It?s a work thing.
I can't remember ever feeling like this before
This was my dream job and one little shit has ruined it all, and sadly I seem to be the only one who can see the manoeuvring and game playing, thought I think one or two are starting to wake up to it a little.
Because our team was always so supportive of each other they can't see that LS (Little Shit) isn't been supportive and helpful, they're shit stirring. LS is actually very very good at it, very subtle, I have had a year of constantly been undermined, making comments about how difficult life is for me, generally spreading the idea that I am incompetent.
Comments like 'well she's having such a bad time at the moment, you can't expect her to be working at 100%' but never saying what it is I've done wrong or not done?
I?m actually being gas-lighted by this person.
There has only been one incident that I can point to without looking like I?m paranoid. A comment made in an email about how they'll have to chase me up for my feedback again, done in a jokey tone but sent to the whole department. This one only stands up as I had commented to my line manager in my 1-2-1 that I needed to speak to LS as I had not received the above info and as I knew that timelines were tight I needed to chase it up. Put down to an accident on LS side and a word had about keeping dept wide emails professional.
Asking them a question, going with the answer and been told the next day etc that I was wrong, I should have asked, or that I misunderstood.
And then again this week.
It's hard to explain but while LS doesn't have any line manager authority, they do have QC authority over about 10% of my job. Normal practice is to meet and discuss issues/problems, upcoming events.
Due to have one of these meetings last week they contacted me via IM and asked if we could cancel it as it clashed with another meeting they had. No skin off my nose said fine, they asked me to rearrange.
(Was working from home on this day).
Go in to office the next day to concern from manager that I'm finding my work load too much as LS has been trying to arrange a meeting with me, but I'm soo busy I keep cancelling and rearranging. Of course the conversation was done by IM so no easily retrievable record. And I was the helpful prat who cancelled and rearranged the meeting
(Am now keeping a record of all IM conversations with this person, which
does actually make me look paranoid).
I keep getting random comments/ questions from people both in my team and in the dept asking how I am and how am I coping etc. That LS has said how brave I'm being how well I'm coping etc etc.
Again as my colleagues are generally a great bunch of people they are actually concerned for me, they are being sincere. The thing is there is nothing wrong with me or my life (no more so that anyone else's, admittedly I wouldn't turn down a lottery windfall 
)
I have had a lot happen this year ill health for both OH and me, but in my case my ill health resulted in surgery that has made my life and health 100% better. And for OH it was discovered that he had a serious cardiac condition, that was picked up by chance, he too has had surgery and will be on meds for the rest of his life but we see this as a VERY VERY good thing, not that he was ill but that it was caught so early, while he was young/fit and not too much hidden damage had been done and that the rest of his family could be screened. I mean he's back training for the marathon FFS
I've not made a big song and dance about it, just got on as is my norm. (So the more I say I'm fine, no issues, no problems, the more I'm seen as 'Brave')
People know about OH as he knows people I work with social, independently from me, so they knew that he had been in and out of hospital.
I have not missed one deadline, slacked off on any work, in fact have taken on new projects but this constant chipping is starting to take effect.
I?m also slowly being isolated socially, as a team we go out about every 2 months, a date is picked and we go for a meal, bowling etc. It is assumed that not everyone will make every night people have lives. For the last year since LS started to arrange these nights every single one has been on a day I cannot attend, once, twice even 3 times I can see as coincidental, but 7 in a row? (Been told today that it has been commented on, but that LS had played the line that I wasn't happy to leave OH alone at night. And really I didn't want to talk about it, wasn't I sooo brave)
In fact I was starting to wonder if I was being paranoid until recently. I met someone who had worked with LS before and they have form. (OH and I work in same industry, this was someone OH knew, didn't realise that I was working directly with LS. LS had done the same in previous job; in that case LS's 'victim' had a nervous breakdown, and all the little digs etc only came out after LS left.
Because none of this is head on I really don't know what to do. But this is affecting my work reputation I need to address it without seeming either paranoid or aggressive, either of which would play in to LS's hands
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Relationships
Work related (very long. . .
SmellslikeDEMONcatspee · 31/10/2011 19:15
Sorry, just realised I've referred to LS as 'she' in my post, but you haven't been specific about gender 
.
OP, I could have written your post almost word for word. I work with a woman exactly like this. She's absolutely poisonous but it seems like no one else can see it. She's driven me to a couple of meltdowns in the past (then telling people I was worked up over nothing 
) but I feel I've got her under control for now. there's no magic wand but I'd recommend the following:
- Only deal with her in writing, as suggested above.
- Confide in one or 2 people about how she's treating you, if you can. It helps you feel more confident in dealing with it if you feel supported.
- Call her, publically, on any outright lies. You don't have to be aggressive, you can make it jokey if necessary. Smile sweetly as she backs down and admits her 'mistake'. People will notice.
- Disentangle yourself as much as you possibly can. Is there someone else who can deal with the QC you mention? Do whatever it takes to sort that out.
- Befriend her line manager.
- Patronise her right back. Any little sign of weakness, any mistake, any admission of feeling stressed, be there with a pointed comment to make her feel small. (I'm not proud of this, btw, but I class it as 'counter-bullying'- it's taken me years to get up the confidence but by God she's earned it. What goes around comes around.)
- Finally, don't skim over the little comments. When another colleague passes on something she's said, dispute it. Depending on your relationship with that person, point out how patronising she is, mention that she doesn't know you well if she thinks you're struggling or simply point out that she's been making snidey comments for ages and they should ignore her.
You will find that other people feel the same way about her, you know. She's just clever about it...bullies always are. Be confident in yourself and remember that she's a pathetic little weasel who has to put others down to feel good about herself. She'll get hers.
Good luck.
Excellent advice from abbierhodes!! 
Have had too many run-ins with passive-agressive female bosses at work, and my career has suffered big-time.
I SO hate saying that, as an old-fashioned 70s feminist, but 'tis true 
Stop being the nice, fair, reasonable guy. You will be shat on.
Annie, thanks I have just downloaded that, looking forward to reading it tonight
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