Friend living in fantasy world

[Monadami]

Hi everyone,

I wasn't sure if this was the right section, but I have a female friend who I'm quite concerned about. I've known her for almost 30 years, since school and I think not much in her life has changed since that time. I want to have an honest heart to heart with her because I think her behaviour is not normal.

My friend is almost 42, she has never had a relationship with a man and since she left University 20 years ago has never had the success she hoped for in her career, she stayed close to her family home, spending most of her time at her Parent's home, even though she has her own. She is also very overweight and has been struggling to lose weight since school, with very little success. She believes her size will prevent her from finding a man, even though I've told her any man worth knowing would want her regardless of her size.

Anyway, since I've known her she seems to have this problem where she becomes obsessed with a man who is either unavailable, unattainable or both. A few years ago she became obsessed with her sister's brother in law. This obsession lasted two years until I think he put her straight. Now for the last 2-3 years she has become obsessed with her Personal Trainer. Unfortunately he is the kind of guy who flirts with his clients, puts his arm around them and pays them compliments. she has already admitted that he's given exactly the same speel to a friend of her's who was also training with him.

I have told her numerous times, his inappropriate behaviour is obviously some kind of client retention method and although she has never made her feelings known to him, she believes she has a chance with him. He has a girlfriend whom my friend despises and she is adamant he is only with this woman because he's been manipulated by her. Today she called me, very upset to say the girlfriend has moved in with him. She cannot understand why he would be interested and I said to her, perhaps it's as simple as him being in love with her, to which she got very upset.

Her Father who she lost a year ago has told her nothing will come of a relationship between her and her Trainer and so has her sister and mother. I think we have all become exasperated with her, as every conversation with her always ends up with her talking about this guy and it's like going over old ground again and again.

I told her she needs to stop having personal training sessions with him and distance herself, but she always has a reason as to why she needs him to help her lose weight, (Even though she's lost none.) Sometimes I feel like screaming at her and telling her to pull herself together, but it's like she hears nothing.

She want's to meet someone and settle down, but can't seem to understand her behaviour over this man is holding her back. Whilst she is obsessed with him, she will never be able to move on or meet anyone else. She is in complete denial in regards to her Trainer's relationship with his girlfriend and cannot accept it's genuine.

Should I suggest to her she seek counselling? Perhaps she also hasn't come to terms with the loss of her father, so her need to feel loved has escalated. How can I advise her in a straight way, without sounding callous and hurting her feelings? Does her behaviour sound a bit strange?

Yes, her behaviour does sound a bit strange but there is not a lot you can do until she herself accepts it is inappropriate (that this man is friendly and kind towards her does not mean he wants to date her). I'm not sure what you can do to help her until she accepts that she is not doing herself any favours. Is she likely to get worse eg do stuff that might mean someone such as this trainer has to take action against her?

Um, I have no idea why you have posted this in 'Mental health' for a start.

Your friend is an adult, if she isn't harming anyone (which she isn't) then it is up to her to decide firstly IF and secondly WHEN to seek counselling.

It's nice that you have been friends for such a long time, but why are you trying to control what she feels?

As you have said, weight of any variation doesn't mean no relationship.

Earwig, I am NOT trying to control what she feels, but when she rings me 3-4 times per day at inappropriate times just to talk about this man and she is crying and becoming upset, then I would say she IS harming herself as she is perpetually depressed.

I cannot do anything but to tell her my point of view to which she cannot take in, she has her own take on the situation, but if her Personal Trainer were interested in her, surely he would be with her and not with the woman he is with.

I see her behaviour as delusional, which WOULD suggest it is a "mental health" issue. I cannot be her counsellor and don't know how to help her. If she wants marriage and children, then time is fast running out for her to be obsessional for 3 years about a man she has no apparent chance with.

Oh and Bluddy, I am not hung up on her life, but I am the only person she feels she can talk to. It is stressful to have to hear the same thing over and over again and know that nothing I say to her registers. I think I will post elsewhere where I can get more reasonable, logical answers. Serves me right for posting here!

bluddy mofo has it right, I think - like you said :

"Whilst she is obsessed with him, she will never be able to move on or meet anyone else"

So she is protecting herself from real life by rolling herself up in a fantasy.

I have friends that do the exact same thing, to different degrees.

Whatever most upsets her, this trainer isn't it imho. Her big dramas will be a way of getting the sympathy and comfort she wants without having to talk about something truly painful - maybe feeling like her times run out, that she isn't as smart/successful as she expected to be...

You only have one solution - you tell your friend that you aren't getting involved with one of her delusional 'relationships' again and that you love her and will talk about anything, but not this.

And saying that opinions that you don't agree aren't 'reasonable or logical' is bloody rude.

It isn't #reasonable or logical' to be working yourself up into hysterics several times a day over the fact that a man who has no interest in you sexually an has never claimed to have any interest in you sexuall, is getting on with his own life and own relationship.
OP as Earwicga says, the only thing you can do for your friend is tell her you are not prepared to discuss this man's life with her. And if she carries on phoning you up and howling several times a day you may have to cut contact.
Remember it's not your fault she feels like this and you can;t fix her.

Monadami - I think you are getting some really unreasonable posts on here and people making assumptions about your involvement with your friend. As for earwig telling you that your are "bloody rude" kettles and pots come to mind. I do hope you come back Monadami as you are obviously seeking help for yourself as well as your friend. Your OP sounded 100% authentic to me and in no sense were you "hung up" on the friend's life - quite the contrary really. I really am surprised at these MNs as usually there is a lot of empathy on the MH thread.

I wonder if your friend has some kind of personality disorder as her life seems to have been troubled for so long. Unfortunately there is very little treatment for this kind of mental illness, although good therapy can help. Also her obsessions certainly suggest some kindof mental illhealth to me (though I am not a medic) - maybe obsessive compulsive disorder (again needs good therapy) The problem is that your friend has to realise that her behaviour is destructive on herself and be motivated to seek counselling.

Do you know anything about her childhood, as quite often childhood trauma ends up with people being self destructive without realising it. I don't think there is much point in worrying about the obsession with the personal trainer, because from what you say, she will move on to someone else to obsess about.

I think you need to look after yourself and maybe not take all the phone calls. How strong are your emotionally - could you say something like "look xxxx this conversation is going round in cirles and it isn't doing either of us any good, but I do care about you, but have to leave it there for the moment" and gently say goodbye and gently replace the receiver.

Do come back on the thread Monadami and you may get more reasonable and empathetic MNs and I will be happy to "talk" with this distressing situation.

Take care x

You sound like a good person who is worried about your friend.

I think it would be a good idea for your friend to seek counselling, not least because she may find it easier to believe the truth when it comes from a professional.

As the wise SGB has said, you can't fix your friend and she clearly has problems. Pointing her in the direction of a counsellor who can help her work through her problems is probably the best thing you can do for her.