Mumsnet Talk

ds is 4.5 and is in his second year at his preschool.

there are 3 teachers that look after 15 children.

one of the teachers seems to be quite keen to point out to me when ds has been naughty. when i say naughty i dont mean hurting or being nasty. she say things like "this boy doesn't like being told what to do." or "he likes to do things his way." which to me isn't particularly naughty. but the way she says it is as if he is a constant nuisance to her. she doesnt talk to me other than when she does say these things and she will actually leave what she is doing to come and tell me when i come to collect him even if one of the other teachers is opening the door for me. i have noticed also that if she is in the hall when i am putting ds' coat on and he is messing with me, which i am participating in i,e; we are playing. she will reprimand him and tell him to behave. which i think is unneccessary when i am there.

i am starting to wonder if she has a dislike for ds and if whe might be treating him unfairly while he is in her care.

just to add, the other two teachers have never mentioned any of this 'naughty' behaviour to me.

Unlikely. Maybe he is doing things that she perceives to be misbehavior and cannot just ignore it if you aren't doing anything to prevent it.

do you mean about the playing when i am putting his coat on?

it really is playing though. he will hide behind the book stand and i will peek round the side and he will giggle. she would tell him to stop messing and behave. surely it is obvious that we are playing a game. i dont think it is naughty to do that.

But you're still on her premises. You can't make your own rules up. If the rule is "no messing about in the cloakroom" - then the rule stays the same, whether you are there or not. How about not encouraging him to be silly?

4.5 isn't a toddler having a timmy about putting on coat, why not encourage co-operation and independence

i dont think it is silly to play a game with your mum when you are pleased to see her. a preschool that discourages play is not a very child friendly preschool.

hmmm is he your first or only??

i think his independance is what the teacher doesnt like.

pmsl

okaaaaay carry on he'll transition just lovely to school

he is my first but i dont think that makes my concern any less valid.

i know he will, i have no doubt about that.

i do sense your sarcasm though.

well have you tackled her on this? have you asked directly "do you fear independent, free thinking children and would prefer all your charges to be docile order obeying slaves?"

well maybe not quite that direct. but i would ask if she would like to arrange a meeting WITH THE OTHER PLAYLEADERS ALSO THERE to discuss any issues she may have. Ask to see his notes, who is his keyworker and keeps his record? If 2 of 3 think he is fine, and she is just an old bag of the "children should be seen and not heard" bully brigade this should give you an idea of how things really stand.

good luck.

booyhoo, I'm with you, it does seem a bit odd. Could you have a quiet word with one of the other teachers, ask them to tell you honestly how they would assess ds's behaviour? Just to see if there is a genuine reason for her actions.

i haven't spoke to her yet as i was waiting to see if it continued, which it has. i just wanted to get a general opinion on whether i should say something or leave it.

i will speak to the principle tomorrow (she is one of the 3 that looks after him) and ask her if he is causing a problem.

he's disobedient with her, and she's trying to model to you what she feels is acceptable behavior. You're not helping him by not modelling acceptable behavior.

And no, schools don't like free thinking individuals with open minds, they want them to put their coats on and stop messing about.

good for you booyhoo, i think if you feel uncomfortable its a really good idea to get someone else's perspective on the situation. Hopefully she will be able to reassure you that your boy is doing fine.

Might also be a heads up to her that one of her staff is being harsher than needbe with him. Let her know if you feel her staff member has a negative attitude to your child.

Let us know how you get on. From the interested mother of an intelligent, playful, and loving 3 year old who COULD also be described as determined, wilful and extrovert!!

independence is not the same as ignoring the teacher to do as you please. Independence is putting your coat on without having to be reminded to stop messing around.

You're his mum. You have time to arse about for 10 minutes to get him giggling into his coat. playschool teachers, and even less so primary school teachers, do not have time. he needs to do it without messing about or he'll be missing playtimes.

he isnt messing with her he is doing it with me. a game that we are both participating in. he knows that it is a game we play different to when he is being told to do something by a teacher. when she is putting his coat on she can tell him to stop messing but when i am playing with him she should recognise that it is a game we are both playing and not interfere.

also, she didnt say he was being disobedient. she said he didnt like being told what to do, not that he didnt do what he was told. there is a difference.

Now you know what to say to her when she argues with you, Boohyoo

Imagine what it's like for a teacher with 20 children who don't like doing what they're told. "Lets go outside". One child wants to carry on playing with his lego, one doesn't want to wear a coat in the rain, one doesn't want to change out of her dress that mum insists cannot get dirty, one wants to take the fuzzy felts outside, one is worried about sheep that might be hiding in the garden.
Meanwhile,
The children who got ready quickly and efficiently are now getting bored and restless and picking their, or somebody else's nose up to the second knuckle, poking holes in stuff and pushing each other but you can't go out yet because there isn't enough cover outside because a small team of you are still coping with the children who don't do as they're told.
Sometimes children have to realise that "do it now" doesn't mean lets play for 10 minutes.

She also might be a grumpy staff member. Talk to the other staff.

ok, spoke to the principle today, the teacher that mentioned these things wasnt in today.

principle says she hadnt noticed any problems or been made aware of any, and that ds was usually very obliging when asked to do anything she said he toes the line the same as the rest. i told her that the other teacher had mentioned to me, so she said she will have a word with her and ask her if she is having difficulty with him.

Children and grown ups have different personalities. Sometimes they clash.

thats what i was thinking TiggyD, i know there are some children i find irritating. however i would never be unprofessional if it was my job to work with children. there are some adults i clash with at work but we all must remain professional and put personal feelings aside.

Ask her what she is going to do about your DS's behaviour
Ask her what she expeacts you do do about it as well.
As an experienced early years practitioner, I would never dream of complaining about a child's behaviour unless i had real concerns about them.
It is part of the job to deal with all sorts of berhaviour.
I would also never dream of being so negative in my feedback to parents. if I do have to give negative feedback, I always find a positive to end on.
And I love independent free-thinkers, but I do like them to be able to do as they are told.