Mumsnet Talk

Split with exH 9 months ago when baby 3 months old due to his affair. He is now moving in with this woman 300 miles away into her house. She has no kids. He sees our son every fortnight for the weekend.

In feb he is having him:

A- for 9 days - longest my son has been away from me (he's one)
B - in Blackpool and I'll be in London so can't 'pop' round for a quick reassuring visit or be there quick if there is a problem
C - he'll meet this other woman for the first time so lots of contact with a complete stranger
D - I'll meet her at handover. Really don't want to as between them they ruined my and my sons lives last year. We're getting there now, but my family is broken because of them. Want to ignor her, but feel I should spend ages telling her about baby and what he likes (but his father could do this) or finding out how good she is with kids- feel like I'll probably want to be a bitch though! Aargh!

Firstly how to cope with this week
Secondly, Do I need up become friends with this woman? I really don't want to or think I could but want what's best for my son? She won't be seeing him apart from these concentrated bursts as they live so far away

Help!

In all honesty I wouldn't let him go. He's still really little, 9 days is a long time & it's a bloody long way away. Is this something you have to agree to if you're not happy about it?

Too far for too long IMO.

if he already has him overnights for the weekends and you trust him to care for your son then actually it should be fine.

unless other woman is axe murderer etc then you have to trust his judgement

my Ds stayed with grandparents at 11 months for what turned into four weeks (not my choice my now ex messed me around) but in all hosesty he was absolutely fine - i wasnt but he was!

and london to blackpool is around three hours on train - you can get there if you need to (and back again) in less than a day

I wouldn't let him go. Sorry.

I wouldn't let him go either.

To address your second question, no you don't have to be friends with her, that's something personal to you that you can choose to do. I wouldn't recommend being unpleasant to her face though, that's for a night out with friends where you can slag her off to your heart's content (and I think you ought to get it off your chest to someone if you haven't already).

Have you thought about writing a manual for looking after your child? It might sound a little odd but it will get it off your chest. You can then decide what bits if any to give to this hussy woman and your ex.

I would spend my week relaxing and looking after you, do some yoga, have a massage, cook yourself some great food and find a toyboy.

I wouldn't let him go

For what it's worth, if I was the OW, I would be bricking it

I wouldn't let him go. WTF? He's a baby. Totally politically incorrect, but IMHE he needs his mum (or primary care giver). 9 days is waaaay too long. If they want to see him for 9 consecutive days, tell them to come to your town and visit daily.

Re. being 'mates' with this woman. No need. although need to be civil incase one day she becomes DS's stepmother.

My DD first had a full week with her dad at about that age. She was OK about it - had had weekends beforehand.

To answer your questions - how do you cope? Keep as busy as possible, go away if you can and enjoy the break, or if you have to work then try to fill all your evenings with things to do. If you're out making the most of your free time, you won't miss him too badly. It's sitting round in an empty house that will make you sad. Make sure your ex gives you some means of getting in touch and make sure he's OK about you ringing him each day if you need to. At that age DS probably won't want to talk to you himself on the phone (and may just get confused if he hears your voice, unless he's used to that) but I would always want to be able to check how they're getting on.

And in terms of how to deal with the new woman - Would try not to think about her too much - and certainly don't go telling her what to do. Tell your ex whan DS needs in terms of looking after, and keep all your dealings through him. Over time the new woman may become an important person to your DS, but she certainly isn't right now, so try not to worry about her. She'll probably be feeling pretty nervous about meeting you so if you're polite and pleasant to her, I'm sure that will be all anyone would ask. Over time, who knows? I'm certainly not friends with my ex's DW, but am polite to her, and she is back to me. That works fine.

I wouldnt agree to him going either, 9 days is too long at that age, far too long.

you can not legaly prevent it unless you have concernes you would be willing to take though the family court...That is the way you need to logicaly look at it, you will get the argument from others that his dad is as equal his parent as you are, I do not agree with this if he sees him for weekends once a fortninght, but you can not get away from the fact that is a valid view point and holds alot of weight

Personally, in your situation I would not be comfortable with this and although I would accept I could not prevent it I would be doing this a) talk to ex p about your concernes and b) reach a compromise.

