Mumsnet Talk

Not sure where to post this but my daughter is four at the end of the month. She is obsessed with having a party and has been for ages. (I think she takes after her grandmother who is a bit of a party animal - very unlike me)! Anyway, we moved a few months ago and she is at a new-ish nursery. Apart from friendly hello's I don't know the other Mums and Dads. I have invited her entire nursery class to her party (about 18 kids) ... and (as yet at least) no response. Why do you think this is? Is it because I don't know the Mums/Dads? Something else? I will be pretty devastated for my DD if none of her nursery friends come, and feel as though it's my fault ... but have no idea why and/or what to do! Has anyone got any thoughts? How do I make this OK for my DD? This issue is currently significantly the most stressful issue in my life, despite money/job etc worries! Thanks in advance!

when did you give out the invitations?

When is the party? Some of ds's friends send invites 2 or 3 months in advance, which is too early for me to know whether we can attend or not. I usually reply 3 or 4 weeks before.

How long to go until the party?

Can you ask people when you bump into them? "Oh hello, did you get the invitation? Just wondering about numbers because so far no one's replied..."

When did you send the invites and did you put a deadline for responding? If you only sent them out a few days ago, given the party is not until the end of the month I would presume that most just haven't got round to responding but are probably meaning to at some point. You will always get a few though that don't bother responding and either turn up unexpected or don't turn up at all.

If it's not till the end of the month, then there is still loads of time for them to reply!

You could ask the teacher what the situation generally is regarding party etiquette. (Here, Italy, you invite the whole class, no-one ever replies, so you invite other people "just in case" and end up with 37 kids!)

Replies will come late. Some won't come because mums don't know each other. Bulk up numbers with family friends just in case.

Did you hand out the invites or ask nursery to? I only say, because one of DD's classmates had an awkward situation recently where the mum could not understand why no one was replying to her DS's invitation.... until we realised that none of them had been handed out in bookbags or to the parents and were sitting in a neat pile on a shelf in the classroom!!!! There had been a breakdown of communication - the mum thought the teacher would put them in each child's drawer for taking home, and the teacher thought the mum was doing it....

How long since you handed out the invites? From experience people often take a little while to reply whilst they check arrangements/link up for lifts or whatever it might happen to be.

How did you hand out the invites? Did you give them to the nursery teacher to hand them out or did you put them in the bags? How long ago did you give out the invites? If it's been more than a week and you've not had a single RSVP (assuming you did sensible things like put your mobile number and email address on the invites to make RSVPing easier) then I'd check they had been recieved - if I couldn't (or just didn't want to) take DS to a party, i'd make my mind up not to go early and RSVP no straight away.

If you are sure they have recieved the invites and you've given it enough time to get RSVPs, you need a back up plan, do you have any other friends with DCs a similar age you can invite to the party? Anyone from your old area who'd travel for it? Get them invited, if there's a room full of people, your DD won't feel so bad about her nursery friends not coming to the party.

Wow, lots of replies, thanks so much. The invitations only went out earlier this week and the party is not until the end of the month, so perhaps it is a bit too early to panic! Would you go to a kid's party where you don't know the parents? My sisters seems to think that this could be an issue, as before school that is the deciding factor. I just don't know!

Sorry, cross posted there with a lot of sensible thoughts!

Some people have forgotten / lost the invite.

Some people are ignorant and won't reply / won't tell you and their kids will show up or vice versa.

Some people are busy.

Yes. If I knew the kid was new I'd probably make an extra effort to go.

You'll probably find you'll get a lot of RSVPs either on Sunday via e-mail/text (when people have the "DS/DD's been invited to a party on X day, can you check we've got nothing on that day?" conversations) or on Monday morning. Family admin gets done on a weekend at our house.

I would imagine lots of people would try to come in an attempt to get to know more people. I know I would.

It might take me a while to reply though as I sorted out arrangements for other dcs, lifts, other arrangements etc.

You could ask nursery to politely chase it up a week before the party if you don't see the parents yourself.

