To be totally pissed off with DH! Sorry long!

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

Sorry in advance for any spelling mistakes, I'm dyslexic and bloody annoyed.

Dh can be hard work at times but the last few months have just been a joke and I think I have had enough. 2 years ago we split up and I moved out but he became the perfect husband and persuaded me to come back but thing have just gone down hill
He is a self employed plasterer, works for small firms, does private jobs in peoples house, that sort of thing. He bought the dc's main Christmas presents the beginning of October as he had been working well and had the cash (end of november, december are usually quiet, work wise), he hasn't worked since, hasn't even tried, I have heard him take phone calls for jobs and heard him say 'sorry can't do anything at the moment, I'm mad busy till Christmas'
He never contributes anything towards Christmas, bar the dc's main presents. I buy for IL's, his 6 DN's, my DM, DF, DN and buy all the food, drink, extras for the boys, clothes, pretty much everything.
A few weeks ago he applied for carers allowance as both our ds's have sn. I receive it for ds2 who is more severe than ds1, so he decided to claim for ds1 and claim the full 12 weeks back pay, totalling a payment of £850ish and kept it all to himself, his Christmas money!
Since being out of work he has done nothing for the boys, stays in bed till 10am minimum, and moans at me that things around the house haven't been done, even though I do 2 volunteer jobs and he has been sitting on his bum all day watching TV. Last week he informed me he was going out this Friday for his Christmas night out, WTF! He will also be going out Saturday, I know he means he will be out from about noon till whenever he rolls in. I decided to plan Friday and Saturday out so I could get everything done, food shopping, picking up ds's presents from DM's house, delivering DN's Christmas presents. All planned for when I knew he would be here, or when ds2 is with his paid carer.
I told him 3 days ago I was going to go food shopping at around 6am friday, for several reasons, it would be quiet, they should have plenty on the shelves and TC will be in the bank. Today he went to see IL's coming back at about 4pm to tell me he was taking FIL to a hospital appointment for 9.30 in the morning, I replied OK I should have been back from shopping for a while by 9am, he went mental! How dare I even think of going shopping when he was taking FIL to the hospital even when I had planned to go 3 hours before he needed to leave. He has insulted me , my parents calling me names till I went out at 5pm, getting back at 7pm to be told what a selfish bitch I was and to be ignored for the rest of the night.
This has messed up all my plans, it's going to cost more as we need some food for tomorrow so I will have to go local.
I am seriously thinking of calling it a day. It is not only affecting me but also ds1 who DH has no problem talking to me like dirt in front of.

Don't blame you op. He sounds like a total passenger.

No one ought to live like this, OP

He doesn't sound like much of a husband.

I must admit I have been looking at rightmove for rental properties just lately but I don't see why I should be the one to move out. Every time we argue he brings up that I left him I should go again. He also says that if I do I am not taking his kids with me, which is a joke as he hasn't got a clue on what to do with them, ds2 has to have me to do everything, he can't cope if it's not me who gets him ready in the mornings and sees him onto his bus for school. Dh tried it once about 6 months ago and ds went crazy, screamed for me so he now refused to try again.

This sounds serious, OP Citizens Advice would probably be your best bet. Good luck

Heck no YANBU at all :(

Thank you for your replies. I think I will go and see CAB in the new year.
I don't know why but I am feeling really guilty at the moment, DM gave me a Christmas card from DSF today which I knew contained £100, he does it every year, DH wasn't around so I have hidden it, decided it's my Christmas present not his and I know he will want half as he does every year, but he is not getting it.

Carers allowance is for carers not go out whenever you like and make your wife do everything...ers.

So basically he gets that money for nothing. (I know it's not loads but still it's the principle, if he's a paid 'carer' surely he should be caring)

Don't you have to be a carer for over a certain amount of hours a week, I've forgotten how many as I care pretty much all through the night so want relevant for me. If he doesn't do those hours tell him you'll have the money, thanks

I don't know what happened to my writing. I've had about 1 hours sleep. Sorry

YANBU he sounds like a waste of space. It is like having another child but worse as he uses the family money on his social life and he isn't getting a job when he could be. I can't believe he turned down jobs. Lots of people would like to be in the position of being offered paid work.

