Dear Un-born baby.

[Bogeyface]

Your daddy and I are thrilled that your movements are now very regular and distinct. However, we do have a couple of issues that we thought we should bring up now, to save any problems later.

1. That round squashy thing that you have been using as a trampoline is called a BLADDER. It holds Mummys wee before she goes to the toilet and when you bounce up and down on it, it hurts and makes me feel very uncomfortable. Could you do your bouncing after Mummy has been to the loo please?!

2. 3 am is sleepy time, not play time! And certainly not bladder-trampolining time. Get this one right now, and we will get on like a house on fire after you are born, as it will be sleepy time at 3 am then too.

3. The whole chocolate thing. You should know that I really dont like it. I have never eaten it in any great amount so would you mind easing back on the demand for 2 Wispa bars daily? My bum is looking bigger than my bump!

4. Coca Cola - cans of, 2 per day. See above.

Other than that, welcome to the family and we cant wait to meet you!

Love from Mummy xxx

5. Dinner - pretty please stop wriggling quite so much after I've eaten! It makes me feel really bloated and uncomfortable, and as though you and the food are fighting for dominance/space in my tummy!

Haha. Lately I have mostly been telling the baby to please stop kicking me in the ribs. Seriously. Move down. It bloody hurts.

Dear Baby. PLEASE GET OUT OF ME!! you have overstayed your welcome by 10 looooong days now. As much as i love you, it's time to show your face.

and if you do insist on staying for a while longer please stop pretending your on your way. stop/start false labour is only fun for you, not me and your dad.

hahaha love this!

So lovely. And I'm bloody blubbing again. My hormones are in such a state!!

Dear Baby,

Please stop hitting me from both sides at once - it is very disconcerting to watch my sides expand simultaneously every time you decide to stretch. Turning head down would be much, much appreciated.

Scans are time to wake up and wriggle and be playful, not sulk bottom up and play sleeping lions. There will be plenty of time for that later on.

Love Mummy x

Now I know everyone will think this is crazy and very PF(soon to be)B, but we find that if DH has a word with DD when she's kicking me in the wee small hours she stops. Works every time. Now clearly this is more about him getting me to relax and back to sleep but I like to think she's listening to her Daddy!

No answer for the chocolate thing though. I wasn't a sweet tooth before pg but have just gobbled up six if those seashell chocolates. I feel a little sick- but the baby made me do it!

cocoa if i want the baby to stop kicking i just get dp too have a feel. guranteed to get her to stop.

Oh, and please tell me your name! I have no idea and less than 9 weeks to go.

Oh Mummatron, you poor thing!

Dear baby

1. I don't know what the hell you're doing in there but you are pushing against my spine and it hurts! Please stoppit.

2. Stop jumping on my bladder or I will have an accident and I won't find it funny! Ditto my cervix - it feels like you are going to fall through when you give it a good punch/kick.

3. Please stop trying to take my ribs off! They are meant to be there - yes seriously! I know that you don't seem keen but I am quite attached to them so could you please leave them alone?

Thank you! Xx

Dear Baby :

1. I have served your eviction notice, I'm 38+1, and your kicks are hurting me. Please find the exit.

2. If you are going to use your razor-sharp nails to scratch my cervix, could you at least try to break your waters at the same time.

3. Two weeks of stop-start contractions with no baby to show for it is rather tiring, especially when they only seem to happen between the hours of 7pm and 2am, meaning Mummy can't sleep. If you are going to cause me pain, could it at least be you actually GETTING OUT.

Much love, Mummy.

Dear Daughter,

1. Please tell your daddy and your brother your name. I know your name, you know your name, so why are the men in our lives being so awkward about accepting it? I have tried talking to them but have had no luck, perhaps you'd fayre better.

1. Please be ready to be born at 38 weeks. I do not want to be pregnant for 42 weeks again, so if you could be nice and organised and make sure you're ready just a bit early that would be great.

1. Please turn head down. Your habit of swinging between breech and sideways is getting a bit irritating.

love, Mummy. x

Dear Pickle,

1. Thank you for holding on for a few more weeks, after your double escape attempts at 32 and 34 weeks, however, it's now nearly time to leave, so please make sure you're nice and ready.

