That NPD thing where they only ever "parrot" things and never say anything original

[BertieBotts]

Sorry for the confusing title! Does anyone know what I mean? Those with experience of NPD probably do. XP did it a lot - practically everything he ever came out with - opinion or declaration of love or some kind of statement to prove he liked/was interested in something - anything really - came from something he'd heard and he would often repeat the same phrase. E.g. watching Britain's got talent he'd repeat the same random piece of trivia about simon cowell every single week. About three times during the programme. And then get annoyed if you pointed out he'd said it before.

Anyway - a friend mentioned this week, and I noticed a while ago, that his girlfriend is exactly the same, on facebook (they are very, erm, public about their relationship) - I don't have him or her on facebook at all, but my friend does. I used to occasionally nose on his profile when we first split though and was half shocked, half amused to see him even "parroting" my phrases back to her!

Just made me wonder what on earth would happen if two narcissists were in a relationship with each other! Scary thought....

[MOSP]

I can't remember my ex doing that.

But he did (does) use really tacky phrases like "fruit of my loins". He probably thought that using such language made him sound really deep or intelligent.

[singledomisgood]

I know what you mean.

My recent ex was/is like that. On the few occasions Ive managed to get a word in when discussing (ie him yelling while i listen)something,a phrase ive used then comes out of his mouth a few days later! Said in such a way as if he just thought of it...

If its particularly profound (, then he will use it with other people.

Cant think of any examples at the moment but i find it incredible that he never seems to have any genuine thoughts or emotions of his own. Never known anyone so shallow as him

[proudfoot]

What does NPD mean?

[MOSP]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

[BertieBotts]

Lol MOSP. Sounds... sticky

That is exactly that, singledom. It's very disconcerting when you come across a person who does it, it's like they never have a single thought or opinion

[toomanystuffedbears]

My npd sister is too busy invalidating and dismissing whatever I say so she can prance and wave her superiority flag. She might hear the first ten words...

However, she does follow a script very often. She has a mental file of mini-lectures that (she thinks) are one size fits all that she can recall for seemingly any given situation. For her to parrot anything back would shock me that she'd actually listened.

Maybe the parroting is searching for a (new) script? Or it might be the answer to the embarrassment of repetition...sister doesn't seem to have that level of self-awareness.

Or do they think it is a slam dunk winner for acceptance to say it because someone else already said it so it must be ok?

Just guessing. It could be just plain rudeness, in a vampire sort of way. Sucking your intelligence out and presenting it as his own...I can't think of the word for that. But it stinks of a form of degradation/disrespect.

Two npds together? Isn't that represented by celebrity couples that just can't make that step to share the spotlight? Or sports stars: Chris Everet and Greg Norman come to mind. Neither would give up their home to move in with the other.

Sorry to ramble on so...Dora's Birthday is on now.

[Mumi]

They have a "repertoire" but never one that is original, or developed.

My ex used to learn long words purely to try to appear more intelligent than everyone else. He failed to understand both what they meant and also that this was all too apparent to those who did I also never knew he was even vaguely interested in algorithms until he showed me his job application.
His brothers and father were just the same. Hope I never see any of them again.

TMSB: "sucking your intelligence out and presenting it as his own" - spot on. Vampiric indeed.

[IfGraceAsks]

I've read some great articles about NPD pairings, and will try to find them if your thread's still going later :) Basically, I think they said that an 'introverted' Narc + and an 'extraverted' one can bond for life as they share their weirdness without stealing each other's thunder. (God help any kids they have!) Pairs of the same type have Grand Passion for as long as they're building a shared fantasy, but sooner or later one of them will break the rules & it all blows up.

Stuffed, showbiz columnists often note how, when 2 big stars get together, one of their careers will suddenly shrink and fade ... I guess there just isn't room for two stars in one Narc household!

Nutters.

While XN2 and I were splitting up, he went through a rapid series of total personality changes. I think his reason for doing the parrot/mirror thing is that, inside, he is a vacuum. There is no 'real him'. He copies other people's stuff because he genuinely doesn't know how to be a person all by himself.

[mathanxiety]

Oh yes, yes -- the long words ....

exH never used one short, pithy word where he could dazzle someone with three or four long ones. Result? He was impossible to understand. He's a lawyer, and even managed to befuddle judges he appeared before by the obscure language he thought was evidence of his brilliance.

