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Dec 08 Mums - Onwards and bloody well upwards!

(996 Posts)
Beans36 Mon 15-Oct-12 19:17:44

How's this? Thought I'd just press on with it!

JumpJockey Tue 04-Dec-12 14:02:09

SL happy birthday! Sounds like a fabby day lined up.
and VJ glad you had a lovely birthday weekend too smile

Kayz glad the electricity is being mended - power cuts are all very romantic for the first few minutes with candles etc, but then it just becomes a pain in the neck.

Beans - you have been through such a lot this year, definitely time to have a bit of time for yourself. We can all sympathise with the Oh FFS DH feeling of them getting time out - I used to envy DH his quiet commute in the car... do you have any chances to get out with friends yourself?

WG your honesty is a great thing. There's been some great advice from the ladies already, so can't add anything but definitely know the feeling of "I should be doing this more but can't work out how to make myself want to". DH and I manage it once a month or less - it's not even as if we've got the excuse of being too tired as the girls are both sleeping pretty well. I have a secret fear of getting PG again - E was conceived shockingly easily, and I really don't want another. So hoicking out the condoms makes it all a bit too much of a "performance" and it feels too artificial. Do you find that just snuggling up on the sofa is ok? Would that be a good start, and from there things become less stress inducing?

spot - sounds like dp is in a positive place right now, long may that last.

Right - our current dilemma is schools hmm. The primary school that S would be most likely to go to is very friendly, great community feeling, it's linked to our church (v important for DH, not debating the whole faith school thing! wink) several of her friends go there already. BUT parents we know there say there's a tendency for bright kids to be allowed to coast and to get lazy - they're not achieving as well as expected from KS1 to KS2. We know she's a bright spark, and don't want her to lose that if school doesn't give her enough to work on. She has an offer of a place at an independent school (not debating that point either! wink) which has a great approach to learning - not just about passing exams but about extending the way the children think, instilling thinking skills and habits that are about more than just the subject in hand. Downsides; class sizes are possibly too small (10-15), it's on a small site with no grass (but they do have a nature reserve, playing fields a little way away), there's much less of the community thing as kids come from further afield.

SO. What is more important? Will a bright child genuinely do well anywhere, in which case is the family feeling of the first school most important? Or should we give her the opportunity that's available of the second school, to really stretch her and open her mind to everything that's possible?

I may be writing with my current "cautious" head on given to current circumstances but...
I would go with a). I think the aspect of it being a faith school that you support and is representative of the local community is very important. If you're worried she's not being stretched enough, you can always talk about this with the teacher and provide extra tutoring if necessary/pay for her to do other activities out of school.

Thing is, with the independent school, should anything happen to your finances, (you or DH losing a job, separation, illness), then you might have to disrupt her schooling and take her out of it. Of course, if it's being funded by grandparents/ other income then that's not an issue. But private schools get more and more expensive as the kids get older (not to mention other costs, trips, uniforms, equipment, etc)...so long-term might be a factor.

If you're happy with the local school, it means she will have local friends to hang out with, and you can use the money you would have spent on the school furthering interests she's developing without committing long-term. Also, you're only hearing second-hand what some people are saying about the "coasting" - might not be the case with S and her specific teacher...

JumpJockey Tue 04-Dec-12 15:18:06

All very good points. We did certainly think about using money saved for outside school activities - which is what usually happens of course! And you're absolutely right about the financial concerns. We have been saving hard and doing lots of big spreadsheets, and various insurance policies etc.

The coasting comment came from two friends with children leaving for big school, both found that in the top two years their children weren't being pushed enough and where they would have been expected (from previous sats results etc) to sail through entrance exams, were actually finding them more of a challenge as they had been allowed to get away with the minimum effort required in class.

