Mumsnet Talk

I have a lovely husband and 3 healthy dc aged 7, 5 and 2. There is not a part of dh that wants another. But I would love to do it all again and am finding it hard to accept that this stage of my life is over. dh says I just love babies (of course I do!) and that I will always want another no matter how many I have. My 3 were all born by c-section which obviously affects the situation. There is no convincing him and lately he has started getting really annoyed and saying that I am pressuring him unfairly.

dh earns good money and I do not need to work. We live abraod due to dh's job. If we were in UK I would probably go back to work now and try to move on but because of where we are that is not possible. I feel he is being a bit unfair since it is because of his work that I cannot go back to work. I am trying to accept that I need to move on but I don't know what I am moving on to. My youngest is about to start playgroup - I know I should be pleased to have more time but I just feel sad that she is growing up so fast.

Part of me thinks, get a grip, you're lucky to have 3 dc. But then I see a little baby and...oh dear....

Has anyone else had this? How did you get over it?

I am afraid that I got to have ds3 by sulking - or more charitably maybe it was mild depression.

Whatever, I persuaded dh that he would be more unhappy that I was unhappy without a third child than he would be with a third child. (hope that makes some sense)

We only realised that I wanted another baby and he didn't shortly after ds2 was born. Things came to a head when ds2 was just over a year old. At the time I thought I could never have forgiven dh if we'd never had our third baby. But honestly, it wasn't going to break up the marriage or the family.

Dh was concerned that we would take a risk with a third (i was 39 when I had ds3 and had prev had c/s and 3rd degree tear so labours weren't straightforward). However, the deal was that this was definitely our last baby and I'd have an elective c/s so as not to risk a further tear.

Is your dh objecting to the fourth or fifth baby? Is it possible to persuade him that this would definitely be the last one? Can you honestly say that would be true? Can you reassure him that a fourth c/s would be OK?

I really do not think you should use any means at all to pressure your husband in to having a baby he doesn't want. How would you feel if it was the other way around?

Sulking to get a baby?

I have accepted it as I, and my baby, nearly died having the last one so there is no choice. Doesn't stop me wanting though.

I only have one. I find it very difficult to accept as I would dearly love more, but I can't.

Part of me feels envious that you have three, and thinks you should be grateful for what you have. Then I have to remember all the people who can't have any children who would be envious of me.

Maybe we should all just count our blessings. I am sure pining for your fourth hurts just as much as pining for your second - but we're not that badly off are we?

bosch, my dh also says that about risk - he feels that we have played the lottery 3 times and have 3 healthy kids so why can't we just leave it at that?

I expect I would feel the same as now even if I did have another, but as that would be the 4th c-section, I know that would really push me to the limit of safety. I have told dh this but he won't budge. He says he understands that I don't have so many choices regarding work, but that he would rather help me in that area rather than have another baby.

It's not going to break up our family. But I would love to have another while I am young enough and before there is a big age gap. I am 34 and dh is 35.

misselizabeth, that's what I mean, I AM of course grateful for what I have. But me not deciding to have another is not going to help people who can't have another.

Message withdrawn

you start doing lovely things as a family that you are unable to do with younger children .. give it a year or 2 and the freedom you will feel will be amazing

It is really really hard my Dh went off and got a vasectomy as soon as DC3 was born, i did have a major trantrum to get him to agree to number 4 but am still weighing up weather it is actually a good idea to go ahead anyway, I'll have my mind made up by September, I think I probably am going to stamp my feet and get my way though, sometimes that's just what you have to do.

I wonder if its a boy thing. I'd dearly love a 3rd (40 now in the rear view mirror so may not happen anyway), but DH is very anti and his main reason is risk, in fact he has used the same lottery line to me (several times!)

I can't bear the idea of not even trying, I know logically I'm very lucky and I should just get over it. Can only blame my hormones as both of mine have been --little buggers-- a challenge

Message withdrawn

What happened with number 4 ????

Message withdrawn

I feel very lucky that the overwhelming desire I had for more babies seems to have ended naturally after my third. I used to want more babies so much it hurt, but now that feeling just seems to have disappeared. I can't imagine how I would could if that feeling were still here.

sorry, that last sentence doesn't make sense.

cleversprout - i have to say i was naughty this time round. i'm having number 3 on friday before i fell pregnant i had approached dh with my NEED for another but he was having none of it. however we weren't using contraception due to breastfeeding and condoms. I was actively trying without him knowing

i've promised him this is the last but tbh i can't say that for sure. I'm only 21 and it seems wierd saying this is my last....who knows what happens, happens. I won;t take any form of female contraceptive so it;s all in his court. I don't belieive in abortion so if he makes a mistake this time, it;s all entirely his own fault

You don't accept it not even when your dh's letter comes from the hospital to say his vascetimy has been a complete success
I still watch pregnant women with [evny] A friend of mine has recently discovered she is pregnant with her 4th baby and I have hardly spoken to her since silly I know.
I have 5 beautiful happy boys and would gladly do it all over again at a drop of a hat.
Give him time and a bit of breathing space and talk about it again in the future

Message withdrawn

I am going through this too- my youngest is 5.
My body is telling me to have another one before I get too old (am 35).
I think it is nature playing with our minds!
My dh has had snip, I am saving (2k)for reversal- he doesn't know.

I don't know that you can accept it ... I have one and would love more but dh died whilst I was pregnant sadly. So I know that this is it, just the two of us, unless I do ever meet someone else at a time when it's right for me and while I'm still of an age to have more and assuming this mythical person wants them / more. Makes me more sad than I already am to know that this is probably it but I have decided to accept now that this is how things will be and if things change in the future that's great.

Doesn't mean that anyone out there shouldn't still want more even if they already have 2, 3, 4 or more, totally agree that someone else deciding not to have more will help me.

BUT I would say that there are so many other worse things in life that can happen. Of course this is important to you - but if it doesn't happen for you it may just be something you have to accept and try to be happy about rather than always pushing for and always regretting. Hope that makes sense.

I dont think the feeling ever passes, even me, who now has no means of getting pregnant (No ovaries or tubes) still longs for another 2.

We always wanted more, but the 2 we have are joyous and were very hard come by and I am counting my blessings in a forced kind of way.

I am lucky though DH would have a tribe if we could and is a great dad

And I keep lurking on ante- natal and baby name threads where previously always thought- yuck, boring, skip them.

I have finished with making babies. I have 3 wonderful healthy children and am 42. When I hit 40, I accepted that I would have no more children even though I had always wanted 4. Now, I am completely content with the fact that that part of my life is over.

Rivean, I completely understand what you are saying. It doesn't mean you don't love your daughter...we all know you love her dearly, it was just not the experience you expected.

I feel the same in a different way. I have 3 DS's who are all wonderful, but my first son was stillborn. I don't think I will ever feel that my family is complete because he isn't here. I do love having my boys and don't need to have another (we have a 14, 5 and 3 yr old) but I suppose I still have a little yearning....just a small one

Put it this way, I wouldn't be upset if I were to discover I was pregnant...DH on the other hand.....

Mind you, I need to actually see him to get pregnant don't I

No easy answer, but my advice would be:

Make some really specific plans for things that you can enjoy as a family but which you couldnt do with a new baby. Maybe a special holiday, or a project - something that makes you feel 'Yes, my baby days are gone, but we're moving into an exciting new phase'.

If possible, get back to work, or do voluntary work in some sphere. It's about building some structure into your day to day life that is about YOU so that you stop focusing on another baby.

Your DH is probably right - if you are a 'baby' person, then you would probably feel like this no matter how many you have.