Father attempting Custody Please Help, Advise or Reassure???

[VVVVVworried]

Where to start.... this may be long.

X left 2 year ago. Left for heroin addict. He is/was also heroin addict. He was abusive towards me, he also took steroids, I was in denial but then he hit my children, not just little smacks, hard vicious smacks. I visited solicitor, to see about having him removed from the house, I was also in counselling I told this lady about smacks she reported to Social Services, I was told to go to Social Services right away. I advised I was having him removed from home, they said as long as DC stayed with g/p whilst he was in the home it was fine, they did not record this meeting after a week he was left from the house.

HE begged, he pleaded, he was sorry, he had seen the light, he was suicidal without us, he did not want a divorce he loved me more than life itself, he was bad, he could see this it would never happen again. I took thefucker him back. I hate myself for this.

Move on 8/9 months he left for heroin addict. I had no clue she was a heroin addict but met someone (bizarrely) they stay in a different town, she knew heroin addict g/f, her DC were in care. No way were my DC going there.

He came here to visit, he had no interest in DC, he still wanted to control me and discuss how we could ever move on from this, I couldn't. This went on for 1 year, irregulalry, no routinie, he would just show up.

I decided I could no longer have him around me as he was still controlling me, she was texting me, she even texted me to tell me they had just "made love" for first time, this went for months, I changed sim in phone. He would call the house weekly with his regrets, I changed home phone number, he told me DC would detest me when they grew up I believed him, I bought a phone so he could call them.

I said he could see DC via Lawyer, his parents when they cared for DC for 1 night per month or my parents at the weekend, he chose not to. A few months ago he asked if he could see DC through his parents I said yes, he has seen them twice in 9 months for lunch, he has questioned them on these vists regarding who comes to house. He had/may still have someone watching the house, he knew who was coming/going and one of these people was an addict I have known since school, it took a few months but I finally snapped and advised addict he could never come to the house as it was causing me hassle at home.

Heroin addict g/f children are still in care due to something to do with him, she can see then unsupervised but if he is there it MUST be supervised.

I have a letter from a safegaurder, recived this week asking my opinion on his suitability to be around young children, I have a sheet of facts, nothing too bad as I am terrified of him, I also have the interdict detailing abuse with my DC and me but one part of it is wrong, it says The School reported to SS.

He called DC phone today to ask if I had received Lawyers letter. I have not. He laughed and said "no-one believes you, why would you take me back if the abuse was so bad" I don't know?? Because I am stupid stupid woman?

I think he is going for custody of my DC, I am very worried and anxious and upset. After he abused me and raped me and ran me over he would write a letter/card of apology, I kept all letters. They detail his drug abuse, they detail how sorry he for running me over, and will never hurt me again.

Does he have any kind of hope of taking my DC from me?

I am terrified to show these letters but will if it means losing my DC. I found out after he left he watched porn in from of my 10 yr old. My Dc told me this, he watched it "every time I left the house" I don't want my 10 yr old questionned but realise it may come to this.

I am receveing couselling (freedom programme) with Womens Aid, he is all the thing they have in their book.

I don't know what I am asking, I am just very very sad and tearful and scared I may lose my DC. Apparently his Lawyer believes him and I believe this as he Jeklye/Hyde and can be very very plausable but why would I phone the police??

I am scared.

SW think he is beating her but cannot prove anything she will not say a bad word against him, I have been there but would never choose my DC over him ~ she has.

I could say more but fear he may see this, he used to put a keylogger on my PC, I know he cannot do this as he is not here but I am still scared, does anyone have any advice, re-assurance, anything?

Thanks for reading I know it is long.

Sorry if I have typos but bit upset, screen a bit fuzzy!

So he has hardly been in their lives for 2 years? A counsellor reported her concerns about him to Social Services and he was removed from your house? There will be records of that.

He doesn't have any realistic chance of having these children living with him. Not unless you have suddenly morphed into an axe weilding homicidal maniac and he has successfully completed psychotherapy/anger management etc, etc.

