Mumsnet Talk

I feel that this is an infringement of MY human rights. He has been violent with me loads and most recently attacked me by kicking me in the stomach when i was 7 months pregnant with new DP child! All infront of DD1 who he claims to love but has put her in danger so so many times!

Anyway, latest CAFCASS report suggesting contact centre every fortnight (phew, happy with that result) and SKYPE on his suggestion!

1, I dont have it and have never used it

2. I will have to endure his face and voice in my lounge at regular intervals

3. I know she will get bored after 2 milli seconds and leave the pc

4. i will have to supervise it as she cant use pc and will be banging on keyboard etc

Anyone got any comments? Anyone used this as a medium for contact?

All views welcome ahead of upcoming court case!

What age is DD? If she was older, and could speak to him unsupervised on it, then it might make sense. But from what you're saying she sounds very young still?

I think you can say at the hearing that you do not wish to have to have any contact with him, and that SKYPE would require you to speak to him, simply because of the practicalities.

hi, sorry to hear you are having such a terrible time. hope the baby was ok.

got a friend who uses skype with her older child at uni - very good and cheap / free calls - but then she wants to be in contact.

much harder with a 3yo and an ex who you wish would not call.

would be concerned that the 3yo is too little to manage the pc and it really means you will have to supervise.

would try to make sure he only calls at agreed times, otherwise you will be dreading every time its active.

also would try to limit the timeon it given she is only 3.

in the long run is it better this way though because you can hear what he is saying and can terminate the call if you want to.

Will he pay for the webcams and any software and internet connection??

just starting on the road to separating from my dp and it amazes me why men who seemingly dont give a monkeys about the kids when they are living with them, then demand access when separated.

she is 3 years old this month! it is just wrong! a psychological assessment proves that he cannot control himself verbally or physically with me. i know he will start on the bloody computer if she doesnt want to speak to him!!!

If he verbally abuses you over SKYPE you might be able to record it for future evidence

Or you could just keep cutting him off and claim to have lost the connection

Well at least if he starts at you on the PC you can just reach across and switch it off. You will still have a lot of control.

Is this cast in stone now - is it worth writing to CAFCASS to put your feelings across? If you have reason to be afraid of this man, having his face and voice in your home is just unfair - could you get a letter or report from somewhere like Women's Aid, or even your GP, backing you up?

My dcs use this frequently to stay in contact with family and friends back in Canada.

Ds2 knew the difference between the tone that signaled an email arriving and a request for a Skype chat from the time he was 19 months old...

I wouldn't have a problem with it as such but the fact that you don't own any of the equipment or have any experience with the program makes me think that it might not be the best suggestion.

I understand what you are saying about seeing his face and enduring the sound of his voice but at the end of the day he is your dds father... (This sounds preferable to face to face contact with a violent person.)

You might be surprised how her attention is captivated by the screen. It might also force your Xdp to be creative in order to keep her interest. (My dd2 is 3 and she loves to sing and dance for her grandparents. They also watched her learn to walk via Skype so there are advantages.)

You can put the keyboard up out of her reach if you are concerned about her banging. The program is on 'auto-pilot' once you accept a chat.

Essentially, I am sorry that you are facing this tough time but it might be easier to just roll with it...

why oh why should a woman who is afraid of the father of her child, be forced to allow contact? Its just wrong surely?

My sister's husband left over a year ago and their daughter wont answer his calls at all - she is older and able to make her own decisions, but my sister still gets it in the neck and is supposed to make their dd answer the phone. it feels like its very much a mans world.

agree it is not appropriate for 3 year old.

my ex asked for this - i also felt it was infringement and harassment - also he would use to spy on me/us - as camera would see into room.

also, setting it up can take a lot of time and hassle. yes easy when it works but inevitably it crashes, goes wrong etc.

this is asking you to set it up etc. not fair on you. at least contact centre you turn up, hand her over and can go for a coffeee...

i think it would be appropriate if it was only possible contact eg he was soldier in afghanistan etc.

not when there is going to be regular face to face contact.

state she is too young to use skype herself and this would require you to set up/monitor etc.

she is just over the nightmares of watching him attack me! i am on anti depressants and at times scared to leave house because of him! The psychologist said he poses a serious risk to her! He is off the ricter scale for anger and low and behold yet again it is my fault as I am controlling!!!!!

SKYPE!!!! Its a bloody SLAP he needs and I am in no means in favour of violent acts being the victim of a few but god i would love to give him a good hard whack with something hard!

its just so he can spy on me and be in my lounge!!! I am going to refuse!!! She isnt even interested, he left when she was 10 months. She will never sit through a conversation with him!

