anyone feel like they are just "surviving" ; and don't really have a life?

(31 Posts)
dipndunk Sat 10-Nov-12 16:31:30

This is how i feel... feeling quite detached and like i am just surviving day by day. Not sure what the future holds and don't know how to change things. Im depressed, xh and i split in 2009 i felt better in a good place, until i met new partner and then we split. Feeling very lonely, worried about my son, doubt myself a lot. Yes, i think it is depression :-( i just want to feel me again, to be in control of my life, but i dont now how to do it. exh has new partner and i feel so lonely.. that horrible ache.. anyone had this?

linroz Mon 12-Nov-12 21:33:22

Yes, feel like just getting through each day, work, 4 kids,get home, cook, clean, shout at everyone, feel bad! Its a horrible feeling. I am better out of the house too and at weekends just get me and kids out as soon as possible to park etc. So many day to day things to fit in and nothing for me!! Generally go to bed hating myself, lost my temper with the younger two tonight...

TheDogsRolex Mon 12-Nov-12 17:22:43

Me op. I don't live, I exist. I've been a LP for 13 ish years but never have I felt as lonely as I do now. I had friends and work, I had interaction with grownups! I lost my job in the recession 2009 and I haven't been able to find a job since due to childcare availability/distance etc. My friends are all settled now and I only see one of them (not very often, we talk on the phone almost every day but it's not the same).

I can't drive, so i'm very isolated, some days I just don't want to get up at all. Every day is the same, watch "this morning", scour the job sites, clean the house, kids come back and fight, play games on the pc, go to bed and read. There's never anything to look forward to. It sucks. I could just fucking cry 24/7!

DoubleYew Mon 12-Nov-12 16:52:43

What about inviting someone over for a few drinks at yours once the dc are in bed? I'm trying to arrange this atm with some mums from playgroup.

duffybeatmetoit Mon 12-Nov-12 12:56:19

Only a few months in but would echo how others feel and can't see it improving. Not at all interested in finding new relationship but think things will always be a struggle financially and in finding any time for me. XH has moved several hours away and I have very little support locally and no money to pay for sitters (if I scraped together money for a sitter I wouldn't have enough to do anything).

liveinazoo Mon 12-Nov-12 04:10:04

my partner and i have been together nearly 10yr.we dont live together ,i care for the dcs<3 of them>while he works/does his own thing.he admits im like a single mum.our issues aside<this is how it has to be for u right now>

i get very lonely and feel like a duck-on the surface im bobbing ok,frantically paddling under the water

i know not making time for me or having friends in RL compounds the problem.im just so-and-so's mum,not zoo,a woman in her own right!

sadly,im not great at making friends and i dont have the finances for nights out/sitters<i dont have any family>

life can be very hard sometimes

somethings get easier as they get older though

in the mean time i come to MN when i need a laugh/rant/break and immerse myself in adult conversation!

notime2dance Mon 12-Nov-12 03:59:17

I split from ex in 2011, that was when I found out that the git had got married to someone else, despite us still being together. He had told his family that we had separated, but as far as I was aware we were still a couple.

At first I was devastated, but I picked myself back up, I am much better off without him, he was bringing me down. What I hadn't realised, was all the little put downs he was giving DD and I, always walking on egg shells was his way of trying to get me to split up with him, as he didn't have the guts.

Athendof Mon 12-Nov-12 02:32:51

That's very true. I have to say that given ex disgraceful behaviour after the split and the shortage of money (also due to ex not paying ), i am starting to wonder if I was better off putting up with him on a daily basis.

No actually... It was worse when we were together... Far worse.

avenueone Sun 11-Nov-12 23:56:28

never mind - it's only a little scratch - I had my biggest bumps when I wasn't having the panics.. keep going x

DoubleYew Sun 11-Nov-12 23:30:05

avenueone, I'm try to practice a bit when ex actually turns up to take ds. Scratched the car today sad.

Feckbox Sun 11-Nov-12 22:41:57

Attend of, it's almost like " pick your list of miseries"
The list is different if you go it alone but is still a list

Athendof Sun 11-Nov-12 22:21:06

I understand you feckbox, one of the things that I found more stricking after the split was that I had far less work to do and was less stressed than when he was around.

Having said that, I was able to relax about finances when he was around.

Feckbox Sun 11-Nov-12 22:00:52

yes , me. And i live with my partner and our children sad

avenueone Sun 11-Nov-12 21:49:45

thinkingitthrough please have the glass or three of wine - keep the taxi fare to one side so you don't need to drive - which is what I do. doubleyew I found my stress has caused me to have panic attacks driving, please try and keep at it. When I stopped it got worse, took me ages to get back, I am very slowly getting back into it.
gosh lone parenting takes it's toll in so many ways - I like the line about not taking all or credit or all the blame attheendof I think we seem to cope in similar ways but never thought of that, I think many people to get all the weight, good advice we should not.

fizzyone Sun 11-Nov-12 00:15:53

I only split from my ex a couple of months ago and have so far been dealing with his total freedom (and lack of responsibility) vs my total lack of it by thinking that surely he is going to change his tune at some point when he realises that he is ruining his chances of a proper relationship with his daughter... and at that point I will get some freedom/time for me more regularly when he steps up. Reading some of these, I'm not so sure that things will change after all....sad Athendof, your list is really very good

