Disloyalty and no respect from DD

(90 Posts)
NewPatchesForOld Sat 24-Nov-12 23:35:27

I've posted about my oldest dd before, but now a new situation has arisen and I'm a bit shell shocked.
She's 18.
She got a twitter account a few months back, and my son (who's 15) told me that his friends kept telling him she was posting horrible things about me on there. At the time he didn;t have twitter, but got it about a month ago. He told me she was posting things on there, so tonight I asked him to go back and check to see what it was his friends had been on about. Maybe I shouldn;t have looked, but at the end of the day if my own daughter is slating me in public I want to know about it.
Here is a selection of her posts...

"Seriously considering going to live with my dad, I effing hate it here"
"If I stayed out til this time mum would go mad but it's ok for her...she's just a dirty stop out" (first time I had been out in about 2 years and it was a one off wine bar/members club)
"Yes mother, a pencil skirt and heels IS too dressed up for the cinema (I'm not on twitter so why address it to me?)
"My family is so effed up it won't be long before it's on jeremy kyle"
"Does anyone want to let me sleep on their settee? I hate it here"
"Being used as an unpaid babysitter while my mother goes out enjoying herself"

ANd so on and so on...

Now, the tone of the posts was venomous. I bend over backwards for my kids - I pay for her driving lessons (I struggle on very little money), I rarely go out, I am always picking her up from college because she texts me to say she is cold and has missed the bus and the next one will be half an hour blah blah...
She thinks she is at the top of the pecking order in the house. I never get to choose what's on tv as she has the remote contol all the time, if she's off college sick she will lie on the settee all day watching tv with the heating on high (I'm struggling to pay the heating bills), she quite happily expects the money for her driving lessons every week and yet calls herself an unpaid babysitter (I go out no more than once a month now), and now that she's 18 goes out drinking and expects me to fund it (I don't), and then demands a lift when she's hungover the next morning from her friend's house.

Now, I KNOW I have brought a lot of this on myself, I have been too soft with her and now she rules the roost, but after reading the tweets I am so sad and hurt, and wonder what it is I have done so wrong to warrant being treated like that.

She called her brother a w**k stain on there, and her sister (who's only 8) a little b**ch, and a spoilt brat.

My head is spinning at the moment.

colditz Sun 25-Nov-12 12:21:25

She a vegetarian who doesn't like vegetarian food? Fucking wah!

When my sister was eighteen, she had a full time job and a mortgage. She cooked her own food, and washed her own clothes, although she still lived in the same house with our mum.

Your daughter behaves like this because you support it.

MasterOfBuggerAll Sun 25-Nov-12 12:27:48

I really hope you do take a tough stand with her. You will be doing the best for both of you in the long run.

And with regards to the abuse online, either report it to Twitter themselves or print copies and show the police. Either way it's abuse and needs to stop.

Oh and lock away your painkillers. That's disgusting how she has left you in pain.

I hope you feel better soon

marriedinwhite Sun 25-Nov-12 12:29:35

If you've been going into school for years then why on earth have you not set boundaries earlier.

NotDavidTennant Sun 25-Nov-12 12:35:19

OP, have you ever had any counselling over your abusive relationship? It concerns me that you might be subconscioualy recreating the abusive patterns of the past, but this time with your DD cast in the role of abuser. If you've brought up your DD as someone who is too be feared and appeased then she is going to have picked up on that and started to believe that about herself and learned to behave accordingly.

HoleyGhost Sun 25-Nov-12 12:42:06

There is an unhealthy dynamic between the two of you. I don't think it will improve until you address your own issues. Then you will be in a better position to give your dc the parenting they need. Have you had support from your GP?

HoleyGhost Sun 25-Nov-12 12:43:22

X posts, but I agree with NDT

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 12:45:56

I've never had counselling, and yes you are right in that she has taken on the role of bully, I do recognise that. And I am still considering counselling. I get
the same panic feelings with ds as I used to get with HIM. So yes, you are right.

Married...I have tried to set boundaries, and with my youngest 2 they have worked but it just hasn't with her. I obviously didn't try hard enough; it's so hard when you are on your own with no back up and I am guilty of giving in for a quiet life sometimes.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 12:47:26

Holey...I have no problems with my other 2, they have respect for me and know their boundaries and abide by them.

marriedinwhite Sun 25-Nov-12 12:52:50

I assume you meant dd there.

Do you think you might just have to accept that she his like her father and therefore your relationship will always be toxic. Perhaps it would be best if she went to live with him. At least for a while.

Marzipanface Sun 25-Nov-12 13:02:01

You don't have to do anything for her, so stop doing it. Don't give her any more lifts, and if she kicks off, tell her that you've seen her posts on twitter, and don't wish to help someone who's so rude about you.