I guess the thing that really appeals about the second school is the approach. I was sent on lots of "curriculum extension" courses as a kid - the equivalent of G&T now, but outside school hours because G&T didn't really exist back then... - and those are my happiest memories of primary school. The second school seems to use the same kind of multi-disciplinary approach to all its classes, and the thing that appeals is catching a child's imagination really young - it's all very well to be doing extra curricular stuff, but if they're bored during their normal school hours (as I was) it's easy to be influenced by the "you're a geek and school is for geeks" gang and think actually, maybe it's not so cool to use my brain.

Oh and the faith school aspect - it's much more of an influence for DH, as he grew up RC and went to RC school. I came to it as an adult, and can see that having the option to develop your own morality when you're young is very important - there are things about the RC faith that I'm not so keen on [ahem] and that I'd rather she wasn't having instilled in her from the very start. That's probably not what a good catholic mum should be saying, but it's the truth blush

ArtigeneAuberchoke Tue 04-Dec-12 18:44:04

JJ – I tend to agree with Spot. My own view, with a DC in year 2, is that a bright child with a supportive and engaged family will do well in any decent primary. DD1 is in a class of 30 with three statemented children and multiple languages spoken. She has the additional challenge of being the youngest in her year. She has thrived: her school does differentiate by ability and so she is stretched a little and we stretch her more at home. Most importantly she is happy. Her best friend lives on our street, she knows most kids we pass on the way to the shop, she feels like she really belongs in our neighbourhood and that has given her a huge confidence boost. She used to be shy and awkward and now those traits have disappeared. I attribute the school with a lot of credit for that precisely because it has put her at the centre of our community.
 
The first few years of primary are largely about socialising, getting used to routine and rules and making friends. The basic academic starting blocks like reading and number comprehension will be covered well by a decent primary and the extras: a passion for learning, a questioning mind etc will be much more influenced by family than by school.
 
The other thing to remember is that at the end of Year 2 there is the option of leaving the state system and taking prep exams. We always had this as a back-stop if we felt DD1 was not being stretched. In fact we are reasonably happy with her school and she is so happy there that we are not going to move her, but it is an option.
 
It is a hard decision and I don’t mean to make it sound easy. My post last week shows I am considering a different school for DD2 because I feel she needs a smaller school due to her anxiety around large groups. However, the other school I am considering (and in fact applied for this morning) is still local and DD2 will still have local friends and that is really important to me.

Rubena Tue 04-Dec-12 19:29:50

Hmmm tough one JJ. I'm no good at advice - I'm probably Ricky Gervais' biggest fan. I'm agonizing over ds's 2nd and 3rd choice mainly as the second is better than the third, but has no outdoor space which is huge to me for ds. First choice has a big pool as well as all the sports grounds etc. DH says not to worry too much as they can go private later. Most worrying is a lot of the locals haven't had their 3 choices at all shock

Ive been playing travel agent for the past couple of days as parents spose to arrive today but bumped due to effing cargo which I forgot happens at this time of year. Have had to re-route them through Japan and they'll come in Thurs.
Gutted as had Chatty Man tickets for tomorrow but am trying to book them for later.

What was the SS price range? I forgot. An was it for us not kids?
I'm up for this MN w'end away, but given our ability to organise a night out, I'm a bit hmm if we could co-ordinate!

ShadyLadyT Tue 04-Dec-12 22:49:12

Hello loves, I'm on my phone so just a quickie. Sorry it's turned into a bit of an odyssey for your folks, Rubes. So Looking forward to seeing you at the weekend (the entire Rubes clan are coming to stay) - but would you believe our oven is playing up! Horrors! I think Secret Santa was a tennerish? Sorry about Alan Carr, hope you fix it. I requested a gift for me, not kids. Others may have been more selfless grin

JJ - hmm, such a toughie. (And AS IF anyone is going to berate you re: choices, you daft bugger!) Have some similar worries bout school over the road - it's a lovely school but feeding into an independent school might be a jump - however, I reckon as long as one keeps a gimlet eye on what they're learning, it should be ok...and frankly, any child moving sectors at 11/12 usually needs coaching. I think start DD1 at the local school and monitor the situation. You could always move her further down the line if you're not happy - most independent schools have staggered intake. Incidentally, at this age, I don't think notions of 'geekdom' loom all that large so I wouldn't worry so much in the infants...

