Mumsnet Talk

Well person really, rather than 'people'

We know a couple (DH's friend and wife) who have just had their second child. A while back, when her first was a baby, she told me she was going to have another, and asked if I was. I said 'no' but didn't expand on this (so she has no clue if this is through choice or medical reasons). When I said 'no', she said she thought that was cruel, as my child would have no sibling playmates. She said that although she would rather just have one child, she was having another specifically to benefit her first child.

Her choice - I wouldn't dream of commenting or judging this.

She's said similar various times now. Yesterday we visited the new baby. Her mother was there, and asked me if I was having another. I said that I wasn't. She (the new mum) then proceeded to say she wouldn't have dreamed of stopping at one, as the child would have no playmates and would be very lonely etc etc.

Why oh why are people so darn rude and insensitive?

More to the point though, do any of you have good replies to people who say stuff like this??

You could say with a beaming smile - one is enough, you can't improve on perfection!
This usually draws an end to such conversations, as the other person doesn't know whether you are being facetious or not.

If someone I know asks me more than once I tell them exactly why I am not having another one, which has to do with my health and age.

I go on and on about my medical issues, about how my son was a bit of a miracle about how I am 42.

I keep going on until their eyes glaze over.

If it's a stranger I just raised my eyebrows and say 'no, only one.' One check out girl at Tesco was so persistent in insisting that I must have another one I reported her to management.

My dh says he can't afford the carbon offsetting for another child . If people keep on at me, I tell them about my mcs and ask them how many more they think I should have.

My bosses wife (who was childfree by choice) perfected a beautiful line where she sighed, dropped her eyes, and said 'It doesn't seem to be gods plan for me' with the air of someone being very brave and on the edge of tears, which had a 100% enquiry stop rate

Oh, I like that one CMOT! Maybe I'll use it next time.

Lol at some of the suggestions! Some good ideas there

Tee at the Tesco girl!

I used to favour the 'can't improve on perfection' type of response, although I have sometimes had to bite my tongue to avoid going down the 'can't afford the carbon offsetting/what? bring another child into an already overcrowded planet? [eyeing your tribe of children and humungous people-carrier]' route.

Tee's approach (and Cmot's colleague's wife's) are great if you are comfortable with that level of (mock) disclosure.

Sometimes I will use the line "well, babies don't always happen when you want them too." Other times I go for " why would I want to go through all THAT again" . or" It wasn't straightforward getting this one alive into the world" ....

I am actually mum of one by choice but all those statements ARE true for me and DH.

'medical issues - do you want to hear about them ?' - usually shuts up the questioning

I have used a similar line in the past and said (with a sigh) "It would just be my luck to get devil-child as a second and I'm just not prepared to take that chance" - most people couldn't work out whether I was serious or not.

Most of the time now I just mumble something about medical reasons and move on - I get a bit fed up of justifying what I feel is a very personal decision to complete strangers (and MIL).

I don't know if I would do, it but I would LOVE to think I'd call someone on this. The old 'that was incredibly rude, did you mean it to be?' line. Cos it really is none of anyone's damn business how many children you have, and why.

However my MYOB vibe is such that only one person has even attempted the mildest 'oh, you should have another' with me, let alone anything more outrageous.

Sometimes people just are not aware of the effect of their words. I have a wonderful 9 year old son. My only child.

Today my sister (who has 2 children) was talking to me about the Maddy McCann book. She said, if I just had one child and something happened to it I'd definitely kill myself - as you'd only go on for your others.......And once again I'm sitting on the other end of the phone simply lost for words.

"some of us get it right first time" said with a cheeky

I reckon I've got that MYOB vibe too - I never got intrusive comments about whether I was going to have kids before I had DD, or about whether I would be having more. But then again, onlies seem commoner than multiples in our neighbourhood and they were about 50% in DDs primary class so I didn't come across many people for whom it was an isshoo

I just say I couldn't have any more. It happens to be true, but it shuts people up. Although, I don't actually get rude remarks because I had DD at 41 and she is 11 now - I am way past childbearing these days anyway.

that they re having a second child for the sake of the first child is the weirdest thing anyone has said to me !!!

I just say "Yes" to "have you just got the one?".

No one seems to ask further questions so I obviously set my face in a discouraging expression when I say it.

I did do the "Did you mean that to sound so hurtful?" once, when my sister was going on about how she didn't want her DC to be the only DC at her funeral.

Only wanted one - I'm an only child and all my friends when I was a kid fought with their siblings all the time. Didn't want to put her through that. And only kids are less competitive and possessive, they don't mind sharing when they have it to themselves the rest of the time. (All these ludicrous statements have been 'proved' by research)

I was asked just last week....and i quote:
"Did you not fancy having any more then?"
4 days after having mc number 6

We were told by ds's teacher that ds had "only child syndrome"

I just say that we cant have any more. If they ask i tell um...."6 mcs mate, it aint gonna happen"

"that they're having a second child for the sake of the first child is the weirdest thing anyone has said to me"

I don't think that's weird at all. I wanted another one to keep DD company. She hates being on her own and always wants someone to play with. We visited Warkworth castle today and she kept saying she had no-one to play with in the castle (it is a brilliant ruin to play hide and seek in).

I knew when our daughter was about 2 that I didn't want any more, emotionally and financially we just couldn't have more.

Just before I left work to have my sterilisation op, a colleague said to me stuff like 'no 2 kids are the same....' as if that was going to change my mind!

I hate this as everyone we currently know is in process of having no.2 or no.3 so virtually every place we go I get comments on this subject. It makes me terribly sad as I don't think they realise how stressful the subject is, can't due other serious medical problems that aren't obvious to others. Not good as DH obviously resents illness and lack of another baby (occasionally feel he even blames me for this )
I tend to just say I can't and walk away from the conversation or occasionally depending on my mood say well I've you're going to give me another one I'll gratefully accept a spare newborn but until then...

Bunbaker friends surely are the answer to that one? Certainly my dd has never wanted a younger sibling to play with, and I had one who I fought with constantly rather than played with!

DD does have friends to play with, but not 24/7. There are a few hours on most days where she is on her own, and she hates being on her own.

Does your dd not appreciate you as a playmate though?