What Coliditz says.

HoleyGhost Sun 25-Nov-12 13:12:32

You resent your DD. Let her go live with her Dad and get some counselling. You choose to be her skivvy, you choose to let her take charge of the remote control. This is not doing her any favours.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 13:17:04

Sorry, should have made it clear that her father was not the abusive one, that was their step father. And her living with her father would not work as he wouldn't have her, he has a lodger and values money over anything so wouldn't give up the rent he gets.

I love dd, but I hate the way she treats me and her siblings.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 13:18:48

Married, yes I meant dd...stupid predictive text!

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 13:41:44

Well I guess now is as good a time as any to put my foot down. ds just text to say she would have to get a taxi as she couldn't get home, but that all she had left was ten pound from her birthday and she wanted that to go out with next weekend.

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 25-Nov-12 13:44:57

Ignore it for a bit. She will either use it or not. She has to take charge of her own money and must realise how to stretch it, as you have been doing with the familial budget.

Once she starts to have her own budget I think she will be less fussy about food and less insistent on big presents.

I would just make it very clear she is an adult and must start acting like one. In EVERY way, not just her own money, but lifts, work, laundry and cooking.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 13:46:07

Sorry, meant dd again.

marriedinwhite Sun 25-Nov-12 13:47:30

Doesn't seem as though her life has been very predictable and that she blames you for some of the unhappiness. That doesn't mean she can do what she likes, when she likes and nothing to help or take responsibility. She sounds like a bully.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 14:08:57

I have no doubt she blames me, and I think that's why I have let her get away with so much for so long...I feel like I have to constantly apologise to her for the past. But as adults we all have a choice about how we treat others, and whether we want to break the cycle or keep it going.

DameFanny Sun 25-Nov-12 14:27:05

Change the wifi password and don't let her have it. Put a padlock on the boiler cupboard to stop her turning the heat up. Lock away your painkillers. Stop the driving lessons till she gets a job , tell her there's no point unless she saves up for a car herself (imagine the problems if you let her drive yours).

And start giving yourself the respect she won't smile

When she tells you you have a responsibility towards her tell her yes, you do. You have a responsibility to make her a functioning, likeable part of society, and that's what you're going to be helping her with now...

MrsTomHardy Sun 25-Nov-12 14:31:28

Agree with DameFanny.

Def do not go and pick her up from her friends house. Let her use her £10. I tell my DS1 before he goes to his mates house whether I will pick him up or not, and I stick to it. He may text me 3 thousand times asking me to pick him up but I don't give in.

PlaySchool Sun 25-Nov-12 14:49:35

You are allowing her to treat you like this.
This is what I would do about the tweets - I'd say, "It has been brought to my attention that you are tweeting slanderous things about me. If that is how you feel about me and that is what you are telling the world about me, then I will act accordingly. You will have no more money, lifts, driving lessons, food, etc., etc. When you behave in an appropriate, mature and grateful way, I might think about helping you with your life, but until then I am done with you."
Withdraw absolutely EVERYTHING from her and I guarantee, her behaviour will improve.

Start training your DD to be an adult. She needs to learn to cook her own meals, and do her own washing, and make her own travel arrangements. Tell her she can have her driving lesson on every week that she's managed full attendance at college. Make her next birthday present a bike smile Explain to her that these are the life skills she'll need if she's ever going to live independently (which seems to be what she wants to do, from her tweets).

Brace yourself for the inevitable fallout - but also remember that this isn't mere posturing, this really IS preparing her for adult life, and she really will need those skills to survive. She may also, one day (don't hold your breath) thank you.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 15:06:42

I wish I had your wisdom all of you. I haven't gone to pick her up, and I won't. I told her she knew the situation when she went. Tomorrow she has a physio appt about 20 min drive away. I an going to give her the money to go on the bus rather than using my whole day up driving her there and back...as she doesn't take the physios advice it's a waste of time anyway. I'm really angry with myself for allowing myself to be walked all over, and am determined it stops now.

MrsTomHardy Sun 25-Nov-12 15:18:07

Start as you mean to go on NewPatches.
Today is the start of the new you.

Good luck!

stargirl1701 Sun 25-Nov-12 15:32:32

I would write a letter to her explaining how hurt you are. My Dad did this when I was 17 and thinking about leaving school early (I was feeling very overwhelmed by the exams). It really made me pause and think. I realise it's not quite the same but the impact may be as great. My Dad posted the letter rather than hand it to me. I still have it today.

Make it clear she has the choice to leave. She is legally an adult and can make her own choices.

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