How did you know that you were ready to start a family?

[LoveInAColdClimate]

Assuming that you actually made a conscious decision to start TTC rather than having a "surprise" pregnancy, how did you decide when you were ready?

DH and I are both almost 30, own our own house with plenty of room for a baby, are very lucky in that we could afford (with a bit of sacrifice) for me to be a SAHM if I wanted to be. We have been having a lot of discussions about when to start TTC.

I feel so differently from day to day over whether we are ready for a baby. Friends' babies make me really broody. Howling babies on the train, however, have the opposite effect. I am so torn between wanting more time with just the two of us (and with plenty of disposable income) and wanting to start our family.

Does everyone feel like this, or did you "just know" it was time to start and have no doubts? Outwardly at least our friends with babies seem to fall into the latter camp, which makes me think that perhaps if I don't feel 100% sure, we should wait until I do. But what if I never feel 100% sure that it's the right time? We definitely want children, and don't want to leave it too late...

How did you know it was right for you?

Thanks in advance.

I never wanted kids in my twenties, always told friends and family "not before thirty". DH always told me he felt the same, though I knew he started to get broody about 3-4 years ago, after we got married, before we moved house.

I made a conscious decision about 18=20 months ago that I would want him to have a child, so on holiday last year in March I told him if he wanted to try, now would be good.

He knows I am not maternally minded, although I had never ruled children out completely. We waited 3 months before trying, and I am due our DC in 2 weeks time.

I never had the broody feeling. Just the knowledge that I did not want to get to 40 and regret not trying.

I dont think there ever is a right time, the time you decide to try makes it right.

It was as right for me as its ever going to be.

I didn't. My dd1 decided

My hormones started shouting BABY! at me, and we went with it

When the blue line faded into view

It suddenly seemed ridiculous NOT to be trying to TTC.

No joy yet though. Hmm.

I never wanted kids in my previous marriage, knew it was not going to work I suppose. When I met DP I still had it in my head that I didn't (he always made it clear he did), but after lots of traveling, moving into forever home (large enough for several kids) and having new car every 3 years, I thought ....what next ? I felt like I needed something more and the fact I was 38 made me think it's now or never. I think you get to a point when you need to turn the page and start a new chapter, that is what made me "know"...DD is now 11 months and I am hoping the ole biological clock will let me squeeze in another.
Best of luck with your decision.

Well we are having a surprise baby, in that it wasn't totally planned for right now. DH and I are early 30s, comfortable jobs, house etc. and have progressed from ewwww..., to maybe sometime maybe never, to probably, to yes just not sure when.

We had then progressed to thinking maybe next year, and then it just happened anyway.

The minute I knew I was ready was the minute I found out I was pregnant. Or perhaps I'm actually not ready, and never will be. The thing is that for me that whole question became completely irrelevant the minute I got a positive test.

I think from my experience of friends etc. there are fewer people who think 'now we are ready, this is the perfect time' than there are those who think 'well we're not sure if we're ready but we think we might be and we won't be more sure in a year/2 years' etc.

If this hadn't happened to us in the way that it has, I think we might have spend a long time (maybe too long) waiting to see if we were ready, and for timing to be perfect, paid off credit cards, moved to a bigger "forever" house, saved a bit of money, had 'one last' ski holiday, etc. But in reality if we had waited for all that we would never be ready. I don't think we would ever have been "ready" to face the massive responsibility, and whole gamut of emotions and challenges that this is going to present, it's a lot like jumping off a cliff, you're never ready, and it's easier if someone just gives you a little push.

I'm of course saying this with all the wisdom of someone who is 14 weeks pregnant with my first, so to a large extent I am still completely not ready, I have no idea how I'm going to feel when I hold my baby, if I'm going to be a good Mum, whether we will do OK financially etc. But we're here now, we got a little push off the cliff and we're holding hands on the way down.

D

I also think as you are approaching ready, you stop thinking about the cons and think more about the pros. Crying babies don't make me think 'how annoying' any more, they make me think 'oh poor thing is tired/hungry/over or under-stimulated' etc. (Ask me again about this in 6 months though!)

