MY DH Is Sooooooooooooo Like Second Coming's DH - what to do?

[Highlander]

I've posted on here before (can't find thread I started) and basically my DH sounds like TSC's twin. I call him 'fun dad', as he's great at the fun stuff with the kids, but is off on another planet when it comes to prioritising family over his personal needs/ambitions etc.

Our major complication is that SIL will probably die from cancer this year, and FIL is in a nursing home with dementia. Now that SIL is dying , he is in regular txting contact with her (she's out a LOT and you can never get her at home).

On my pervious thread, opinions seemed a bit polar - "he's a wanker - LEAVE HIM!", to me being targeted as an SAHM martyr - micromanaging him too much;interfering in his family life etc.

I've gone away and thought abuot stuff a bit, chatted a bit with DH ans changed some stuff in my life:

1. I'm a bit unemployable (SAHM 5 years), so I've arranged a years P/T work experinece in my field, at pretty much my old grade. It fits in around DS2's (free) playgroup hours and I've forced DH to take the Friday afternoon off that he's supposed to (employers cannot affored his diaried hours so he gets time off instead, although he's never taken it .

1. I occasionally ask how SIL and the IL's are doing, but I never hassle him about contact.

1. I still do all the housework, but I don't do DH's ironing (not that it was much, he weras a uniform at work most days).

Being back at work is helping - I can see that there is the worry of what people think when you are P/T and take additional time off when you are sick or the kids are sick.

The kids are at an age now (Yr 1 and pre-school) where life has finally reached an even keel - I think the worst of the early years are over. God, I hated it.

I definitely don't want to leave DH, but I'm so emotionally shut down (= shutting him out) that I do see he's, well, shut out.

When we talked about this (and it has taken MONTHS to get this far),I can see that I have been hurt so badly by his repeated selfishness that I'm shutting him out to avoid feeling so hurt again. He admitted last week that his previous actions were deplorable - but I have spent months trying to get him to walk a mile in my shoes. The scenario was that I would tell him how hurt I was, and he would retort that I was 'twisting/manipulating' things. I felt that because I couldn't see the situation his way then I was obviously wrong. I don't think DH is being deliberately mean; I think in his head if he admits he hurt me, then that is an action he finds very hard to live with so he denies there is any hurt in the first place (ooh, my pop psychology )

I'm finding it all really oppressive. if anything nice happens ( a meal etc) then DH will be verbally OTT (oh that was nice, was it nice, see? we can have fun, when are we doing it again, let's plan to go out next week, shall I book it now.......... he goes onandonandonandon......... Coupled with being all over me. Too much.

If I go out with my girlfriends then he gets all huffy because we 'never' go out. We do, but I like to be home by 11pm just in case DS2 (who's started night-training himself) needs a wee. DH also gets a bit obnoxious when pissed and has a tendancy to go on and on about work. He never plans to go out with his mates.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm just not a coherent poster on MN. It's probably not making much sense.

discreet bump.

Didn't want to leave you unanswered although to be honest I'm not sure what I can say to help.

It sounds like you have both got a lot on your plate with all the family issues and I have found that resolving deeply ingrained relationship patterns takes almost as long as the patterns took to form (iykwim!)

You are obviously very aware of how your behaviour feeds into the problem so I would give yourself a break and just take a deep breath.

You are doing your best and it will take time to change your reactions to his behaviour, I think paitence is needed from all sides.

Good Luck

you star

it all feels a bit trivial compared to other stuff in this section. I feel a bit embarrassed asking for help TBH.

i don't want to knock you while you're down but i don't think it's on to compare your dh to TSC's in your post and title.

I hope you get some useful advice on here but think it would be more erm, tasteful to do it without taking tsc's name in vain.

what's TSC?

I wish you the best of luck. You're a far bigger person than I am, because I'd be looking at that work placement with an eye to going back FT paid so I could leave.

Because someone this immature, passive aggro and adolescent would drive me insane and I'd rather be on my own than have to put up with that, the peace and lack of hassle would be worth it to me.

