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Mental health

how long is this going to go on?

11 replies

noma · 20/06/2006 21:25

My ds started nursery in september and i thought it would be a great way for me at last to make friends, but i have found it very hard, at first i kept smiling at people and saying hello but people where just giving me dirty looks and i got very angry at that so now i have given up! I am an older mum and i find this hole envourment a new thing i have to go to a parents meeting tomorrow and to be quiet truthful i would rather have a tooth out then go but i keep telling myself im just there for my son but im not very convincing. sorry about this being so long i just wanted to get it off my chest!

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Youngster · 20/06/2006 21:34

Keep smiling Noma, lots of people are just ignorant, others are shy. I'm an older mum too and when I first started at the nursery I just hated it. It took months for friendships to form. 2nd time around I was more confident and found it easier. Just hang in there, I promise it will get better. How old is old?? I was 43 when I had my 2nd

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noma · 20/06/2006 21:39

Thanks youngster! I am 43 I also have a dd who is 18 months I am hoping its going to get better its a bit of a lonely business being a mum.

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Youngster · 20/06/2006 21:48

Dont' know bout you but I think a lot of people are jealous of each other these days and that in itself stops some people being "accepted". I've lost "so called" friends over the years as we moved on and up in life and if there is just a little bit of something different about you that in itself makes some people keep away. I NEVER go to school without being totally groomed, makeup etc because thats just the way I am. Other people often percieve this to be "you are up yourself" or "different". I'm learning, very slowly, I hasten to add, to just try and ignore people who don't want to be friendly. It costs nothing to be polite so just keep going and think nothing of the rude "others.

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noma · 20/06/2006 21:55

Thanks for that! thats what my husband said about them being jealous i really dont no why? I do wear make up when i go out i try to make myself respectable and tidy but thats just the way i am!

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Beauregard · 20/06/2006 21:57

I would smile at you
You sound nice!

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Youngster · 20/06/2006 22:00

have you tried inviting playmates round for tea, that will help with getting to know the parents, and people don't usually say no. I tend to befriend people I like the look of and think may be similar to me. Have another go tomorrow but DO NOT give up, if you do you'll find friendships forming and they just won't bother with you. Where are you?

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noma · 20/06/2006 22:10

I dont think i would be up for inviting playmates round for tea but thats a good suggestion. I can see friendships forming already thats why i am depressed. by the way i am in bath.

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workathomemummy · 20/06/2006 22:55

Hi Noma, I would certainly stop and chat to you! With 3 children (youngest dd is 2.5) I've found that it's through the children that I've formed the majority of my current friendships. (because you suddenly have so much in common with other parents).
You mentioned that your daughter has started nursery. My guess is that a lot of parents are in a hurry when they are dropping off/picking up their children at the beginning or the end of the day. I know when I used to go out to work, the last thing I wanted to do was to stop and chat when I was taking dd1 to nursery.

Could you enrol in an activity which includes children AND parents - eg a music group or tumble-tots-type group (some run on Saturdays), or even take your dd to the local softplay area or park? In that situation, other parents may well be more inclined to chat and make friends.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but is there anything specific that stops you from inviting playmates round to your home - or at least asking a Mum round for a coffee while the children have a play together?

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noma · 21/06/2006 20:46

Hi workathomemummy, things didnt seem so bad today said hello to a few mums and they said hello back maybe i am breaking the ice! The reason i wouldnt ask them back for coffee, its something i am not used to i might meet at a local cafe or in the park.

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workathomemummy · 21/06/2006 21:42

Hi Noma, I'm rally glad to hear that things went better for you today.

For what its worth, my advice would be:Take things a step at a time - make a point of smiling at other mums and saying hello - then when you're a bit more relaxed & confident, perhaps initiate a conversation by asking a simple question - do you live locally? / how long has your child been coming to nursery? etc. After a while hopefully you will find things you have in common with other parents - and you'll find it's not always you having to initiate the conversation.

You could also try contacting your local NCT (National Childbirth Trust) branch - they run small, friendly coffee mornings (hosted by one of their volunteers), which could give you a great introduction to some other local mums.