Kids stopping us from having ski holidays started to morph into wouldn't it be fun to have a little 5 yr old on tiny skis.

D

DH and I got married last year, have a lovely home etc and I originally wanted to savour a few years of married life 'just us'. However we both knew we wanted kids 'at some point' and I woke up one day and knew the only thing I would regret about the subject was getting to my mid 30s, trying and not being able to conceive, for whatever reason -I would never have been able to justify those, in my mind, 'wasted years' when who knows what might have happened. We have since conceived, had an MC and I am now 16 wks pg. I think after the mc I decided I was really pleased we had started trying as it really isn't always 'oh yeah we'll try now and 9 mths later' It can take years..... I wouldn't have wanted to waste anymore.... but that's just me, everyone has different reasons, fears and its not always easy to understand other peoples!

Good luck with your decision!

Apologies for the slightly rude question, but how old are you all (if you don't mind saying!)? Thanks so much for all the very helpful comments.

I also think that over time and depending on circumstances, the reasons not reduce and start to feel like non-reasons.

When I was 16, the reason not to get pregnant was 'Oh My God what will my Mum say', it then became 'I need to finish uni', I then had a really squeamish phase where I really did think 'eewww' at the thought of having a baby, then there were a number of years after DH and I got married (7 years ago) where the reason was basically that we were having too much fun being a couple, to not feeling financially secure, to having a 2-seater car (yes I know it is riduclous) and then those reasons just peetered out into 'what if we're not good at being parents', which seemed like a non-reason.

D

You will never feel completely ready you just gotta do it if you think you want children...
We decided to be pregnant right around I am 30. The logic was is that if we find that we have difficulties we will have 5 years to try until we disqualify for fertility treatment. 2.5 years into marriage when I was 29 we decided to not use protection but not really try for a baby, just see what happens. Two months later I quit my job of 4 months because I hated it and it was too much stress, we agreed to start using protection again, a week later after series of strange symptoms we got a BFP. I took a test a lone and when the line showed up I was terrified, told my husband, he pretended to be happy but later admitted that he was worried. We told our families and they were so excited, that is when we knew for sure that we are ready and having this baby is the best time for us ever. We still have few months to go but we love our baby so much already and can't wait to meet her/he.

Hi,

Im 35 and 24 weeks pregnant with my first. I have to agree with the other posters - it is not that I have any sudden realisation that I was ready or felt a huge maternal urge - it was more that I married last year and we moved into a family home and again like other posters said felt not having children would upset me more than children stopping me havign that exotic holiday, new car etc.

I thik being abit older has helped make it so easy as I have travelled, lived overseas, splurged on the designer shoes etc etc so I dont feel that a baby is stopping me.

I am sure some people would question equating a child with shoes by the way so I dont mean that flippantly but I think people can see children as being a lifestyle choice and while I dontthink my life ISNT going to change, I suppose it is just that my life changing is ok. But also if I am honest my age did play a major role for me.

I think how much kids 'stop' you doing things is somewhat down to you.

You have my sympathy though as one of the things you will quickly realise if you or your friends start trying is that when it comes to conceiving and actually getting a healthy baby at the end of it is so fraught with the unknowns - I'm 35 and conceived the 2nd month trying - a friend who is 27 took 5 months, another friend at 32 took a year - another friend (my age) just had to terminate a pregnancy at 21 weeks as the baby had developed brain damage and spina bifida - so you see the horrible thing is you just dont know how the dice would roll.

If we could know for sure for example up to what age you could have kids then I think people would plan much more the thing is no one knows.

I think of course it is wise that you are discussing this with your other half rather then just jumping in as I cant imagine anything worse then one person being more comitted then the other but I think its only when you pee on that stick and it is neg or positive and your reaction to the news that tells you if you are ready or not....

I'm 33

Interestingly, can't imagine not being thrilled by a positive test result even if I got it today... perhaps that means I am ready and just holding out for some imaginary "perfect time"... hmmmm...

Thanks everyone for the very helpful input, am really appreiacting hearing your stories - and congratulations to all those expecting/with babies!