I know these kind of relationships with physically and emotionally abusive men can do a real number on you and cause you lots of confusion and worry. But please don't panic. Go and see your lawyer and make sure any arrangements for contact between him and the children are safe and supervised because he sounds pretty undesirable to put it mildly.

Yes I have the interdict here detailing his abuse.

I am no an axe maniac just very very drained with him and the situation

I have today decided he is not seeing the DC at all.

I have a list of facts for the Safegaurder regarding her DC and his suitability without sounding like a bitter ex as I am well rid and know this. I will also, although I am scared to, show her the interdict detailing the abuse to me and DC.

My Lawyer only just closed the case on my file as I was divocing him but cannot do so as Legal Aid wanted quite a sum of money even though he left me piled in debt which I cleared.

I have been worrying about the Safegaurder all week, I cannot move house as it would disrupt DC very much and they really do not want to move house, I want to run and hide, now I am worrying what I will receive from his Lawyer regarding my DC.

He is whacko/unstable/volatile/voilent, I was/am/have been upset all day and that is just hearing his voice for the first time since December but he is very very believable/plausable.

One part of me thinks, her DC are in care so why would his Lawyer think it is safe for him to have my DC but another part of me is just worried sick. He is also a compulsive liar to the point he believes his own lies. His g/f is much the same, they have a baby due in 3 weeks.

I have spoken to SW,they have no record of our meeting, they recently changed to PC files and think, it may have got lost "in the system" it is however detailed in the interdict I had taken out on him in 2009 which I have here.

Maybe I have posted this is the wrong section and should move to divorce/seperation? He has had no anger management counselling, he believes he has no "anger problems".

spero thank you for reading all of this, reading your post back it makes sense. I am possibly over-worrying.

He has the ability to make me do this.

He has seen dc twice in nine months.
So he is not going to get them living with him any time soon.

Unless you also have addiction/drug use etc ? In which case they not going to take them from you to him are they? Assuming you are not an active user or addict then you have nothing to worry about but you need to tell truth to a lawyer and give the evidence where he admits to the assaults etc.

You need to give all the evidence the letters etc to a good solicitor .

I don't know what a safeguarde r iis or why they writing to you but i don't see why you should be commenting. If you don't think he should be around your children unsupervised then either respond with " I cannot comment" or tell the truth that he is an abusive person who assaulted you. And they should write to your solicitor .

ASk women's aid to help you find a lawyer specialised in domestic abuse who will understand why you have kept these letters and not shown them before.

Can't read and run - I think you need specialist legal advice too - big hugs

No I am not an addict, I am however prescribed 5mg of diazepam in morning and 5mg in evening for anxiety?? So yes I guess I am an addict.....I am on a reduction of 2mg every fortnight but not until DC are back at school as it can make me weepy and a little unstable, I may speak with GP and say I want to start reduction now.

I have a good lawyer so will call her on Monday and I guess by then I will have received his Lawyers letter and know what he wants for sure.

I have been advised by a Social Worker close friend to give the safegaurder my facts, safe-gaurders are brought in by the court when SW are getting no-where and cannot make a decision, they are there to ensure the safety of the DC who are in care, so this is very important, they are due a baby in a few weeks, baby will immediately be put on "at-risk register" there will be a hearing for this and my comments may be detrimental (sp) regarding g/f's DC safety .

I am also calling police on Monday to seek advice on a panic button in the house.

Thank you for your advice I appreciate it very much.

My lawyer does specialise in DV situations but I will ask her advice to see if there is a better/one she would recommend, unfortunately my support worker is on holiday for the next week.

Thanks for the hugs, very much needed!

Sorry that is confusing will ask Support Worker when she returns, if it is not too late.

Prescribed medication for anxiety does not make you an addict I meant are you or have you been a heroin user like your ex? You don't have to answer on here but you do need to tell your lawyer everything so they have the full picture.

Also whether your ex .s addiction was recorded and known eg by doctors or police ?

If you are not a user of illegal drugs then clearly there is nothing That would make you unfit mother.

