Struggling ds

[beaucoupdemojo]

Hi all. DS has gone off to university this week and is really struggling to fit in. He is deeply unhappy and struggling to find a group to hang out with. He is in halls which seem to be party central but ds doesnt drink. This is having a huge impact on his ability to bond with the other students.

I feel so sorry for him - he is really putting himself out there to go to social events and chat but he finds this hard at the best of times.

Have told him it's early days, that true friendships take time and that the drinking culture might settle down once the hard work kicks in. But he sounds so down.

I need advice. Should I be contacting the accommodation office with a view to getting him moved? Would that even help? I am going to get in touch with the uni counsellers because I am genuinely wortied about his state of mind.

Any advice gratefully received

So sorry to hear this, and hope things improve for him soon.

Has he joined any clubs or societies that are not in any way, shape or form related to drinking? Maybe something related to whatever he is studying. There will be other DC feeling exactly the same, but I think sometimes you only notice the ones who are the life and soul of the party.

From what I remember the first few weeks at University were a bit like being at Butlins. Eventually things settle down though. I'm sure your DS will find like-minded friends maybe on his course or in one of the clubs or societies that the PP mentioned. Not everyone wants to spend their time in the bar every night.

Beaucoup - when I went to university, in the dark ages, I rang my mum every night and sobbed down the phone about how unhappy I was. I'd then go out with my 'new' friends and have a good time. Problem was I was all over the place. I'd had a very quiet upbringing and rarely went out in my teens. To suddenly be confronted with so many different types of people from so many different backgrounds completely overwhelmed me. I didn't know what i felt and translated a lot of my anxieties and concerns into unhappiness.

My dad told me to stay there until Christmas, not to think beyond that. If I still hated it at Christmas I could leave. Of course by Christmas I didn't want to come home! It really helped to think in terms of staying there for a couple of months rather than 4 years.

Your ds has only been there a few days. I think it's too soon to think of a move - and there may not be any vacant accommodation anywhere. Just give it a bit of time and see how things go. I do sympathise though. I made my mum so ill with worry that she went to see her GP (whose daughter was in the year above me so, instead of prescribing tranquillisers or whatever, he sent his daughter to check up on me and report back that I was actually fine!)

It's like this for some. DH bailed out of halls after 3 months & went to lodge with a vicar!! I worked all hours in a PT job.

That's hard. I don't drink and didn't then either (addiction issues) and everything revolved around drinking. In the end I told people I was severely allergic to alcohol (technically that was correct) but was teased a lot about it despite that - my department socials all involved drinking huge amounts every week. There were no societies that didn't involve going to the pub to socialise.

In the end I just got on with my course (which was good as it meant I passed and probably wouldn't if I hadn't really knuckled down). I got back into playing my musical instrument whilst there and joined a couple of bands (again the socials involved drinking but obviously not when playing or during concerts). I joined a society that enabled me to attend free classical concerts and I met like minded people there. Is it a uni where there is a town and gown culture (divisions between the two) or is it more mixed? I went somewhere that mixed the two well.

He probably didn't realise exactly how drink centered, or different it would be - I didn't before going, and it's a shock to realise that the people you are living with are totally different to you - it takes time, and sober time at that, to get to know people. I guarantee there will be lots of others in exactly the same boat.

When will his lectures be starting? What hobbies did he have when at home? It's really hard to settle, even more so if you don't drink. Does he have Internet access? Can he try making contact with others via studentroom? Who perhaps have similar issues, just a general thread like yours with an anonymous username?

Most universities run anonymous counselling support lines - these are usually under the umbrella of nightline. They are run by students for students and as they are current students could perhaps help him in terms of what to do, some allow people to drop in and some do support online. The nightline website is here

The point I'm making is he will definitely not be alone in feeling like he does, please tell him that and let him know about nightline. Lectures can make it easier - got your course to concentrate on, but he is likely to find the not drinking a big issue (though it depends on the uni).

