there, like actual arrangements ot appointments, or post-appointment messages which would make it clear he's been buying sex. He refused, saying that even if there was nothing of that sort there, I'd still just think what I wanted to think.

Even though him saying this makes part of me almost certain that I'd find exactly what I think is there, my gut still believes him that he was just messing around online and hasn't ever taken it further. I don't know which is most likely. I don't know whether my 'gut' is just trying to get me to protect what I have rather than believe the worst.

Please hold my hand. I've been a mess all day. I don't have any family up here and not even one friend and not even an acquaintance, really - we relocated several hundred miles away from where I call 'home' last year, when DH was promoted: I sold my single-girl flat to help buy our house, packed in my (good, well-paid) job, left my friends and family behind. I have nowhere to go if I decide it's over. My job now is several paygrades below my old one and I can't afford to pay the mortgage on our house plus the rent on a new flat/even a room for myself.

I almost wish I hadn't seen what I've seen. I keep on thinking how could it happen, my bus is usually so reliable, why did it have to be AWOL today?! Stupid, I know. Our relationship is great - I'd have said near-perfect. We have a lovely home and a pretty carefree lifestyle. We rarely argue, and then only short rows about domestic or silly stuff. We'd decided to start TTC in the next couple of months. We still have sex most days: he can't claim that he sends sexy messages because he needs an outlet for his sex drive.

That's all, really.

BalloonSlayer Tue 18-Sep-12 16:30:42

What do you want to do?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 18-Sep-12 16:32:55

I'm sorry.

BalloonSlayer Tue 18-Sep-12 16:34:05

Just read your title, and see you don't know what to do.

I'd be asking myself why a timewaster like he says he is hasn't been blocked from by the site. Maybe they don't mind them.

The refusing to let you see the messages I see as negatively significant. He should be falling over himself to reassure you. You have asked him to do something to reassure you and he has refused.

And did he really say "even if there was nothing of that sort there, I'd still just think what I wanted to think."

If those were his actual words, then isn't he admitting that there MAY be actual arrangements ot appointments, or post-appointment messages which would make it clear he's been buying sex.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 18-Sep-12 16:34:17

Do you have a best friend you can call?

TheFidgetySheep Tue 18-Sep-12 16:34:52

Well, that is about as crap as it gets for yous isn't it.

All I could suggest is to try to protect yourself. You are no doubt in so much shock, you will not be able to process information or make sound decisions.

Book an appointment at STI clinic urgently, especially as you have been ttc.

Gather as much financial info as you can and copy it. Store it at work or at a friends house. This does not commit you to any course of action.

Try to eat and drink and get some sleep. In a week or so, you might be able to think more clearly.

fwiw, imo, he is a lying bastard who has put you at significant risk. I don't think this can be an innocent hobby.

Can you book to get away at the weekend to visit friends or family?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Sep-12 16:35:42

Even if he is just playing silly games on sex sites how does that make you feel about him? If he doesnt want you to see the messages it probably does mean it went beyond flirting. A six year cyber-sex habit isn't going to disappear overnight and he seems remarkably casual about the whole thing. Worth taking some time to think it through rather than making hasty decisions based on rental values. You have options.

BalloonSlayer Tue 18-Sep-12 16:35:51

Another point, he says he "has never once met up with any of the women he messages during our relationship,"

So did he meet them before?

PeppermintPasty Tue 18-Sep-12 16:36:47

Will he have deleted them now do you think? Is it the kind of site you can delete stuff from <tech dummy here> as I would be bloody well insisting on seeing those messages or packing his bag if he refused. I'm so sorry.

Crinkle77 Tue 18-Sep-12 16:38:44

I think what you need to do first is get yourself to the doctors to get checked out as 'bareback' suggests unprotected sex.

I would not believe him when he says he just did it when he was bored. If so why ask for bareback. If he is guilty then he obviously has no consideration for your health if he is prepared to put it at risk

SoUnsureNow Tue 18-Sep-12 16:40:51

First reaction, I want to stay. I love DH, desperately. But I can't trust him, especially if he's still being secretive. But I also think I mainly want to stay because of my home and what I feel is my lack of security to do anything but stay. But I do know that if we hadn't moved house, and I hadn't sold my flat, and I still had my support network, I'd probably leave. Or at least be less muddle-headed.

I know that I can't just let it lie and believe him blindly. But I can't see how I can reinforce that to him.

2cats2many Tue 18-Sep-12 16:41:40

This is so shit for you. Sorry, but he is clearly lying. I just can't see any way that he would have been emailing prostitutes since 2006 unless he was meeting them to buy sex.

Holy shit! Is that what that site is? I've used my OH's laptop a few times and that site comes up along with a few others like Mumsnet, Amazon etc as one of the sort of 'websites you've viewed recently / regularly' options. Shit, I never even gave it a second glance or wondered what it was. Feel like an idiot now and need to do some digging...

You have my sympathy OP.