Interestingly, although he heard words and somehow determined their meaning, he never learned to spell them. Example 'cottidien' = quotidian. ( = normal or everyday ... so why not say 'normal', or 'everyday'?)

Once, when he persuaded me to go on a marriage-saving weekend retreat where we were supposed to learn better ways to communicate with each other (by writing letters according to a set pattern) he included quotes in Greek in what he wrote to me. I don't read or understand Greek. That weekend was when I really understood that I was up against something completely irrational and fundamentally impossible to deal with. I think Sam Vaknin would call him a cerebral narcissist.

Another time, we went to a Bar Mitzvah and in the car on the way home he expressed a strong desire to study Judaism with a view to converting....

[shongololo]

here is no 'real him'. He copies other people's stuff because he genuinely doesn't know how to be a person all by himself.

This is my sister to a T. Not aword or idea comes out of her mouth that hasnt been planted there by another - usually my NPD mother. Who is a rascist old harridan.

[Gettingagrip]

This is so typical of an N. They cannot have an idea of their own, or set anything in motion that is not started by someone else.

They just do not have the cognitive capacity to do this.

My N-sibling and my ex-HN are two shining examples of this lack of original thought.

My sibling recently visiting my new house, which I got very cheaply and have totally refurbished ( a huge undertaking for me, both financially and mentally) ...' oh this will do me...how much was it?...tell me if there are any other houses like this around here...that one across the road would be perfect for me...tell me when it comes up for sale'...and so on...me, me ,me ,me ,me. 2 days later her own house is on the market. I ask her where she is moving to...she has no idea.

In 23 years together, and 20 of marriage , my ex-HN never initiated or suggested ANYTHING. Not once...it was all down to me. And if I did suggest something, he went along with it until the last minute, and then said no. Even trivial things were treated in this manner. This mind changing was the thing that most enraged me, and I could have stabbed him throught the heart with a rusty screwdriver when he did this.

Two Ns together? My parents. Not a recipe for success, and leads to one N offspring and one in psychotherapy and suicidal. (that's me by the way...I don't think I am an N....FAR to much self-awareness for that!).

[BertieBotts]

I do worry about their children. He knocked her up pretty much the first time they slept together, from what I can gather. They announced it on facebook when the pregnancy test was barely dry, saying "Isn't it great, we can be a proper family now!". They have just found out the sex and announced the name also on facebook. I won't be petty and repeat it, but they would get slaughtered if they posted it on Baby Names here... She insists that DS is her "stepson" and XP is "Daddy" to her toddler (Poor thing must be confused as hell :() They've only been together 4 or 5 months!

[BertieBotts]

math I am ning about your XP knowing long words but not how to spell them! I know it's a bit mean, but still...

[arfarfa]

I remember an old friend telling me how he found his ex-partners conversational behaviour peculiar. He said that she used to repeat back to him, or whoever else she was having a conversation with, what had just been said to her, but with the words in a slightly different order.
He used to call it 'Turbo Empathising'. He thought it was a standard female trait-I assured him it isn't!
It's interesting to read that it may be part of a bigger picture. I'm going to have a good google.

[Gettingagrip]

arfarfa....Ns cannot understand the context of conversations, so have to pick on a word or words they recognise and run with that as their reply. Hence, their replies are totally not about what you are actually telling them, but off at some weird tangent. The tangent , of course, is all about them, as everything is about them.

It's interesting to test them out now and again, as I do sometimes with my mother, just to make sure that I am correct about her,and not being a terrible daughter who has got it all wrong.

They never fail to pass the test, sadly.

They do not have the cognitive tools to enable them to 'get' context and affect. They can never learn, in normal ways that people learn, about social norms, and conversations.

They are wired up all wrong. And it's all about them.

[boogiewoogie]

So true Gettingagrip. Do you also find that when you have a conversation with an N that they seem to completely miss the point and reply with something illogical that has nothing to do with what you've just said?

I knew of such person who I thought was either socially inept (I mean really inept), stupid or simply refused to listen to my point of view and just focus the conversation on himself. this person seriously damaged my psychological health as I thought I was going nuts but ever since googling NPD, the penny dropped.

[arfarfa]

Gettingagrip-I'm probably on the wrong track with this. My friends ex didn't seem to have an opinion of her own, but agreed with whoever she was with at the time by regurgitating whatever they said. She tended/tends to always finish her relationships in the most incendiary fashion possible, and had a pretty awful upbringing inc self harming. Probably something, but not NPD.

