emotions after miscarriage

(76 Posts)
Mrsm14 Wed 23-Jul-14 14:54:00

Hi all,

I wanted to start this thread as I had read some similar earlier threads from lovely mumsnetters, but they were from several years ago and aren't active now. I have found I am feeling pretty overwhelmed at times, so I wondered if anyone else out there is feeling the same and could do with a sounding board / some hand holding.

We had been trying for about 8 months for our first baby and I had a miscarriage nearly 5 weeks ago while on holiday, at 8-9 weeks. I had an ERPC on holiday, then flew home. Since then I have had two courses of antibiotics for suspected infection (it wasn't in the end), additional scan and blood tests because of suspected remaining product (there weren't any) and 2 weeks of thrush, which finally went this weekend. I went back to work 2 weeks after the miscarriage and on the whole, I think things have been getting better, although it's been very up and down with emotions. Then for the last few days - I think since I got my first period on Saturday actually - I have felt this constant sadness. I initially felt relieved, maybe even a bit happy to have my period, but then I crashed and have felt crappy ever since. It's there when I wake up and it's there pretty much all day. I feel tired and lethargic and everything feels a little bit empty / without meaning in a way. I feel like I should be feeling better by now and am really upset by how hard it has hit me. I want to feel stronger and ready to try again but I'm not sure if I am. I am terrified I am getting depressed - I had problems last year with anxiety and depression - and that I will be told I need drugs, which I don't want. Some days I feel like I have just totally lost the plot! I just want someone to fix everything really. God that is a right old whinge, sorry.

I think it's all just really lonely and it might help to have a live thread for people who are a few days/weeks/months on, to share how they are feeling. Alternatively, everyone else may well be doing fine and I am a big old whining mess (sob)

E x

ToriB34 Wed 23-Jul-14 15:54:48

I don't think you are a whiny mess at all!

Im actually still miscarrying - I had medical management on Monday. It was our first pregnancy, and I got pregnant on our first month of trying. Ours was a missed miscarriage as 4 scans since I was 7+3 showed no growth or hr and I got to 10+3 without miscarrying naturally.

I feel incredibly sad every day, and I can't yet imagine being back at work - I work on a neonatal unit so will be surrounded by poorly babies every say. Im tired and listless and sometimes I find im crying cos im sad and others cos im already fed up of feeling low and wanting to do things but not actually feeling up to doing anything. I popped to the shop earlier with hubby to get some food and all the people & noise completely stressed me out - felt like I was going to cry in shop. I too feel like im going a bit mad so you're not alone xx

St4rfish Wed 23-Jul-14 19:49:11

You're not being whiney at all!
I found I was on the verge of being properly depressed for a good 6 months or so afterwards - hit a peak in the month when the due date would have been. I still think about the fact we are still childless at least once every day, but I can brush the sadness off rather than wallow in it. Give yourself a bit more time.
I know what you mean about trying to find the right thread - I don't fit into the infertility threads (have had a referral but no IVF being offered yet as the miscarriage has 're-set' the clock on the 2 years they like you to have been trying, even though it took me 2 years to get pregnant the first time...) and everyone on the conception thread seems to be pregnant again after miscarriage already or moaning after trying for 5 minutes!

Mrsm14 Wed 23-Jul-14 23:02:42

tori so sorry you're still going through it all. You're right in the middle of it all so no wonder you feel stressed out.It sounds like you have a particularly tough job to get back to too. Hopefully with some more time you will feel more ready to face that. Hope the medical management hasn't been too awful? x

st4fish how far on are you now, if you don't mind me asking? I think one of my reasons for feeling so alone was going onto the ttc after miscarriage and it felt like everyone else in the world was able to get back on the horse (so to speak!) and I just feel a bit broken. I feel like I should be grieving faster or being stronger or something. Really sorry to hear that about ivf waiting list - that doesn't seem fair at all but then it's all so bloody unfair! x

ToriB34 Wed 23-Jul-14 23:14:27

It's not been too bad Mrsm, although I think ive overdone it today really - decorated our spare room and have done loads of housework so feelibgphysically knackered tonight. The hardest bit for me enottionally is that hubby really doesnt get why im feeling like I am.

I tokd him today id seen a nice bracelet with february birth stones in (bean was meant to be a valentines baby) and I was going to buy it. He said hes worried I'm going to get depressed every year and that im already depressed. I tried to explain I'm sad not depressed and thats quite normal, as it will be if I get a bit sad on valentines day next year as its the day we're meant to be parents. But I wonder if maybe I'm not normal, and hubby seeming to not want to remember it is.

impatienceisavirtue Wed 23-Jul-14 23:42:05

Sorry for all your losses thanks

We are now three months post mc ( two actually, one after the other, second one much much worse) and I still cry about it. I feel ridiculous as it was so early, I'm lucky I already have kids etc etc, but even today I nearly lost it - someone discussing coping on the heat whilst pregnant, and all k could think of how enormous I should be now.

