Disloyalty and no respect from DD

(90 Posts)
NewPatchesForOld Sat 24-Nov-12 23:35:27

I've posted about my oldest dd before, but now a new situation has arisen and I'm a bit shell shocked.
She's 18.
She got a twitter account a few months back, and my son (who's 15) told me that his friends kept telling him she was posting horrible things about me on there. At the time he didn;t have twitter, but got it about a month ago. He told me she was posting things on there, so tonight I asked him to go back and check to see what it was his friends had been on about. Maybe I shouldn;t have looked, but at the end of the day if my own daughter is slating me in public I want to know about it.
Here is a selection of her posts...

"Seriously considering going to live with my dad, I effing hate it here"
"If I stayed out til this time mum would go mad but it's ok for her...she's just a dirty stop out" (first time I had been out in about 2 years and it was a one off wine bar/members club)
"Yes mother, a pencil skirt and heels IS too dressed up for the cinema (I'm not on twitter so why address it to me?)
"My family is so effed up it won't be long before it's on jeremy kyle"
"Does anyone want to let me sleep on their settee? I hate it here"
"Being used as an unpaid babysitter while my mother goes out enjoying herself"

ANd so on and so on...

Now, the tone of the posts was venomous. I bend over backwards for my kids - I pay for her driving lessons (I struggle on very little money), I rarely go out, I am always picking her up from college because she texts me to say she is cold and has missed the bus and the next one will be half an hour blah blah...
She thinks she is at the top of the pecking order in the house. I never get to choose what's on tv as she has the remote contol all the time, if she's off college sick she will lie on the settee all day watching tv with the heating on high (I'm struggling to pay the heating bills), she quite happily expects the money for her driving lessons every week and yet calls herself an unpaid babysitter (I go out no more than once a month now), and now that she's 18 goes out drinking and expects me to fund it (I don't), and then demands a lift when she's hungover the next morning from her friend's house.

Now, I KNOW I have brought a lot of this on myself, I have been too soft with her and now she rules the roost, but after reading the tweets I am so sad and hurt, and wonder what it is I have done so wrong to warrant being treated like that.

She called her brother a w**k stain on there, and her sister (who's only 8) a little b**ch, and a spoilt brat.

My head is spinning at the moment.

cestlavielife Sat 24-Nov-12 23:59:31

And you taking about her on here is ....?

She isn't directing her tweet at you she is being ironic or trying to be clever to her followers .

Stop picking her up if there is another bus in Half an hour.

Get her her own small tv ?

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 00:01:53

Me talking about her on here is asking for advice from other single mums who might be able to help, It is certainly not slagging her off to the general public...none of you know me or her, whereas everyone on her twitter knows me and the family. That was just a selection of tweets, there are many more, some worse, some not so...but thanks for your support.

ProcrastinatingPanda Sun 25-Nov-12 00:07:28

I can't get past the fact that she's 18 shock I was expecting a 14yr old from the way you were talking. Stop doing things for her and giving her money, she doesn't respect you.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 00:12:39

Panda, I was hoping she would grow out of it...she has been very disrespectful towards me in the past, squaring up to me when she was only 14ish, a few months ago she goaded and goaded me and when it did turn into a row she grabbed my wrist and twisted it. She won;t get a job...I even took her into town the other day and walked around with her so she could apply for xmas jobs - she ended up handing in the grand total of ONE cv...she literally stamped her foot outside a card shop that was looking for staff and said she doesn't want to work in a crappy shop. Then she said it was MY fault she didn;t have a xmas job as I had left it too late!!!

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 25-Nov-12 00:15:36

I would ignore twitter but stop all the running around and pandering to her. She is an adult now and if she can't behave like one, she should move out.

ProcrastinatingPanda Sun 25-Nov-12 00:18:05

hmm she needs to grow up. Stop doing things for her, stop helping her until she stops treating you like something she stepped on. Are you taking digs from her? A percentage of her jobseekers for putting her up and I presume feeding her?

Personally I'd take her up on her offer of moving in with her dad.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 09:59:26

She doesn't work, she's at college 4 days a week, although she generally misses at least one day a week. I've tried to get her to do a part time job but she just won't work. She still expects pocket money. I pay for her driving lessons, her bus fares to and from college, she even expects me to make her sandwiches for her. Given the lack of respect I am really starting to resent the fact that I still have to do everything for her, when she is now an adult.

colditz Sun 25-Nov-12 10:04:29

"Given the lack of respect I am really starting to resent the fact that I still have to do everything for her, when she is now an adult."

