Mumsnet Talk

I would really welcome some help and advice, please. I will try and keep this quite brief (I have namechanged).

I have had 2 bouts of clinical depression. The first time I was 19. I was diagnosed with a depression triggered by endless PMT. Prozac and going on the Pill sorted me out.

The second time I ended up despairing, and - I would not say self-harming - but certainly trying to hurt myself. Prozac, again, helped. On both of those occasions I had everything going for me. I was in love, I was a brilliant student, I had a secure family life.

I now need to know whether I am clinically depressed again, or just responding in a perfectly reasonable way to what is going on.

6 years ago I gave up a reasonably secure profession to pursue the one thing I had always wanted to do. I put everything I had into studying and doing everything I needed to do, and the signs were always excellent. But it now looks as if I am almost certain to fail.

At the same time, we have tried for 2 years to have a child, with no success (there is nothing wrong with either of us). We have been offered IVF, but first I must lose weight.

I no longer have any hope for the future. I do not believe that I will ever have children, or even find a decent job that will give me security, fulfillment and self-esteem. I cannot see that we will ever sort out our financial troubles - my fault, because I stopped earning well and now cannot go back. I am entirely without any hope, or optimism, or ability to plan for the future. the future seems weirdly dark and hollow, and I was always so full of hopes and plans.

I spend a lot of time crying. Twice I have become almost hysterical with despair and pulled out my hair and slapped myself around the face, and hit myself on the head until I felt dizzy and faint. I avoid seeing friends wherever I can. I find my heart racing with despair and anxiety and very often sit for long periods staring into space and find I can't actually speak when my DH speaks to me. I am very lethargic and want to be left alone, by everyone, all the time. That being said, I put on a fairly effective front at work, and on the occasions when I cannot avoid going out. I am becoming very depending on my DH. I have fixated on him as the one good thing in my life, which is not healthy.

I am furious with myself. i have a home, a job, a DH I adore and who adores me. In my heart of hearts i think I should buck the fuck up, and this is no case for the GP but for pulling myself together, and sharpish. But I can't. I try, and I go out and see people, then it descends on me and I'm left sort of...stunned ,I guess. That life turned out like this. So I guess I want to know - is this depression, again? Or do I need to sort myself out?

Shite, that's long. God. I must be abominable company

You sound depressed to me.

I would go to your GP as a first step.

Financial problems, unfulfilled career hopes and obstacles to TTC have taken their toll, I think.

Bet you're not abominable company - just very, very down at the moment.

oh FFS I'm almost crying now just because someone's responded.

Thanks Beer. It's just... I keep thinking won't someone help me, but what could they do? And I'm scared that if I see the GP then there'll be a kind of black MH mark against me which won't help when trying to get fertility treatment. Can they do that?

And i feel a fraud. I feel a fraud for being miserable if it's just life that is making me this way - after all it's not like I've suffered a bereavement. And i feel even more of a fraud for even entertaining the thought of depression because sometimes I'm all right, I really am. I'm going to go to the cinema shortly. I'm not housebound. I don't feel like I should be troubling the GP, you know?

Depression doesn't always follow a major life event. You won't be troubling the GP at all! Although I do get what you mean when you say that and I sometimes think it's almost a symptom in itself, isn't it? - that your self esteem is so low that you don't want to be a 'bother' to anyone. Well, the GP is just doing their job. So write down those symptoms in a list format, book a double appointment and go and see her/him.

I wouldn't have thought that any history of depression would count against you for IVF. In itself, the process of going through it can be very, very tough and cause anxiety and depression.
You're not going to be able to lose the weight and face IVF until you get yourself out of this dip, are you?

I hope more posters respond with a bit more insight and advice for you as well x

I really, really appreciate your time Beer, thanks so much. It's hard to talk about especially when i'm loathe to see anyone. I think just getting it down helps put thigns in perspective. I'm going to consider seeing the GP but also would welcome any other advice.

Exercise! I don't want to come across all Jolly Hockey Sticks, but even the shortest amount of time spent exercising is wonderful for blowing a few cobwebs away.
If it were me I'd be looking at the losing weight goal as the easiest to tackle at the moment. It can start tomorrow, it will have fairly quick results that you can see pretty soon and will be a real boost to your self-esteem. It's also beneficial in that instead of someone 'saving you' you look at yourself and say 'Know what, I did that!'

Then look at where your career aims have taken you and where they could possibly take you in the future, despite the setbacks you've experienced. Could you go back to your old job at all? 6 years isn't that long to be out of it and you've been doing something else, so your CV won't look empty.

Have to go now for a bit, but enjoy the film. And ease off on yourself a bit. You deserve to be happy and depression is blocking that at the moment.

I think you should see your GP, it does sound like you are depressed, IMO.

I find that having had depression in the past (and on anti-d's to prevent recurrence) that some stressful life events can make me have a 'dip'. If it doesn't lift within a few days then I know I need to seek help.

Have had a few recent stressful events and it has made me dip for 1-2 days (crying almost hysterically, getting upset for no major reason) but if it lasted longer I would definitely go to my GP.

And agree with Beer <hi! > exercise helps me too, just getting out for long walks I find fab & very therapeutic, dog likes it too.

Hello again. Thank you so much to you both.

Your advice is so good and I should say that I am tackling my weight as a first priority, and as part of that doing far more exercise which does help my mood.

I have been the same today, and saw a friend who seemed a bit concerned about me. It's hard for me to sort out what's going on - I did some online depression self-assessment things and they all suggested I was depressed and should seek help, but the questions seem daft - it's no good saying 'do you feel like a failure' when you are a failure, or 'do you feel you have let your family down' when you have let them down, IYSWIM.

Anyway, long story short, I tried to make an appt today but of course they couldn't 'release' any dates (?!) until Monday, so I'll phone again then.

Many thanks again. Sometimes i think the worst thing about this is how alone I am. I feel as though I am haemorraghing friends (don't make me Google the spelling!), but I can't say whether that's because I don't want them, or they don't want me.

I'll check in again and let you know how it goes. I can't tell you how much you have helped me just by listening.

The clue is in your OP. Prozac helped both times. You sound like you need to be on a maintenance dose long term. Not a black mark against you, just that your brain chemistry needs tweeking. You would take drugs to help you conceive, so this is no different. A GP will understand, given your history.

Please do, Belstaff.
I won't try and convince you that 'failure' is just a concept and depression is making you feel this way as I don't think anyone can change your mind at the moment.
Sorry the set-up at your GPs means you have to wait to make an appt now you've decided to go and see them.

MN's good for this sort of thing. Put how you're feeling, anonymously, and get dispassionate advice from others - it's sometimes good to do that.

Take care x

Hi again. I just wanted to update you all - I saw the GP this morning. Poor chap dealt very well with my wailing. His view is kind of similar to mine, which is that I do have many of the symptoms of depression but it's hard to say whether it's a reasonable response to so many things going wrong/not going right, or whether I am clinically depressed. But the outcome/need is the same, IYSWIM.

He has given me a low-dose prescription of ADs, and referred me to get some CBT although there is a long waiting list for this.

Thanks once again for your help and support. It did make a different to me. XX

Good news. Hope the ADs take the edge off for you and you can start tackling the problems one by one.
Wait for CBT is disappointing, but common.

Best of luck, and glad to be a sounding-board for your thoughts x