Kayz, that sounds horrid about the lecky. How distressing for the boys, re: fish. I hope the weather doesn't get too severe. And I hope you get a little rest tonight...

WG - first thing I would do is try to call to mind how you used to feel re: sex. I have been doing this. It does help. Second thing is time away from home and time away from the girls. Also helps (me!). When I am at home in my ginormous, comfy bed, I just feel like reading grin At least if you can GET OUT of the house, it might break the pattern. More to say but not when I am typing on a phone.

Beans, I think you have to get DH to knock this diminished Christmas gifts thingy on the head. Snakes alive - don't you deserve a blimming treat this year?

Right - even if we can't get a London Christmas meet up going, and I am oop for it - let's try to effect a weekend.

Happy Birthday SL.

ShadyLadyT Tue 04-Dec-12 22:54:16

Oh, and you can still call me Lady rather than Shady - the latter makes me feel faintly untrustworthy grin

And Vag - belated 40th birthday wishes, my dear. Xx. We have a lot of Dec birthdays full stop, don't we?

ShadyLadyT Tue 04-Dec-12 22:54:17

Oh, and you can still call me Lady rather than Shady - the latter makes me feel faintly untrustworthy grin

And Vag - belated 40th birthday wishes, my dear. Xx. We have a lot of Dec birthdays full stop, don't we?

ShadyLadyT Tue 04-Dec-12 23:02:06

I don't really know why that posted twice.

Arti, it is grand to hear you sounding so up. Two pals of mine had babies yest...which was my official due date for DD1. Awww. How ghastly must it be for Duchess of Camb to have hyperemesis in public eye? Yuckola. Poor girl.

Spot, money worries nothwithstanding I think you and DP need to have a Christmas night out together and pretend it's a do. Hey, I don't have any more until Jan 8!

ZuleikaJambiere Wed 05-Dec-12 08:36:17

Just marking my place before I catch up tonight, as DH is away. Please can I take my turn in the basket? DH has found a lump on his testicles and I'm trying to keep a brave face, but I need somewhere I can come to have a wobble. Also need some wine, real and virtual I think

ArtigeneAuberchoke Wed 05-Dec-12 08:45:12

Have as much wine and as many hugs as you need ZJ. Has your DH got a doctor's appointment booked to get it checked ASAP? Waiting and uncertainties are agony so I'd push for an emergency appointment. It's most likely nothing but you need to hear that sooner rather than later. Where is he at the moment and when will he be home? Maybe try and plan some fun distractions for the day.

ShadyLadyT Wed 05-Dec-12 09:44:05

Oh ZJ, what a heartstopper. I gather that most lumps tend to be benign but obviously that doubt is torture. Could he see someone today or is he waiting to see the doctor when he comes home? I don't know if there are any of these where he is, but there's something called Medicentre where you can see a doctor on the spot. Try not to let your mind roam over possibilities if you can possibly manage it.

McKayz Wed 05-Dec-12 09:50:32

Oh ZJ how scary. I've got everything crossed for you. Lots of lumps are completely harmless.

Horrendous night here. Up 5 times and I'm knackered. DH is out working with my step dad so it's just me. We are off to Bruges tomorrow so I am hoping she doesn't keep the whole ferry awake.

JamInMyWellies Wed 05-Dec-12 10:24:33

ZJ get him to the Drs asap. Lots of hugs to you and plenty of hand holding.

sybilfaulty Wed 05-Dec-12 12:23:28

ZJ, hope you are ok. Can you book an urgent one for when he is back? Most lumps are harmless but I can see how worrying it is for you. Hugs to you both xxx.

