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CSA advice for a man.

(171 Posts)
GHoll Thu 07-Feb-13 18:27:52


hope you don't mind if I ask a question and get your opinion, I will try to relay the facts without exaggeration and keep it short.

I have a 12 year old son who I have supported financially and spent alternate weekends with him since birth, i have a legally signed PRA form.

For 10 years I have given him mum between £350 and £400 / month till 2011. In addition I pay for his social needs, clothing, educational aids, school uniform, entertainment, Tennis lessons, kick boxing, gymnastics, swimming, theatre, private tennis coaching, mobile phone bills, opened a savings account, started a Junior ISA and saturday language classes.

I am a normal guy on an average London salary, before my own mortgage and bills and expenses.

My son is mad about tennis and so we agreed to cut his other activities and focus on that, he competes at junior level and wants to be a Professional, tennis is not an easy or cheap sport, alot of coaching and matches and ferrying around, which is costly and time consuming, but happily deal with.

During that time, I have been falsely accused of assaulting her, reported to police, her family verbally attacking me, my son being told im irresponsible father, and was never there for him as a baby, I hit her, bullied her, im a liar and unreliable, cutting our phone conversations short, hanging up his phone when I call, not taking him to tennis matches on her weekend, I am not allowed to take him either.

I have put up with this for a long time and decided it has to stop now. I normally just ignore it all and carry on, but im starting to despise her deeply and the image she has portrayed me to be, to my son.

As of this month I stopped the monthly direct debit to her and decided to pay his needs myself to the parties concerned. I Contacted the mediation people and explained the situation, before going to court. I have not taken this step before as I dont want to harm my son. I want her to take up her issues with me not him, I feel she must not involve or attempt to influence his feelings towards me with false accusations.

30mins ago, I received a call from the CSA.

If I pay her directly, all his activities will stop, no tennis, no savings policy, no ISA, no meaningful sport, she has made it clear she does not want him to be a tennis player, but he has his heart set on playing tennis.

If I prove I invest over and above what I should pay her, and he gets what he needs, does this matter to the CSA? Will they be happy with that? I can prove all of the above.

Apologies, no short way to explain.


GHoll Thu 07-Feb-13 20:58:54


This has been going on for a long time, these issues have been raised over and over and over with no attempt to ease, understand or assist the situation.

I was not and did not expect it to go down well.

betterthanever Thu 07-Feb-13 21:00:43

She knows how to press your buttons. You are more concerned with money than your son's welfare. Many parents I am sure would love to give their children tennis lessons but they just can't afford it. It sounds like you can't afford it. It is sad when we want to give our children things we can't afford but to push the financial burden of other more mundane things on someone else so you can look like Mr Big Time with your tennis lessons doesn't wash with people who just want their children cared for.

glitch Thu 07-Feb-13 21:02:14

But what she spends is none of your business. The CSA website will confirm how much you need to pay in child support each month and anything above that that you choose to pay for you can do directly.

Daddelion Thu 07-Feb-13 21:04:52

You've been paying for 12 years, you've got probably 6 years left of dealing with your ex, all things pass eventually.

Pay the CSA and pay for the tennis if you can.

Your son will know in the end what sort of person you are.

babyhammock Thu 07-Feb-13 21:06:58

Ok so what is 15% of your salary then? Is it less than the £350 -£400 you have been giving her?

SignoraStronza Thu 07-Feb-13 21:09:13

I can see you are frustrated but the simple answer would be to pay the csa minimum to the resident parent and then decide for yourself what 'extras' to fund. That is what most reasonable non resident patents would do.

If coming to an agreement with the mother, use the csa calculator and work out your monthly maintenance.

If you can't agree (for most employed people on paye it should be pretty straightforward) then she is perfectly entitled to request the csa do this on your behalfs.

Demanding a list of expenditure and niggling over every single item is, quite frankly, ridiculous. I'm not feeling one iota of sympathy for the situation you appear to find yourself in.

GHoll Thu 07-Feb-13 21:21:25

Whilst I am happy to debate this and hopefully get some clarity i cant help but notice 90% of responses have focussed on this one action, the DD.

Whilst im not expecting support of my actions, interestingly just one person responded to her systematic and prolonged attempt over the years to influence my sons feelings for his father, her appalling behaviour towards me, slander, false accusations of assault and lack of sufficient interest to take him to the occasional sporting event outside school, instead I have been called a lowlife absent parent and controlling.

Some criticism I accept, but where is the balanced view, where is my advice on how to deal with the less tangible matter of money, which is far more damaging to my sons long term wellbeing?

Is that not the definition of unfair and controlling.

GHoll Thu 07-Feb-13 21:22:04

babyhammock, it works out about £250/mth.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Thu 07-Feb-13 21:31:17

G, you called the thread "CSA advice" so posters are giving you CSA advice. It's horrible that she name calls you but it's a separate issue to maintenance.

mamadoc Thu 07-Feb-13 21:36:03

You posted it in legal not relationships so you are getting advice on the legal position which is that you as Nrp are required to pay her as rp a certain amount based on your income, discounted for the time he spends with you for your sons basic needs.
His actual expenses, her income and her behaviour are not taken into account. She can spend it on what she likes and doesn't have to justify it to you. That's just the way it is.
You really only have two choices reinstate the dd and carry on as before or let the CSa assess you for the minimum and spend the rest in a way of your choosing.

