I have ruined everything.

[frowniefuckingface]

Hi, I have posted a couple of times before, neither were a great success mainly because I am shit at saying how I feel.

This is going to be long so please bear with me.

My dp and I are going through a rough time. We are not communicating and just not understanding each other.

The main focus of our difficulties is how much each of us and my parents (we live with my parents) do around the house. I have said over and over and over again that he doesn't have to do everything himself, and I am trying to help however when I say 'I will do that tomorrow' he will do it now. He is trying to do everything himself.

He is also ill, he broke his back when he was a teenager, this has left him in constant pain, and has a neurological disorder. I try to understand however I just do not seem to be able to understand enough to help. I say that I am here for him. I know that it pisses him off when I get upset when he is in pain, but sometimes it is hard to see the person you love in pain.

This leads me onto another problem, I am constantly tearful with low moods. I was diagnosed with depression about 5 years ago and in the past couple of months it has come back. I have a doctors appointment on Monday. The reason why it has come m back is a combination of things including the fact that I no longer seem desirable to him, we have not had sex in 5 months because he is in pain. But as selfish as it sounds it makes me feel as though he no longer finds me attractive it makes me feel low. We no longer cuddle or show affection either.

Now because of the depression I have got it into my head that he is seeing someone else. He helps his parents out (his father has broken his hip) and often stays over that's fine, he also works late but he has always done so since we met 3 and half years ago. Last week I did something so stupid that I am berating myself and feel sick with myself - I looked through his phone and I found some messages from a woman who I now to be a colleagues wife. The messages were a little flirty but harmless really. After reading them I confronted him and asked if he was seeing someone else. He was so hurt and so calm explaining that no he wasn't having an affair and that she is someone who he can talk to about his medical problems because she is going through similar. I was so apologetic and said that I did not actually think he was having an affair its more about me feeling so insecure in our relationship.

Any way I wrote him a letter to explain everything, about why I looked at his phone, and how I do appreciate him and am upset that he cannot talk to me about his medical problems. I also explained the depression/anxiety and how it is affecting my judgement. We slowly started talking again but last night he was staying at his mum and dads, and I had a couple of vino's and spilled my heart out to my mum. I asked her not to get involved. What did she do? She sent him a message to collect all of his stuff and take our dogs. When I found this out I tried to explain to my partner that I talked to my mum about it and she has got the wrong end of the stick and no he is not being kicked out. I also ended up having to go home from work early, he has not come home, I do not know where he is, he is not answering his phone or responding to texts. I cant really blame him for that.

When I got home, I was greeted by my drunk parents asking how I could have got them involved, all I did was speak to them. And that my mum is now going through hell because I got her involved and she did something wrong and that it is my fault. I have tried to explain that I am unwell and I am not coping. It doesn't matter. My father wants to speak to my partner and I have begged him not to. I do not think he will.

I am in such a dark place and I want to make it right but I just cant see how. I have contemplated doing something stupid so the doctors on Monday will not come soon enough. I have not slept in days and have not eaten since Tuesday. I have hurt my partner and I don't know if I can make it right.

Sounds stressful
Could you afford a place of your own with him?

No, not yet we are here so we can save.

Do you have children ? Can you stay with his parents ?

Take it back to base principles. Your partner has withdrawn affection, staying out late or overnight quite a lot & is texting another woman in a mildly flirty fashion, preferring to share private information with her rather than you. That's enough to knock your confidence and trust, even if there are innocent explanations for everything.

Your mum is programmed to protect you from harm (you don't mention any children) so it's fairly understandable that she sees you upset, sick, unhappy, hears the story, puts two and two together and makes five. Probably shouldn't have got involved but that ship has sailed.

What happens next is that you tell your parents to give the pair of you some space to talk, then wait for him to get back in touch. Resist the temptation to go chasing after him, begging him to come back. Meet somewhere neutral, be honest with each other and take it from there.

Can anyone help me to see some light in this? What should I do?

No children just dogs. Two beautiful labs who are sat at my feet. I know I need to give him space and my last message to him was along those lines.

Sit and wait. He's a grown man that won't come to any harm. He knows where you are. All you've done, as far as I can see, is want a little affection from your partner and overreact possibly as a result. He may not be able to cope with your depression on top of his own problems but that can happen in any relationship. If you're incompatible as a couple he may be doing you a favour by walking out at this stage. Stranger things have happened. As for suicide, that solves nothing except to ruin everyone else's life.

Thank you CogitoErgoSometimes I wouldn't actually do anything stupid but just to think it is a shock.

Of course it's been a shock but, rather than blaming yourself, direct your anger outward where it belongs at a man that walks out on the person he's supposed to love rather than stand up for your relationship when it hits a snag. I can recommend vigorous exercise as a way to give yourself time to think & improve your mood. Those dogs could probably take you for a nice long walk.