Am also somewhat alarmed by the fact that all of our friends with/expecting babies have either conceived first go (or in one case while not trying at all) or had major problems doing so at all (requiring years of trying and/or IVF). There doesn't seem to have been any middle ground of 6 months or so trying. I think this leads me to think that either we will have a baby 9 months after TTC whether we are ready or not, or else that we should definitely start now and we may have one by 35 if we are lucky (am almost 30). I know this is silly as my friends' experience has no bearing at all on what will happen to us, but I suppose you are influenced by what you see others going through.

Because I got to 30 and started feeling so broody it almost suffocated me. Unfortunately my marriage was going through a rough patch due to DH's depression and he was dead against it despite us having our own home and reasonable jobs.

He got some counseling, left his job and went back to Uni and we had DD when he was in his second year and I was 33. Number 2 due any day with nearly 3 year gap. Timing was not great due to finances but we still have our home, DH is now working in his new career and we are happy. Being a SAHM wasn't an option for me bit I don't mind that.

Number 1 took just over a year to conceive but I have irregular periods. Number 2 was second month of trying.

LIACC, I think as you have posted that you "can't imagine not being thrilled by a positive test result" even if you got it today, that's probably a pretty big indicator.

What would your DH's reaction be?

D

When we were lying on a beach in Greece and found ourselves envying the couples with little kids running around; when Christmas was held no excitmement whatsoever. 30 was also looming and I was convinced that it'd take me ages to conceive (it didn't).

Even then, I worried about whether it was the right time - should I try and get a bit furtehr in my career? Be a bit thinner? Save more money? Go on another holiday?

I don't think anyone's ever ready for a baby. When I was pregnant, I treated the whole thing like an exam - reading up on it, discussing (endlessly)with DH and we were till knocked for 6 when DS arrived. almost time to start trying for no 2now, and I'm beginning to go through the same thing - do we really need 2? How hte hell will I juggle full time work and two kids under 3 or 4? Can I be arsed with 7 months (or more) of broken sleep?

Of course I can!

Deliaskis - think he would also be pleased if we found out I was pregnant tomorrow - although I have the contraceptive implant so no real chance of surprise positive test, so harder to imagine it maybe?

DH wants to start trying next summer (he is much more decisive than me!). This would suit me (I think - on today's view!), although I keep having "oooh, I'm only 30, we could give it another year after that" moments...

Actually slightly wish was on pill/using condoms rather than having implant as think stopping using them would seem rather less scary than the finality of having my implant taken out... sounds silly, I know .

I'm 28

No it doesn,t LIACC. I came off the pill (after 13 years) 3 months before the starting gun and felt like I was in free-fall. I'm a control freak so we used condoms until it was time to start ttc, but I kind of missed that morning ritual of pill-popping. Felt like all my hormones had been set free to roam about.

As an aside I was never a broody, I want kids type of person, until I got married. I've always been very career orientated and have just started my PhD so all very bad timing - but hey ho, as I said, its the only thing I would regret not doing in the long term!

LIACC I was a lot like you - oook let's just wait a bit longer, and the only reason I am now 14 weeks is we had started playing a bit fast and loose with condoms - I thought it was too late in the month for me to conceive so we didn't bother, and bing, baby on the way!

Actually, I should have mentioned we had a 'scare' just 2 months before this actual pregnancy, where we thought I was, then realised I wasn't, and I think that also taught us a lot. We freaked out for about a minute - DH's first reaction "but it can't happen from just once can it?" and "but that's not how it happens is it?" bless, he was a bit surprised! Then we were quite quickly a little bit excited, then surprisingly disappointed that I wasn't. And following that, we still weren't that careful with condoms, so I guess that meant we were ready.

I think this might in some ways be easier than having to make the decision that we were 'ready'. And if we were really completely not ready, we would have taken more care with condoms and/or pill wouldn't we. I sometimes wonder if sub-consciously this was our way of starting to 'try' without actually 'declaring' it.

Since the moment we found out we were expecting, we have considered ourselves inordinately lucky and blessed that we got pregnant so easily, rather than in any way unlucky that we got caught out with a cycle scheduling snafu.

D

Astronaut79 - perhaps all contracteption-stopping is scary, then! You spend so many years frantically trying not to get pregnant and then all this worry about whether to do so...