Webchat about emotional and domestic abuse with author and journalist, Colette Snowden, Monday 28 November, 9-10pm

[RachelMumsnet]

Author and journalist Colette Snowden is joining us for a webchat on Monday 28 November, where she will be talking about her own experiences of emotional and psychological abuse and answering your questions.

Earlier this year when The Archers' storyline on domestic abuse became a topic of much discussion on Mumsnet, Colette wrote a guest blog describing the difficulty she had in escaping an abusive relationship, which provoked much discussion. Last month we ran a giveaway of her novel, The Secret to Not Drowning, the story of a woman trapped in an abusive relationship - and readers have been sharing their thoughts on this compelling and powerful novel.

Please do join Colette and put your questions to her on Monday 28th November, between 9 and 10pm. If you can't make that time, post your question on this thread in advance.

UPDATE: We'll be raising money this Christmas for victims of domestic violence - we'll announce more soon, but do keep an eye out this December. We'll be shouting about it on the boards and we'll match-fund donations to the charities up to a total of £10k.

Do you feel that there is still a stigma and a presumption about the "type" of people who become trapped in abusive relationships? Having been in a long term abusive relationship myself, and having escaped, I have found that some people find it hard to understand how an "educated" or seemingly successful person can fall prey to such a situation.

How can we change women's preceptions that any abuse is wrong not just physical as most still think to phone WA they need to be physically hit.

I have noticed that the freedom programme is now being rolled out into schools. I say good for that.

I concur pumpkin.
Being educated and articulated has I think not always worked in my favour when it comes to accessing help.

Just thanks Colette for writing this x

Any tips for someone who was isolated due to having to go into emergency homeless accommodation, with a baby, working ft still, no wifi to stay connected with mutual friends often - then the abusive ex got in there first, no idea what's been said but a lot of my "friends" have drifted away - don't make plans any more, don't include me when plans ARE made, invite ex to stuff and not me, don't reply to my messages etc

I feel alone and sad. His manipulation and abuse continues.

my friends first then mutual I should add.

Given the sensitive subject matter - I found the style engaging and easy to get into, I thought I'd have a hard time reading it. I instantly liked Marion - just willing her on to break away.

DV has become something so widespread now, maybe it's that more women are coming forward due to the support available or there is less stigma surrounding such situations. I have several friends and acquaintances working with victims of DV and the stories are horrifying.

How much was the book based on your own experiences?

Have you got any thoughts on how things need to improve to help victims genuinely escape the abuse? I know this is a huge question, and all too many of us are aware of the damage that can be caused by bad or negligent reactions by professionals who are supposed to help at times of crisis, but I'm also thinking about post-separation ongoing issues, after that initial goal of getting out has been achieved.

For example, as a victim of DV you can be told/advised to leave your abuser, remove yourself and your children...and then send them back for contact without you there. You find you have little power to fully prevent them being further exposed to the behaviour of the abusive parent unless it is extreme, and can be dragged through costly and stressful court processes which can end with distressing outcomes. You're further controlled, bullied and harassed through contact and have little access to support as cuts to services deepen. It seems that you're fighting constantly to protect your children and yourself, against or despite the system as well as the often frighteningly manipulative abuser you left, and so you are never free from the risk of emotional harm, even if you are physically safe.

I'm in no way implying that someone in an abusive relationship shouldn't leave; I did, although it took a long time for many reasons. But once that's done, how can those factors above be improved so that victims can become true survivors, not just victims of altered abuse?

Thank you so much for speaking out about this. I hope one day I can be as brave

My niece has just left her abusive husband again. I hope she doesn't go back to him like she has done previously. What do you think are the best ways for me and the wider family to support her?

YYY greencar the abuse continues through parenting "together"

Hi , any one can help me please , I'm taking my ex employer to an employment tribunal , for discrimination and unfair dismissal .
The dismissal was for a gross misconduct ( fraud : working g else where while claiming SSP ) .
My question is : can anyone tell me please , if I lose my case and my ex employer wins mean the dismissal is fair , will that goes on my criminal record ?
Any help with this please I'm sick keep thinking about it ..

Ninou

I've PMd you.

I thought this book really communicated how creeping and almost unnoticeable abuse can be - you don't see it happening until it gets really bad.
I'm a police officer so I deal with domestic abuse regularly. I'm a response officer so I deal with the initial incident which gets handed over to specialist units to investigate and give further support. How would you like to be dealt with? What are the good things and bad things that we do? What can we do better?