ThinkingItThrough Sat 10-Nov-12 23:56:36

I so feel like this! I used to be part of happy family of 5, lots of noise, always busy, things going on. Now on my own with children, don't feel like a grown up any more - all the resonsibility but none of the fun. No one to share with, feel I can't even have a glass of wine in case one of them has to go to emergency doctor or casualty. Having to rely on too many ready meals and quiet nights in while ex-p and new partner shop and cook together before going to the theatre. It is grim!! Life is getting up early to get them ready for school, work, picking up from school, carting around to activities, eating the ready meals (like cooking but can't cook and taxi at the same time!) and bedtime. Repeat endlessly - Groundhog Day!

I think it is true what sausage sandwich says - some circumstances would make anyone 'depressed' therefore may not be true 'depression' - putting that label on myself would scare me and make me feel I was failing. I prefer the option of cutting my self some slack and thinking, sod the house, the children are clean and fed, I'm doing ok. Until that nagging doubt kicks in again of course! I agree it is so hard to make plans for the future when the present is taking up every scrap of your energy!

DoubleYew Sat 10-Nov-12 23:13:41

YES.

Ds was in hospital the other week so I had to hang around with his dad. We split in the summer, he's already living with someone else. A new cinema / music venue has opened near us and he was asking if I'd been yet, telling me all the things they been to. WTF, no I spend my evenings trying to get ds to go to sleep, try and clean up etc etc.

I can't drive, I've had to put off lessons as I keep having panic attacks. Living with a toddler is so depressing as they are 100% selfish and self centred. They don't care about you, except what you can do for them.

Athendof Sat 10-Nov-12 23:00:38

Sorry, meant to say"no family around"

Athendof Sat 10-Nov-12 22:59:13

I'm raising a child on my own with family around and no involvement from the other parent. So... When I'm not at work Ds is with me. I don't think I'm depressed, I am exhausted and often bored, but things are looking a bit brighter now that DS is a bit older and we are sharing more interests and he doesn't need to be entertained all the time.

Things that have helped over time:
- use my annual leave to have time on my own to meet with friends, go for a ride/walk, or even to the cinema when Ds is in school.
- Send ds to bed in time. If he is in bed in time i have time to relax and catch up with other things like tidying up, catch up with friends in Facebook and even have some people around for a coffee. But most importantly, to rest. If I am rested I can cope better with things.
- don't put your child first all the time, you also deserve to be at the front if the queue from time to time. Which is a fantastic lesson for them in terms of considering other people's needs. Wie normally split the weekends as one day where we do something ds enjoys, the other we do something that I would enjoy, and finally, we have a day to do something together that we both enjoy (we count friday's evenings as part of the weekend)
- and finally, don't take all the credit, don't take all the blame. There would be times that things will go pearshaped but that is not necesarily a reflection of what you did or didn't do.

Ladylou83 Sat 10-Nov-12 22:21:11

Me! Feeling completely at an all time low at the mo. was thinking about seeing my gp as even I know I'm really not coping anymore

avenueone Sat 10-Nov-12 21:58:42

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this OP.
The noise issue sounds to me like you may be suffering from anxiety and/or stress. How much time do you get to yourself .. even if it is just when DS is in bed?
I started by making my social life involve my DS. It is amazing if you get out there how many people are in the same position and you can spend time together - the parents and the children have company and you feel like you are living more of a life.

niceupthedance Sat 10-Nov-12 17:32:09

I'd steer well clear of men for a while. See friends? Or just try and do things which make you feel good - a cliche but magazine, DVD, face pack etc? Treat yourself well and you'll find your way back eventually..

Hope that didn't sound too patronising. I don't have a life either!

Me me!! I've come off ad's this year at the moment I feel flat. I can't get excited about anything. I don't want to socialise most days I don't want to speak to anyone. I work full time so have no choice. I'm in a long distance relationship but that is a bit rocky at the moment.
I look at people going places doing things and feel so detached. Infant I was thinking of posting on here for some advice.

BooyhooRemembering Sat 10-Nov-12 17:05:45

and yes my EXp left 2 years ago and does pretty much what he likes. sees the dcs when it suits him never has to arrange or pay for a babysitter because i have them all the time. can have whatever hobby he wants, get engaged, buy his house and his new car and cut the child maintenance to pay for it if he feels like it. gets on my wick how little he has to think about WRT his children.

BooyhooRemembering Sat 10-Nov-12 17:03:17

yes i feel like this have done for about 3 years now. i have depression although at the minute i'm feeling alot better. for me the key is definitely to get out of the house as much as possible. they tiniest thing, like having a chat over the wall with my neighbour makes me feel so much better so i try to get out of the house as early as possible in the day. and get a bit of excercise (ignore if you already are), that makes me feel good too. try and get a routine of going out in the mornings, even just to the park or for the paper and putting yourself in people's way.i know it may feel like the last thing you want to do but once your in the conversation, you forget why you didn't want to in the first place.

dipndunk Sat 10-Nov-12 16:58:17

Bertiebotts - my son is 5

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