Disloyalty and no respect from DD

(90 Posts)
NewPatchesForOld Sat 24-Nov-12 23:35:27

I've posted about my oldest dd before, but now a new situation has arisen and I'm a bit shell shocked.
She's 18.
She got a twitter account a few months back, and my son (who's 15) told me that his friends kept telling him she was posting horrible things about me on there. At the time he didn;t have twitter, but got it about a month ago. He told me she was posting things on there, so tonight I asked him to go back and check to see what it was his friends had been on about. Maybe I shouldn;t have looked, but at the end of the day if my own daughter is slating me in public I want to know about it.
Here is a selection of her posts...

"Seriously considering going to live with my dad, I effing hate it here"
"If I stayed out til this time mum would go mad but it's ok for her...she's just a dirty stop out" (first time I had been out in about 2 years and it was a one off wine bar/members club)
"Yes mother, a pencil skirt and heels IS too dressed up for the cinema (I'm not on twitter so why address it to me?)
"My family is so effed up it won't be long before it's on jeremy kyle"
"Does anyone want to let me sleep on their settee? I hate it here"
"Being used as an unpaid babysitter while my mother goes out enjoying herself"

ANd so on and so on...

Now, the tone of the posts was venomous. I bend over backwards for my kids - I pay for her driving lessons (I struggle on very little money), I rarely go out, I am always picking her up from college because she texts me to say she is cold and has missed the bus and the next one will be half an hour blah blah...
She thinks she is at the top of the pecking order in the house. I never get to choose what's on tv as she has the remote contol all the time, if she's off college sick she will lie on the settee all day watching tv with the heating on high (I'm struggling to pay the heating bills), she quite happily expects the money for her driving lessons every week and yet calls herself an unpaid babysitter (I go out no more than once a month now), and now that she's 18 goes out drinking and expects me to fund it (I don't), and then demands a lift when she's hungover the next morning from her friend's house.

Now, I KNOW I have brought a lot of this on myself, I have been too soft with her and now she rules the roost, but after reading the tweets I am so sad and hurt, and wonder what it is I have done so wrong to warrant being treated like that.

She called her brother a w**k stain on there, and her sister (who's only 8) a little b**ch, and a spoilt brat.

My head is spinning at the moment.

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 25-Nov-12 10:50:48

I would seriously consider asking her to move out. In a polite "aren't you grown up now!" way. The college will have provisions for student accom and she can share with her friends. Either that or go live with her dad. But I imagine he won't be too chuffed with that idea!

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 10:52:12

She is constantly at the Dr, has physio but never does the exercises. Her father wouldn't have her, he won't even have them stay over at xmas as he has no room for them. Her driving lessons were supposed to be the main part of her 18th birthday present, but she kicked off massively when I told her that, and said she wanted a Pandora bracelet, and a charm, and a day at a spa...I know I've been a mug.

marriedinwhite Sun 25-Nov-12 10:52:17

Stop the driving lessons
Stop picking her up
Stop giving her pocket money
Stop facilitating her idleness
Give her £1.90 per day for her lunch and let her deal with it
And if there's something you want to watch on TV tell her in advance it's going to happen.
Make an appointment with her tutor about her progresss at college

The wrist business is a major red flag for me. She does sound as though she has some major emotional issues to deal with also from the way she posts about what you are doing.

TBF I also have a nearly 18 year old and he can be an ungrateful little so and so who is always thinking ahead to what he's getting or doing next.

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 25-Nov-12 10:52:35

Lifelong commitment, sure, but not as a slave!
Make it clear to her that you see she needs independence, being so grown up and everything, and that you feel she is unhappy in your house, despite your best efforts. Therefore you have made the decision she would be happier elsewhere and has a month to find something suitable, perhaps her dad's?

Welovecouscous Sun 25-Nov-12 10:55:00

New then I think you have to think carefully about how to break the cycle - treat her like an adult with allowance/ tell her she has x time to find a job/ consider her moving to her dad's.

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 25-Nov-12 10:55:01

Let her have that convo with him, her dad, about no room. She needs to find these things out for herself and perhaps you have been the go between and she hasn't realised that really it is not possible. She needs to involve him in this too, as you have clearly done enough. Maybe he can help in some way with her living arrangements?

ledkr Sun 25-Nov-12 10:55:03

I agree about pulling back from doing everything. She has no respect for you because you don't command it with your actions.
Don't stop doing it all at once just steadily and don't do it in retaliation for the tweets do it because that's what you should be doing.
My 3 teens were allowed to stay at home as long as they paid their way and saw to themselves if they didn't like that they knew where the door was and two of them used it when they couldn't comply.
Try not to get drawn into rows about what you are not doing just don't do it and calmly explain that she is now old enough to do some things for herself.
Stay strong. She needs you to help her become a better person.