TheCalmingManatee Tue 18-Sep-12 16:43:29

You know that he's lying don't you? There are plenty of chat rooms that you can go and have "adult chats" and get a bit of daytime excitement where there is no "joining" no account and no mention of meeting up for sex. Or if there is, its all a bit tongue in cheek and fantasy land. I have done this in the past blush. That is worlds apart from signing up with an escort agency.

Too late to insist on him showing you now, he will have deleted his history.

I don't know where you go from here? There is a massive breach of trust and he hasn't gone any way to reassure you that this has stopped.

ObscuredByClouds Tue 18-Sep-12 16:44:37

So sorry OP. I'm not sure I'd believe him because he wouldn't show you his profile and also why the hell would someone send messages over a number of years just for kicks? And tbh, even if it is just for the thrill of sending messages, that in itself is a huge betrayal in my eyes.

OneHandFlapping Tue 18-Sep-12 16:46:49

Whatever you do, put your ttc plans on hold for now. The last thing you need is to find yourself pregnant when everything is so up in the air.

Tamisara Tue 18-Sep-12 16:49:15

Shit OP - I don't know what to say! I'd never even heard of this site, and have just discovered my DH has an account. I only discovered this by (just this minute) putting his email in the forgotten password form, and it sent a reminder. I feel sick. Whatever you want to do, I think I will join you.

HecateHarshPants Tue 18-Sep-12 16:49:15

There's only one reason that he refused to let you look, and that's because he knew what you'd find. If he suddenly has a change of heart and decides to let you see - it's cos he's logged on and deleted everything!

If you want to try to work through this, he's going to need to be honest with you.

He's probably trying 'damage limitation', thinking if you can't prove anything, you can't do anything. But he's wrong. Not knowing is worse than knowing, because you can't help but think the worst. If you know everything, then you can make an informed choice.

But how can you believe someone who is clearly hiding things and how can you try to rebuild trust when you know they're not being honest with you?

It's part of the script - admit only that which she can prove.

It's really shitty and it is a barrier to dealing with it.

If you want to deal with it, that is.

From outside it, the thought "leave the bastard" is deafening! But it sounds like that's not what you want to do?

ErikNorseman Tue 18-Sep-12 16:49:42

Liar, liar, liar
He has had a profile for 6 years and has never done anything? Lies. He won't let you see the messages? Lies. Liar, liar, liar
So sorry but there it is. He lets you see the messages immediately or he is admitting the lies. Dirty fucker sad

SoUnsureNow Tue 18-Sep-12 16:50:10

He said that it won't make any difference that I won't find actual dates and times in the messages because I'll just choose to believe he's deleted those messages/made the arrangements by phone. So he's not going to let me see stuff he knows will upset me even more when it's totally emoty and meaningless. I want to believe him, but I don't the more i think about it. He said that all the 'Bareback?' stuff is part of the fantasy, it excites him to write the request for something so dirty and then see what's returned.

I do have a best friend, but she's 36 weeks pregnant and even though I know she'd fall over backwards to help me, I don't want to burden her with all this sordid shit when she should be looking forward to her baby. I'd call my mum, but how do I explain online sex to an elderly woman?!. She'd be gutted as well.

I've booked myself in for an STI check on Wednesday.

Thankyou. It's just so difficult, only having my own thoughts and no other perspective and nobody even to talk to.

SoUnsureNow Tue 18-Sep-12 16:51:16

So sorry that others here have Adultwork on their radar sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Sep-12 16:52:02

"But I do know that if we hadn't moved house, and I hadn't sold my flat, and I still had my support network, I'd probably leave."

Run with that thought. Whatever you decide to do next, don't let the decision come down to bricks, mortar and a few quid. You'll end up feeling you sold yourself cheap.

HalfaShandy Tue 18-Sep-12 16:52:24

I agree with ErikNoresman. If this was a recent thing then it may be believable that this has not escalated. But 6 years. I doubt very much that messaging alone has kept hom amused for 6 years. I imagine it has slowly escalated and there is alot more to this than he is admitting.

His refusal to let you view his account in full is a big red flag and his excuse for not allowing you is lame! If he has nothing to worry about then surely he wants to proove his innocence.

So sorry OP.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 18-Sep-12 16:52:39

I know that I can't just let it lie and believe him blindly. But I can't see how I can reinforce that to him.

Any action that involves you staying with him will only reinforce to him that he's gotten away with it.

I mean, he's not even being truthful and asking what he can do to make it better, is he? No: he's giving you bald-faced lies, to deny the fact that he has been buying sex from prostitutes. Not exacly a great start.

The only action on your part that will get any kind of message through to him is for you to insist that one of you move out, until such time as you feel you can trust him again.

Words clearly mean nothing to him (cf his own lies). The only thing left is to show him the consequences of his behaviour.

So that's THREE of us who think our OHs have at the very least been emailing prostitutes on that site and at the worst god only knows what? What the hell is going on! I'm going to try and get my hands on that laptop the minute I get home.

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