How?

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

I really can't carry on this marriage any more. Dh has slowly turned into a horrible person that I just can't stand to be around an more. There just seems to be some thing else every day. I have been considering leaving him since before xmas over some issues I have with the way he has been behaving lately, in this thread, but it is getting worse.
What I didn't put in that thread was that I have an older son, aged 19, who left to live with his father just before his 15th birthday, lot's of reasons but basically he got in with a bad crowd, kept running away, got into drugs and what with the younger 2 boys problems I just couldn't take any more. That didn't work as ds got a lot worse as his dad just let him run wild so got into a lot of trouble and now has an ASBO, and is living with my dad, he now want's ds out. He has improved a lot but is still not great, I am trying to help him find a flat, he is going to college and seems a lot more leveled than he was even 12 months ago. None of this is good enough for dh, he shouldn't be doing a joinery course, he should be doing his GCSE's, then A levels, ds is naturally clever but not in the slightest bit academic, to me the fact he has stuck at any course for a whole term under his own steam is great and the one he is doing he enjoy's and will give him a skill for life, maybe not the future I had planned or that he is capable of, but a future at least.
DH says he doesn't care what happens with DS, but never stops telling me what I need to do, how I need to do it and if I don't, what a stupid thick bh I am and that every thing will fall apart and ds will end up in jail. And I mean never stops, right up until he went to bed last night and within 20 mins of getting up today, I say today because he is now not even getting out of bed until past midday.
Yesterday my DM called round as she has got a mattress cover for ds2, when she was here he told us both that he had a spring sticking out of his mattress, which he not mentioned before, so I said I would look into sorting it, how I didn't have a clue. Today DM rings to say she had picked up ds2 a new mattress in the sales, a good one for £50, as she said it wasn't a lot to her but would be to us, and could she bring it down as it was in her boot. DH went mad 'who the hell does she think she is buying that, I don't want her fing money! Tell her to foff!', I just said no, went up stairs to remove the old mattress as she said she would take it to the tip, to discover that there where infact 3 springs coming through the fabric, all with very sharp edges, when I brought it down I showed DH who turned and said 'So fing what, if he needs a new one I will buy it, and walked away. When my mum got here, he completely ignored her and me. He hasn't spoken to me since.
There is also the running theme from the other thread, he turned down a 3 week job yesterday because it was 'too much hassle' but has spent the last 7 out of 8 nights in the pub. Yesterday I asked him if there any chance he could give me some money as I only had £2 in the bank, a £5 direct debit coming out tomorrow, £20 in my purse and both the gas and electric are about to go. Tough shit was the reply, 'I haven't got any, ask your mother!' then proceed to get dressed and go to the pub!
Sorry this is so long, just needed to get it all down, there is more but I would be here all night, I am crying just writing this much.
My problem is I just don't know how to get him to go. I need to stay here as the boys need routine and their home. Thing is I know it will get nasty, every time we have a big argument he gets quite aggressive, that is when I tend to back down, which I really don't want to do, I need not to do! How do I get him to leave?

[pictish]

God - what can I say except that you need to pack his bags for him and sling his sorry carcass out the door. He sounds just awful!!

[1Catherine1]

How dare he be so proud when he such a lazy arse!

Really have nothing helpful to say but hate to read and run. How are you expecting him to react if you tell him to leave?

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

pictish he has never been an easy man to live with but never this bad, till about 4-5 months ago.
1catherine1 I know he will go berserk!(sp) I have said it before, and he just says why should he, if it wasn't for him we would be homeless because I nearly lost the house. Fact is 3 years ago we had financial problems, a high mortgage and we got into arrears, which according to him is my fault because I am responsible for paying the bills and should have made sure that it was paid , how the hell do I pay a mortgage of nearly £1000 when there is no money coming in, at the time I was feeding a family of 4 on £20-30 a week!
I am still responsible for paying everything with no money off him, everything is up to date but he insists on throwing that in my face every opportunity he gets, as well as other things.

[lisaro]

Can I just say that your DS1 seems to have sorted himself out and is doing really well! Also, he's better off doing what HE wants to do, so good luck to him! Your husbands sounds like a complete arse. I would suggest seeing a solicitor.

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

Thanks lisaro that is how I feel. I am going to speak to me mum tomorrow, her friend is a solicitor and I think she got a clue about what is going on when she was here today.

[LineRunner]

So sorry, keepingup.

Well, there is the option of sitting him down and telling him 'This marriage is ending whether you like it or not, so please find yourself somewhere else to live'. You might find a solicitor who will give you at least an initial consultation for free, and arrange service of divorce papers if your husband doesn't believe you. If he will voluntarily leave it will save both of your a lot of money and grief regarding possible legal fees - but ask a solicitor about that.

In fact it might be helpful to post in legal about specific issues.

He sounds awful, but even he must surely realise you will be allowed to stay in the house with your DC, not him. (You may eventually need to sell it and downsize a bit, but that's a way off.)

Are you ok?

[LineRunner]

Glad you can speak to a solicitor informally tomorrow.

[lisaro]

Hope you get the help you need from the solicitor, Keeping.

[suburbophobe]

Oh god, he sounds just vile.

The sooner you are out of it the better for you and your DCs.

Just go for it, all the best!

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

Thanks for the advice line runner, I will be fine, just need to get him out.

[LineRunner]

I'm glad you're ok. Get some sleep and have your questions ready for tomorrow for your solicitor friend. Get as much free advice as possible; and try to get a referral on to someone else who will be free or pro bono at least for a while.

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

I read your other thread and he sounds horrible. Glad to hear you're getting rid of him.
You may not be able to see how right now but you will manage and you'll be so much happier and better off financially and psychologically once he's gone.

[mummytime]

You can talk to women's aid. If you are worried about him becoming agressive, I would warn the police that you are going to tell him to go and that you are worried about violence. Then have a way to call them very quickly if he kicks off. Ideally you would get the kids out of the way, and have someone to support you.
He sounds like a waste of space. Your DS seems to be picking himself up, he can do GCSE etc. later if he wants. As someone with more than one degree, I often say that my school should have advised me to train as a plumber for a good family friendly career.

[NettleTea]

I would second speaking to WA, and possibly notify police that you are going to ask him to leave and are afraid he will kick off.

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

Going to see the solicitor next week, tried to tell him today but he wouldn't listen. I just got too upset, I have decided to see the solicitor before making another move.

[solidgoldbrass]

You can get rid of this parasite. I second the advice about letting the police know you are worried about him becoming aggressive when you tell him to leave because he has been aggressive in the past. The solicitor will be able to advise you as well. Good luck.

[mike1May]

The guy's out of work and in a rut. He's up to his eyeballs in debt and probably depressed. What you've described are relatively minor issues: no bigger than many people deal with as part of the ups and downs of married life.

Yet plenty on here are calling for you to go running to the divorce courts, irrespective of any possible harm it may do to the kids; irrespective of any deep knowledge of you or your status. Ignore them. Only you know what's right for you and your family.

[solidgoldbrass]

Mike: so she should just carry on putting up with his abuse and aggression and refusal to make any positive contribution to the household? Why, exactly?

[Flanelle]

7/8 nights in the pub and pleading poverty? Aggressive and bullying over money, kids, everything? Making NO effort to work or sort himself out? He's lucky if she helps him pack.