SignoraStronza Thu 07-Feb-13 21:36:59

I'll say it again. You DO come across as very controlling. Certainly from a financial point of view. After all these years you are very bitter. I can't help wondering why exactly you split up when your son was 2 and how much untruth there is in his mother's allegations.

How does your son feel about being denied his sporting activities on the weekends you aren't with him? You keep banging on about your son's welfare but yet there is no indication of how all this bickering actually affects HIM. I do wonder whether he's actually as enthusiastic about all this sport as you are.

If the csa calculator says £250 a month then that is what you should pay. Do it via the csa so that you may feel vindicated that you are paying your way. Pay extra for sporting activies that he can do when you are with him.

Then leave it at that.

babyhammock Thu 07-Feb-13 21:40:32

So you earn £1700 pcm after tax then? Is that an average London wage?

Right, well give her that and then pay for the extra's you would like him to have. If you have been giving her as much as you say then there will be plenty of lee way for that even if you're hoping to reduce your outgoings.

But you can't then ask her to tell you what she spends it on...
And asking several parents at the school how much they spend on toiletries does come across as pretty controlling tbh.

ivykaty44 Thu 07-Feb-13 21:52:23

Why does your sons mother not want him to play tennis or be a pro?

Why or how do you know that your sons mother is talk about you in a negative way to your ds?

glitch Thu 07-Feb-13 22:09:21

I am a little confused as to your issue regarding the child support payments.
If you have put your net salary into the CSA calculator and it comes out with £250 then why not pay £250 a month via them and then still provide the additional things for your son directly?

You will have no need to communicate with your ex directly which may help both of you.

GHoll Thu 07-Feb-13 22:17:05


Don't mean to be rude but your subjective responses clearly suggest you either didn't ready my post or your choosing to ignore it. We split before Either of us knew she was pregnant, never married.
That probably changes nothing in your clearly one sided opinion. You are happy to judge me, which is fine but question the validity of the rest of my statements. That's fine, but I whole heartedly disagree with you if that's how you would behave in a similar situation.

ArtexMonkey Thu 07-Feb-13 22:24:55

Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean absent parent, I mean nrp of course.

I still maintain that nrps who don't pay for their children are low lives. I never at any point called you a low life. Just pointing that out.

Ad you don't need a breakdown of what she spends, csa amount is 15% of your salary, the end. It sounds like things are very acrimonious between you, perhaps it is best to do everything through the csa after all?

Piemother Thu 07-Feb-13 22:26:53

Re the expense breakdown - see this is why CSA is a flat rate. Can you imagine what would occur if all rps had to supply expenses and then have the NRP judge what they should pay toward them. Sigh. I'm disappointed she complied really. If have told you to bog off.
Yy to your actions sounding like you want to teach her a lesson too.
You should repost in AIBU wink

STIDW Thu 07-Feb-13 22:33:54

Don't delay contacting the CSA. If they can't get the information they require they will approach your employer for the details then again to deduct child maintenance and any back payments from the time they first contacted you from your salary if you don't voluntarily pay the assessed amount.

SignoraStronza Thu 07-Feb-13 22:35:02

Ok, my mistake. You split up when she was pregnant. So let me get this straight.

Your son is 12. For ten years of his life, until 2011, you paid £350 to £400 per month to his mother.

You have recently (last month) stopped the direct debit.

So how much were you paying and to whom between 2011 and the moment you stopped the direct debit?

Who was taking the direct debit from your bank account?

Were you already paying via the csa and suddenly stopped payment?

You came on here for legal advice and your holey story is full of rantings about your ex. People have already given you good advice - basically pay what you are legally obliged to.

GHoll Thu 07-Feb-13 22:37:24


we had a heart to heart last week, he told me she does not want him to.

ivykaty44 Thu 07-Feb-13 22:39:09

Did he give any indication of the reason why not

Aspiemum2 Thu 07-Feb-13 22:50:30

You checked her expenditure sheet with other parents and the school?
I actually can't believe she wrote one for you, it's really none of your business and if she's as unreasonable as you suggest then it doesn't make sense for her to comply.

I am still to this day terrified of my ex but I would still tell him to sod off if he asked me to do that - what hold do you have over her?

GHoll Thu 07-Feb-13 22:57:13

Let me ask you a question:

Lets say for example you have a mutual agreement with the father (you were not married or living together) of your child to pay a maintenance fee of say £400/mth.

This amount is based on all his bare essentials, contribution to bills food etc, clothing, school needs, travel etc.

Would you then expect the father to pay on top of this amount for items related to school, PE, books, toiletries, etc?

I am effectively paying twice, why? I have every right to question it, otherwise whats the point in the agreement?

GHoll Thu 07-Feb-13 23:15:35


He does not know, but I do.

She does like the fact he shares this passion with me, we spend alot of time talking tennis, practicing, going to matches all over london.

The only explanation, considering she has made every effort to discredit me. The sad thing is he is good at it, invited to play for essex county, but he cant as it falls on her weekends.

MikeOxardAndWellard Thu 07-Feb-13 23:30:44

So for 10 years you paid £400 + extras until 2011. What have you paid since then?

The issue is you want her to stop badmouthing you, so you stopped contributing financially towards your son's upbringing, in order to force her to be nicer about you or you would keep witholding it? And it hasn't worked because in fact you are legally obliged to give her some money and the csa are now going to make you pay?

It seems to me you want more control in this situation than is possible. You cannot control what she says about you, you cannot withold payment, and you cannot decide how maintenance is spent. Look after your son, pay what you have to (obviously!), pay for tennis too if you can and want to, and stop stressing about what is out of your hands.

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