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Mental health

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Original poster

My mum is losing the plot a bit. Should i say something?

21 replies

IngridBergman · 11/04/2011 09:34

I've reposted from Philosophy/spirituality section as Blinks suggested it would be better here, so apologies for double post.

I hope you don't mind me asking on here, I want to make it clear that I don't consider religion in itself to be the issue, and I don't want to come across as saying that everyone who is involved in the church is nutty as a fruitcake.

However with my Mum it's a bit more complicated.

She's always been obsessive and until recently she was getting on pretty well, being fairly normal and so on, only occasionally very annoying (not good on boundaries) and we sorted those things out as they came up. She had long term therapy which seemed to help a lot, but it stopped a few years ago and I wonder if this is why it's going a bit wrong.

Lately she's started being really odd and I don't remember her being like this since I was a little girl, so it makes me really uncomfortable.
She's started to confess things to me. She has got very heavily involved in the church, struggling it seems all the time with overscrupulous thoughts and behaviour - really obsessive - asking me what she should tell the priest about, going to several groups which is a good thing, obviously, in terms of helping the elderly and so on but it's becoming constant.
She starts conversations wherein she 'needs' to confess or apologise to me for past perceived wrongs (I don't want or need this from her, they are not things I considered wrong, but she says the church does) and worrying too much about what my children might do, which I shan't go into as it gets into embarrassing territory, but you can probably guess.

I'm not a church person though I hold my own sort of faith - I just grew up to distrust many elements of the organised set up I was exposed to as a child (Catholicism) though I appreciate it had many good points also.

I wouldn't mind her going to church or being religious but this is extreme and I feel it's just an outlet for her obsessiveness - it seems really unhealthy to be constantly worried, overanalysing, feeling guilty (eg the other day, they passed a dead rat on the road and it took her about another mile to decide that she had to go back and make sure it wasn't in need of help, because God would want her to)

I just feel lost about it, tempted to write her an email saying how I feel worried about her and do on but I'm not sure it would help and I don't want to make things worse.

I just feel like I'm turning into the adult and she's becoming a vulnerable, unhappy child again and I can't deal with it very well.

Any guidance would be much appreciated, thankyou.

Btw she is very helpful and lovely about most things but this seems to be taking over. I don't want to sound like she is totally deranged or unable to function, she has a p/t job, is a kind and good person but it seems like she needs this 'thing' - maybe a father figure - to rule her entire life.
I know her father was abusive and it all seems so connceted.
I don't know, it makes me really sad.

OP posts:

Katisha · 11/04/2011 09:44

WHat variety of church is it? What sort of leader does it have?
YOu may be able to go and speak to them.
On the other hand if its a pretty way out outfit that may not be the way forward.

Original poster

IngridBergman · 11/04/2011 09:49

No no it's just the Catholic church. It's not way out. I don't really feel it's my place to interfere so strongly but I do want to put some boundaries in place regarding how she behaves with me and my kids, iyswim.

I don't want her to start on them with this weird guilt thing. She is consumed by guilt all the time. I witnessed her obsessive and compulsive behaviour as a child and it screwed me right up. It's horrible and scary.

I want almost to break contact but it isn't that bad yet to be affecting the children. It just makes me want to scream/cry/whatever. it's horrible to see it happening to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

IngridBergman · 11/04/2011 09:49

Thankyou for answering by the way.

OP posts:

Katisha · 11/04/2011 09:53

well could you make appt to go and see the priest and explain the background and see if he can't have a word with her about how she doesn't need to be soo extreme about it?
Surely that would be worth a try before entertaining ideas about no contact? She might take it from the authority figure?

Failing that it sounds like you need to encourage her back to counselling. I don't think she'll be able to sort herself out given her history and tendencies.

Original poster

IngridBergman · 11/04/2011 10:00

Thankyou. I will keep it in mind though I think she would be angry if I went behind her back.

I need to sort it face to face really, in terms of our relationship because what she does herself isn't my business - I just need to make things Ok between us iyswim.

OP posts:

Original poster

IngridBergman · 11/04/2011 10:01

Or I need to withdraw from the current level of contact which is maybe one phone call in the week and seeing them both on a Sunday for a couple of hours. I don't want to go through these confessions and weirdness every time we see them.

OP posts:

Katisha · 11/04/2011 10:03

How will she react if you talk to her straight about it?

Original poster

IngridBergman · 11/04/2011 10:11

I think she will say she is aware of being obsessive - I tried talking about it with her a few weeks ago. She said she knew it wasn't great. But it seems out of her control, it's just getting worse.

She asked for a cross to wear round her neck for her birthday (not from me, from dad) and that's not so odd in itself but it seems symbolic - every time I see her now she brings up something that I'd rather not discuss, I feel like she is using me as a counsellor.

I said yesterday I didn't want to hear it, not in a horrible way, and we didn't argue, but there wasn't much chance to really talk it over. Now I want to write to her to clarify but am not entirely sure if it's my place to say anything.

I feel like she's almost trying to get me to challenge her so she can defend her stance, working for the Lord etc. I don't want to take part in that game. It feels like a game with no rules.

