Mumsnet Talk

and if you are not close to them and would rather not tell them?

we have one dd atm and haave talked abut haaving another, but we have always been very happy with one and planned to have just one

Not sure why you can't just say no tbh. But could you try "You know, I'd never given it any thought" and change the subject?

you tell them to mind their own business

your fertility is no-one else's concern

I'm long past that stage <<elderly>> but I used to give them a glare meaningful look and say "well at my age I'm lucky to have one". Somewhat to my chagrin, nobody ever contradicted me.

"Not this week," worked well for me, and is a polite non-answer.

I just say "no". When they say "oh, but you will..." I say, "Ok, we'll see". We have one nearly 1 year old DS and want just 1 child. No one seems to get this. It makes me a bit bonkers.

I say "We're not, amazingly happy with the daughter we have, so no more for us!" and if they say "you will change your mind" I just say "No, I won't actually". I say it in a nice way because I am comfortable with my decision and happy to share it with people, but not happy with them patronising me "ooh, you just wait...you will be next" or "You will be broody soon, mark my words" On the other hand I have had lots of positive comments too, which maybe reflects how I feel about our family.

not this week or we'll see will work, thanks

nightshoe if i said that to a certain aunt she would just carry on going on and on as to why i should have more and would just nd up winding me up.

I usually say 'you're kidding right? I had this one at 40 and he took 2 years to create. Do you think I want another one at 43?!?!?!'

And if they keep on? I start to list my health issues:

Diabetes
Fibromyalgia
Depression
Anxiety
Agoraphobia

Usually by the time I get to the Depression, they shut up. But not always.

Since before getting pregnant I had many talks from MIL and SILs about having a baby before I'm too old (I'm 26 and had DD 6 months ago!). I now get talks from the whole family (it is HUGE) about not leaving it too long so there's not too big an age gap

I love being a mum more than I thought, but there is no way that any time in the foreseeable future we will be having another because
a. its bloody hard work
b. we can't afford to

I hate the bloody topic!

Agree that it is noone's business but your own, at the same time, understanding that as it is your aunt that is asking, you need some tactful answer to shut her up so you don't go overboard in a bad moment and give her what-for!

How about an oscar winning regretful expression, slight-biting of lip sort of thing as though to convey 'we'd love to but there is a Good Reason Why Not and I'll Cry If You Push Me To Explain'?

Or in a similarly regretful tone, 'sometimes we just don't understand why things don't always happen the way we may wish.....' <<<<<glancing at floor as though to hold back the flood of tears>>>>>

I say "No. One's enough for us". Used to do the same as madbad, but also never ever managed to elicit a response of "surely you're only 26" so gave up.

<<hugs madbad in elderly, empathetic way>>

Should add that in my 20s I was at the point where if sterilisation was possible by laser (ie not involving an anaesthetic as I was phobic about it) then I would have been. No question.

Then we changed our minds and Dd was born just after my 36th birthday. Same husband, just a long gap (10 years between second and third children.)

Was quite amused when the kitchen planner lady at Homebase looked at the baby in the carrier I was wearing and asked me if we would have another.

He's our grandson and I'm 47........ well could squeeze another in before I'm 50. If it wasn't for the snip dh had and the mirena in situ.

<<Hugs Squeaver as much as her sciatica will permit>>

This kind of dilemma is often discussed in the tea room. Please drop in - there's usually some Bolly on offer at this time of night.

I really hate people asking me this, it's usually colleagues, neighbours and DH's family. No matter what I say, they keep on at me and give me 'knowing' looks. It's irritating!

The support comes from my own family. In fact, my mum told me she was perfectly happy with me, but it was other people's comments that made her try for my little sis, whom my mum loves but I dont! These people told my mum I would be lonely, but I dont talk to my sister and she lives abroad. Not lonely at all.

it's worse because my DH says he would like another. I dont know if this is because of pressure from his mother, or because he's unkindly forgotten what a horrible pregnancy/first year of motherhood I had.

I'm glad for this place because it helps me to feel less guilty and to see that I am not alone.

I don't really belong on this forum, but I get asked if I'm having any more children even though I'm 42 and I have 3 children. The difference is that if I were to say 'yes' they'd say I was 'mad' or 'brave' (the standard words for having more than two).

So having more children wouldn't stop people from asking this question and I think mostly they're just making conversation and aren't really that interested in the answer.

(pointing to dd) "how could I improve on perfection?"
Then I'd say I was actually 74 but aging remarkably well.
Then I'd ask her if she was.
Then, if she already had more than one, I'd ask her "Oh my God!!! You have how many children????" (in wildly shocked voice)

A propos Bucharest's last suggestion, pretending to be a lentil weaver concerned about world over-population may be the way to go .....

DH tries for 'we just can't afford the carbon offsetting for another child' as a first distraction to those asking. It often works well

I would sometimes say "only if I meet the right man" (usually to MIL to shut her up).

Actually, I did once say "Yeah, this one's a pain; I'll send her back".

I have three and I get asked this all the time.

I do ask people, too. Its really just a way of making conversation, but actually, I am interested in people not wanting more. I know several families who intentionally have only one child, and often the reasons for sticking at one are very interesting. They are concerned about global overpopulation, or the want to travel, or whatever. I am really asking whether people want more kids, I am not angling for people to say, "yes, I'd like exactly the same number as you".

Very different of course to be pressurised into having another, or patronised-that is just rude.

I agree, Fillyjonk, that the reasons why people make the decisions they do about how many children they have can be very interesting. When I was a teenager, I was adamant that I would never have children. I then thought that, in the strictly hypothetical situation that I had children, I would have four. I then read about about overpopulation and global poverty and decided that I would have two. I ended up with one.

But I think the difficulty - and in hindsight I wonder how often I have blundered into this in the past - is that there are quite a number of people for whom that decision about how many children to have is pretty irrelevant because health/fate/circumstances dictate otherwise. For those people, asking them how many children they want may be intrusive and painful.

This question always stirs up panful emotions for me but I know a lot of people are just making converstion really.

I answer as truthfully as possible without going into too much detail. Something like ' "We can't have any more" and leave it at that. The details of my fertility issues are not something I want to discuss.

This answer does tend to get a slightly surprised/shocked facial expresion though it is often coverd up quickly. I think the majority of people who have more than one child don't understand the secondary infertility thing or just don't realise it exists.

For those who chose one this is obviously not the answer you would give!

i know I have sometimes in the past made jokey "are you mad?" type comments when good friends have 3 or 4 children and are pregnant again but in reality I think it is a lovely thing to do, to have lots of children. The comment is just a joke and in no way a judgement on having lots of children. In fact I am envious of larger families most of the time.

So I generally try to remember that a lot of people don't mean much by this sort of question.

this question gets on my nerves. I don't like being asked this beacause I'd love to be pregnant again but can't seem to fall pregnant for whatever reason. It's almost like a dig. People should ask questions about the weather and hols, it's less intrusive!!