Good luck from me too. Actually, it's quite refreshing to hear of a relationship that sounds irritating but potentially fixable! So many posts on here just have DOOMED written all through them...

cake androses - no offence intended, just using TSC to highlight the remarkable similiarities, without repeating everything, IYSWIM.

hi expat. Well, that was been at the back of my mind, but I actually just feel stronger and more independant. Sounds a bit awful, but I feel that there's more parity when I'm working.

I just wish he would grow up, I wish it was all sorted. From a selfish point of view, I feel that I make all the effort and big compromises. I can't let go of all the wanky things he's done in the past because I'm so frightened of him doing it again - and next time I'm more in a position to walk. So now I'm hyper alert for situations where DH might let me down and I make sure they just don't happen. I soooooooooooo want to stop micro-managing him

eg I nag him every morning to lock the back door. Which he never does. So I have to check, which enrages me. Then he gets mad because I nag him. Taking fown Crimbo tree, thinking of year ahead - I WILL NOT micro-manage DH in 2011. Look for patio door key to chuck Crimbo tree out the back - hey presto the fucking door has been unlocked since the middle of Decemeber when DH brought the tree in. I was soo angry, I couldn't be angry. I just cried to myself. 2 days later I hissed at him about it. There#s a lot of petty break-ins in out area at dusk.

It sounds like you do micro manage him. And patronise him and nag him pitilessly.

And why in the name of Gordon, do you have to get back at 11pm so your son can do a wee?!

Maybe he's a useless tosser, maybe he's not... but having a go at him for never arranging nights out then complaining that he's too enthusiastic when he does...fucking hell.

My husband used to leave the back door unlocked, drove me crazy so I totally understand. So I made sure I checked it myself every night. You can see it as willful selfishness or you can see it as a blind spot.

highland i have to agree with cakes its not on to use tsc's name in your thread name and tbh the only similarity is that both dp's have messed up.

Fwiw i think both you and dp are under a lot of pressure. Have you spoken about whats going on? From what you've said the work has made you more independant and maybe a bit resentful of him. Maybe you have outgrown him.

Clearly I meant maybe your husband's a useless tosser, not your son! V bad structure, sorry.

I havent read any of your previous threads but cant see what the issue is from your OP?

Are you cross that DP is more often in contact (by text as that is more convenient to her) now she is dying? Surely thats a good thing?

Can see door locking thing is annoying

But other stuff - him being pleased when you go out together and offering to arrange for next time etc, sound good too.

You insisting on being home by 11pm in case DS needs a wee is a bit odd. Do you do that on the nights you are out with your friends too or just the ones with DP?

The work stuff all sounds great though, good to get work experience and fab that it can fit around pre school and DPs afternoon off work on a Fri

I gave up a good job to move to the same city as him. He said later that I didn't really have a career so of course it should be me that moved. I should have stayed. I should have shown myself more respect, especially as I assumed that we would live together, he assumed we wouldn't as his parents disapproved of that sort of thing. I moved in, insisted on paying him rent but the condition was that I had to pretend to his folks that I didn't live there. I went along with it - should have told him where to stick it, showed myself no respect.

he was going to ask me to marry him on a holiday, but apparently I was in such a bad mood that he didn't. Told everyone though, and expected me to laugh about it. He consulted his friend first, proposed to me on Crimbo morning in his folks house (how romantic, NOT). How would he have felt if I'd said, 'let me think about it and consult my friends first'. When I said this to him last week, he accused me of "twisting" things.

I was shocked last week when he said he was horrified that I wanted to have a termination when I found out I was pregnant with DS1. I felt lonely, unsupported and I knew that if I had a TOP he would have divorced me. So I went ahead with the prenancy. Last week he admitted out loud that he would have divorced me. At the time, he was o/seas and didn't come home to support me ( I was moving out to be with him in another 2 months).

After DS1 was born, he was 5 days old when DH whisked him off to get his photo for his passport. He was colicky, I was really struggling, DH was making me feel bad because I just wanted him home to help me and then........ at 8 weeks old he insisted on flying us all back to the UK. I begged him not to make me go. In my mind, all the relatives should have come to us if they wanted to see DS. Last week he said he was so worried about me not coping at that time (he booked the tickets when DS was 3 weeks old , he was on the phone to my sister a lot and he felt a "quick" trip home would sort me out. He never asked me what I wanted, how I felt - just by-passed me in what I see as a paternalistic how-could-I-possibly-know-what-I-wanted way.