OP posts:

Original poster

IngridBergman · 11/04/2011 10:12

Basically I can't handle her at the moment. I don't want to lose her as we have become close since I grew up, but she is always making me feel so upset and worried. I don't know if it's worth it.

If I talk to dad he will defend her and tell her what I said. I don't want to attack anyone. But I can't bear this.

OP posts:

Katisha · 11/04/2011 10:22

Awful situatuon for you. I suspect you are right that she can't help herself. You can't help her either and your dad just wants a quiet life.
I think you do need to go and see priest actually. What about asking her if she would be prepared to come with you to see him? He might be useless if he has no understanding of compulsive disorders but it might be a start.
I def think you need some sort of outside help here.

Original poster

IngridBergman · 11/04/2011 10:24

Thankyou for your understanding, it really helps to be heard.

I will think about it - I might try and talk to her this week, or maybe write an email and not send it, just to put my own thoughts into focus.

OP posts:

blinks · 11/04/2011 10:26

i think your family need some straight talking. if they can't handle it and refuse to take any action, you may then be in a position where you have to take a step backwards. it definitely sounds like a flare of anxiety disorder and a GP should be able to help her. has she taken medication in the past or had proper psychiatric support?

MaryBS · 11/04/2011 10:28

I think speaking to the priest is a good idea too. It may be he will share your concerns, although for confidentiality reasons he might not be able to tell you this. As she is RC, it would be natural for her to confess to the priest, either in or out of confession. Even if he has no experience, there should be a disability/mental health advisor in the diocese - OCD can be quite disabling

Original poster

IngridBergman · 11/04/2011 10:49

I didn't realise there would be a mental health advisor in the diocese, Mary - thankyou. I'm not ready to go over her head yet, if that makes sense, but might mention it to dad if he seems receptive.

Blinks, thanks for your help on the initial thread start! and for coming over to this one. She's never had much psychiatric support but did have private therapy for about 15 years, every week. During that time she changed a lot and I wouldn't say she's lost all that she gained from it but this is a serious step back imo. Not taken medication, I don't like it and she doesn't either - but I wish she would start therapy again.

I don't know if dad is even worried. They recently moved house (about 6 months ago) and I wonder if it's about that. Maybe in a few months she will start to get over it and settle down.

OP posts:

MaryBS · 11/04/2011 11:30

Can't guarantee there WILL be one, just that there should be, and many dioceses do. You might be able to find out by looking on their website, if you know which diocese you are in...

blinks · 11/04/2011 11:44

sometimes medication can really help obsessive thinking disorder. don't rule it out. also CBT is a good tool.

it could be moving house has triggered this flare... try reading up on 'Obsessive Thinking Disorder' for an insight.

she definitely needs professional support and GP best first stop.

madmouse · 11/04/2011 13:12

It is quite normal for someone who comes to faith to become very aware of past wrongs and to feel compelled to apologise, ask for forgiveness and make amends. Usually that is a prompting from the Holy Spirit and a good thing. But it seems that in this case things are getting a bit out of hand.

This obsession with confession and absolution will not be required by the Catholic Church (or the CofE to which I belong). It appears that your Mum's already existing obsessive tendencies happened to have 'latched on' to this.

I'm wondering how much good it will be to talk to the priest - first of all the level of ignorance regarding MH in the church is shocking (well it sure is in the diocese where DH is priest - we now have a priest in the diocese who used to be a mental health nurse and who is beating on all the doors he ccan to change things). Of course you could chance upon one like my DH who has had mental health problems himself but it is a bit of a risk. The last thing you need is for a priest to soothe it all away. For now I think if you can be open with her and get her back to counselling or even to the GP that would be best.

Original poster

IngridBergman · 11/04/2011 17:04

Thankyou, Blinks, I will try and talk to dad about it but she won't take kindly to me suggesting there is anything wrong with what she's doing.

Madmouse, thanks for putting it so well, you're right, that's exactly it - she's latched onto religion and I see it as a misuse of the church to make herself so unhappy with it.

You're not meant to live your life in misery and fear are you? Just being a nice person is good enough I think, most of the time, not making everyone else miserable by being overscrupulous and - well it's like she turns into a scared little girl, it's so unsettling.
I will do my best anyway. I shan't just abandon her.

OP posts:

blinks · 11/04/2011 18:55

maybe if you presented her with some information to read, it would seem like less of a criticism... this kind of obsessive thinking evil/impure etc is well documented as part of the disorder.

jerURSULAmBuffay · 11/04/2011 18:58

It sounds to me a little like anxiety, she's very worried about things. Not much help sorry but that's what strikes me, the worrying.

Original poster

IngridBergman · 11/04/2011 19:06

Yes, she is worried, she hadn't moved house for about 26 years and then suddenly it was all change. They didn't move far and thought seriously about it, looked at houses etc for about 3 years prior to moving, and appear to love their new place and be very happy there.
I don't know what she is worried about. Maybe just irrational - I think she craves a parent figure, some rules she mustn't break, to feel in control.
the church is what she is using for this at the moment...strict rules are something she was used to as a child and I think she is seeking security.

But it's just disturbing when it makes her seem so vulnerable. I think I'll ring her up actually.

OP posts:

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