Mumsnet Talk

I have a DD, she is the best thing to ever happen to me and would love more but due to fertility issues it's not likely!

as bad as this makes me feel it's been made ever worse by DD asking for a baby brother or sister and quite frankly I just don't know how to answer her, my line so far has been 'some families just have one child' but this is has not stopped her asking.....

not sure why I'm posting really..... advice, reassurance, help, I dunno something to help me not feel so bad

DD is only 4 so can't really go into the truth, just never thought it would be this hard!!!

Why not say something like 'I'd really like it too, but some Mummys have trouble having babies because their bodies don't always work the way we want them to. If it works out and another baby comes, that will be wonderful and we'll be happy. But if Mummy's body can't do it, then that will be OK too. There are lots of families with one child'.

OP - think you are being over-sensitive to your dd's comments. Don't worry about it (as much as that is possible).

Realise I've assumed that the fertility problems are yours, which may not be the case. My apologies.

No need to provide too much detail to your dd, just adjust my suggestion (if you like it) to fit your situation. And obviously, words things in a way so you don't 'blame' yourself or partner for the fertility 'problem'.

as I stated in post, I already feel bad that I can't have another child,
yes the problem is with me & no to 'if Mummy's body can't do it, then that will be OK too' because I want another child (not just for my DD) it just can't happen!

so I think I'm looking for people who can't have any more children for advise/help as I don't fit into the infertility/conception boards I'm at a lost to where to go really....

sorry that post sounds really 'sharp' with u but it's not the case, I'm having a really bad day, getting angry with my situation & have no one to talk to

ds used to ask for a little brother quite a lot. He even had an imaginary baby brother at one stage - I had to put a cereal bowl out for him with the same amount of breakfast. (When we got home from toddler club, ds would eat it up as the brother obviously didn't want it.) I used to listen to him and explain that it was very unlikely. He seems OK with it - now 8 and understands he's not going to get a sibling. (We didn't actively decide against - I would have loved another - but various bad luck stuff such as dh being ill and losing his job meant it was never the right time.)

I have just the one DD. Second time round for my DH, and I was 40 when I had her so never really considered having more.

I gets swathes of guilt about it, but assure myself that there are millions of happy people who were/are only children and that I shoiuld count my blessings.

I wouldn't get too stressed about what your DD says, but you sound like you need to come to terms with it yourself. Have you considered counselling.

(there's a phrase I never thought I would type )

I think earlybird's answer is a good one, if you reword it. I have a combination of personal decision and medical reasons which led to the decision and when/if my son asks I will say something like "Some mummy's can't have more than one baby. It makes them a bit sad, but they are so so lucky and happy to have you!"

And I also agree with danceswithwolves. You would probably benefit from some counselling.

Ur so right DancesWithWolves I've not come to terms with it, Its not so much about my DD asking for a baby but the fact that I'm struggling with the idea of her being an only child/can't have any more

the fact that she's asking is just another blow to my heart, I don't think it can take much more of this heart ache!

hope I've posted in the right place, my intentions was never to upset anyone or make them feel bad, just don't know where to go....

and yes I'm currently having counselling (something I ever thought I'd have to have!) but it's just not working for me...

I am the mother of one, and I tried for many months to have another (using fertility treatments). I miscarried, and was then deemed 'too old' to try for more unless I could use an egg donor (which I didn't pursue).

So, i understand your sadness and frustration.

But, as I was going through a serious of fertility-oriented osteopath appointments, I was given a bit of wise advice. The consultant said he spent a great deal of time trying to help women get their bodies ready to conceive. Many of the women already had children, and were hoping for more. He advised that I do everything I could to help my body for a period of time, but that I would be wise to pick a stopping place if it hadn't happened. He said it can become almost an obsession for some women, and that their desire for a child was sometimes so strong that it somewhat over-shadowed their ability to enjoy the child(ten) they did have.

Some may think he over-stepped the mark with those words. But for me, it was wise advise. Things didn't work out for me to have another child, and I was hugely sad and upset at the time. Yes, I get a still get a slight twinge whenever dd talks about wanting a sibling but I also reached a place of acceptance (a while ago), and do not live my/our lives as if something/someone is missing. I am at peace with our family.

If you don't think you will be able to (eventually) reach a similar place, you could look into adoption. Many come to adoption following experiences like yours and mine.

Good luck.

Tee2072 that's a good responce! think a 4 year old will understand that?
I do baby her but she's also very grown up and understands quite a lot!

child(ren)

I count every second I spend with my DD as a blessing & make sure she knows how special she is, I've been trying for over 3 years for another child with medical help, I'm young and just can't get passed 'what if, anything could happen' phase

I just don't know where to turn really, I have no family around me who I can talk to and DP is of the mind 'what will be will be'

seriously tho how do I come to terms with having just 1 child?

I know this whole thread is a very me,me,me post but I just need help....

I think so, cheeky. And if she doesn't, she'll probably ask more questions and you can maybe expand a little bit? Not necessarily go into all the details of your medical problems, but just keep reiterating it's not to be?

