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It has been wonderful speaking to you all, I am sorry that I wasnt able to get through all of your questions- its amazing how fast an hour goes by! Best of luck with the very important task of learning how to take care of your own needs while taking care of everyone elses, after all this is a skill that every mum should master for everyone's sake...
Well the hour's up now....that went quick. Thanks to Dr Linda for visiting Mumsnet. We hope you found it useful and we're sorry that Linda was unable to answer all your questions.
The easier you make it it for others to avoid pulling their own weight the more they will rely on you. Ensure that you stick to clear boundaries about who is responsible for doing what and make a point of not cleaning up other peoples messes- no matter how much you want to- Talk about what your expectations of each other are and if possible have consequences for those who dont pull their weight- eventually they will get the message.
As a mum myself I genuinely believe that guilt, at least to some extent, goes along with the territory. However what helps is being able to look at the "shoulds" and "have to's" that elicit the guilt. Many times they come from our upbringing or from the media or even from other moms. And that is why what you should be asking yourself is "is the thing that I am worried about important to me as an individual or have I bought into someone else's issues". The more you are able to find a balance that feels right for you, the more you will be able to cope with the guilt, and get the personal time you deserve.
I am a huge fan of Dr Linda's she is one of the only genuine media psychologist we have on radio and TV a shining example of goodness and kindness and a real vocation for helping others. I found what "MOONDOG" wrote completely offensive and it struck me that someone full of misinformed rubbish that she seems to be full of is ineed of some help.
Dr Linda carry on with your tv and media work its always so refreshing to hear your words of wisdom .
Dear Worstmotherintheworld (now there's a scary nick name!)
I think the diffrence between women of our generation as compared to those of a few decades ago is the fact that we need to occupy so many more roles today, and we feel that we have to live up to unrelistic representations of perfection that are far too often projected by the media. So whereas the 1950's housewife might have felt tired at raising the kids and doing the housework, we feel the tiredness but added on to that the guilt of not getting back into our size six jeans 10 minutes after we give birth, not having the time to divulge the complete baby Einstein curriculum to our new born every morning and not being able to juggle that high powered job that is supposed to give us all that self esteem! On top of that of course is the fact that our grandmothers where much more likely to live near family and friends that could support them, the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" couldn' t be more true- these days of course we tend to live further away from where we were born, thus limiting the traditional support we would have had from family. Hope this makes you feel a bit better!
It sounds like you are going through a really hard time and that you feel very alone. I think the first point is to ensure that your partner takes some responsibility for his codition, that means getting the right type of professional support- you are his partner not his therapist and it is important for both of you that he is able to address his depression. With regard to your daughter, many children take a while to speak but if it is worrying you why dont you try speaking to your doctor about it or asking for a referral to a paedeatrician- this will hopefully make you feel more in control of the situation. Finally, it is vital that you take care of yourself- if you can enlist the help of family or friends to help out with the baby while you spend a little time each week doing something that is just for you and totally relaxes you that would be great. If they are not available look out for mother and baby groups in your area that you can join, making links with other moms means that you can work together to give each other a break when you need it.
Perhaps its about having a list that is flexible enough to adapt to your life as your life changes. So instead of always having to put yourself after baby, husband, work etc. it may be the case that you take each day at a time and look at which needs are nost pressing- this of course means that you need to acknowledge that your needs are just as important as your loved ones something that unfortunately, a lot of women find hard to do.
If you feel guilty look at it like this: if you burn your self out because you come so low down the bottom of your list of priorities than this will have an impact on everyone you love and who loves you. I get not being able to unwind for just 10 minutes, but it is so important that you learn to delegate, ask and accept help when its ofered so that you can ensure that you get at least some time each day for yourself. Challenge the idea that you need to have a perfectly clean house or that all the ironing needs to be done at once and prioritize those things that will give you the satisfaction and emotional energy to deal with the demands of rasing a family.
Hope this helps
When you are a very efficient and organised person (like me ) how do you get over the fact that other less efficient and organised people see you as fair game for picking up the slack in their lives?
A great way to ensure that you make time for romanace is to actually make a point of making time for it! I know that is easier said than done however so a great tip is to start by having a night a week that is your 'date night'. That means no TV once the kids go to bed; having a meal and some quality chat time together puting on some music (always a great way to get in the mood ) and the rest should follow naturally. The point is that like anything in life, you will get out of your relationship what you put into it, and you deserve to feel like a woman as well as a mum.