Speak to women's aid again they will tell you how it is not unusual to take someone back wanting to believe they are sorry etc. you now know that you fell for it... But now you are stronger .

I suggest you ask your lawyer about how to respond to the safeguarde r .
Given he is your ex it seems odd they asking you for your opinion. You could ask to be interviewed with your lawyer present for example. Don't write or meet with them alone.

However you should be truthful if you are required to say something and tell them what has happened and why you don't want him seeing your dc.... It is not your role to give an opinion about any other children he may have. All you can do is answere questions related to your own dc and why you don't want him around them.

It is not your problem that your ex is not fit be around this new baby.
Your say so won't be the only evidence because you are his ex... If they want to come ask you questions you could answer them but it just sounds odd if they asking you for an open ended "reference " ?

And really, for the sake of the baby and knowing what you know, would it not be better that you tell the whole truth? But you can only say what your experience has been. It is not your job to assess his risk. But given what you told us, you also don't want to say nice things about him and later hear bad stuff happened? All you can do is tell the truth as it happened to you.

Or say "no comment " . But maybe that won't help your case...

Also does the lawyer already have copies of those letters ? Does she have the full story ?

If you are worried about your safety because of what you will be saying about him then you should ask lawyer for advice and maybe police.

OP, he has no chance of getting residence. I'm off to bed now, but suggest you repost in Legal where several lawyers (inc myself tomorrow), will be happy to give advice.

Thank you both, no never been an addict I DETEST the stuff.

I have in my list, of facts:

He has only had supervised contact with my dc, twice in 9 months

I have no opinion on his suitability only he can be volatile,

I would NEVER take him back

The house is calmer, happier, more peaceful since he left

The date he left

I have changed sim card many times, due to threats i.e smashing my windows, if she wants to know further she can access police records

I have bought DC mobile to enable lines of contact kept open

He has never bought DC any birthday xmas gifts, but did phone DS to say he would be down shortly with gift

I have concerns about him seeing DC due to past drug use and abuse

I have concerns about g/f seeing them as she believes in giving DC " a good slap" I do not

I had to stop vists at my home due to him not seeing boys but questionning me and asking if we could "work things out", messing with my brain

I have police liason officer, I will call him Monday too, I couldn't find legal section, I will look again then try get some sleep/rest.

Thank you both, it is very much appreciated! I have the book the Dominator and realise now what a fool I was taking him back, I really thought he would change, I guess I wanted him to change and as my book says your mind starts playing tricks/you start believing their beliefs, after so many years of this abuse.

No I will not meet her (safe-gaurder) alone.

Sorry I keep skimming back,I explained to lawyer re: safe-gaurder, she advised she see interdict. I feel safe-gaurder should know truth but worry for my safety! I feel like I am taking the baby away I know I am not but feel I am helping Courts do this, which I am.

Oh its just horrid.

Thanks again I am now going to find the legal section and attempt to link to this section, so legal section can see what has been discussed.

I may need to move house.

OP, go to Talk, then Topics, then about two thirds down the list is Money and Legal. click on it, and Legal will come up

He does not stand a chance. My ex was going to try and get custody he is a good dad, good job, good relationship with DS, no history of violence or drug/alcohol abuse. Anyway he was told he did not stand a chance of getting custody at all so dropped it so your ex with his history is stand no chance whatsoever.

Stay strong and being on diazepam as long as it is prescribed does not make you an addict. I would stay on it while all this is going on as it will help you cope better.

Tell the truth and you'll be fine and it could be very cathartic for you.

Thank you, I found legal last night, eventually it was kinda staring me in the face, I do want off these pills anyway, hence cutting down 2mg per fortnight/month (whatever is easiest) I don't like beiing "addicted" to anything, he is horrid horrid man, he confuses me and knows it he says the most horrid/weird things like "I have a legal document with your name on saying you a grass and grass all drug dealer in the area" then "watch your car it's gonna get pulled for your drug dealing"????

