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Relationships

AIBU to end my marriage over an iPod?

48 replies

Bogeyface · 27/02/2012 13:25

Sounds stupid doesnt it?

Potted history....

various lies over the years, nothing major really but it all adds up, you know? And then last year, 5 weeks after giving birth, I found out that H had been having a sexting affair (and trying to arrange to meet for sex although she seemed to be reluctant to go the final step) for almost a year, so most of our marriage.

I made it clear that if we were to work past it there would have to be 100% honesty, no more lies.

I had Norovirus starting in the early hours of Saturday morning. I was over the worst of it by lunchtime yesterday although still had the runs and was feeling fairly rough. I came downstairs and saw him holding something I hadnt seen before. He shoved it out of the way and I said "what was that?" He said he had been holding the remote, which was so laughably stupid, and I said "Dont lie to me, what was it" and it turns out that it was a new ipod touch. I lost it.

Not because he bought it, I have bought a new phone this last week, and I have no problem with him spending his money on such things. I went mental because his first insinct was to lie. AGAIN. He made excuses, which I shot down in flames, and then attempted to turn it into being my fault ("you would have only had a go at me".....erm based on what evidence exactly?).

I say that I gave him a choice 9 months ago, when I found out about his affair. Either the lies stopped or our marriage was over. As he hasnt stopped lying, he has clearly made his choice and our marriage is over. Frankly I wouldnt believe him now if he told me that the sky was blue. He has always erred on the side of bullshit, I have no idea why.

I told him last year that I was this close to not loving him anymore. That every little thing had killed the trust and the love bit by bit and that I was sure that another incident would kill it altogether and tbh, I think it has.

Last year I asked myself, and him, over and over why he married me if was going to cheat. What I didnt ask myself, until last night, was why I married him. I am too good for him, I always was. The problem was that he knew that and I didnt. Now I do, WIBU to end our 2 year marriage?

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Bogeyface · 27/02/2012 13:29

I should add, that he has had it several weeks. He knew I wanted one as my ipod has broken, his has not. He didnt even tell me he had bought it and offer me his old one until I got a new one!

when my car broke down I sold my Kindle (brand new) to help pay the repairs. He didnt sell anything (money was a big issue for us at the time) and I found out later that he had 2 Archos tablets, one of which he didnt use, but he didnt want to get rid of it, so refused.

You can add selfishness to the list.

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QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 13:31

Yanbu.

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AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 13:32

Do I need to give you my verdict ?

I am very sorry, love. Not really sure why you are still there at all x

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Tuppenyrice · 27/02/2012 13:35

YANBU he sounds like a twat. Good luck and know this - your life will be ace once you move on x

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Bogeyface · 27/02/2012 13:37

AF :o

No, you really dont. Infact as I was typing it I thought "I know what AF will say"!

I am still here because I was ill after I had the baby and with 4 other younger ones at home I knew I wouldnt cope, and for that reason I am glad I did. Things are different now though, and maybe thats why I have hit the roof about the ipod, because I am in a place where I can fully deal with what happened last year, when at the time I really wasnt able to.

This is my OP by the way, I name changed but it is me.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1255874-If-you-stayed-together-after-his-affair-what-happened

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rarebreed · 27/02/2012 13:38

Yanbu. Hope you are ok. X

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solidgoldbrass · 27/02/2012 13:41

YANBU at all, because this man is demonstrating so clearly that he really doesn't give a toss about you and how you might feel. He's only interested in himself. Best of luck with getting rid and moving on.

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Bogeyface · 27/02/2012 13:42

That pretty much covers what I was thinking SGB.

And do you know what, he will be heartbroken by this. Stupid stupid man :(

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AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 13:45

Of course he will be heartbroken. They always are when the chickens come home to roost and they have to feel the consequences of their actions.

These I-pods ? is there a messenger facility on them ?

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MadAboutHotChoc · 27/02/2012 13:45

Have not read your first thread but just wanted to say that it is not looking good as it seems he never worked on his character flaws following the affair and those traits you have described are red flags.

The lack of consideration/caring/love (not offering you his ipod etc) is very worrying Sad

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MadAboutHotChoc · 27/02/2012 13:46

Ipods are like mini computers - you can use these for emails/messaging and I am concerned that he is being possessive with it, have you had a look at it?

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Bogeyface · 27/02/2012 13:46

Take a wild guess AF.

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Chubfuddler · 27/02/2012 13:57

An iPod touch is like an iPhone but without the phone calls so email, messages etc.

Good luck op, you know you are better off without him. You aren't really leaving him over an iPod are you? It's because he's a compulsive liar and you simply don't trust him.

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TheCrunchUnderfoot · 27/02/2012 14:03

Born liar

Born cheat.

Yes, you're too good for him.

Two years = not bad, can be written off.

Ten, fifteen, twenty years? = your life WASTED.

Get shot! Oh, and the reason he's lied about something so 'trivial' is because he's probably using it to cheat. Or will do. And thought it might be a foolproof way to do so.

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SaraBellumHertz · 27/02/2012 14:06

YANBU get rid.

Especially since an I touch is about the best way to conduct an affair Sad

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kodachrome · 27/02/2012 14:08

Death of a thousand cuts. Sorry bogeyface. Yanbu.

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Bogeyface · 27/02/2012 14:21

Thanks all.

Have booked an initial appointment at Relate for me, to help me get my head straight and work out how to proceed from here.

So sad :(

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MadAboutHotChoc · 27/02/2012 14:29

Have looked at your other thread - I feel for you Sad

What did he do to help you and the marriage recover? Counselling etc?

I would also see a solicitor to find out your legal rights and talk to CAB about tax credits/benefits so that you know where you stand legally and financially.

Good luck x

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Bogeyface · 27/02/2012 14:34

Thanks Mad

Have looked into money etc. The house situation is easy, it would simply be a case of sorting out access and maintenance.

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Bogeyface · 27/02/2012 14:35

Re counselling etc, I didnt want to due to a bad experience with Relate previously, I now realise that that was a mistake. He agreed to read the Shirley Glass book but 9 months later he is about 30 pages in, tells you everything really doesnt it?

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NorksAreMessy · 27/02/2012 14:41

In some ways, he has done you a favour, shown you his true colours before you wasted any more time or mental energy on him.
He does NOT deserve you. No way, not even a little bit, nu-uh, nope.
Sling your hook MrBogey

Stay strong bogey we are all behind you

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TheCrunchUnderfoot · 27/02/2012 15:45

Lots of folk seem to have had a bad experience with relate- could you cast the net a bit wider maybe? Get a personal recommendation for a good counsellor?

Good luck, and well done for having the courage and clarity of mind to call time like this - good on yer bogey

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LiarsWife · 27/02/2012 15:51

Sorry you are in this situation .. but you can't trust someone who lies to you all the time (take it from one who knows)

You seem to be very calm and ready to handle it. Good luck! x

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YankNCock · 27/02/2012 15:55

There's a lot you can do yourself WRT to divorce. I did mine myself with only two short sessions with a solicitor to check everything over. It doesn't have to be expensive. My ex, on the other hand, spent about £3k for me to get exactly what I'd asked for in the first place.

The court service has all sorts of leaflets that helped me through it (scroll down on the link) and all the forms are available online.

Good luck!

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ChickensHaveNoLips · 27/02/2012 15:56

I'm sorry Bogey :( But you're right you know. You're too good for him.

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