1. Please can you stop pressing on that nerve in my uterus that makes me feel as if I'm being eletrocuted everytime you move.

1. Thank you also for the reminders when I roll over in bed and wake you up, but try and learn to go back to sleep much faster than the hour it currently takes. We're going to have lots of sleeping time in the evenings and at night, so best practice now.

lots of love,

Mum.

Lovely thread :) I certainly agree with Crystylline's third point - baby vents its frustration at me if I dare roll over during the night!

Also yes to bladder-trampolining, it's not nice :(

Dear baby boy,

1. I love you very much, but I really don't like bananas and would really like you to stop asking for them.

1. Thank you for growing so well and being a good boy so far. However, you are now very heavy and I would like you to calm down a little bit so that you still fit into the very cute newborn baby clothes waiting for you.

1. 10pm is BEDTIME not PLAYTIME so please get used to that idea before you arrive.

1. Thank you for all the reassuring kicks and pokes, but please stop making me out to be a liar by sitting still as soon as anyone else tries to feel you moving!

Lots of love,
Mummy x

P.S. I'm looking forward to meeting you in 5 weeks time (no later please).

Dear Baby,

I would so like to know what you are going to be, so please, no more being modest and crossing your legs at the next scan like the previous 3. Otherwise I will have no alternative to buy nothing but pink regardless of whether you are a girl or boy, to show you that it doesn't pay to be stubborn.

Daddy would appreciate it, if he could feel you moving as well instead of you showing that stubborn streak I am getting to know very well. And if you want to kick him in his back when we are snuggled up against him in bed, please make sure he feels the benefit of it too.

I would appreciate it, if, when I tell the midwife, I know which side you are on as I can tell by the kicks, you would stay where you are meant to be, and not suddenly lie on the other side so she hears your heartbeat where I said your feet were. Makes mummy look very stupid.

And if you would do us all a favour and turn round instead of getting into your "ready for after the birth and the practising of your teenage years" position, ie: lying horizontal, and instead putting your head down, I will reconsider the threats of putting your hair in pigtails, even if you are a boy (due to non showing of sex).

I know you can't help it, having a stubborn mummy its bound to rub off on you, but the time for that is after you meet us, not before.

Love mummy xx

wanderinginawinterwonderland Love the ribs comment! lol.

Dear Baby

Could you possibly lose your hair or stop whatever it is you're doing that gives Mummy heartburn? It makes her quite grumpy and your big sister is getting fed up with grumpy mummy.

If you could take it easy on the iron you're consuming and leave some for mummy she would be grateful. You see, she can't drink orange juice to help absorb more iron, or eat dark chocolate (see heartburn issue above) so we need to come up with a fair share system.

Finally, we'd love to see you in about 8 weeks. Although I will obviously be completely fair to you and your sister you can be my secret favourite if a) you don't make us wait 8 days past due (b) you take less than 26 hours to arrive.

Love & hugs
Mummy

Dear Baby,

Further to our previous communication re: positioning and scans please action the above ASAP. You are now, if it's possible which I didn't think it was, apparently even more badly positioned than before.

Love Mummy x

Dear baby
Midnight cartwheeling sessions are not fun.
I'd like to sleep please.
(baby doing cartwheels, not me btw :o)

Lmao facerolles!!!!!

faverolles even

Goldetc worse??? You mean they can get worse??? :(

tlise apparently so - it was straight transverse, facing down, head over one hip, bottom over the other (odd, uncomfortable but with room to bounce/wriggle/turn) and curled in a posterior position and now it looks like dropped so its knees are braced against one hip, bum against the other, feet jabbing my cervix and head somewhere near its knees. Basically its getting wedged in my pelvis (with its giant femur) and STILL facing my spine so hiding face, heart...all the important bits... And there's no wag it will get head down because my left hip is in the way short of a complex backwards somersault type action, which I'm sure it could do but doesn't feel like at the moment.

I like to think it was just acting up for the overconfident student that I agreed to have scan me and baffling the consultant for fun but I'm worried it may just be plain awkward