Just separated - 50/50 split is breaking my heart

[rockinastocking]

Hi.

My husband moved out on Wednesday. An amicable split, with 50/50 childcare.

I'll have the children three nights one week, four nights the next, over the weekends.

He took the children with him, and I haven't slept for two nights.

It's breaking my heart.

They are 11 and 13.

Someone please tell me this gets better.

[rockinastocking]

Shameless bump, am desperate for encouraging words.

[ohdearwhatdoidonow]

It does get better. I am 5/6 years on, we both have new partners, and it's still amicable. Not quite a 50/50 split on childcare, but he picks them up from school 3 days a week, and has them every other weekend.

We still got to parents evenings, and sporting events together, I get on with his new partner. Kids are as happy as they can be.

[fiventhree]

It will get better.

This happened to me in my first marriage, many years ago!

At first you are in shock.

Then you find that 'being on your own' in an empty house is weird and unfamiliar. You are processing the emotions and also have nothing to do with this unfamiliar free time. And main friends are married or couples from the marriage and you dont want to spend time with them so much at the moment.

When you get used to it, you will find ways to keep yourself busy and get some fun back in your life.

You will notice that the kids get used to it too, and cope fine.

And after a while, you know what, you cant even quite remember what it used to be like.

Hugs

[rockinastocking]

I just miss them. I could cope with that, but they are missing me too.

I feel selfish. Like we've torn their lives apart.

I can't imagine not having them four nights a week.

I was quite gung ho about it, before the event. This has hit me like a ton of bricks. I keep waking up in the night crying.

[rockinastocking]

Thank you for replying.

[Bonsoir]

Do you see your DCs on the days they do not sleep at your house?

My DP and his exW have always had a 50:50 split, but when they were little DP took the DSSs to school even on the days that they slept at exW's home, and he had lunch with them/took them to activities on those days too. The only days he didn't see them at all were on Saturday and Sunday of alternate weekends.

Nowadays he sees them every day but Monday and alternate Saturdays.

[rockinastocking]

No, as I work full time and stbxh has rented a house 20 miles away.

I suppose it would be doable to see more of them after work...

[undermyskin]

Rockin, it does get better because you and the DC will get used to it, hard as it is at first. You may feel like you have gone from one extreme to the other, ie perhaps too much time with the DC and then not enough time. You will hopefully come to feel there is a good balance and even to enjoy the freedom for you. Your DC will thrive: they will spend good amounts of time with both parents and see their parents working well in their best interests.

With the 50:50 split do you have a good arrangement about those 'big events' we get fixated on, like Christmas and birthdays? You and exP will probably want to start with a rigid 50:50 but with time can build in some flexibility when holidays and other plans need to disrupt this.

[rockinastocking]

We wanted to give the children some say about how to handle Xmas, and guess what? We're having it together

I just feel desperately sad about losing my family. I hated my marriage, but I loved my family. Feel very alone, especially in the night.

[Bonsoir]

DP also works FT, as does his exW, and they always have done. That's not so much of a barrier as the 20 miles, which, if I am brutally honest, is far too far away for a successful 50:50 arrangement.

[rockinastocking]

I know. He insisted. He had his reasons and they were good ones and my fault, so I have to suck it up

[PigeonStreet]

I don't think I can add anything much that is very useful to you but I wanted to let you know that it will get easier. I am sure that you made this decision for the best of all of you. IMHO it is much better for kids to get used to their parents living apart when it is all out in the open rather than them living with parents together who are both painfully unhappy but pretending that everything is okay.

It will get easier i am sure.
Can you keep yourself busy? Can you get something ready to do with the kids when they get back?

Stay strong, and don't be too hard on yourself.

[maleview70]

It's just like when a child goes to university.

You need to use the time to take up hobbies etc.

Always remember you hated your marriage. Kids will be better off with two happy parents rather than ones who don't love each other

[rockinastocking]

That's been my mantra, but man, it hurts when it becomes real.

Just hope they're doing better than me.

[susiedaisy]

Personally for me and my dc, my exH and I have done a split on childcare that suited the kids (within reason) because once they were happy and settled, I found it so much easier to relax and try to heal my own emotional wounds, loosing the family unit is heartbreaking I know I spent all of last year grieving for it, I found counselling helped a great deal and also always having close friends and family to turn to for support,

[PigeonStreet]

Your kids will get used to it quickly if they can see that you are your xp are working through it as best you can. They will also need to be able to talk to you when it gets hard for them.

You will feel crappy a lot of the time to begin with but I'm sure it will get better when you see the kids settling down and getting used to a settled routine.
What interests do you have that you could follow up a bit more? Do you have many friends/ family who you can lean on a bit in these early days?

[rockinastocking]

Friends and family are being brilliant, really. Just got this big house, loads of animals and a ft job to cope with and I'm a bit overwhelmed. Lack of sleep isn't helping.

It'll improve. I hope.

[ohdearwhatdoidonow]

It's difficult to take any positives out of it at the beginning - but here are some of mine:
The time apart I spent doing all chores stuff, so when I have my DC's it's quality time, really good fun stuff.
I have more time to concentrate on me, which makes me a better person to be around
I have control of the TV remote and don't have to watch crappy kids TV for most of the week.
We have loads to talk about when we are back together again.
Even when they are with their Dad I text them goodnight and they do me. Some of the stuff they have sent me I will treasure forever.

It will and does get better! This phase you are in now will pass.

XXX

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

Why do you say it's your fault OP that your ex has moved 20 miles away?

[rockinastocking]

Thank you ohdear that's very encouraging.

Thank you everyone

[DinahMoHum]

do the children want a 50/50 split, or just your exP?

I have a 50/50 split with my exh for my eldest son, but its only a recent thing and thats what my son wants. Before that it was one night in the week and every other weekend, friday to monday.

If youre not happy with a 50/50 split, say so. If its 20 miles away, how does getting to school work?

[rockinastocking]

Because a couple of years ago I had an emotional affair with a man who lives in the area.

I confessed to my h and we tried to make a go of it, but tbh it was an exit affair and I just couldn't make it work.

He says he needs to be away so he can start afresh.

I don't blame him. I behaved badly.

[rockinastocking]

School is exactly half way between our homes.

The children want 50/50, yes.

[LittleEsmeWeatherwax]

rockin, things will get better for you all. It takes time to learn a new routine.

I married a man (who was 6yrs divorced) who had 50/50 with his daughter. I'm saying this just to reassure you - whilst I became her step-mum (and I dote on her I really do, she's lush) for 50/50 too, it's her Mum that is always her Mum. That has never changed, never will change.

It's so fantastic that your and your stbxh are open and communicating. You are both setting such a good example for your children. I followed his lead when I came along and now we all get on really, really well. Your children will be stable and happy, that I can guarantee. It does work. I promise.

So, while it hurts now (and for that I give you a huge un-MN hug), it will get better.

[rockinastocking]

Thank you esme