Also just got AF despite a very valiant effort this month - which now brings us to a year of TTC.

You are not whiney. It is a horrendous, tragic experience. I am so sorry you are going through it thanks

Mrsm14 Thu 24-Jul-14 08:13:07

tori I think it's hard for them but not the same. My husband has been great but he still says things like 'oh no, you're sad again?' Which makes me feel like crap. I think they want to make it better quickly and we feel like we need time to grieve and to have that accepted. My husband told me last night he feels there's no space for his sadness when mine is SO big, which was hard to hear but does sort of make sense and I realised he is struggling in his own way. It's taken him a while to understand just how hard this has hit me, so hopefully with some more talking, your husband can get there. I've also been thinking about how to mark the loss and the bracelet sounds lovely. We don't need to forget what happened, we need to try and come to terms with it and you should do whatever feels right for you.

impatience so sorry to hear this. Would you mind me asking why the second was worse - as in physically or emotionally? I have only had one and have really questioned if I can go through it again. You sound very strong to me and I think crying is to be expected. I was reading something the other day about how secular our culture is and therefore we don't display any outward signs of mourning, and we all try to carry on as normal. In other places they take weeks to publicly mourn and it must almost be a relief - to not have to put a brave face on. Sorry, rambled a bit there smile

So nice to have some friendly faces here (not nice we're here obvs but you know what I mean!)

impatienceisavirtue Thu 24-Jul-14 09:41:07

mrsm I know exactly what you mean. DH was hit very hard by this too, he wanted us to have a baby as much as I did and he was just excited as I was, and he was devastated. He has never really had a chance to deal with it though as my grief is always the priority to him.

I don't mind you asking.. The first one was very, very early. It was very difficult because we had been trying for so long and for it to end after finally conceiving was really difficult to deal with. But it hadn't long sunk in that we had finally done it, the bleeding started and slowly the tests went negative.

I fell pregnant the cycle after and we were terrified but over the moon.

Then I had some bleeding at about six and a half weeks. Thought it was happening again and was distraught. We went to the GP who said everything looked good, cervix closed, and maybe it wasn't all over. She referred us to EPU and I had hcg tests and a scan at the hospital. Longest wait ever between blood tests it felt like but it was fantastic news - everything was great, scan showed all as it should be and we let ourselves get carried away with the excitement. We were booked in for a routine follow up scan a couple of weeks later.

Except then it wasn't ok. We went in with no pragmatic thought that it might not be ok. we were psyched to go see the heartbeat, but there wasn't one.

The reason why it was so awful was because we were basically in limbo for three weeks and that was absolute hell. She said that it looked like it had gone wrong but because it was still growing she couldn't be sure. So we clung on to hope. The sac had to reach a certain size before they could absolutely diagnose. The not knowing was so hard.

Another scan a week later. Sac still growing, now way behind dates, but still nothing they could do.

Yet another scan a week later (on my birthday...) now over three weeks later from first receiving the news. The sac still hadn't grown to the required size but it had also barely grown at all and was starting to collapse. I'd also had bleeding in that week, so there was now no doubt, and all hope was finally gone. But that three weeks of tormenting myself was hell. Had an Mva that afternoon.

We started trying again desperately hoping it would happen again straight away - it felt like the only thing that would help was getting pregnant again. Everyone says you're so much more fertile in the few months after. Mc. But it hasn't happened, three months later, and I'm in limbo again. It feels like life can't move on until I'm pregnant again. Some days I think it's too much and I just want to give up. I don't really mean it but the disappointment every month isn't just about not having got pregnant. It reopens the wound of the miscarriage every month. I've just started another period - quite a bad one - and it's like being punched in the gut. I was scrolling through the mn active posts last month and saw the 'due in November' thread and it hurt.

Thank you for your kind words and sorry for rambling sad I don't feel very strong right now. I've not gone into work today, I couldn't face it.

The bracelet is a lovely idea. It's awful because to the world around you everything just goes on, it's like it never happened. Even to the people who knew. They expect you to have moved on and got over it and it's like it wasn't really anything to get over it seems sometimes, because you never got anything tangible to lose - some people don't understand you can love them from the moment you know they are there, or how crushing the loss is.

impatienceisavirtue Thu 24-Jul-14 09:43:25

Scrolling through the posts last night I mean

ToriB34 Thu 24-Jul-14 10:32:26

Oh impatience, I know exactly what you mean about the limbo of waiting and it being hell. We waited nearly three weeks for medical management in the end because the nhs wouldnt accept our private scan pictures as evidence of fetal loss. It was an absolutely dreadful time and im so sorry you went through that too.

I'm keen to ttc as soon as we can - I think I'll feel better if im pregnant on my due date, otherwise itll feel like another kick in the teeth.