[thisishowifeel]

"The problem with teachers is that they have no input valve"
=
All Narcs have no input valve.


"Fine words butter no parsnips".
=
Take no notice of anything I say....I'm a narc.

She didn't stab me, she threw a knife because she was pre menstrual=
She threw a knife at you because she'd had anough of your narcy weird shit!!!! ( not me...ex girlfriend) There's always form.

[thisishowifeel]

My first h did the long word thing, and mispronounced them but thewn tried to make out that he was being "individual"....never just plain old mistaken.

My "mother" regurgitates radio 4, as her own intellect.

[Gettingagrip]

They can miss the point in spectacular fashion in most conversations. They get things arse-about-face generally.

Coupled with their 'it's all about me' mentality, and the fact that they are always right, there is absolutely no point whatsoever in trying to get anything across to them.

When I speak to my mother or sibling, I have to plan exactly what I am going to say, to the point of writing it down so that it is in words of one syllable, and suitable for a 2 year old to understand. Even then , my mother cannot (won't?) understand anything I am telling her, and is getting dramatically worse as she gets more elderly. She really is morphing into a two year old.

My sibling is even worse as not only am I misunderstood, but most things end up with a huge tantrum and unpleasantness, as my sibling is a histrionic N. I restrict my dealings with them as much as possible.

My late father was the worst of all. You literally could not talk to him. He was closed off, nasty and violent. He used to say to my mother...'you are insane', and actually he was right about that! But he was too!!

Joanna Ashmum writes well about the cognitive deficits of Ns. It's very tiring dealing with them. And that's not to mention the days one has to spend in psychotherapy to save your own sanity.

There is evidence from scans that their brains are actually physically different to those who are not afflicted with this PD. And I believe that it is also genetically predisposing, from the evidence I have from my own family history.

On a personal level I also believe that there has to be one family member who is not PDed, as otherwise the family would be in chaos...someone has to keep them vaguely on the right track. They have no original thought, and cannot initiate anything, so life is very difficult for them, in all sorts of ways. The problem is that the non-N is driven literally mad by the Ns!

It's a conundrum to which I do not have the answer!

[Animation]

There's a very good forum on Yahoo called 'Adult Children of Narcissists'.

[singledomisgood]

Oh yes, boogie, re not listening to point of view!

My ex did the same. If I asked a simple question eg about his day (which always seemed to involve some drama and how other people he worked with were stupid because of something they did/said) and i then gave him a different point of view on the matter, I would get a stream of verbal abuse about how stupid I was for not understanding the issue. I got to the point of just agreeing with everything he said and throwing in the words he wanted to hear ie how amazing he was, how clever etc.

I thought I was going nuts too! And he convinced me I was a control freak, thick, and being with me was such hard work because he was "up there" while i was on a much lower level!!

It was only by posting on here that someone suggested NPD and I realised he had about 95% of the traits!

And apparently now he is receiving therapy (if its true )to analyse why all his major relatioships have been with mad women! Yet another chance to talk about his favourite subject : himself.

[Gettingagrip]

lol @ thisishowIfeel

arfarfa...the definition of a PD is that there are noted personality traits that can be described, and fit into certain defined groups, and which are present and unchanging throughout the persons life.

In other words, in general they don't/can't change. It sounds like with that sort of childhood and background there will be some personality problems, sadly. Poor childhoods damage brain growth and development, and that is a fact. In low moments I worry about my own brain. Also, PDs overlap, and many PDs have more than one PD. They also present on a spectrum, so can be mild or severe.

Some PDs can be treated, there is a poster on MN who has a PD and she has been succesful in adressing her problems. But she is not an N. Ns will never seek help...because they are always right and there is nothing wrong with them, by definition! Treament requires self-awareness, and Ns lack that.

[BaggyAgy]

Help please, how do I access Adult children of Narcissists? My Mother and at the men in my life are all N.

[mathanxiety]

BA -- I found one particular Yahoo group by googling it and clicking on the link. I think you'll then need a yahoo id to join.

Singledomisgood -- I used to be regaled with tales of the incompetence of my exH's colleagues on a very frequent basis. I could predict the cycle of gushing praise followed a few weeks later by criticism of their laziness and fecklessness every time he started a new job (he job-hopped a lot; it depressed him more and more to have to go off to work. He would leave and find somewhere new and wonderful that would soon turn to dust....)