Think i am fighting a losing battle or have i good grounds to refuse?

i think you have good grounds to refuse, use psychologist report.

it seems to be only to benefit him not her.

also - ask cafcass officer if they have used skype themselves and when have they seen a 3 year old child use it? - only with support of an adult - this is asking too much involvement from you.

oh soknackered - i really feel for you - if the psychologist said that, why do you still have to give him any access whatsoever?

You have good grounds to refuse, of course you have. Let's hope the court agrees with you.

The nightmares is a good reason not to have this sort of contact either i think, seeing dad on the computer screen could be very confusing and bring back other memories. My dd has had nightmares, not able to tell me what they are about, but invariably she screams go away daddy, stop it daddy. She hasn'thad one for some time now and i wonder how much she remembers. Your DD is that bit older so she probably remembers more so these memories can be triggered i guess. sorry dont want to make you feel worse, just trying to sympathise.

I am partly playing the devil's advocate and clearly my view is in the minority but at the end of the day, I don't think that it is inappropriate for a 3 year old. My children love having contact with people that we would otherwise see yearly.

There are many, many adults who walk around with a romantic notion of how great their fathers might have been had they maintained contact. Your dd will have no such illusions if he continues to be verbally abusive and aggressive but at least via Skype you have the option to switch it off.

(Incidentally, my camera is pointed at the wall so there is no invasion of privacy as such. There is nothing for the viewer to see other then the wall or whoever stands in front of the camera.)

other than even...

was that a forensic psycological assesment?

my violent ex had one also. i totally understand YOUR concerns here...its your home,you don't want him in it.

as a compromise,then a weekly phonecall might be better,at least you come across as reasonable. we had the phone calls,ex became verbally abusiver so i changed number. this was with a court order too. cafcass said it wasn't right he could continue to abuse me.

ask womens aid for advice?

bit confused cadmum = are you saying it is better to be disillusioned at an early age rather than have a romantic view of your absent parent as an adult?

good tip about the placement of the camera.

tell them your computer is broken, he can supply you with a new one with a headset if he feels he needs to speak to dd on skype...I have a very low opinion of CAFCASS...

I have had no experience of CAFCASS but think I will soon. Cestlavielife has said on another thread that they can be good and supportive.

I wonder though in this case they have had rose tinted glasses on about recommending any contact at all.

oh meant to ask = why low opinion fuzzywuzzy?

In a practical way... download skype, set it to be safe so it only accepts your ex' requests, turn it on, sit DD in front of the computer and leave the room. With this you did what you were asked to do, but he can not ask for more.

I think he will soon realise how unfeasible the request is. If your DD is like my son, he would be surprised about what is going on then turn around and go to play with other things.

I wouldnt want to leave the room I would want to listen in at least, i would want to know what an abusive ex is saying to a 3yo. Is there a record function on it?

I think you are getting overworked about this, unless your DD has been practicing with Skype since early on she is likely to loose interest in a couple of minutes and disapear from view/ear shot.

If you want to stay in the room, stay there but don't distract her, now, you don't have to coax her into talking to his dad.

I wouldn't bother about installing the camera unless CAFCASS specifically demanded it. I would leave it as a phone call via Skype.

CAFCASS are saying the following:-On the issue of Mr X have contact via SKYPE, I have researched this on the internet; it appears safe and has advantages over telephone contact in so far as it need not involve Ms X and it could be more appropriate to DD's age as she can converse face to face via this medium.

I have stated that it requires more supervision that any other. for one she already uses my keyboard as a drum given half the chance and why should i have to have visual and verbal connection in my home with someone that has terrorised me to the point that it is the only place that i feel safe?!?!

Oh and this was HIS suggestion, this SKYPE business! CAFCASS woman hadnt heard of it!!!

I'm shocked
The only advice is
1. Refuse
2. Get cafcass to buy computer etc. and then to set it up and to make sure it faces a blank wall and then to supervise.
Also record it all.
Then they will see how unfeasable and laughably idiotic they are by being used by your ex and being complicit in his bullying you through them.
Stick to your guns. You are doing the right thing.

It sounds as though the person at CAFCASS doesn't really know much about Skype.

I would point out that :

1. a 3yo using a PC needs to be supervised at all times, therefore there is not an option for you to not be involved.

2. since she has nightmares about him, you believe supervised access is necessary, to prevent him from scaring her further. Therefore, again, you don't have the option of not being involved.

3. you are not happy to have him looking into your home, and you do not want any contact at all, because of all the history of violence

Therefore, no to Skype. Access must be away from your home, and supervised by people who can look after her.