Would you like to be on Mumsnet's research panel? We're especially keen for parents-to-be and new parents to join. You can sign up here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive on offer for your views.

feeling utterly horrendous after health visit

(123 Posts)
iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 17:48:36

Today i was visited by a health visitor for first time. Im 37 wks. She was very very nice but she asked so many questions about past depression and the baby that I am left feeling shattered.
After a long chat i feel like
-my diet isnt good enough for the baby
-my house isnt warm enough/ready for the baby
-i am not ready or prepared for the baby

I couldnt answer Qs like what sort of parent do you think you'll be, what will it be like when you bring the baby home.

I havent been to any classes or read any books or surrounded myself with a support network - i have no support network. I feel that she thinks i am being abused by my partner and that i am isolated. I completely broke down because i am struggling with the loss of all of my friends since getting pregnant and moving away. My normal confident bubbly self was nowhere to be seen.

I am left feeling like a bad mother.

HeyHoHereWeGo Thu 24-Jan-13 13:45:15

Hi iam.. (love your name, Miranda fan maybe?)
Perhaps you could, whenever you are in an upbeat mode, write to your hv?

You could run it by us, and just go through quickly some of the things like that fact that you have been trying to eat of course but you've been quite ill. That you have a great deal of support from Mumsnet. That your DP was just trying to give you space but he is very interested in the baby. That you dont know what type of mother you will be, but since you are a (insert your lovely qualities here..) kind sensitive funny loyal friend, daughter and partner, you feel sure thats the type of mother you will be.
Thank her for her help and ask her to pop back anytime as you really enjoyed your chat. Tell her you are not weepy or emotional most days and it felt good to get it out.
Say you would be very interested in what local groups are on and ask her to, whenever she gets a chance, maybe send on that information about baby groups.

All the best.
(Yes I am slightly ever so slightly paranoid. But especially if you are young, or have ever been involved with social services or police before, then I really would do the above^^ If you are in your 30s professional, moneyed, then you dont need to...)

iamwhaticallpregnant Thu 24-Jan-13 14:05:07

Hey there Heyhoherewego - I am 30 and partner is 33 and I am a lecturer and we are moderately wealthy - well, certainly not disadvantaged in any way. I like the idea of a letter - but more as it will make me feel a bit better. I have the tendency to over dramatise situations - and I am sure we didn't come across as badly as I imagined we did. I am sure she must see a lot worse. It felt a bit like an interview for a job I really wanted and I hadnt prepared and came across really stupid! I feel a lot better now a couple of days later perhaps slightly less hormonal. grin and yes - a massive Mirander fan - such fun!

HeyHoHereWeGo Thu 24-Jan-13 15:04:19

You see if she had been someone else, say a wonderfully kind mother, a close sister, another new mother, then your crying and letting it all out would be just simply normal and healthy and a great release.

I often when pregnant, seek out films that I know will make me cry, just because I need to cry - I love Juno and Bridges of Madison County for those occasions!!
So I think crying and feeling overwhelmed is par for the course!! Welcome to motherhood in all its anxiety ridden sleep deprived glory!
I think I would just send the letter
- in case she reflects on the visit and thinks she should make a referral to ss
- in case she discusses it with a senior who, having not met you, thinks she should refer you to ss
and
- because she sounds like she was kind and lovely and she could well be a goldmine of information and support for you

(and its good that your profile is that of "otherwise capable woman" as unfortunately if ones profile is "graduate of the care system" or "immature young one" then the bar for contacting ss is set very low)
When are you due by the way?
Do you know boy/girl?
I always found out in advance, I loved knowing, though I didn't tell anyone in real life.

iamwhaticallpregnant Thu 24-Jan-13 15:56:18

I completely agree with you. I think i was holding in a lot and it all came flooding out when she talked to me because i just don't have any other outlets at the moment. To be honest I probably could do with quite a bit of therapy after the last year! But then it was all compounded by the questions about motherhood that I then couldn't answer and then felt utterly clueless...and anxious....and depressed....and panicked! There was nothing at all wrong with the HV - I am sure she is very good at her job. I just felt so inadequate after the meeting. yes I am sure you are right about SS - hopefully she could see that i was otherwise ok. I am due in only 19 days. Not that I am counting. It is a boy and i can not wait.