There will always be some who turn up without replying and some who don't without replying though.

I would back up with any friends and family you have locally if you are worried.

Maybe Mumsnet could provide a few guests too if you don't have friends and family of appropriate ages nearby.

0017, if invites only went out earlier this week then it really is too early to panic.

Re going to a party when you don't know the parents, I would go if it was DD's nursery as I don't necessarily know all the parents but I see the kids every day and know DD enjoys being at nursery.

If it were my DD's party she would also be pestering her friends/making unreasonable plans about what they are going to do at the party together

My dd1 (5) is currently planning her sister's 3rd birthday (we are having a family party at home) She has invited her whole reception class, planned a bouncy castle, extravagant craft, a dj, dancing competition and enough sweet food to sink a battleship!

Maybe encourage her to talk to her friends about it; they will hopefully then pester their parents

Thanks everybody so much for your really reassuring replies and for not telling me that I'm being completely ridiculous (or at least, in a nice way). If I have heard nothing in ten days or so I may come back ... and panic!

I must admit this sort of thing forces me to deal with my own issues. Although I am fairly confident in lots of areas, I have a total blind spot when it comes to social things like this. I don't think I have ever had a party for fear that nobody would come. Pathetic I know - and I don't want to pass these insecurities on to my DD.

Parents are always absolutely delighted when their children are invited to parties. It makes their kids feel happy and helps the parents know their children are liked/making friends. Think how you feel when/if your child gets a party invite? How lovely of you to invite the whole class.

Going to parties is a lovely way to meet parents of your kids friends. Most people don't know each other -

Do follow up the invites with a simple - just checking you got the invite, I'd hate for you to think you weren't invited or something like that. People are very lazy rsvp'ing (myself included).

did you/your daughter or school hand the invites out? I know at my DC school they hand the invites to the teachers who then will put them in the childrens tray - not always on the same day and as Loony states, get your child involved asking/reminding her friends. Also, if at drop off/pick up your child is talking to a friend, ask them then, they usually go and ask mum right there and then and gives you then the oppurtunity to talk to mums

Too early, don't panic until you've got less than 6 days to go.

Hello - daytoday, you are right, I am always delighted when DD is given a party invite! Unfortunately it doesn't happen very often although there have been several occasions where party invites are handed out to others and there isn't one for her. That breaks my heart and again I wonder whether it's something to do with me/that I don't know the Mum's/or something to do with her, but can hardly contemplate that or imagine what that would be (she's very sociable and easy going, I think)! Anyway, that's a big factor behind me inviting the whole class. Couldn't bear anyone to feel left out.

My dd has just had her first 'nursery' party invite earlier this week. I'm hugely, unreasonably delighted as though she has been to plenty of birthday parties this is the first where she's been invited off her own bat, as it were, rather than because I know the parents. Even so, I only got round to checking the calendar yesterday evening and need to double-check with DH when he gets back from work this evening - so will probably text reply tonight or tomorrow.

Given which - I think you're jumping the gun! If no replies within two weeks, that's different, but give people a chance

Id love to get an invite to a nursery party. Ds only started last sept and hasnt got one yet.

He is only 3 and he tells everyone about this girl in his class and says shes his best friend, its really sweet. But last week it was her 4th bday and when i went to collect ds, the 'best friend' and a few others were hoping into her mums car. She was having a party and My ds wasnt invited I was nearly crying at the gates when i saw. Ds didnt cop it thank god, he just thought the cake they had in class for her was her party. I was really upset wondering why he didnt et an invite but sure that is life..

I don't think all parents are delighted when their child gets invited to
parties. My dd gets invited to a lot of parties and here ( in Egypt) people go two hours late, parents must attend and stay all day. She always seems to get invites on weekends we are away and can't go, then we have to listen to her complain all weekend about missing a party!
However, when I am at home and she gets party invites, I am happy - either I get to visit with my friends ( moms of birthday kid) or i get two hours to myself.
Lots of people just don't RSVP, but will show up. I would make sure you have lots of goody bags on hand just in case.