Bit of background. I have children who have some SN, am married and have had depression for as long as I can remember.
I have previously attempted suicide and failed. At that time I lied to the hospital and said my OD was "accidental". I have a history of self harm, mainly cutting, scratching and hitting myself.
Recently, my mental health has taken a big nosedive into the depths of hell. I feel I am trapped in a relationship due to circumstance when, although dh loves me, I am consistently second to work. Even when not working he prefers to spend his time on the computer rather than with me and the children. Whilst I am not anti computer, far from it, I am not someone who is totally dependent on their partner, we are our own people and not one person, I think the current situation is very unhealthy.
The words "I'm keeping you fat" have been said to me. I have to deal with all the children's medical issues myself, do all the therapies and attend all appointments on my own. I am also solely responsible for "keeping house" as I don't work out of the home.
He does work very hard, that I cannot fault. I, however, bear the brunt of all his frustrations. Get shouted at, ignored, snapped at but then expected to fulfil my duties in the bedroom.
I feel trapped as I would lose my friends, my home and everything I've ever known. I don't work as I care for the children and unless I got a super flexible job, it is not a possibility at this time.
Even if I became untrapped, I would be alone forever. No one else would tolerate me and my low moods, especially when I come as a package with two SN children.
I am therefore of the realisation that this is my life. Forever. I am then sinking deeper and deeper into depression. I have started self harming again and intrusive thought invade my head. Fantasies of suicide, a desperate urge to crash my car into the next lamppost.
I need to sort this out. I can't talk to him about it as I will end up on my own and that I just can't cope with. I need to learn to suck it up again.