You don't have to do anything for her, so stop doing it. Don't give her any more lifts, and if she kicks off, tell her that you've seen her posts on twitter, and don't wish to help someone who's so rude about you.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 10:12:26

I'm just waiting for a phone call asking me to pick her up from her friends house...she stayed the night despite knowing she has no way of getting home. She knows I have seen her posts on twitter, I was told about them before although I didn't know how horrible they were, and she said it's tough, I shouldn't have read them and she won't stop posting them. She literally documents my life on there...she even put how long I took to walk my boyfriend to his car a while back. Literally the entire village knows my business.

FannyFifer Sun 25-Nov-12 10:13:00

You make an 18 year old her sandwiches.
My 7 year old usually makes his own lunch FFS.
Stop doing things for her, stop paying for things, why are you paying for driving lessons, what's the point, she has no job to pay for a car or petrol etc.
Don't let her dictate the TV.

FannyFifer Sun 25-Nov-12 10:14:47

Also, completely immature but i would be very very tempted set up a Twitter account and post about her. smile

ProcrastinatingPanda Sun 25-Nov-12 10:16:27

Why are you going to pick her up? Let her walk home or figure out another way. She's 18, old enough to get herself home from a night out.

Gigondas Sun 25-Nov-12 10:17:19

What holla and Fanny said. Also let her walk back from her friends (you didn't say she was disabled - so it's not actually true she can't get back).

And the threat to live with her dad - let her.

Svrider Sun 25-Nov-12 10:26:47

You are treating your dd like a child
It cannot be a surprise that she's acting like a child
Ask her honestly about the college course, why is she missing days
Can you show her your finances, and ask her how she is going to contribute?
She needs to sort her own sandwiches
etc
You need to agree a rota for shopping and cooking
I take it your not doing another woman's laundry ?
Allow your dd to grow into a young woman
I think your enabling her childish behaviour tbh
All the best

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 10:29:54

I'm not picking her up, I just know she'll expect me to despite me saying I wouldn't. The 'funny' thing about all this is she goes mad if I talk to my mum or my partner about her, even if it's just about college, and yells at me saying I'm being disloyal. Her friend lives quite a long way from here...dd has hypermobility syndrome which does cause the joints to hurt but very selectively...doesn't stop her going drinking or clubbing or playing just dance on the Wii!

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 10:36:10

Svrider, yes I have enabled it to a certain extent but I would live her to grow into a young woman...I try and get her to grow up. She knows exactly what state my finances are in, but as she doesn't work she can't contribute. She knows how to use the washing machine but never ,does, instead she leaves a pile of clothes on the kitchen floor. The missing college is down to her saying she hurts, but then she will happily go shopping instead so I can only put it down to laziness. She is a grade a student and thinks that because her tutor said she is so fantastic that she is infallible.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 10:37:58

excuse the typos btw, I am on my phone at the moment so keep making mistakes.

ProcrastinatingPanda Sun 25-Nov-12 10:38:09

I have hypermobility syndrome but could still borrow money from a friend to get a bus home wink

Welovecouscous Sun 25-Nov-12 10:39:30

New, does she have any empathy at all? Can you try sitting her down and telling her how much her behaviour is hurting you?

rainbowinthesky Sun 25-Nov-12 10:41:18

You seriously need to step back as you are enabling her to behave in this way and allowing her to treat you like this. Why on earth are you doing her laundry, paying out for all these things for her if she won't get a paid job? She is 18. Let her be an adult and as for making her sandwiches....

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 10:41:38

Panda, exactly. I had cervical cancer this time last year, and I also have fibromyalgia so spend a lot of time in pain, but I still have to get on with life, as I'm sure you do.

Pull the plug now.

No more paying for driving lessons, no more doing her washing, no more making her sandwiches. If she is not at college turn the heating off and make her put on an extra jumper - tell her her driving lesson money is going towards paying the heating bills.

Just do something - don't moan about her whilst continuing to enable her treating you like a twat.

I would also maybe book an appoinment for her at the doctor - tell him she is in pain and try and establish a plan to help her with that - she will soon fall falt on her face if she is just using it to get her own way and get you to do things for her or stay off of college.

As for going to stay with her dad - what would her life be life then - will he allow her to get away with wht you do?

Svrider Sun 25-Nov-12 10:45:07

Leave her clothes on the floor!
Stop making her sandwiches
She's treating you very badly, and needs to contribute to the household
I did part time work whilst at college
I'm torn with the driving lessons tbh
My mum paid for mine when I was 17, for my birthday
The difference is I was very great full (and still am!)
Hope other posters have some ideas!

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 10:46:43

Couscous, no she has no empathy at all. I gothave cried in front of her before over athe easy she hurts me but it still goes on. Rainbow...she is a master of manipulation...when I tell her to stand on her own two feet she will say I have a life long commitment to her as her parent, that she didn't ask to be born and it was my choice to have her etc.

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