Massive x-post with everyone else and massive post as well hope some of it at least helps!

come over to this thread, hopefully we can offer some advice

All of our DC are going/have just gone to Uni. Mine is also quiet and not a drinker.

Thank you so much for all the replies. I really appreciate it.

He is on the phone to dh now and we have encouraged him to go to the sports activities because although they will have socials with drinking, it won't be entirely drink focussed because they will be doing sport.

We have told him to familiarise himself with the environment so he gets to feel at home and that he wont be the only one feeling like this and that he needs to take the time to settle and get to know people.

Thank you for all the info on where to go for help. I will have a proper look through it when ds gets off the phone.

I struggle with how best to advise him because I was a total homebody and hated university. I stuck it out because I needed the degree but I just wanted to go home.

Sorry, I didn't answer all your questions. At home his hobbies were sports so we said to continue with those. Lectures start next week and I told him the drinking might settle down a bit when people have early classes and lots of work. His emotions are very up and down which I have told him is normal.

I think you are right and he didn't expect quite so much emphasis to be on drinking games. I also think he didn't expect to feel so homesick. He is very close to his siblings and even though they bug him, he misses them more than he thought he would.

He does have internet and a smart phone which is good. I remember having to walk to the phone box back in the 90s! Glad he can just text me whenever he wants.

Yes it's a nightmare with the emphasis on drinking when you don't drink. I hope he will find his feet soon - it's really not a good way to meet people at all (though maybe that's just my experience!)

I was at uni in the 90s as well and remember waiting to use the phone and trying to have private conversations (which were impossible!!).

Your poor DS, that sounds grim, but I suppose he realises its a special freshers week thing (presumably) and (god willing) isn't going to carry on like that, or no-one would get their degree! Plus presumably you can't afford to carry on like this for 30 weeks a year on student finance.

I think a lot of it is commercially organised/driven, too. He might feel better if he realises the other students are being exploited into drinking away thier loans.

I thought all this nonsense was supposed to have settled down these days but I suppose its the 'first time away from home' thing. He should look out for some students who have had a year out maybe, they might not be so silly? I bet some of the girls in particular think its gross and childish

Am tempted to ask you to name the uni so I can warn my yr 13 DS to avoid! - don't tell me they're still all like this, parents of students out there, and please reassure me it DOESN'T go on all year.

My young DB did tell me that the cheaper halls at his uni were also 'party central' but I'm not sure if there is a correlation really. However, might he be able to swap to a quiet hall later if it carries on? - there might be someone in a lovely peaceful hall desperate because they are missing all the fun?

And just a thought - surely there must be some students there who are practising Muslims, who socialise without alcohol?

Funnily enough, he is in the cheaper halls. I keep telling him he will meet people he has more in common with once term starts properly. I really hope that turns out to be true.
I am going to talk to him about looking for like minded people via studentroom, as recommended on the other thread I am on.
Am really hoping his halls settle down once term begins properly.

Just realised the studentroom rec was on this thread. Thanks Becca

You're welcome - hopefully it will at least help him connect to like minded people even if it is 'only' online (most of my connections with people these days are on line).

Sometimes it settles down but sometimes it doesn't. It can depend on a lot of things, best to wait and see.

There is a lot to be said for online chat.
Many of the people who have supported me and given me fantastic help and advice, are people I haven't technically met!

Another one who had a miserable first term at University albeit 20 years ago. Looking for friends in Halls is no good, because really you are all thrown in together and have nothing in common other than circumstance. Girls there were really bitchy to me.

If there is a freshers week bun fight make sure he goes along and signs up for as many Clubs and Socs as he is interested in and can afford. Ballroom Dancing was always a great way to meet people (who didn't wish to drink their first term away) and I met a lot of great people through Nightline as well (very sympathetic). Probably changed now since it was all so long ago....

Also he should look to connect with others on his course once this has started - more chance of finding friends with something in common.

Hi,

Freshers week will always be a bit manic and the pressure on everyone to 'enjoy' it will be immense. They are all desperately trying to fit in very quickly, but this will wear off.