Hi Collete. A very interesting and beautifully written book. Statistics are increasingly showing that domestic abuse is not a gendered issue but is rather more complex as an issue. Do you think that we are in danger of making what is a social issue a gendered issue and thus indirectly conspiring a great deal of domestic abuse? Many thanks Dave

I thought I'd need to brace myself to read this but found it really engaging. The way it's written makes it easy to like Marion and share her sense of frustration and confusion. It made me realise how insidious abuse can be. That it's possible to laugh with your abuser, feel empathy with them and remember the things you like about them when things are going well.
My question is - Did you know right from the outset that she would leave? As I was reading I was preparing myself for how I'd feel if she stayed with him.

I love the opening line of this book and the fact that this is a very serious subject and yet you are able to inject humour into it. This is clearly an issue that affects many people, including my eldest daughter. Why is it then that Marion, like so many others in similar situations, continues in the relationship for so long. Also, why do you think that so many in Marion's position go back time and time again to the same abuser?

Psychological domestic abuse is hell. It's under the radar and has left my life in suspended animation. He did a domestic abuse course which taught him loads... such as how to tone down behaviour to within 'acceptable' life rules whilst still being abusive and manipulative.
"Police officer we're at decri nisi and he says I'm mad and hypnotized, gave DD double dose of vitamins, says I must try at relationship & repeatedly tried to hug me when I was saying no..." Restraining order? LOL ). Can I afford to leave with kids? LOL.

I wish I could throw him out, but alas he has rights and is dragging his feet through mediation (courts? Cost is astronomical). Two years, after 18 years with him...
Domestic abuse victim services - patchy. One good, one left me in bits (Why didn't I leave, it's abusive to kids staying - but no practical help).

A warm welcome to Colette Snowden, our webchat guest this evening. Colette, first of all can we say congratulations on your brilliant novel, The Secret to Not Drowning. We're so pleased we were able to share copies with Mumsnetters last month as the comments and reviews they posted up after reading the book show they found it to be as powerful, enlightening and compelling as we did.

There's already a number of questions in so without further delay, over to you....

Many thanks to Mumsnet for a copy of 'The Secret To Not Drowning' by Colette Snowden.
I found it a really moving story, highlighting once again not only how individuals of this kind seem to get away with their behaviour, but also the immense difficulties that the abused person faces when trying to escape from it all.

My question to Colette:- Clearly you have gone through some harrowing experiences. How much of it, if any, made it into your book? And if so, how difficult was it to share so much of your personal experiences, and was there anything that you omitted for fear of being judged?

Hi everyone, so glad to be joining you this evening for such an important chat. Thanks to everyone who has been so candid with their questions and comments already, I'll try to answer as many of you as I can with equal honesty. I'm a writer rather than a domestic abuse expert but my novel does draw on my own experience and research on the subject so I'm looking forward to the discussion.

@pumpkinpie5

Do you feel that there is still a stigma and a presumption about the "type" of people who become trapped in abusive relationships? Having been in a long term abusive relationship myself, and having escaped, I have found that some people find it hard to understand how an "educated" or seemingly successful person can fall prey to such a situation.

Hi, I think you're absolutely right that the assumption that a 'type' exists that makes someone a 'victim'. People are often shocked that I would have fallen into that situation because I'm educated and have a career and I'm quite a strong character. We all have our vulnerabilities though and part of the skill of the abuser is to identify them and use them to manipulate you - your weaknesses are their strength and the tool for eroding your self belief and objective point of view.

Hi Colette
Thanks for coming on MN - afraid I've not yet had a chance to properly read through your book (more children than hands and DH out of the country) but out of interest are/were you a listener of TA? if so, what did you make of the Helen storyline?

@Yourarejokingme

How can we change women's preceptions that any abuse is wrong not just physical as most still think to phone WA they need to be physically hit.

I have noticed that the freedom programme is now being rolled out into schools. I say good for that.

Hi

Again, I think you're right in this statement and I am definitely guilty of this myself - only when my ex husband was eventually violent did I finally believe I had a good enough reason to say enough's enough. It's not just our own perception either, it's our fear of what other people will think - that stigma of giving up on a relationship, abandoning family values and not working hard enough to work it through. There is a lot of education still to be done and if schools can find a way to do that early so that children understand the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship, that's great. I also found last year's ad campaign based on teenage relationship and challenging young people to seewhat was happening to them from the outside very powerful and positive.

@FV45

I concur pumpkin. Being educated and articulated has I think not always worked in my favour when it comes to accessing help.

I can see how that might be true because services are set up to help the 'vulnerable' and there is more than one definition of vulnerable. There's also more than one source of help though - a non-professional who understands and is willing to support you is also really valuable.