I really struggle to get passed this. I'm an adult, a lot of this happened at least 5 years ago, but it still hurts.

got to go out, will be back in 30 mins or so

use teenage babysitter - so need to be home when I'm out with DH to do the wee thing. DS is mental if it's a stranger - he's only little. DS1 is totally fine

I want DH to go out with his own friends and not rely on me for his social life. I encourage him. It's wierd that he never sees anyone else on his own

When he goes on about arranging another night out, it's all the way home on the train, he follows me around when we're home, it's white noise in my head. I would like like him not to be so emotionally oppressive - " that was nice, when you fancy another night out, let me know and I'll sort it" Not the constant, oppressive going on about it.

DH doesn't do housework. Or rather he'll see me doing something then jump in and say, "I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it". I'm usually on it and reply, "cheers, but I'm OK". He'll often then physically shove me out of the way and demand that he takes over. I hate that - it's the oppressive behaviour. It's like he cannot actively listen and respect what I'm saying.

Glad you're sorted TSC . Sorry for name-jacking.

I'm not that bothered about the housework, if I'm honest. He is a slob; even his mates said so before we got married, which kind of me. He was brought up never to lift a finger by his v old-fashioned parents, sister and live-in aunt.

I don't think I do love him, becasue I don't feel he respects me and I think everything I've posted to day points to that. Because I don't feel he has any respect for me, he kind of repulses me and I that makes me full of self-loathing, as a person and as a mum. I look at my boys and think that I'm just generating probelems with them as well

I hate it when we go out and it's all about him. His persona is wrapped up with his career (I know, lots of blokes are a bit like that) and that is all he's interested in talking about. He does tend to be a wee bit obnoxious when drunk as well. So I listen to him all night then we get home and he expects a shag as a nightcap. I just feel so repulsed - if he's not interested in what I have to say,should he be so put out that I don't put out?

He denies all this of course.

I think you don't love yourself. That's why you did what you did and felt like you did.

But now, you are starting to reconnect with yourself. You are starting to be your own person and trying hard to love yourself, because if you can't do that, then you can't love anyone else.

And this is why these problems are coming to a head.

But he may or may not love the person you are. And you're right, respect is love.

So it's possible the two of you are not compatible.

But it's something you need to arrive at in your conscience because if you are not then it's something you'll have to live with. Or a conclusion you both need to arrive at together if he's willing to explore with you.

So in essence it boils down to would he be willing to go to counselling with you?

Because LeQueen's right, it shouldn't be this hard.

And, having been divorced after a 2-year battle to save our marriage (no kids) and lots of painful counselling, that's what it boiled down to: it should be this hard.

For now, I'd carry on with the placement but look to going back to work in a paid position.

AND, approaching counselling. If he won't go, then go on your own.

You deserve to be happy, Highlander, but only you can make yourself that way.

No matter how it shakes out, it's not the end of the world.

HTH.

crikey expat, you've made my bottom lip quiver

I just don't know WHY I put other people's lives before my own needs. I've never had the nerve to stand my ground and fight my corner (or even say, 'sorry that's not what I want right now')

how was the winter up there? can't remember where you are now, did you have access to Windy Wilson's Local Weather?! (an Auchterarder facebook thing, v funny)

Get to the bottom of why if you can, Highlander, because it's making you unhappy. People do what works, and this isn't working for you anymore, for whatever reason. That's not a crime.

And you know, you're not a bad person. You're not a criminal, some user, or that sort of thing. So you'll have to give yourself a break for having your own needs and finding them important, they don't sound like the crime of the century to me, they sound very normal: respect for what you do for a living, that you like to do, as a person, appreciation. Not exactly on par with Ian Huntly, so forgive yourself.

Once you do that you two can start working on whether or not this is best for both of you, to continue.

Again, it's not the end of the world if not and if it is then both of you need to be committed to working on it, with the help of a professional preferably.

But stop beating yourself up and being embarrassed about being a normal human being.

Yes, there are greater problems in the world, but these ones are yours.

The weather's shite here. When it's not, it makes you really appreciate beauty! :) That's what I like about here. I've never been one to take things for granted.