JumpJockey Wed 05-Dec-12 14:17:13

ZJ lovely, big hand holding from here as well.

Honsandrevels Wed 05-Dec-12 14:17:28

ZJ How scary. Have you made him a drs appointment? My DH found a lump a few years ago and I had to make the appointment and drive him there so he didn't bottle out. It was fine.

My dad had testicular cancer about 12 years ago. He had his treatment and apart from feeling 'unbalanced' in his nether regions (he refused a prosthetic), he is 100% healthy.

Honsandrevels Wed 05-Dec-12 14:20:34

Oh and ss was 10 pounds and for us I think we agreed!

JJ I'd go for a and then review if necessary. Have you visited both? I found it easier to decide once we had a feeling for each one.

Beans36 Wed 05-Dec-12 18:40:28

Oh ZJ, thinking of you. How horrid. Big basket love.

DD1's b'day party today. Happy chaos are softly. They loved it!

I had a real treat this morning with a doctor's finger poked up my bum. Mortified. Am bleeding copiously when I poo and she wasn't sure what it was SO now have to go and have a camera pokedup my arse because she felt some funny lumps. Joy. She said not to panic because she's never known a 37 yr old have cancer up there before, but best to be on safe side. Happy days. 24hr ECG next week. Busy busy!!!!!

Right, must eat. Forgot lunch today. SO our of character! X

Honsandrevels Wed 05-Dec-12 20:23:40

Oh dear Beans. Could it not be internal piles? I've had a few colonoscopies and they are ok. It is the embarrassment factor that makes it uncomfortable. They usually give you that date rape drug (rhypnol?) so you relax and don't remember much. Try not to worry.

My most memorable one was as an emergency patient as I was in pain and vomiting blood. They'd given me some morphine so I was feeling woozy. I was on a trolley in the waiting area and I nurse came over and said hello and asked if I worked at the hospital. I misunderstood and thought that she was accusing me of resting when I was meant to be working! She just thought I looked familiar which she explained after I showed her my wristband and told her I was ill. I remember babbling at her and know it was morphine induced nonsense.

ZuleikaJambiere Wed 05-Dec-12 21:35:57

Thank you for your support lovelies, I feel a bit better for having told some people. DH took himself to the Drs at the beginning of the week, which scared me a bit, as he's usually such an ostrich about stuff. They have referred him for a scan on Monday, great that he's being seen quickly, but I would've been much happier if he could be dismissed straight away. Apparently they nearly always remove the testicle, because they can't do a biopsy otherwise. That actually doesn't bother me, right now I want 95% of him perfect rather than 100% but flawed. I haven't discussed that with DH yet, so I don't know how he feels, I think vino, a good chat and a cuddle are in order this weekend. Fortunately he is very busy with work, providing our Christmas dinners (and you may have seen him quoted in the Telegraph this Sunday, page 3 no less) so lots to keep him occupied and not brooding.

But enough about me, thank you so much for listening, I'll go off and catch up with you all x

Honsandrevels Wed 05-Dec-12 21:56:49

ZJ Lots of love to you. We're all here for you. It is great that he is being seen quickly. Not too long to wait which is just torture.

Wine, chatting and cuddles sound perfect. Could the dds spend the night with your in laws so you get a lie in?

I missed the article. Can you link?

ZuleikaJambiere Wed 05-Dec-12 23:07:20

Happy birthday to both Izz and NinaPD for tomorrow, I'm pleased to hear that Izz enjoyed her party.  And big happy birthdays (some a bit belated, sorry) to Summer, Vag, Jam and I think Pingu this week too.  Vag have you been to Barcelona yet?

Me, me, me - I want to come away with you all too!!!

Hi to WG and NJAN, I love this time of year, when lovely familiar faces pop up again to wish the nippers happy birthday.  NJAN you and DH sound to have found a lovely family balance, and great that DS is responding to SALT.  WG I'll come back to you later - plenty to say on that score!