HeyHoHereWeGo Thu 24-Jan-13 16:34:24

Oh thats wonderful, a boy, I can just picture the velvety soft skin (broody much?)
You allude to a stressful year, do you have any outlet for that?
I haven't ever done it myself but lots of people get great support from starting their own thread, on relationships say. It seems to be great.
You have probably been round these parts for a while so dont need to be told that!!
But anyway, nothing so strange as waiting for the first baby!
Everyone used to say to me "Oh its such a lovely time" but I didn't think so - in pain, anxious, still feeling I had to work clean and tidy etc etc All full of fears and hormones etc
But anyway, enjoy whats left of it if you can.
Not long now..

Badvoc Thu 24-Jan-13 18:29:08

A boy!
I have 2 boys and they are amazing (biased) smile
I had some really odd dreams prior to giving birth to ds1.
Am quite embarrassed about this one, but will share so you can see we all go a bit..erm..strange in the last days of pg! smile
I woke up crying one night...properly sobbing and dh hugged me and asked what was wrong and I told him about my dream...I dreamt that I had a little girl. Wonderful. I should point it at this stage that i am not a girly type at all and I can't do anything properly "girly" in fact.
in my dream social services came and took her away be because I couldn't do plaits. sad
I know.
But I was really shaken up for days sad
So.
Be kind to yourself x

I'm due in 20 days! Also a boy. I'm sure everything will be fine, everyone worries how they will cope.

I'm under consultant care and every other week the mw asks me about dv. I'm sure you didn't come across as badly as you think. As for the food my diet is always crap during pg due to the awful hg I get all day every day

Chislemum Thu 24-Jan-13 19:12:45

agree with Badvoc - I have a boy too and I adore him! I had to grin about your dream - could have been mine. How is the OP doing?

iamwhaticallpregnant Thu 24-Jan-13 20:59:58

I am alright thanks Chisle. I have been eating healthier and making an effort to wash and get dressed. And 19 days seem managable. I have calmed down a bit since visit and thanks to lovely messagesrealise its not as bad as once thought.

JiltedJohnsJulie Thu 24-Jan-13 23:28:44

Just came back to see how you were doing, scanned today's messages and thought you'd had your boy. Really thought he was on his way yesterday.

19 days isn't really that long and you've done another day already smile

iamwhaticallpregnant Sun 27-Jan-13 08:34:24

17 days ........
i am good thanks - apart from waiting waiting waiting.....

mattysmum09 Sun 27-Jan-13 10:38:48

Definitely go to local support groups like if u plan to breast feed go to bf support group I've made such good friends there and they welcome pregnant mums and then it wont feel so daunting once lil one arrives. So wish I'd gone to these with my first baby as I was isolated then and needn't have been:-( try and stay positive I'm sure u wil be a great mum just give yourself a chance!!

iamwhaticallpregnant Sun 27-Jan-13 11:51:54

thanks matty - I def will go to groups once the baby is here - I am 100% planning on breastfeeding so that's a good idea smile

Chislemum Sun 27-Jan-13 14:51:32

just checking in.... hope you are much happier smile

iamwhaticallpregnant Sun 27-Jan-13 16:29:44

I am thank you! Thanks for everything thanks

ZolaBuddleia Sun 27-Jan-13 17:53:27

That's great, OP. smile

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sun 27-Jan-13 22:47:15

I'm glad you sounding alot better!

Chislemum Mon 11-Feb-13 13:51:27

just coming back to see how things are, iamwhaticallpregnant? has little one arrived?

iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 12-Feb-13 08:41:52

Hi Chisle!! It is my due date today. Im so fed up. No sign of the bugger.

sharni20 Tue 12-Feb-13 14:21:56

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 13-Feb-13 16:44:32

mmm.... I wonder what Sharni said shock
1 day over due now sad

ThreeWheelsGood Wed 13-Feb-13 17:06:45

Hi OP - just read the thread, a lot of what you've said resonates with me. You'll be okay. You'll feel tired and overwhelmed after the birth too but it's different then. Don't be shy about asking for help from the midwives in hospital - I'd never held a baby or changed a nappy before either! - I asked for help every time baby needed feeding. You have a supportive partner, you're looking forward to having a baby, it's hard work but you'll do a good job! Take any support you can get post natally because why not? Lots of new mums feel unprepared, perhaps most! You'll feel less lonely when you get out and about a bit to groups too. Hope you're feeling ok today.

iamwhaticallpregnant Thu 14-Feb-13 09:42:48

Thanks threewheels - i feel ok and im very ready to tell them if they ask if i need help and mention depression as i feel i have been suffering from it through pregnancy. Id feel better if the baby would turn up. 2 days over now. Urgh.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now