Thinking of you both xx

Mrsm14 Thu 24-Jul-14 12:40:08

Yeah, I was starting to get really down just before I fell pregnant, because we'd been trying for 8 months and I felt like it was becoming my whole life and it just wouldn't happen for us. We'd already put off trying for a while as I was dealing with my dad getting a degenerative illness and I wasn't feeling in a good place. Obviously with being pregnant and then losing it, it still feels like my whole life. I feel like the whole of the last year I have not been myself - much more anxious, up and down etc. So I think I'm scared of trying again and even of being pregnant again, because I'm starting to forget who I was before all of this you know? I just want to feel steady and in control of things - and happy. I'm sure that a successful pregnancy would make us all feel happier of course, because that is what we really want. I suppose I've just been a bit down and scared that it might not happen for me, and what if I have to go through all of this again, and I can't cope etc and that is what frustrates my husband - he tends to more positive than me generally though! If anyone has any tips for moving on, or feeling more positive, please do share.

And I know what you mean impatience about periods - when I got mine on Saturday, that is EXACTLY how it felt - like I have been physically punched. And it's felt like that all week, although today has been a slightly better day. I think maybe we have to accept there will be really crappy days and sometimes whole weeks where we feel it more than other times. Try and be kind to yourself today and do something nice, even if it's really small (I sometimes paint my nails in a bright happy colour or go for a swim)

x

thesmallbear Thu 24-Jul-14 13:27:53

I am having a bad day today. I had the medical management 11th June and it took another couple of weeks for the 'product' to fully come away.

I feel fed up today. I keep visualising what the baby might have looked like. I'm going through the motions at work but my hearts not in it at all. I don't think it's helping that we're not trying again yet - a joint decision for good reasons but still fedup.com sad

Mrsm14 Thu 24-Jul-14 13:45:06

sorry to hear that smallbear - def understand that going through the motions feeling. Are you having a mix of good days and bad though? It can sometimes feel like they are all a bit shitty but then I try to remind myself there have been some better days, or even brighter moments in bad days. It's not easy though is it x

thesmallbear Thu 24-Jul-14 17:29:24

Thanks Mrsm14 & yes a mixture of good days and bad. I had to try and come up with a solution to a problem in a meeting this afternoon which wasn't easy given that I have a head full of fog!

The other half annoyed me last night and it just made me realise how when I was pregnant it seemed that life was going to be wonderful and now things are just back to how they were before. Don't get me wrong our relationship's pretty good, it was just nice to be in the baby bubble!

RunDMC Thu 24-Jul-14 21:51:21

sorry to hear of all your losses thanks

thanks Mrsm14 for starting the thread and no, you are not a whining mess - it's totally normal to feel like this. This thread has come at a good time for me as I'm struggling 3 months on from my second missed miscarriage (had a healthy DS inbetween who is fast approaching 3). I've gone from feeling really raw about the last one which was in April and putting my feelings in a box and managing to get on with life to some degree, to all of sudden feeling very sad about it again recently.

Don't get me wrong, there are good days, and it does get better but I'm not entirely sure the sadness ever really goes away - and I am a pretty upbeat sort of person. No question for me what makes it a million times harder is that people, even those who were a big help at the time just stop talking about it and it's as if it never happened. Not that you want people to go on about it but some acknowledgement would be nice.

I think for me it's also partly come to the fore as I have several NCT friends from my first pregnancy (so we all have kids the same age) who've just had or are about to have number 2 and so everytime I see them it brings it home to me that I should have been pregnant right now and sharing all of that with them. Not that i'm not happy for them, just that I'm also incredibly sad for me. Not easy, but I also know how lucky I am to have my DS.

strawberry12 Thu 24-Jul-14 22:04:05

I'm so sorry to hear of all your losses.
I just wanted to thank you all for contributing - I've never posted on here before but after discovering a missed miscarriage 6 weeks ago (and actually miscarrying 3 weeks ago), I have found these kind of posts a real life line. I have been feeling so up and down and knowing that what I am feeling is a 'normal' response to a very sad time is helpful.

I really agree that one of the hardest things is feeling like others - friends, family - have moved on, and don't want to talk about it. I find it helpful to talk and think about what happened.

X

ToriB34 Thu 24-Jul-14 22:51:38

I spent the afternoon with a friend today which was nice, but Im feeling physically exhausted today and it makes the emotional stuff so much harder to cope with I think.

I did a fair amount of 'depregnifying' myself this week - cancelling my 16 week appointment, trying to cancel my 12 week scan (which I actually don't think has ever been made etc. But I still have stuff I need to do, the thought of which upsets me afresh such as sending back maternity exemption.

My midwive had also told me to send of our Anthony Nolan thing so I have been expecting some information on that through post, and that will be another upset. If I get pregnant again, I think Ill do nothing until after our 12 week scan.