I'd really like some tips on how to 'switch off' from all of the demands of motherhood. I have 3 boys, the eldest just turned 5 and started school this term, and the younger ones are almost 3 and 1 year.
I'm a full time mum and love it, but am finding that it's very difficult to give my husband the time and attention he deserves, mainly in the [ahem] bedroom department . Apart from being completely knackered by bedtime, I also find that I can't stop my mind running over and over all the things I have been doing / should be doing / will be doing tomorrow etc which kind of gets in the way of any, erm, intimacy as it were.... My poor hubby is, I think, getting a little frustrated. I can't even get into a good snog without clamming up cos I start worrying about the ironing basket, or the fact that my son hasn't eaten his packed lunch for the 3rd day running, or listening out to see if the baby's cough is better...... the list is endless!
I need to sort this out before it becomes a big problem. It's already starting to get me down . Any suggestions?
How do you stop yourself from feeling guilty taking some me time when (if) you ever get any time you know there are 101 things that need doing that you won't get a chance to do if you take the me time-iyswim?
especially when your dd, almost 15 months has huge tantrums when not giving her 100% of your attention and has not been left with anyone else (partly due to circumstance)-dp and I had our first evening out last night since she was born (my first evening out!)
my dp works so hard and as i'm a sahm i feel guilty asking for help as this is 'my job'.
plus 5 or 10 mins wouldn't be enough as i wouldn't even be able to wind down and clear my mind of things that need doing in that time!!!! and definately not relax!
as i'm typing dd was crying as i wasn't giving her full attention so now i'm nursing her!!!
Hi Linda, I have a dd of 18months who is very demanding, she has not started talking yet, not 1 word and has terrible tantrums. I think these tantrums are to so with her not being able to communicate what she wants. She has little understanding of simple tasks like bring me you shoes etc. My partner is suffering with depression which i find very difficult as i take the brunt of his moods. I cannot get any free time away from either of them as my partner cannot be trusted to look after dd with the current frame of mind he is in. I feel as though i am getting too tired with looking after dd and partner. What do i do? Please help.
Can't we have someone more cerebral who doesn't spend their entire professional life appearing on shite tv shows?
And a washing powder advertisement campaign for 'me' time. How naff.
The only reason any company promotes 'me' time is when thry think it means we will have more time to buy their shite.
Hi, I'd like to know how previous generations of SAHMs managed not to go mad - how on earth did they ever get any me-time when they didnt even have washing machines etc? Maybe if we knew the answer to that question we could apply it to our own tattered lives....
Now my children are 7 and 6 and in full time school, and I have a part time job, I do technically have 'me' time. But I'm not the 'me' I was before, so I don't know what to do with it. I do housework and shopping etc, but not anything that is actually for myself (apart from come on here, which is also a post-children 'me') I used to go the cinema in the afternoon, spend time with good friends, read for hours and have a power job. So, which 'me' am I finding time for, or do I have to find a new 'me' first?
Oooh, I lurve her. I wont be around for the chat (unless I take an early lunch and skive a little!)
I always feel inadequate and like I am running at a million miles an hour but still getting nowhere.
I am a 26 year old mother of a two year old daughter, I work Monday to Friday, leaving the house at seven and getting back at five.
I am studying to be an accountant when she is asleep in bed and I get to sit down and focus (usually she's asleep by eight, and so I study, after clearing up the house).
I often feel like I have no energy, because as much as my husband tries to help, especially with reference to getting my daughter to bed, because she only ever wants her mummy.
How can I claw some time back for myself, even half an hour quality non-cleaning, non-studying non-working non-mummy time a week would be lovely!!
I have a 2.5yr old and an 8 week old. so far I have managed 5 minutes alone since the baby was born... walking up the road for a pint of milk.
How do I convince my husband to look after her more? If I simply leave her with im he will run the opposite direction. it has to be softly softly. Any hints?
I'm pregnant with my first and concerned about the expectations I'm putting on myself.
I'm not expecting to leap straight back into size 10 Seven jeans (they didn't fit me before I was pregnant!) or anything but I have been used to the way my life has been up to now and I'm worried about the way that having a baby will change my life.
Although I've got close friends/relatives with small children and so have an inkling of I can't even imagine what it's going be like but I've always thought it's better to make the baby fit in with you as much as you can rather than vice versa.
Any ideas on how I can prepare myself for the new arrival?
actually, seeing as me time is something i have never heard of, i would like to know what her opinion is of MNtters in general..psychologically speaking are we all doomed to the "special room" and The Jacket?!
The guilt associated with "me" time is very strong.