Being rude to you on top of all this is beyond belief. What a nasty lazy man.

What a vile shit he sounds. You sound as if you have enough on your plate caring for your two boys without having to "care" for him too. What on earth is the point of staying with someone like this who hinders more than helps, and is appallingly lazy, greedy and entitled to boot. Spending that carer's allowance on his Xmas jollies is just sickening .... I always naiively imagined that the (paltry) carer's allowance was a benefit in lieu of wages because caring responsibilities usually meant that carers couldn't also manage a job. If, for some unearthly reason, that money really is "spare" and isn't needed for all the things that wages are normally spent on .... like food, bills and home maintenance, then it should have been spent in some way which would benefit the whole family and/or the boys in particular ..... but I very much doubt it's "spare" at all. What he's done is foul ..... and to harangue you the way he did over your shopping plans is disgusting. This isn't a man you have .... it's a very nasty piece of work who thinks only of himself. The only interest he has in you and the boys is what you can do for him and what he can get out of you. Why the hell for example, would he expect half of the present your Mum gives to you ..... whilst calling her names ?

You'd be far better off without him. I'm sure that's daunting because of your boys' needs, but ask yourself what he contributes ? ... sounds like nothing, sounds like he just takes, takes, takes. The level of arrogance here is quite astounding ..... YOU have to pay to ensure HE has a good Xmas ..... WHY for FFS ??!! Meanwhile, he's turning down work and in effect defrauding his son/family to fund his social life. No-one deserves to live like this .... I'd be looking to get rid one way or another asap, definitely seek legal advice ... and in the meantime, don't give him a bloody inch. If you've bought drink for him, take it back .... simple, you couldn't afford to buy any etc etc. And the same goes for anything else you can get away with .... by rights he should be getting beans on toast for Xmas dinner but realistically I can see that that might provoke a huge row which wouldn't be good for the kids - not that he wouldn't deserve it .... but you know, any other "treats" you've got for him, well, fuck him, he can go whistle. It's sadly not unusual to read about selfish lazy cocklodgers here on MN but yours has made me particularly angry .... just can't believe he'd use his own child's disabilities to his own advantage .... he just doesn't give a shit does he.

You could make a call even today to a solicitor family specialists, who give the first 30 to 6 minutes free and pick their brains. I'd be looking at Occupation Orders for kick offs to get him out of the house and for you to stay in it as your need is greater to look after your sons.

What a twat, am on your behalf. Agree that you would be better off without him. Keep that £100 to yourself and anything else you can scrape together. Why did you get back together after splitting up last time?

Shutup I have no idea anymore, I have control of all the family money apart from his CA as I pay everything too. catsmother you are so right, he actually makes things a whole lot worse, thing is he doesn't see ds1 as having a problem either, he is the first to justify ignorance towards his condition, ds1 has severe adhd, odd and social communication problems. You are right about CA, it is supposed to be in leiu of wages, in his case he is using it as an excuse not to earn 'if he earns more than £100 a week he will lose it'.
I have decided to try and keep things as normal as possible over the holiday's for the boys sake, mainly because as I say he has no problem arguing and insulting me in front of them.

You poor thing .... your post has been on my mind all morning. I kind of guessed you'd want to keep things reasonably calm over the holiday for your boys' sake .. most women would (unless they were in actual danger) but I'm seething on your behalf because this lazy article knows damn well you want them to have a nice Xmas and therefore takes the piss big style knowing you won't have a go at him too much in case the ensuing arguments/atmosphere spoils things for them. Maybe you just have to focus on Xmas 2012 ... when, hopefully (???), you'll have kicked him into touch, and are able to concentrate on spending what you have as you wish on people who actually deserve to be treated - which he doesn't.

