My baby died after 6 days in NICU, not coping.

(228 Posts)
greengoose Mon 07-May-12 14:06:14

I don't know whether it'll help to write this.
My beautiful baby girl was born at 32plus 1 weeks by ecc then transferred to Great Ormond Street straight after birth. An operation that we thought would go well didn't, and she struggled and fought for five days before they turned off the machines and we held her while she died.
We knew during the pregnancy that she would need an op, that's why we were referred to GOSH. We were only meant to be in London for routine scan though, and they spotted she had hydrops and reduced fluids. We stayed extra day to see other consultant, and they scanned again, she was worse, so they scheduled for next day. My partner drove back home to drop of youngest DS who was with us and pick up bags etc, then during the day I got very ill with Mirror Syndrome (like v severe preeclamsia), and my partner just made it back two minutes before op. He got to see our baby with her eyes open, which I never did. I'm so glad he got back. He went with her to GOSH, and I had to stay in UCH while they tried to stabilise me.
They operated that night. I thought it would be ok. My partner ran back from GOSH to UCH to let me know it had gone wrong, and she was critical. He then ran back to be with her.
The next day they (accidentally) discharged me, and I was with her from then on as much as possible. NICU is a parents hell. She was so ill. The staff were amazing, but there was nothing they could do in the end.
On the last night her heart started to fail, and the decision was made to stop. They cut all her wires and tubes and handed her to me while she died. I want her back now. This isn't right.
My milk came in the next morning. I had to bind my breasts and we had to register her birth and death that morning. Then we came home. She has been cremated now, and my milk has gone. It's been three weeks, but it could have been yesterday. I don't know how to get through this. I want her back.

McKayz Mon 07-May-12 14:12:35

There is nothing I can say to make it any better. But I want you to know I'm thinking of you. We started in the June thread together.

I am so so sorry you're having to go through this.

Many hugs and love xx

MrsKitty Mon 07-May-12 14:13:44

GreenGoose, I really don't know what to say except that I'm so sorry that you have lost your beautiful DD. My thoughts are with you.

RandomMess Mon 07-May-12 14:15:45

I'm sorry you are going through this, please make contact with SANDS and the parents on the bereaved thread, they will so identify what you are going through, be kind to yourself x

It isn't right. It's a terrible, terrible loss and there is nothing that anyone can say or do to fix it. I wish we could. You just have to keep breathing in and out and put one foot in front of the other and time will give you some ease. That's all there is.

What was your beautiful girl's name?

Kveta Mon 07-May-12 14:19:07

I'm so sorry to hear about your beautiful daughter.

thinking of you here too - another from the June thread.

xx

sleepysox Mon 07-May-12 14:19:31

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is an horrendous experience to go through.

I'm sending you lots of love and unmumsnet hugs. I recently lost a close family member (not the same at all I know) but I've found that although the pain doesn't go away you find a way to deal with it.

Like you said, what you're going through isn't right at all, it's not supposed to happen like this, and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this terrible experience.

Take care. Sending you lots of love xox

greengoose Mon 07-May-12 14:20:27

northern lurker, thanks for asking, she's called Merryn. It's a Cornish name. She had green eyes and hair that was the same as her brothers, which is blond and curly. She weighed 6.5 pds, and was utterly beautiful.

LemonEmmaP Mon 07-May-12 14:20:30

I'm so very sorry greengoose. Thinking of you and your family

xx

RabidAnchovy Mon 07-May-12 14:26:26

So sorry for your loss. Merryn is a beautiful name

Boysrstupid Mon 07-May-12 14:27:05

There are no words. I am so very very sorry for you. You are in my thoughts.

DogEared Mon 07-May-12 14:29:57

I'm so, so sorry.

ExpatAl Mon 07-May-12 14:31:04

Dearest greengoose, I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl Merryn. We held our baby boy as he died so I have a tiny glimpse of how you feel now. I'm holding you all in my heart and sending you very best wishes. I hope that knowing others have trodden your path and are holding you as you walk with aching arms, will give you some comfort. Much love. X

What a beautiful and special name. Thank you for sharing that with us. She sounds like such a little honey. You know that she will have felt your love don't you? As you carried her and after she was born and as she died. She lived in your love and she will have felt that in her every moment.

Pickering Mon 07-May-12 14:34:16

I am so sorry for your loss and Merryn is a most beautiful name.

greengoose Mon 07-May-12 14:35:03

Expatal, thankyou. I'm so sorry you lost your little boy.

I didn't know things could hurt this much.... I hope you have found some peace.

Originalplurker Mon 07-May-12 14:35:09

Very sorry greenhouse.

bronze Mon 07-May-12 14:36:53

I'm so sorry Greengoose x

Kveta Mon 07-May-12 14:37:19

Merryn is such a beautiful name, and she sounds like a gorgeous wee girl.

greengoose Mon 07-May-12 14:39:37

Northern lurker, I hope so. It's just they had to do so much to her, and I'm so worried it was so scarey and so so painful, and she couldn't even move or open her eyes. She was so alone, and she must have been terrified, she must have thought I had abandoned her. I should have stopped them sooner, I feel so guilty. She went through nothing but hell and pain and I let it happen to her. I should have said no.

EdlessAllenPoe Mon 07-May-12 14:42:29

It really is ok not to cope right now - you have been through something so very awful. Merryn is a lovely name.
hugs for you and your family x

catsareevil Mon 07-May-12 14:43:01

You gave her the best chance you could. It sounds like what was best for her was your first priority the whole time.

ExpatAl Mon 07-May-12 14:44:04

greengoose, I'm so sorry you have this hurt. It's terrible and relentless and we only learn to live with it. However, all of you in your little family unit are hurting so much only because you loved and continue to love so hard. So look to all of your loved ones and feel some joy - you're part of something beautiful. I don't think I phrased that very well, but I hope you understood what I meant. Thank you for your good wishes.

5madthings Mon 07-May-12 14:45:42

oh greengoose i am so sorry for your news sad

My dd is also called Merryn, (she is 17mths) we have never met another one, its a lovely name.

please dont feel guilty, i am sure the drs did what they thought best and you were then when you could be and you held her, she wasnt alone.

thinking of you and your family.

RIP little Merryn, a perfect name for a precious little one xxx

No sweetheart, you were trying to help her. All the medical intervention was to try and help her. The staff who work with poorly newborns are the best the NHS has. They are people with the guts to work on tiny, tiny fragile babies and the compasssion to find it in themselves to do it again and again and keep going back to help. They will have taken care of her. You said 'yes' for as long as it seemed the right thing to say and when she needed you to say it you did say 'enough'. Please don't torment yourself. You and dp were in the most awful situation. When Merryn was born you were too poorly to be with her straight away but your partner was there and then you were there. The bond between a mother and a child she's carried is a very special and mysterious thing. We talk about the ties that bind - this is it. A strong love that transcends physical presence. You are a good mother. You did everything you could and your daughter will have felt your love. I am absolutely sure of that.

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