I would then be expressing to him what you would like to happen maybe this would look like, your dc getting to know her more before going for 9 days, maybe have two or three weekends at his house, so the routine for ds is not disrupted, have the 9 days at his house and not 300 miles away and agree to a longer maybe 9 days visit at easter time or the summer when ds is familiar with her. Then listen to what he says or would like it to happen and why and give him due consideration and agree to what you reasonably feel you can, it may involve you feeling anxiouse concerned etc, but if it is reasonable reach an agreement

If he or you are unreasonable and you are unable to reach a compromise then there is a break down in communication and neither of you were able to reach a decission, that is reason enough to prevent/stall it and seek mediation untill you are both able to reach positive resolutions and communicate effectively. If the process of mediation has began then the court are unlikely to get involved, if that is a concern for you. make notes of how the converstaion and attempt to compromise went and state your concerns keep them unemotional and practical and use them in mediation if you cannot reach a compromise.

although are you sure ds has never met her? after 9 months and moving in together I find that unlikely just maybe you where not aware. Find that out too as if he has known her every other weekend for 9 months he may be ok, does not excusse that he may have lied to you but may reassure you that infact ds may be ok with it. find out as it may actually alter your concerns for ds spending so long with her and so far away.

Well I have to say that this should be fine and I wk appalled at the comments on here but then its nothing less than what I expected to hear. The fact is your child is his child too. I think everyone posting "dont let him do it" is giving very bad advice.

Allow me to put this into a perspective to beat the "dont let him go" viewpoint. If you were still with your ex would you both stop eachother from going? Would you sit down together and day I don't think we should go because he's 1. Didn't think so.

I can't believe people are willing to say that are trying to disagree with this and somehow saying they are only thinking in the interests of the child.

Let him go

I don't think the OP is asking whether she should let him go is she? Either she has no choice because this is a court agreement. Or they are amicable and she knows it's the right thing to do for all concerned. That doesn't necessarily make it easy though. Sometimes we do things that we know are in our children's best long-term interests, but are nevertheless really hard to do. Being apart from your 1 year old whilst they spend their first full week with their other parent is one of them in my opinion. I wish you well with it.

I dont agree with Riakin, I dont think you can compare this to a family living together with bot parents making this decision. The 1 year old child from 3 months old has seen his dad once a forgtnight. His mother is his main carer and so being away from her for 9 days with someone he sees once a forghtning would be unsettling, father or not. How on earth can you uild a relationship with a child like that. It is arrogant and selfish for him to think he can.

no different to granparents or other family members - in know many people whose young children see granparents regularly liike once per month then stay with grandparents for a week or two week while parents go off on holiday...

this is child's father who has seen him regualry - of course is enough to build a relationship with child and know their likes dislikes needs.

I dont agree, I would not sent my 1 year old for a week with granparents or other family members or friends.

That's a tough one, really tough for you. 9 days is a bit too long, but there really isn't anything you can do about it apart from feel uncomfortable, upset and annoyed. But those are your feelings, not your DS's.

As others have said, unless you have concerns of the sort that might stand up in court, there's nothing you can realistically do. He is his father, he's seen him regularly with overnights, and if he's been a good father to your DS, then that is what you have to hold onto.

You can ask him if he could make it shorter, but if he won't or can't, then it may be best to let it go for the compromise of maintaining a civil enough relationship with him.

Perhaps it would help you to make it clear to your ex that whilst you're not happy about the length of time, you understand that he's DS's father and will take good care of him, and you would like some re-assurance from him during those 9 days along the lines of daily updates as to how he's been?

some people would not leave one year old for a week and others would - but there is no welfare reason why not.

I did not suggest there was cest

It will be a tough 9 days for you washing especially as he is young so arrange lots of 'adult' things that you wouldn't normally do when he is with you. When my DC's (although older) went to Spain with their Dad for 10 days I was dreading it but after I had waved them off then I could count down the days until they were back.

With regards to the OW i can imagine you feel alot of anger to her, I would in the same position. One of the best pieces of advice someone gave me is that they had to view their ex's girlfriend(s) as someone who would be in contact with their child regularly and that they wanted to get on with someone wh featured in their childs life. Keeping this in mind I would much rather be on speaking terms with that person however much it hurts.

I'm totally agree with the view point of not letting him go, if your ex was a constant feature in his life then maybe a night or two would be ok but in the circumstances you mention your ex doesn't see your son day in day out and in my humble opinion your lo would suffer separation anxiety from being apart from you for this length of time and therefor be detrimental to your son's emotional welfare x

Agree with Betty. Clearly when couples split up then it is in the child(ren)'s best interest to maintain as good as relationship as is possible with both parents, but a one year old is still a baby, often breastfeeding, usually in a fairly structured routine, and with a close attachment to its primary caregiver (for sake of argument) his/her mother. To take a child away from his mother at this age is unnecessarily cruel. Personally I would not spend any extended periods away from our DC until they were 3ish, and even then together and in a familiar environment for 2 or 3 nights at the most.

My issue would not be with the baby establishing a relationship with another (hopefully caring and eventually loving) relationship with the new partner in your XH's life, but there are ways of doing this, and I think this would be detrimental to your son's welfare, and risks compromising your relationship with your son too.