Forgive my ignorance about the way CA works, but was there any reason you couldn't also apply for CA for DS1 ? After all, you're the one doing the actual caring I take it ? If so ... and he's not actually needed at home (and, regardless, of whether he's needed or not doesn't sound as if he's stepping up anyway), then a real man would be accepting all the work he could to maximise the family income. Clearly, in the circumstances, he sees CA as his bloody pocket money, and as an excuse to be lazy ... but more than that, any caring responsible parent, whatever the source of their income, would see that it went, first of all, into the household pot, and only after all essentials had been paid, would there be any question of personal spends. Am quite sure that you haven't managed to siphon off £800-ish for your personal Xmas fund .... and that's an effing joke as he barely contributes to Xmas at all. Why does he feel so much more entitled to this than you, or than his own kids ? Makes me very sick on your behalf, and also very angry on a wider scale, as he's effectively claiming benefits fraudulently. Clearly, if it's been awarded on the basis of DS1's special needs, then DS1's genuine need for a carer has been officially recognised and there's nothing wrong with that of course .... but HE doesn't seem to be doing any bloody caring !!! Is there no way you can call the benefits people and get this switched into your name ?

You and your boys deserve so much better - anyone would. And I know this is childish, but in your position, having to surpress all this hugely justified resentment and anger for the moment, I would not be able to stop myself spitting in his food, wiping his toothbrush round the loo - that sort of thing. I know that sounds bad but otherwise I couldn't bear looking at the smug, self satisfied bastard sitting there at mine and my kids' expense ... it would just go some tiny way towards bringing him down a peg or two even if he didn't know about it.

I don't suppose you could go to your Mum's for Xmas, and leave him to it ?

YANBU, he sounds like a waste of space. DO NOT share your £100 - use it for YOU!

First take back his families gifts and let him buy them or tell him he owes you x amount, then I would leave him. If he tried insulting you again I woudl tell him that if he makes one more word you will report him for taking the carers allowance and not caring for DS, and then he can pay back the money.
Seriously after christmas I would seriously consider leaving him, why let him use his children as an excuse to lie in bed all day.
How is he going to stop you asking the children anyway. he would have to go through the court, and there is a good chance that might mean getting off his backside and working. Also if he uses debit cards, it will be easy to see he spent that money on himself not household costs.

Thank you for your reply catsmother. I can only claim 1 lot of CA so not an option. I will be concentrating on next year, going to get the holidays over with then go for broke, so to speak. Going to my mums isn't an option to be honest, also it would upset the boys routines which would not be a good idea. Bumble I have kept it, I have bought myself a Kindle and decided if he ask I am going to say DSD bought instead of giving me the money because he wanted me to have a present and knew I wanted one.

Kelly All I need is our joint account statement to show he makes no contribution to the household. That's an easy one to be honest! We both have our own separate accounts, I don't use mine but that is where he has his CA going in, everything else goes though the joint account which he doesn't use.

His £850 carers' allowance is his "Christmas money". Really makes you feel fucking chuffed to be paying so much tax. I'm ecstatic to be working like a mug so that your DH can go and piss it all up the wall in the pub

And OP - I'd kick him to the kerb if I were you, he sounds like a charmer.

Once he's gone, lock the door and leave the key in. You don't need that kind of shit in your life. After Christmas make sure you shop him for benefit fraud. Invoice him for the cost of the presents, half the household utility bills etc - threaten to take him to court if necessary. He'll soon start claiming JSA etc once he doesn't have you to cocklodge with so you'll get something regular via the CSA eventually.

PS didn't I have you on fb for a while? I did a massive cull and may have ditched a few too many people...

Oh Keepingup .... that's such a shame about the CA. Might have guessed that however many people you need to care for, you'd only be entitled to claim one allowance. Suppose the powers that be reckon that if you're not working (in a waged job that is) that you "only" lose one wage, and can therefore see why he can apply for the second allowance on the pretence he does any caring. But what an effing mockery ... when you are doing the actual caring that gets him that money. If he's going to spend it all on himself, then presumably it'd make no difference whatsoever to your household if he didn't receive it ..... I'd bloody report him to stop his "nice little earner", except how do you prove a so-called carer isn't doing any caring ?

Hope you can manage some semblance of a good Xmas, for both yours and your boys' sake. And I hope he chokes on his. Can't believe what a selfish nasty user he is.

why does someone get paid carers allowance, and still get the services of a paid carer?

just asking cos that seems a bit OTT

Respite, dampanddrizzly. No other job requires you to work 24 hours per day seven days a week including bank holidays with no breaks and no holiday. Most people are expected to be pathetically grateful for the two hours a week the government deigns to offer