Almost feel like i should not have it. I never make good use of it as it is invariably swallowed up by getting things done, for the house/family/spouse/child/school/other family members.
It almost seems like it is engraned into the psychie of me as a mother.
My question is, do you know of a good mantra that can abolish these feelings of guilt,and can you offer a good common sense way of changing the way that i think of this.
It can be very disabling and unhealthy i think.
Hi there, I'm a 25 yr old mum of 4 (5yrs, 3yrs, 2yrs & 10mths). I constantly have no me-time & i am constantly juggling life. On the rare occasions i get any time to myself i feel guilty & worry over the things still needing to be done.
Any advice how to get a happy life balance?
Clarissa
x
How about when do you find time when your children are of widely varying ages - so you are up early but go to bed before the older ones? We'd like some time together as a couple in our own home after 18 years of child rearing - we have to go out to find it!
MsCD - I've often thought it would be nice to be hospitalised (not seriously to be worrying, but away from home iyswim) for a break That might make me insane though
My question is - I have a toddler, a new-schooler (1/2 days), run a new business from home... another one who feels that everyone has a piece of me, but no-one has enough to make a DECENT piece I don't have enough to make a decent piece of me either. Exhausted and bleurgh.
Would love to hear the suggestions for getting more time to yourself. I have a 2 year old, a 3.5 year old, work 3 days a week and have a husband who is often away or working (he is an RAF doctor). That means that regular 'time off' is just not possible because his schedule is so irregular. I have very little family support (particularly as both sets of parents are divorced and my mother is a high achieving career woman) and my friends live all over the place! Answers on a postcard please...
Err - I think many MNetters spend way more than 10 minutes per day on here, so perhaps this isn't the best forum for this discussion. <<tongue-in-cheek emoticon>>
I'm a mum of two (2 and 10 months) and struggle to find any time for myself. Can you suggest some good ways to find this me-time? Often if I get time to myself - which doesn't happen often - I feel guilty as there are always a million and one things that I ought to be doing. My husband is away a lot and our families are not close by - sometimes I just feel like tearing my hair out!
Any suggestions are most welcome, thanks Linda.
By OliviaMumsnet on Wed 10-Oct-07 19:33:16
(from MNHQ)
i love her
she is so pretty <<shallow emoticon>> and bloody clever
i am working that day so will miss the chat but would love to know how to get over the awful feeling i get most days which is:
that no-one gets the best of me - not my DS, my DH, employers, my friends, me - I feel i am juggling so many roles very precariously, that one day they are all going to come crashing down.
i am a full time WOHM, with one DS of 16 months BTW
I must be the first person to actually look forward to going into hospital for an operation as I would a) get some sleep and b) be looked after. Managed a but b sorely lacking - any advice as now officially feel like housekeeper than wife (ps I lickily got a lovely maternity nurse in to look after our 5 month old as knew that would be too much)
Ten minutes to myself - yes, I remember having that once...
Okay a question: since I will forget by Friday to log on because I'm so tired from this child rearing malarkey - how do we get our spouses to WANT to help with the DC, rather than be forced to, so I can wash my hair without having an rather short audience heckling me?
Dr Linda Papadopolous will be joining us on Friday 12th October between midday and one o'clock for an online chat with Mumsnetters.
Linda is one of the most well-known and respected psychologists today. Known by the public for her regular appearances on TV shows such as Big Brother, Richard & Judy, GMTV and Celebrity Fit Club. She is also the resident psychologist for Cosmopolitan magazine.
Following a report conducted by Bold 2-in-1 that found that one in four mums admit to having less than ten minutes to themselves a day, Linda is helping to promote a nationwide campaign called 'me-time for mums'. She is happy to answer your questions on how to tackle the pressures of motherhood and find more 'me-time' rather than constantly feeling stretched and inadequate.
Linda will be joining us for an hour on Friday at midday, so get your questions ready and join us then.
If you're not able to join us on Friday, please post advance questions here.
. Glad I missed it tbh. 
) how do you get over the fact that other less efficient and organised people see you as fair game for picking up the slack in their lives? 
. Apart from being completely knackered by bedtime, I also find that I can't stop my mind running over and over all the things I have been doing / should be doing / will be doing tomorrow etc which kind of gets in the way of any, erm, intimacy as it were.... My poor hubby is, I think, getting a little frustrated. I can't even get into a good snog without clamming up cos I start worrying about the ironing basket, or the fact that my son hasn't eaten his packed lunch for the 3rd day running, or listening out to see if the baby's cough is better...... the list is endless!
. Any suggestions? 