My DD was a very outgoing girl and although she got through FW ok, I had a phone call after a couple of months with her crying down the phone that she wanted to leave. One of her mates was also suffering homesickness and I think it made her worse! I encouraged her to stick with it, she did, graduated and is now doing a masters.

Try and encourage him to stick with it, and it will get better, there are always loads of sport clubs so I am sure it won't be long until he finds 'his' people. I know you will be worrying, but try not to show him.

Good luck to you and your DS.

Thank you.

My friends DD was the same last year. I think she started a facebook group for those that dont drink to have a get together.

It definitely settles down beau.

Freshers can be full on and many students arrive with a bit of extra cash to enjoy themselves, but afterwards they have to manage on their normal weekly budget which precludes nightly partying.

In addition, as academic work starts to build, many students move their focus.

Don't get me wrong, partying still goes on but there's a balance.

I would also say that there will be lots of social activities that don't involve alcohol. Everything from karate to drama, film nights and student politics.

Hang in there . It's far too early to intervene.

DSS1 needed an hour of FaceTime a day to begin with because he didn't yet have like minded friends with whom to debrief his new experiences. By term 2 we only ever heard from him if we were late sending him money.

lots and lots of students don't drink - Although it probably doesn't feel like that to him at the moment.
Two of my DC don't drink at all, one still clubs and parties a lot while the other avoids any noisy get togethers - no reason it's just not his thing. There are lots of other students who do the same. Hopefully your son will find similar friends soon enough.

one of my DC did take a long time to settle, He had friends and loved his course but he was still out of sorts for a long while. He doesn't even think he was homesick. We (and he) never quite got to the bottom of it but think it may have just been a bit overwhelming for him. He is now in his third year and happy and doing well.
It's hard to get the balance right between listening to them and acknowledging their concerns and telling them to get on with it.

My DD found the first two Freshers weeks the hardest as she doesn't drink and absolutely hates clubs. She did the same as your son and gave everything a go and ended up most of the time being a referee between drunken halls mates who were by now falling out. It was not, exactly, the best time of her life.

BUT, she got through it. Some of the girls who fell out never recovered their relationship, but my DD ended up friends with all of them (to differing degrees) for the remainder of the year. She also made more friends when the course kicked in. As the year went on there was less clubbing (mainly just on birthdays) and the cinema, student union for the sport etc took a greater part.

Some of her mates even envy her lack of drinking now as they spend a fortune on drink and she can save on her loan!

Some halls flats hardly spoke to each other the whole year - it was just their dynamic, but they still made friends once the courses started.

I think its a case of carry on not making enemies over the next couple of weeks, give things a go to see if you like them and go to the societies if you are interested as you will make more friends there too. Things will be likely to settle once real life kicks in.

I haven't read the whole thread, but just wanted to say that DS1 who has never previously had trouble making friends, had a really hard time in the first term of his course. He got in through clearing and couldn't get into halls. His shared house was 1\2 hour walk from uni, so he felt pretty isolated. I've only just found that out . But... he got a Christmas job and made many good friends from that. He's now in a house share with friends, not just random people who got together through need.

I'm writing this as a message of encouragement for your DS. Also, now DShas admitted this to us and other friends he's found he wasn't the only one by any means in the same boat.

I would, however, discourage your DS from phoning/contacting you so often as ime it can only exacerbate the feelings of homesickness. I would also like PPs encourage him to join some sports societies. I wish him all the best for the future.

Just to say from an academic's point of view that many students don't enjoy Fresher's week. It can feel very pressurised, students can believe that if they don't make friends in freshers week they never will. I think most real friendships form after freshers week, in classes or societies, when the students are actually with like-minded people. Many freshers week friendships don't last through first semester. So long as students complete all the admin things they need to do before term starts everything will get better once classes start and there is some routine to life. I just worked out that this is the 30th freshers week I have gone through as either a student or an academic which makes me feel very old.