Ranty rant rant rant rant argh rant

[Gahsickofit]

GAH. I feel so SHIT. Yesterday I had a full on panic attack - the night before I had been hallucinating, the night before that I had two hours sleep because I was so buzzing with mania, when I was lying on the bed unable to breathe, DH stood over me shouting at me that if I would just go to bed like a normal person then I wouldn't feel bad, then when I was on the phone to the cpn team they said to take a diazeopam and Dh just casually said he had chcuked them out. I don't take them very often but that is because I don't want to get addicted, and he said he didn't think we would need them any more.

I just took myself up to bed and tried to do breathing, then he came up and started ranting on about if only I would make an effort I would be fine, why had I spent all day inside if I was anxious, obviously I was just being lazy because I was tired from not sleeping. I tried to say it was because i don't want to have a panic attack in public, and he just ranted on even more. Then he produced my diazepam from somewhere and let me have one and stormed off.

Once the diazepam had kicked in I came downstairs and the kids came home, and in front of them he said "you were so funny before, it was hard to keep a straight face when you were rambling on" andf then when it was time for my evening pill he gave it me and said "now you get up to bed like a good girl, obviously I need to tell you these things as you can't be trusted"

Tonight he was late home from work and I was really struggling with the kids, really badly, on the verge of tears and just walking out, but I managed to get through it, just by focusing on the fact that I need to, the kids need me, so when he came in and they had calmed down, he said 2I thought there was chaos, I would have stayed out longer if it was this calm"

Gah. He makes me feel like I am going mad, but I am also going mad at the same time (my syptoms got worse before he started acting like this) - it's as if he thinks I am putting it on. If I mention applying for benefits he gets annoyed at me too. The only ones I get are because my CPN helped me apply.

Anyway, now I feel panicy and shaky and I don't want to take another diazepam, but all I have is my normal mood stabiliser and a diazepam because he hides the sleeping pills and the rest of the others on the doctors orders, and he has gone to bed.

I know (and have been told) that it is only the fact that DH is willing to take responsibility that I am allowed to live a normal life and have my medication at home with me. Every time I try to say something he says I am mentally ill, which I am. He is lovely most of the time, but for some reason he is wound up atm, and is taking out on me, and I can't take it :(

(namechanger, so please don't out me)

[Gahsickofit]

I gave in and had the diazepam, washed down with a can of lager and the mood stabiliser. I feel better already, it can't be hte pill, but I think it is the knowledge that I have taken it, if that makes sense?

I called up to him to ask if we have any chocolate, and he replied like a normal person, so maybe I am imagining it? I dunno.

Anyhow, I'm not sure I am manic, because I am dpressed too, and I am normal sometimes too. Is that even possible?

[shodatin]

So sorry to hear about these problems, and I don't think your DH is actually helping your mental state. I think you did feel better because of the medications actually, which would have been increased by the alcohol (which is the opposite of a mood-stabiliser, so expect a bigger down later)
Suggest you have a talk with your cpn, showing her/him your thread. Best wishes for now.