From the job I do, I know not every pregnancy ends well, but I never expected a mmc to happen to me (who would) and I think that next time, I wont be able to excited about being pregnant again, with this recent memory. Such a whirlwind of messy emotions at the moment.

Mrsm14 Fri 25-Jul-14 07:53:56

Hi strawberry and runDMC and really sorry for both your losses. Do you mind me asking if you are thinking of ttc again yet? I'm so unsure and just wondering how everyone else is feeling about it. tori I too feel like I will be too worried to enjoy pregnancy now. That's something that is really upsetting me actually. I was so excited before - and worried of course - but even though I know the stats are in my favour, I don't feel at all ready to deal with all of this again.

Mrsm14 Fri 25-Jul-14 07:56:38

Oh and dealing with practical stuff sucks too - I have put all my things away in a box but makes me get a lump in my throat when I remember things like a nice loose wrap dress I got for summer just before it happened, which I should be wearing now sad

jesterbun Fri 25-Jul-14 12:07:44

It's so reassuring to read all these posts. I found out at a pre cvs scan 3 weeks ago we had lost our baby. I had an ERPC the following day and was just starting to turn a corner when the hospital rang today with the test results from the erpc. The baby did have downs as we suspected. I feel right back to square one again. It's so hard to contemplate moving on even though I know I have to for the sake of my other kids. I know we won't ttc again - I'm 41 and in all honesty I don't think I could cope with all this heartbreak again. I just don't feel ready to let this little one go.

Mrsm14 Fri 25-Jul-14 16:08:28

So sorry to hear this jesterbun and no wonder you feel thrown by that call. The smallest things can make you wobble and this wasn't small. It's bloody hard knowing how the hell to move on isn't it? People say you should but really, how??! I am sure it is just time, which is rubbish I know. Much love to you x

thesmallbear Fri 25-Jul-14 16:30:04

Well I had an even worse day today. There's a woman at work who's been off sick for ages. TBH I suspected she might be pregnant due to the amount of time she's been off. A colleague who's good friend's with the woman (and has been really good to me since the MC) had a quite word with me today to let me know that she's off due to morning sickness. Apparently, she's been agonising about what to do as it's not really her place to say anything, but she didn't want the other person coming in and making an announcement without me having any warning. I said 'that's nice for her' etc which it is, but when I went away and thought about it made me sad.

Then across the other side of the office there was a massive pink baby basket as one of the managers is going on maternity leave. I went into a toilet cubicle and had a little cry.

I don't believe in God or fate or anything like that, but still, I don't know anyone in real life who this has happened to and it makes me wonder why my baby was singled out. Even though the logical side of me realises that's not how it is.

Then, feeling crap enough already, I got a call from the maternity place asking me why I haven't turned up for my 16 week appointment. Erm, 'cause I've had a miscarriage you wankers. Does no one in the NHS talk to each other then! Grrr angry

impatienceisavirtue Fri 25-Jul-14 16:40:15

Tori it is possible to get excited again,I think. We did the second time around. We were more nervous (and rightfully so it turned out) but we did enjoy the pregnancy right up until the bad news. We started trying yet again right after the second mc too. I dunno, I feel like - I don't know how to word it - if we manage to carry a baby to term in the future, it will have all been for something. Does that make sense? As awful as it was, if we don't try again we will just have the heartache. If we succeed with another try, maybe it will feel like it was worth it - if you know what I mean.

I also know the feeling about the preg clothes. I went a bit stupid the second time around and got loads and got carried away, loads of summer stuff I should be wearing now. The day of the first bad scan I tore it all down, hangers and all, threw it in bin bags and threw it all under the bed.

jesterbun Fri 25-Jul-14 16:42:43

Thankyou mrsm14. It is hard knowing its is down to time. My first af after the mc arriving today hasn't helped matters either. It was all just too much earlier. Thesmallbear - I feel for you. That phonecall must have been awful. I guess we just need to give ourselves time. Easier said than done when you have baby stuff bombarding you from all angles though..... Hugs.

ToriB34 Fri 25-Jul-14 17:17:31

oh smallbear, im sorry youre having a shitty day. I hope tomorrow is a better one. I have been having a lot of why my baby moments too ; but I am one of lifes talkers unfortunately; im always very open about things going on in our life - I told people after our first scan what was going on and a surprising number of women said oh yes I had a miscarriage at such abd such weeks. It seems it really is something that doesn't get spoken of which I think makes you feel more isolated when it happens to you.

I went to GP today and was first time I've been out on my own since this all started and I started crying in my car by time I got to GP could barely talk for crying - I honestly think im going mad. Doesnt help that pain has kicked up a notch again today.

Went for lunch with hubby, and there was a woman moaning about fact she was going to have tests every two weeks of her pregnancy and I was irrationally angry at her!!

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