While you're walking, take all that nervous energy think about what you want from the relationship. Is this person with a neurological disorder that doesn't communicate and doesn't hug you any more really what you need in a life-partner, for example? If he does walk back through the door, what has to change to make the relationship work better? (And don't say 'me') Where do you see yourself in 5, 10 or 20 years time... and does he have the same vision?

He has walked out because he is not coping too well with his problems, and how he sees it I am not helping him because of my own depression, however as much as I have tried to explain to him that the way I feel is a psychological condition and I cannot just snap out of it, it still is about him and his problems.

I am slowly coming to the conclusion that we need to have a break. And we need to figure out what we want.

There's an old adage about things happening for a reason, and it seems to me that fate has stepped in to give you a much needed break from an unfulfilling relationship which has caused your depression to recur.

It's time to take stock of the ways in which this man ehances your life. If you conclude that he sucks the joy out of it, ditch him dispense with his services and rejoice that it is a lot less stressful sharing custody of canines than dc.

That is true izzyizin. I just miss the way we were, we used to have fun, we used to make each other happy, but recently it seems as though we are both getting it wrong. And it is making us both unhappy.

So you are not married,dont have dcs and dont own a property together?-yee ha! get out now.I would not believe him for one second about the collegue.

Your not happy,he is sniffing around someone else-call it a day now before it gets messy.

I just need to see the wood from the trees so to speak. I suppose recently this relationship has become toxic for both of us.

Recently every time I have tried to say how I feel he doesn't want to know because it adds to his problems. And I end up screaming inside 'what about me'. I suppose I need to figure out if I am trying to cling on to the relationship so that I am not alone or whether I genuinely am wanting to sort it because I love him and want to spend my life with him.

No we are not married, neither of us are fussed about marriage. He did give me a Claddagh ring on our second anniversary.

Listen to that voice that's screaming inside you. Your needs are as valid as anyone else's on this planet and life's far to short to squander it in a relationship that doesn't make you feel validated.

I suspect that if you take a couple of months out of your current less than fulfilling relationship your depression will lift and you'll see the trees in all their glory - and see him for the dead wood he is.

Well I had a couple of hours sleep, in between waking up and checking my phone. I hate this, I hate knowing that he thinks it's my fault for this because I have not supported him. But then I think he needs to support me too.

Try not to think in terms of 'fault'. All relationships involve a degree of co-dependency and it's always about finding a balance. There will be times when one partner needs more support than the other but, in a good relationship, there is the understanding that the support will be reciprocated when needed. When one partner's demands are so great that the other is excluded or neglected then things get strained. When both partners need a lot of support a lot of the time, when they struggle to cope with their own problems, neither will be able to help the other satisfactorily.

Which is a long-winded way of saying that if you don't think you are cut out for the role of his carer (and vice versa), that isn't a personal failing necessarily. But it might mean you're not suited as life-partners.

But because he is using the term fault as in it is my fault our relationship is like this, I cant help but think of it as my fault. I know things have to change but unless we work together it never will. I said that I need him to want to work at our relationship and he said he needed space and time.

You're choosing to blame yourself and he's choosing to blame you.... totally unfair but very common. You're quite right, you can't fix things without him being on board. So if he's taking 'space and time' (which is often code for 'it's over'), rather than anxiously waiting for him to reach a decision, take the opportunity to live a little. Switch your phone off, stop obsessing, keep busy and get out and enjoy the lovely weather.

I think that in my heart of hearts I know it is over and has been for a long time. I just cannot carry on feeling like this, the feelings of in inadequacy, the self loathing.

It's always tough when a relationship goes wrong because you've invested so much time & emotion into it. When you're not getting anything back in return it's totally draining and depressing. You're not inadequate, just a normal human being that needs love and affection to feel valued. This is the time to think of all the positive things about yourself, be with people that like you, go places and do things that give you a boost.

He has just got in touch with me asking if I still want to go to the cinema this week and to see how the dogs are. After what happened yesterday to say that I am confused is an understatement.

Then you say you 'need a bit of space'.... and leave it a little while. You've had a nasty shock, you've been unhappy for some time, things need to change and, if the first time he says 'jump' you ask 'how high?' then you're accepting the status quo.

Great posts cogito

Frownie, what about replying something along the lines of yes you'd like to see him but the two of you need to go somewhere you can have a proper talk (so not the cinema, maybe dinner? Or a long walk?). Perhaps try to plan it for later in the week to give you both some time to get your thoughts straight?

Oh and 'how are the dogs?' rather than 'how is my unhappy and unwell partner?'. Sod that