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 25-Nov-12 10:57:46

And re presents - I would set a £ limit and tell her. Either she can have the cash or you will get her something with it.

FWIW I moved out at 17 and my dad refused to get me presents for b.day and Christmas at all from age 14. It did indeed teach me to be more grateful so it's not to late to tone things down as long as you explain at the same time. She only looks childish and selfish to her friends when she kicks off on Twitter etc.

ledkr Sun 25-Nov-12 11:02:14

I did a course last week with work and research has shown that an empathic listening response to teens can help. I can pm you more details if you want to try it . Can't say I was empathic with mine though I just shouted back at them grin

colditz Sun 25-Nov-12 11:03:04

Actually, you'd don't have a lifelong commitment to her, you had an eighteen year commitment to her and her time is up.

You aren't doing her real favours, you know. Every time you do her washing, make her sandwiches and pick her up from college, you are disempowering her from adulthood. She may quite like being disempowered, but that doesn't mean it's right or healthy. My nine year old with asd would very much like to be spoon fed, but I won't, because he can feed himself and its appropriate for him to do so, because he is nine.

Well, your daughter is eighteen. Part of your job as her parent, if you still wish to engage as a parent (because you aren't legally obliged to), is to enforce age appropriate behaviour. For an eighteen year old, this means organising her own time, including education and transport, doing your own washing, and cooking your own food.

She's very spoilt. Remember, just because she has come to expect something does not mean she has a right to it.

legohouse Sun 25-Nov-12 11:05:41

newpatches...it's hard trying to get things right,i feel for you,it's not easy,i have had similar struggles (still am!) hang in there.

marriedinwhite Sun 25-Nov-12 11:08:17

Ledkr did you not find it difficult to be empathic to the usual:

"I'm so tired you don't understand" (when they have been out until 2.30am two nights running.

"I really need some new black skinnies" (when they have four other pairs of skinnies and shouldn't have got acrylic paint down the ones the have).

"OMG I can't exist without a phone - it's so awful - when their contract could be renewed on 8th November and they are angling for a better more expensive one and assure you they take great care of their things (when in reality over the contract one accompanied its owner into a swimming pool, one got nicked when the owner was mugged because he went to a party in a part of London he was advised not to go to by both parents, and one got dropped - oddly just around the time the contract could be renewed).

Empathy and late teens hmm easy to talk about - harder to do.

Uppermid Sun 25-Nov-12 11:22:11

Why are you still doing her washing? So she leaves the clothes on the kitchen floor - leave them there. She is behaving like a toddler having a tantrum and you are allowing her to get away with it. Did you let her get away with it when she was 2?

You say you want her to be a responsible young lady, then start allowing her to be one.

I had my 20 year old cousin live with me and dh for a couple of years, she'd go back home to her parents every few months and then expect picking up from the station when she came back to ours, I did it a few times as a favour but then started to resent it. So I just stopped and said sorry I can't. There were many other incidents where she just expected things to be done for her. Don't get me wrong we had many huge rows but I wouldn't stand for it. And I won't stand for it now with my own children.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 11:44:14

Back on my laptop so will be able to post properly again now.

Ok, so first of all I want to say I know I have brought a lot of this on myself. It takes a lot for me to admit this but...I think I am scared of her. Not physically, I mean the emotional and verbal fallout. I was in an abusive relationship some years ago, and I think that a) I have had enough of confrontations and b) I feel guilty about the children being in that situation.
So I'm not taking offence at anyone saying I am enabling her etc.

I am in so much pain today - the fibromyalgia can be debilitating sometimes and today is one of those days. I went to take my painkillers and find that DD has taken all mine as she can't be bothered walking to the dr (2 mins) to pick up her own prescription. Now I have no pain relief. If I go out today I will have to use a stick sad

Re: cooking...she is a vegetarian and I cook 2 lots of food every night, one for us and one for her - usually the same dish but using quorn but it still doubles my workload. And the sandwich thing - she text me on Friday to say she hadn't taken sandwiches in...she was waiting for me to say I would make her some and take them to college for her. I didn't. But that is what she expects. When I told her she had to make her own sanwiches she said 'that's not fair, you make them for DS and DD2, so why not me?'