The really tricky ones are the completely strangers who ask when you're having another one. I've taken to saying 'Never. But thanks for being rude and nosy."

OMG I've had people make me cry in the streets before asking will I have another, even had someone literally run up behind me 2 years ago when I was shopping (DD was sitting in a trolly and I was pushing her pram asking 'oh is this the new one?!' not something I want to hear 14 months after a very public stillborn!

I actually reported a checkout person at Tesco to corporate because every time she saw me she would say 'time for another one.'

I haven't seen her working the tills since then. No idea if they changed her location or fired her. Either way I hope it got her to think about her conversations with people.

oh good on u Tee2072 !!

Medical reasons for me. DD is a straight surrogate baby, she's always known this and understood my "tummy was broken" so I couldn't have babies and that we were really lucky to have been given her.
Used to upset me though, within a space o f 2yrs, 3 of her friend group had baby brothers, the other 2 were the younger sibling. I used to feel such a failure. We did try for no 2 for a while, didn't work and I had to call a stop to it as we had to have the surrogate and her son stay with us every month, I just couldn't deal with it. I don't think I've told her that actually

To answer your original question - both. We overcame the medical issues to have our dd and possibly could have overcome them again to have a second child, but (frankly) we felt so fortunate to have dd that it felt unnecessary and greedy (and potentially emotionally draining) to try (and possibly fail) to have another baby. So we made a choice, of sorts, to stop at one.

I found this article in yesterday's Guardian very interesting. Even if you don't agree with it, there's plenty of food for thought. Professional counselling may be helpful and, if you just want to chat, the tea room here is always open.

sniffing babies heads & gazed longingly into prams! yeah that is me!

I so understand how you feel, cheeky curls. I have spent today in tears, having met a friend this morning who told me she's pregnant with her fourth, have another friend who had her first dd the same time as me and is now expecting her third, and another friend just had her second.

My dd is 4 and we are so lucky to have her as she's the result of IVF, born when dp and I were both 42. We had a difficult time with her as a baby (chronic reflux), which meant I couldn't face going through it again for some time, but then we did try IVF again, once, when dd was 2. It didn't work, and, partly due to the cost and partly due to other issues (our relationship was not, and still isn't, in a good place). we didn't continue to try. I was also quite anxious that my age meant a higher risk of having a child with disabilities - which was not an issue for me as a parent, but did concern me that dd may end up in the future with the responsibilities not only of elderly parents, but also a disabled sibling, at a young age herself.

But - my heart breaks for the children I will never have, and the sibling(s) dd will never have. I hate having to smile and tell her about someone's mummy having a baby in their tummy, dreading being asked when will I have one (I found Tee2072's answer above really helpful, by the way - our infertility was mainly due to dp, but that answer sort of swerves having to explain that at the moment, without having to pretend that it was my tummy that didn't work).

I'm so sorry I can't help, I really have been so upset today about this myself too - I just wanted to say you're not alone [hugs]

I feel so guilty about all this, as I know a lot of people out there (for medical reasons can't have any more babies and are very lucky to have the ones they have) for me there is no medical reasons (unexplained infertility) but still hurts and i'm at a loss of what to do

theliverpoolone 'my heart breaks for the children I will never have' every month I morn the child that could/should have been

I don't know if it helps a little, but I'm on the other end of this - I'm an only child whose parents couldn't have more (mum had blocked fallopian tubes, ectopic pregnancy etc, I was a lucky accident after 12 years of trying!).

It always felt really nice to know what a wanted child I was and made me feel a little bit 'special' IYKWIM.

I am also very happy that I was an only child in a happy loving family when I compare to some of my friends' experiences in childhood (not related to their having siblings, but so many children suffer from parents' health issues, poverty, unhappy marriages). So I would never wish for siblings because that would mean having come from a different family and who could tell what that would have been like - does that make sense (probably not!)?

I have an one DS, not b choice as second pg ended horribly and I could have died as a result. So I basically never had the strengt of mind to try again, I was older at 40 as well.

I do work with "young people" 18 up and I must admit a lot of the students I workwith when I find out are only children are some of the nicest I have ever met. They seem more mature for their age and more willing to interact with me easily as an older person. I do find a lot of comfort in that.

It's hard to accept but I can walk down the baby aisle in Tesco now and even enjoyed buying a baby outfit for a new niece last year.

I only have one DD also 4. She is an ICSI baby. We had FET but I lost both babies. I am nearly 41 and there is no way we can afford to try again apart from my age. DD keeps asking for a sibling. She even asked Santa for one because Santa can do anything..................

I have just told her (many many times!!!)That the bits of mummy that make babies don't work very well (Actually our problems are male factor but hey..) and that we were very lucky because a special doctor managed to help us have her but sadly although they have tried to help us have another baby they just can't.

It breaks my heart to be honest. She does not know any other only children although that may change when she goes to school. I still have not reached the place where I can accept it and we keep trying for a natural miracle although deep down I know it can't happen.

I have no advice for you I guess, but you are not alone and I sympathise totally.