Did you enjoy your cocktails on Saturday night Indith? And I hope you got a lie in on Sunday morning too, so you could make the most of it? And Beans on the tiles too - I hope a night out was a little bit of the tonic that you so deserve?  Your poor bum today

Have your family arrived yet Rubes

How is DD2s sleep after another couple of nights, Hons? Could you turf DD1 into your bed or somewhere, and you sleep in her bed for a couple of nights? When we started getting tough with DD1, she settled much easier when one of us slept in the spare bed that's in her room, and then we moved out of there after a few nights.  That shop - was it on Petergate, near the Christmas Angels toy shop? Called something that reminds me of potions? If so, it closed a year or so ago and is now a Neals Yard Pharmacy

I was sorry to miss you too ArtiAubi, but I'm glad it was 'only' morning sickness and not a sickness bug.  I hope it's passed now? These meetings are going to be every 2 or 3 months, so we can try again in the New Year, if you're not on maternity leave by then

LadyT DH and I would love to stay, thanks, I'm sure you'll be a wonderful host grin

Good for Mr Spot and his plan, my fingers are crossed that it works out.  For some reason your post made me think 'of this time next year Rodney ...', but I'm sure you and DP stand a much better chance of reaching millionaire status than the Trotters!

Your poor fish, and boys Kayz sad

Right WG back, as promised. Firstly, every 10 days/2 weeks is at it like rabbits, in comparison with DH and I.  Are your girls both reasonable sleepers, or are you still BF DD2? My DD2 is a year younger than yours, but BF and small child sleep patterns have wrecked my libido, although now I've stopped BF and got my periods back I'm hoping my hormones may get me back in the swing.  I also recoil from DHs touch, because I think that every sign of affection will lead to sex and I don't want that.  Although he promises he only wants a hug or a kiss, and I'm sure if I was more affectionate then a) DH would want less sex, because half the time he just wants affection and b) sex would follow happily for us both anyway because one thing leads to another.  No answers there for you - but it's not unusual.  Hopefully a peak will follow the trough very soon

On schools - I think it's very brave to send DD2 to a different school ArtiAubi, as following DD1 is the default, it's sounds like you've found the perfect place for her.  And Jump, this has made me think that maybe its more about the place and feel and community, at least at this young age, and that education should follow (with support) - community has definitely been the main driver in us choosing the village school for DD1

I saw my job share today, who's DD was born the same day as DD2. Would you believe that both our girls got their top 2 teeth through on the same day last week and both crawled for the first time yesterday. They are little twins!

Here's the link Hons - the irony of it being on page 3, titled 'ugly veg' and the current state of DHs meat and 2 veg hasn't been lost on us!

McKayz Thu 06-Dec-12 06:33:21

I need a moan. It's very trivial considering the other things happening in people's lives.

DD was up almost all night. She was up 5 times before 2:30 and then was awake until 4:15. Then I woke up at 5:15. I feel exhausted, my eyes hurt and I've got a headache.

We're meant to be going on the ferry tonight to Bruges. But the weather forecast is awful and we are really worried about getting stuck somewhere. We have to go onto the moors to drop the dog off at the kennels and then drive over the wolds to Hull. I don't want to get stuck in the car with DD. But I'd also like to go to Bruges and not lose the £150 we've spent.

Just feel like crying this morning which I'm sure is just the tiredness. sad

ZJ, I doubt you'll see this before work but what is the weather like with you?

Sorry for my boring whiny post. blush

ZuleikaJambiere Thu 06-Dec-12 07:25:24

I'm listening to local radio at the moment and there's not much being reported, road wise, so if you can stick to main roads it'll probably be ok. It was very icy coming home last night! I'll let you know when/if I get to work. Maybe the rocking ferry will soothe DD to sleep tonight, so you both catch up

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