Mumsnet Talk

Its now four years since DC1 survived life changing accident, and has gone on to uni and new life. DC2 also survived serious but not as life-changing accident two years prior to DC1's. Why do I feel so bad, I don't have to live with the physical scars, pain and mental injury, and so many other people have to live with terrible disability and illness much worse than DC1. I can now sleep at night some of the time, but I just can't get over it, the 'it's not fair' feeling. I feel so selfish and so guilty and such a failure as I failed to protect both of them. Why? And I want to move away and start a new life away from the memories of our pre-accidents life, but this would only be for my benefit, not DH or DC2 still at home, and would it work anyway, not being faced with daily reminders of how things were

They are your babies - no matter that they are old enough to go to uni - you are far more vulnerable in them than you are in yourself.

Also, you can be traumatised (as in actually physically end up with PTSD) from hearing about what has happened to loved ones.

Do you think some counselling may help you come to terms with it? It helped me - ds's life changing incident occured at 12 hours old and his disability is here for us all every day. It's really hard when it's about your children so dion't be afraid to get some support.

Thank you. I know I could get counselling if I asked for it, but after all I would still have to get on with it, so I feel I ought to do just that, and that talking about it to someone although they might be trained, how could they possibly understand how this feels?

It makes me wonder about how many grandmothers and great grandmothers there must be who have known these feelings and have had to get on with it for years and years.... did your counselling really help you or would you have just coped anyway? Do you feel you have got over the shock of the incident? How often do you think about it? I can sometimes have a whole day without a bad memory but that's not often. I just wonder if its going to be like this for ever, it doesn't seem to fade, although the last time I saw DC1 it wasnt until afterwards I realised I never noticed the facial scars once, I only saw youth and happiness, so it must be getting a bit better.

I don't really understand your comment that you have to get on with it anyway so you may as well not have counselling. It seems to assume that counselling does not work.

You may have incurred some traumatic memories that could do with being put to rest. That could make a huge difference to your quality of life. Various types of counselling can work in different ways but talking it through can really help. The therapist doesn't have to understand how you feel to help you. After all neither does a doctor, solicitor or dentist.

Yes counselling really helped me. I would probably not have survived around it. I have to qualify it by saying the trauma caused by ds's very serious illness was compounded by child abuse issues awakened by labour, causing a very heady mix of acute and complex PTSD but without therapy I would not be here today.

I will post tomorrow, or will email you if you prefer, going through something similar, but strongly recommend, you look up PTSD, and also a Scottish website called moodjuice, it goes through step by step of "mental anguish".

Also a PTSD suffer, who is currently struggling with help, cant post tonight in detail, but will soon x

sending you much needed hugs spacially x

I didnt mean to sound that I feel counselling wont work, Im sure it would benefit me in lots of ways. But its not going to make it like the accidents didnt happen. That's what I meant, that I have to get up every day and get on with life, despite whats happened and despite what coping strategies I might learn from a counsellor. Things are never going to be the way they were before. Suppose I have to accept this new life is it, from now on, for ever. The DC who left the house on the morning of the accident isnt coming back. The new DC is amazing though, and we, our family, are all richer as people because of the change.

Went to Moodjuice, and guess I have been in total denial..... have def. had PTSD with some of the symptoms listed. Interesting how it says how some people deal with it by trying to forget about it, I do try not to let it take over. Perhaps its just a mummy thing and it will just always be there. I think Im doing alright, I can manage my life, job, family responsibilities etc, just mustn't think too much. I suppose really I just want to know if there are other mothers out there in similar situation and how they manage, cos its hard to explain to friends who are mothers who haven't had this happen to their DCs.

I am sorry it has took me so long to get back spac, how are you today.

Im not sure if I am the best person to give you advice, but having read your OP, you sounded like me a few months back.

My son and husband also had a horrific accident and I put up with feeling like a total failure and the words worse mother put on this planet because I couldn't protect them both.

I was diagnosed with PTSD a few months after the accident, but with having to deal with ds in the hospital for 4 months, and looking after ds1, time wasn't a option for me to be truthful, and all that was going on in my mind and body got pushed to the back of mind mind, as its how I deal with things, but after several flashbacks and months (well a year) of no sleeping, and further more stress, of being made redundant, more surgeries for ds etc... I had to relent and go to the doctor and ask for help, I put off being put on AD for months, but relented 8 weeks ago, and I can also say with counselling and medication, I feel me again, there is some issues that needs to be dealt with, but at least now I dont have as many flashbacks or someone sitting on my head and the pressure unbearable, is not bearable.

I FOUND MOODJUICE HELPFUL, IT REALLY DOES GIVE YOU A STEP BY STEP, GUIDE INTO WHY YOUR FEELING THE WAY YOU ARE , oops caps.

Let me know how you are, PM me you wish, but please dont feel alone, Im always here to chat if you ever feel the need to do so x