Mumsnet Talk

because he thinks she wants to get back together. Should I be pissed off? WE haven't really got into a proper relationship yet, though it was definitely on the cards and moving that way. And we have had sex, I know, I know...... Feel decidedly cheesed off about it but I really hvae not offered anything in the way of promises of a relationship or a future.

Well this sort of thing is annoying so it's understandable you're not happy. No one likes being dumped, no one likes having someone else chosen in preference to themselves.
But given that it sounds like this man has not so far offered you any kind of commitment, he is not your partner, and you havedn't been seeing each other very long, it's fine to be narked at the situation but not fine to have a go at him about it. He's being honest with you. That's a good thing. And if he goes back to her, think of it as his loss and move merrily on.

Well it's better to know now that he'd take his ex back than to find out further down the road.

If it doesn't work out tonight, is he expecting you to be available to him? Don't be.

Is he meeting her because he would like to get back together if it's what she wants or to let her down gently?

If it's to let her down gently then he sounds worth taking the time to get to know better.

If he would get back with her given the opportunity - then drop him like a hot coal!

Should you be pissed off? No. He hasn't lied to you and you aren't yet in a relationship - it wouldn't be quite right to be pissed off... upset yes, angry no.

Sorry, wrong answer, and on to the next one.

yes he has been honest but the fact that he has been ringing/texting me and obviously her too is a bit of a fuck off. We were meant to see each other last night but I had to cancel, so offered tonight instead, He said he couldn't and wanted to talk to me so he came round and he told me that he was seeing her. If I had not cancelled Fri he might have seen us both in one weekend which i find unacceptable.
chippin - i think he would like to otherwise he wouldn't meet he would he?!. He sent a text saying "I like you....a lot", and I replied saying "yes, but you like x a lot too", adn he replied "yes, i cannot lie, I do." Think I might cut loose at this juncture at count my blessings. Shame though, we are both widowed and our dd's are best friends....

kodachrome - he dropped his dd off tonight for a o and I was far less 'engaging' than I would have been. Felt v awkward though as I had previously said I was chilled about relationships etc given my past. However, I didn't expect him to talk about possibly reconciling with an ex!

a sleepover!

Buggering bugger I was hoping you/he were/was going to say he was just letting her down gently. Either you are the only person he can imagine being with (now after being widowed) or you aren't. End of. It's a shame but there's no way this is going to be anything but bad news for you if you stay with him. Let the girls down gently (if they even know you are seeing each other) and maintain a cool friendship with him for their sake. Thankfully, you weren't in too deep, but I know 'deep enough' for it to hurt & upset you and to have been thinking about the future

You will be OK though - give it a little while, brush yourself down and start again x

I would cut loose. If he comes back saying it was a bust and wants to date you, you'll never know whether it was because she was the one doing the letting down and whether if she changed her mind he'd be gone like a rat out of an aquaduct. Feeling like second choice is no way to start a relationship.

Hang on... He's out with his ex and you're babysitting his DD?

you are right. Oddly, when he came round yesterday to tell me I felt very attracted to him - he looked gorgeous. This evening he looked like he was not worthy of me. . I have been out with exes before (last weekend i went to see one in a show with friends) but it was as a friend and with absolutely no thoughts or intentions of anything other than a drink. He knew I was going out but it was something I would have done anyway and I told him so. I do feel more and more like I am being taken the piss out of.

the dd's have no clue about anything going on. dd would be mortified, her friend would be delighted. He hasnlt even told his dd that he is seeing his ex tonight either.

*Tooeasily *- his dd is a delight. my dd and his are bff so they had made the arrangement for a sleepover anyway As they are teenagers he would have gone out anyway so, no, not really babysitting - now I would definitely have drawn the line at that!!

Dont blame you for feeling pissed off if you thought like it was moving towards a relationship. Dont want to sound harsh but it sounds a bit like you were rebound sex, in any case he's not emotionally available so move on, and thank your lucky stars you found out the situation before you had more emotionally invested.

simon - he was widowed 11yrs ago, remarried and then divorced and the one he is with tonight is his most recent ex. They've been apart a while so not sure I was rebound sex. But we were certainly both tired of being alone (I have only been widowed 22 mths so early days for me but still I feel ready for a slow burning relationship iyswim. This sounded pefect as he understands the difficulties of rasing two children without a partner etc.

Interesting that you say tonight he didn't look worthy. I really hope you stick with that as he sounds a bit messed up.

chipping - he is a good man, raised his children etc. works full time, does all the parent stuff. I don;t want to run him down but I don;t think we are basically suited. He is not my usual 'type'. But I liked him because of that, because he views things differently than I am used to but we have lots in common - and he is very good at sex . I think I'll pass though. I know in my heart of hearts it is probably a mis-match. Adn I have had other offers . It is shame though, I was getting v fond of him buti this has pissed me off

yes go out with others, if that's what you feel like doing.
sorry to hear you're widowed and it's fairly recent still so that must be really hard.
When you're first dating after having been married it's easy to think no-one more suitable might come along or whatever but of course there are plenty of surprises and lots of nice others will be along

pennypencil - yes I hope so. I am enjoying the journey though! I have never had so much male attention since I was in my 20's! In all honesty, I don;t want to have a full on relationship yet but I do want to feel loved by someone other than my children etc. It felt beautiful to be held in that way again

2T2T - You sound like you've answered your own question now. Have you heard from him today? Either way, it sounds like you should be enjoying all this other male attention and make this man realise that you are nobody's second best.

2T2T - he might be all of those things but to me he still sounds emotionally messed up and I don't think he would be good for you. He's old enough to know that he's messing you around emotionally, especially as you have been (fairly recently) widowed. An emotionally sorted man would not be seeing/dating/having sex with you unless he thought you were possibly 'the one' he wanted to spend his future with and definitely not while he's still harbouring feelings for his ex.

Of course it's lovely to be held 'in that way' again and it's good you want that, just don't underestimate how vulnerable you still are OK x

so he comes round this morning to collect his dd and everything is nice as pie - all very friendly etc. No actual contact as I had a houseful but when he leaves I text to ask how his evening went....... and he says "lots of compromising agreed, I'll ring you later...." WTF does that mean. I am over it tbh - was not that involved anyway but I do feel angry as he knew it was quite a leap of faith for me to even let my guard down a little. Maybe I wasn;t offering enough in teh way of commitment?!?!?1

Sounds to me like it's back on with his ex.

Please don't start second-guessing yourself. You were taking it gently, quite rightly - and just as well as he was keeping his options open with the two of you the whole time. I doubt very much you being full-on with him would have done anything but get yourself badly hurt.

kodachrome - even if he isn't back on with his ex it is most definitely OFF for me! I do not need a relationship with a man right now and I certainly don't need to be chosen out of two!!!! Plus, like I said, I have other options...