I swear I have cut myself off from everyone who could ever be seen as bad influence and I have such a non-existant life it is unbeliveable, I did be-friend an ex addict as I thought since she was clean she would be okay and our DC are in school together but it turned out she was a bit erm... unstable and frequently I had her DC at my door looking for her in evenings so I would end up trailing the streets looking for her....so had to un-friend her, so to speak, in a round about way. He detetsed her, (he wasn't living here) but would phone and say x is a junkie, do u know what your doing, get the fuck out of my boys lives.

So I did, he then threatened to contact social work and say I smoked weed, which I did (he used to deal it ) but I only smoked it on a Fri/Sat evening, so I stopped that in January.

I am trying to stop smoking, although I know SW cannot do anything about me doing that, I don't think, I do it outside.

I am a paranoid/nervous wreck!!

I really don't want to tell about him watching porn in from DC I kow this is child abuse but also know my DC would have to go through questionning, I don't want that for DC.

firstly, i'm really sorry you're going through this :( rest assured that there is no chance he would be awarded custody based on what you have told us above.

stop being so hard on yourself. being on diazepam for anxiety will not go against you. it is more likely that the fact you're in counselling and on medication because of his domestic abuse will help you. you are doing everything right - you're engaging with social services etc.

has the court appointed a CAFCASS worker to visit you and the children at home?

No,nothing has happened as yet apart from a threatening call fromhim telling me to "think back a few months ago" I have thought and thought and I have clue what he is taking about, he plays mind games.

When I phoned SW months ago, to ask their opinion on whwther he was fit to see them, they would not give me a straight answer, they said I had to make up my own mind, I did and decided supervised contact was the only was I wouldlet him see them, I have since been advised by WA that if I had let them see him unsupervised and something happened they would have been down on me like a ton of bricks, it's all very confusing.

Thankfully I used to work in this field but only Admin so have a little bit of knowledge, I also have a very close friend who is head of a SW Team and she has been advising me but due certain circumstances she can only say so much.

I do know there is only one other case like theirs in this Town and the child ended up dead.

I guess /I worry as he is very very plausable, he has been giving samples, 1 has been clean but everyone is aware it would not be "his sample" as he doesn't get followed to to loo. I know through "talk" he is still involved in drugs (selling), I know for fact she is now on methadone.

His drug taking has never been through any agency he buys off the streets.

Oh and "have you received a lawyers letter yet?" "no-one believes I abused you as you took me back".

His apologetic letters include:

Steroids, methadone, green stuff (again methadone), valium, apologing for hurting me, apologising for running me over (this was because I was wolf-whilsted at whilst getting out the car) apologising for falling asleep any times (falling asleep = smashed out of his), apologising for dropping a joint AGAIN on the bed-covers, I sometimes wonder how he never set us alight, I used to have to stay awake to watch he didn't burn the covers. Also apologing for being so aggressive and being very very angry with DC.

He really does not stand a chance. Even if you do get a lawyers letter do not worry about they are paid by your Ex to write what he is demanding. First letter maybe to test the ground and you can also reply with copies of evidence that he is not fit to parent your children.

My ex wanted me to force a sale on the house he does not even pay for and his solicitors letter was very bullying telling me I would have huge costs to pay by fighting it blah blah. I thought bollocks to that and replied stating my point of view and why I thought no judge would agree with ex etc etc. 2 days after speaking to his solicitor I received a text to say he was no longer going to take me to court. They will be bullying you into backing down and he will also know how you will react to such letters same as my Ex has done over a variety of things.

Don't let it worry you. The best to thing to say is 'go to court then' show him you don't feel at all threatened by his bullshit. Make sure you take photocopies of all the evidence you have against him and give it to a trusted friend. So that their is more than one copy of it all.

There is much research done on why abused women take their abusive partners back so you really have no need to worry about that comment. He is saying that to threaten you and continue the abuse.

Get hold of your social worker and keep them in the picture about what your ex is doing to you.

Never in a million years will he have custody of your kids. Do you have a residence order?