Legohouse...thankyou smile

Colditz...I have said to her that now she is 18 my responsibility (as such) is over, that I will always be there for her but that she now has to stand on her own 2 feet, but she just chucks in my face that I chose to have kids and therefore I have to deal with it.

Sorry, I am just waffling now.

Please keep the comments coming. If I am to battle through this I will need support.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 11:46:11

Uppermid...you mentioned tantrums. She actually does have them. She stamped her foot in town the other day because I told her that if she wants a part time job she will have to take one in a shop/coffee shop etc and she thinks she will walk into a highly paid job from the start. She stood in the shopping centre and stamped her foot.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 11:47:38

ledkr...I do try and talk to her, and listen empathically. But she is such a closed book.

MrsTomHardy Sun 25-Nov-12 11:53:02

Agree with everyone else on here, stop doing things for her, just stop!!

My eldest DS can be very entitled about lifts to and from friends houses etc and he is very very lazy around the house but he is 15.....I know sometimes I give in to him for a quiet life but lately I have been getting better at saying No! He'll be 16 next may and he will be getting a part time job....otherwise his pocket money and phone contract stop....they only come to £27 a month but still, it's the principle!

marriedinwhite Sun 25-Nov-12 11:54:30

I think her behaviour is dreadful but do you think that underneath it she is suffering more emotionally than you realise because of past problems and this is a bit of a cry to see how far she can go for your love. Do you think it might be worth exploring counselling/camhs, etc?

You really do need to set out a few ground rules.

Laundry - only wash what is put in the basket.

Cooking - She has what you have but cut down the work. If you have spag bol, she has pasta with cheese or pesto; if you have burgers chips and beans she has an egg instead of the burger; if you have roast chicken with veg and roasties, she has the veg and roasties with cheese flan.

Money - she gets an allowance and has to sort out her lunch - either she makes sarnies or she buys it - let her work out the economics of it.

Driving - the lessons stop until the behaviour improves and she attends college regularly.

Work - if she wants more than the allowance covers then she needs to get a job - end of.

Lifts - can she cycle?

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 12:03:28

Marriedinwhite...no. I have thought about this, but she was difficult long before the abusive situation. Right from the age of about 4 really.
Cycling??? Ha, she has been told by GP to take up exercise as that will help her but she won't. As I said, she is lazy. The food thing, she is a vegetarian who doesn't like vegetables, fruit, cheese...she wouldn't eat flan. I spend a fortune on quorn and half the time she doesn't eat it anyway.
When she misbehaves she always says 'Oh, what are you going to do? Stop the driving lessons now?' I did it once but then gave in and let her rebook later in the week.

marriedinwhite Sun 25-Nov-12 12:08:37

Stop giving in and set some boundaries. It sounds as though every time you hear an excuse you make an excuse. She goads you because she knows you don't carry through. She's 18, let her leave if she wants. She'll be back in a few weeks and when she comes back you set the ground rules.

specialsubject Sun 25-Nov-12 12:11:57

wow.

no more washing. Dinner is what is there (stop pandering to fussy eating, and in your situation that includes vegetarianism). Eat it or go hungry - that's how a lot of the world works. The veggie thing sounds like princessy whining anyway, how can she be a vegetarian if she doesn't like vegetables?

no more money for anything apart from food and shelter. Not even education as she just wastes that. I would suggest adding love but she sounds really difficult to love in her present state - civility is about all you should manage.

continue until she turns into a human being. Most teens are little sods but they grow out of it eventually IF shown consequences. She is playing you. Sounds like you are the parent of the school nasty girl and that can't be much fun. Better late than never with the tough love.

best of luck. Sounds like you need it.

MrsTomHardy Sun 25-Nov-12 12:13:27

I agree....she is an adult now, if she doesn't like your rules then fine, she leaves

Stop giving in to her, she won't change her behaviour if she always gets what she wants

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 12:14:07

Yes, I have been pretty pathetic about it really. It's time I toughened up and shrugged my shoulders at her when she throws her tantrums. It's not going to be easy and my name will be mud on twitter but it has to be done.

MrsTomHardy Sun 25-Nov-12 12:15:53

Who cares what she says about you on Twitter....
Get tough and don't back down.

Good luck!

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 12:20:59

Specialsubject, it's funny you should mention the school nasty girl. I have had to go to her school numerous times to sort out problems, where she told me she was the victim but in fact it transpired that she had been instrumental in the whole thing. Even the police have been involved over Facebook malice, towards her, but when they've delved deeper she had been the one sending abusive threatening messages.

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